Being in a Relationship

Is My Boyfriend Cheating or Am I Paranoid?

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

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When Ava came to me tormented by suspicions about her boyfriend cheating, I was cautiously objective. “Ava, has he actually done something shady, or are you overthinking?” I asked. She hesitated. “I don’t know, I need you to help me see this clearly.” 

After three hours of analyzing texts, tracking timelines, and mapping out inconsistencies, my verdict was clear.

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Key Signs to Tell the Difference

Not all shifts in your boyfriend’s actions mean he’s being unfaithful, but some patterns can warrant closer attention. 🕵️‍♀️

I liked Ava’s boyfriend, Adam. He never struck me as a “cheating type” (if there’s such a thing), so I wanted to stay objective, but it broke my heart to see my dear friend torn apart by anxiety.

So, we started there: sorting through the signs, looking at his behavior piece by piece, searching for clarity in the noise of her doubts. 

The first thing she noticed could easily raise an eyebrow.

Did you know? Around 20% of men and 13% of women in monogamous relationships in the U.S. reported having cheated at some point. While these numbers aren’t sky-high, they do highlight that infidelity is relatively common.[1]

Changes in Online Behavior

Digital boundaries in a relationship can be healthy limits — or convenient walls to hide behind.

Ava noticed it when she went to change the music during their drive — her fingers tracing the usual pattern on Adam’s lock screen out of habit. Only this time, it didn’t work. “Oh,” she said. “Did you change your password?” “Yeah,” Adam replied. “It’s good to update them now and then — sorry, I forgot to tell you.”

She began noticing other changes too: notifications were silenced and he seemed to angle the screen away when texting. Was he stepping out to take calls more often or were these all just coincidences?

I advised Ava to inform Adam about her past experiences and how her trust issues were playing out. She could explain how his changing passwords and acting secretive were making her feel insecure. Plus, this approach allowed her to express her concerns without putting Adam on the defensive.

While changes in online behavior and digital privacy can sometimes suggest secrecy, they may also reflect a need for healthier boundaries, work confidentiality, or even social media fatigue. Instead of jumping to conclusions or resorting to surveillance, focus on rebuilding trust through open communication.

Well, if open communication even exists between you, that is.

Changes in Communication

The next time we met, Ava told me she had noticed a weird shift in her boyfriend’s calling habits.

“He used to call me every evening after work, and now he hardly responds to texts,” Ava said. She’d also realized that when they spent time together, he seemed more distracted, barely asking her how her day went. Instead, he’d scroll on his phone or zone out. 

At first, she brushed it off, but after a few weeks her anxiety was through the roof.

I encouraged Ava to think about how communication patterns evolve over time and whether there were external factors she might not have considered. 

Yes, he could be reserving his emotional energy for someone else. But he also might be simply distracted — by stress, workload, or personal struggles. Another possibility is that he’s grown comfortable in the relationship, settling into his natural, more sustainable patterns of behavior (people often put their best foot forward when everything is new).

No, changes in communication alone don’t point to infidelity, but what about other changes?

Changes in Daily Routine

People are creatures of habit. So when those habits change suddenly, they can be a sign of shifts elsewhere.

When Ava began to notice subtle but unsettling changes in her boyfriend’s daily routine, it did nothing to soothe her worries. 

The predictable structure they once shared — dinners together and lazy Sunday mornings — started to unravel. Late nights at work became more frequent, weekend plans grew vague, and his “quick errands” began stretching into hours. Feeling uneasy, Ava found herself checking his location more than once, only to be consumed by guilt for doubting him.

I suggested that instead of assuming the worst, she approach the situation with curiosity, not confrontation — asking herself what changed. What are the circumstances around this shift? Looking for patterns could help her see the situation more clearly.

Changes in routine can sometimes hint at infidelity, but they can also reflect life’s ordinary transitions, like career moves or new priorities. Could it be a reorganization at work making him anxious about job security and pushing him to work harder? Or perhaps a lifestyle change or a new interest is pulling his focus?

I wasn’t all that convinced. Then she mentioned another change: his style.

Leveling Up His Appearance and Grooming

Unless your man is Tommy Hilfiger’s son, should he be switching up his style like a man on the run? 

That’s what happened with Adam. The rugged charm Ava fell for had been swapped for tailored outfits and a new cologne she didn’t recognize.

His sudden interest in appearance caught Ava off guard — new clothes, different hairstyle, fresh energy around his looks. “I should be happy he’s taking care of himself,” she confessed. “So why does it make me nervous?”

I encouraged Ava to acknowledge the change and let Adam know it felt unexpected and ask him what inspired the new look. This would give him space to explain without feeling accused.

While grooming upgrades can accompany infidelity, they can also accompany self-improvement, career advancement, or renewed confidence. Your partner might even be shining his shoes to impress you. Imagine that. Rather than viewing his new man-bun as a threat, consider it inspiration to play around with your own self-expression.

For Ava, though, when it came to Adam and his new alter ego, another shift in his behavior left her feeling even more unsettled.

Changes in How He Treats You

Attention from your partner is a good thing — except when it’s not. When Adam brought Ava flowers one day, she didn’t know whether to be happy or cry. 

“One moment, he’s showering me with affection, and the next, it’s like I don’t even exist,” Ava complained. She was exhausted by his inconsistency and felt out of control in her relationship

I suggested that she start keeping track of his behavior to spot any patterns. When is he being extra nice? Do these moments coincide with long working hours or unexpected absences? Are his distant spells happening alongside stressful work events or do they seem random? 

While out-of-the-blue expressions of affection can be a sign of overcompensation and are often linked to infidelity, they may also simply be humans being humans. Again, it may be his way of reacting to stress, mental health challenges, or even an effort to reconnect in a way that feels awkward or inconsistent. 

But the inconsistencies didn’t stop there — Ava found herself banging her head against the wall of his emotional unavailability.

Increased Emotional Distance

What used to be their favorite habit became the clearest sign of their unraveling.

Cuddling on the couch, laughing at inside jokes, and feeling completely in sync were things of the past. She couldn’t pinpoint when it started, but by the time she did, it felt like they were oceans apart. “It’s like there’s an invisible wall,” Ava explained. “He’s physically here but emotionally checked out.”

I recommended asking Adam to carve out intentional time to reconnect and watch his reaction. If his response was positive, great. But if it was deflecting, irritated, or dismissive . . .

Emotional withdrawal can suggest cheating, but it can also suggest anxiety, depression, burnout, or unprocessed relationship tensions. Rather than assuming the worst, create space for vulnerable conversations about feelings

After Ava told me about this next suspicious behavior, I was close to solving the puzzle.

Details Don’t Add Up

When your relationship makes you feel like you’re trapped in the cast of a whodunit, your imagination can work overtime. After the fifth time Ava caught Adam in details that didn’t match up, she was certain he was deceiving her.

The receipts from an unknown café. Work meetings that couldn’t be verified. Ava found herself becoming an unwilling detective, noting contradictions in his casual explanations. “He said he was with Mark, but Mark’s Instagram showed him out of town,” she recalled.

A lying partner is a serious issue, whether it points to cheating or not, and it needs to be addressed directly. 

I advised Ava to calmly bring up the inconsistencies she’d noticed and avoid accusations. Instead, she should say something like, “I’ve noticed some things that don’t seem to add up and it’s making me uneasy. Can we talk about what’s going on?”

While inconsistencies can sometimes indicate deception, they might also stem from poor communication, forgetfulness, or even anxiety about sharing certain aspects of life. Before jumping to conclusions, it’s worth reflecting on whether past betrayals are contributing to your hypervigilance. 

Honesty is essential in any relationship, and your need for transparency is valid, but constant fact-checking can harm trust and damage your own peace of mind. Balance is key.

Did you know? When we feel out of control, our brains often scramble to make sense of the chaos by spotting patterns that might not actually be there — kind of like seeing faces in clouds. It’s our mind’s way of restoring order, but it can lead us to connect random events and jump to the wrong conclusions, even sparking suspicions of infidelity that have no real basis.[2]

The final piece of evidence Ava shared was what ultimately sealed my verdict.

Defensiveness and Projection

While already blaming herself for her trust issues and overthinking, Adam’s accusation was the last thing she expected.

“You’re probably the one hiding something!” he said. The simple question about a late-night text had somehow boomeranged into her defending her own loyalty. The more she pressed, the more he turned the tables.

Remembering my advice about communication, Ava took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts before responding, avoiding an impulsive reaction. Once she felt composed, she calmly asked, “Where are your suspicions coming from?”

While defensiveness and projection often accompany guilt, defensive reactions can also stem from felt criticism, past relationship trauma, or communication patterns learned in childhood. 

Your right to ask questions isn’t invalidated by deflection. Trust yourself, not his reactions, and consider fostering honest dialogue — possibly with the help of a couples therapist.

Self-care corner: In moments of emotional reactivity, gentle body-focused exercises can calm the nervous system and alleviate anxiety.

  • 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method. In moments of acute stress, identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste to bring your awareness to the present moment. 
  • Body scan. Close your eyes and mentally scan each part of your body. When you find tension (like tight shoulders), breathe into that area to help it relax.
  • Box breathing. Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, and pause again for four. This pattern helps regulate your stress response.


How to Approach Your Concerns Without Confrontation

Late one night, after hours of anxious scrolling, Ava realized she’d lost three months to surveillance and speculation. Her friends offered contradicting advice — some pushed for confrontation, others suggested hiring a private investigator. 

That wouldn’t be my style. I suggested a more balanced approach that wouldn’t damage the relationship if her fears proved unfounded.

First, I urged her to focus inward — journaling, noting specific incidents that triggered her concerns. This can help separate legitimate red flags from anxiety-driven assumptions. Then, I helped her practice the conversation, replacing accusatory “you” statements with “I feel” expressions to help her communicate her thoughts more constructively.

She chose a calm Sunday morning to open the discussion: “I’ve noticed some changes lately, and I’m feeling disconnected. Can we talk about what’s happening with us?” The goal wasn’t to extract a confession but to understand the full picture.


Your Next Steps

Ava eventually found her answer — guilty — not through surveillance or confrontation, but through strengthened self-trust and clear communication. Relationship uncertainty often reveals deeper truths about our own needs and personal boundaries.

Consider this approach:

  • Observe patterns, not isolated incidents.
  • Choose your timing — calm and private moments work best.
  • Frame it as curiosity, not an accusation.
  • Prepare for any reaction, including defensiveness.
  • Lean on trusted support but avoid oversharing.

No matter the outcome, this experience is an opportunity for growth. Your response to uncertainty matters more than the uncertainty itself. Trust yourself to handle the truth, whatever it may be.

Our guides to being in a relationship can help you continue the work you started here today. 

If you determine trust can’t be rebuilt, check out our resources on ending a relationship.

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FAQs

What is the first stage of cheating?

The first stage of cheating is often emotional distancing or secrecy. This can include hiding messages, forming close bonds with someone outside the relationship, or seeking validation elsewhere. Emotional disconnection from the partner typically precedes physical cheating in many cases.

How can I get him to admit he cheated?

To get him to admit he cheated, approach the conversation calmly and directly. Use evidence, if you have it, and avoid accusations or emotional outbursts. Create a space where honesty feels possible, emphasizing that you value the truth more than anything else.

How does a man act when he’s guilty?

A guilty man may act defensively, avoid eye contact, or become overly irritable. He might also overcompensate with unusual affection or withdraw emotionally and physically. However, these behaviors aren’t definitive and vary based on personality and situation.

How does an innocent person react when accused of cheating?

An innocent person may react with shock, confusion, and a strong desire to prove their innocence. They’re likely to remain consistent in their explanations and ask questions to understand why they’re being accused. Their focus is often on clearing misunderstandings rather than becoming defensive.


References

1. Wang, W. (2018, January 10). Who cheats more? The demographics of infidelity in America. Institute for Family Studies.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-infidelity-in-america

2. Whitson, J. A., & Galinsky, A. D. (2008). Lacking control increases illusory pattern perception. Science, 322(5898), 115–117.
https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1159845


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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