Have you ever been to the beach and seen a red flag? Did you notice no one was in the water?
A red flag at the beach means the water is too dangerous for swimming. A double red flag closes the water to the public: DO NOT ENTER.
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In a relationship, red flags work the same way.
What You Need to Know About Red Flags
What if the little annoying things you’re brushing off now are actually huge warning signs?
Unlike at the beach, where warning flags are clear as day, front and center, red flags in relationships are more insidious. One day you’re wading in peccadilloes and the next thing you know you’re being carried out to sea on a rip current of toxicity.
So, what is a red flag?
Dr. Ali Fenwick, a renowned psychologist and expert in human behavior, defines red flags as “behaviors or signs that indicate potential problems or unhealthy dynamics in various types of relationships, including family, friendships, work, dating, and romantic relationships.”[1]
The opposite of a red flag is, obviously, a green flag. It helps to know how to recognize green flags, as well, so you know what your life could be like on the other side of these warning signs.
Think of red flags as an early warning system — not to panic, but to pause and ask, “Is this relationship healthy for me?” Ignoring them only sets you up for heartbreak, regret, or worse.
1. Love bombing
Sometimes, Cupid sends love your way with poison hidden in the arrow.
It starts like a rom-com fantasy — grand gestures, constant texts, expensive gifts, and over-the-top declarations of love.
But then the magic fades. The nonstop attention dwindles, and suddenly, you’re chasing them. Or they start nitpicking, turning your small mistakes into big issues. You’re left walking on eggshells, desperate to bring back that initial spark, hungry for it.
Just when you think all is lost and you should move on, they turn on the charm again and you’re ashamed you ever wobbled.
The whole point of love bombing is to keep you off-balance and under their control.
Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with excessive affection and praise early in a relationship to make you feel special and dependent on their attention. They often pressure you to move faster in a relationship than you’d prefer. This manipulative tactic is used to gain control and power over you, making it harder for you to leave them later on.
Not all love bombers even know they’re doing it. Here’s how to avoid becoming a love bombing victim:
- Establish clear relationship boundaries.
- Remember that relationships don’t develop on a deadline.
- Know the signs of love bombing.
Expert insight: Scientists have looked into love bombing and found that it’s basically the same trick that cult leaders use. They shower you with intense attention and affection, triggering your dopamine receptors, in a calculated move to get you hooked on them.[2]
While love bombing might feel overwhelming, it’s often only the beginning. Once they’ve hooked you with excessive affection, that flood of compliments might soon turn into an endless stream of criticism.
2. Excessive criticism
There’s no dumber expression in the English language than “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Some words cut deeper than any knife ever could.
A college friend of mine dated someone who critiqued everything from his workout routine to how he cut his vegetables. Eventually, his self-confidence whittled down to practically nothing — a classic example of death by a thousand cuts, relationship edition.
These seemingly “helpful” suggestions morph into a systematic demolition of your self-worth, attacking your clothes, your work, your friends, your dreams. Each comment chips away at your confidence, making you feel smaller and smaller.
This is emotional abuse.
You need to nip it in the bud before your self-worth is completely depleted. That’s how they get you.
- Tell your partner, “You can’t speak to me like that if you want to be in a relationship with me.” They will double-down on the criticism. Stand your ground.
- If the behavior continues, this person is not good for you. Read our guide to ending an emotionally abusive relationship to learn your next move.
Expert insight: According to the American Journal of Public Health, “Verbal abuse can have severe and lasting effects on the victim’s mental and physical health, including loss of confidence, anxiety, migraines, stammering, high blood pressure, and stress.”[3]
When you challenge a chronic critic, watch how quickly they deflect. “I’m just trying to help,” they’ll say, or “You’re too sensitive.” Turns out criticism and lack of accountability are two sides of the same toxic coin.
3. Refusing to take responsibility
“My boss is out to get me.” Or “You should’ve reminded me.” Sound familiar?
At first, you might sympathize. But when every slipup, misstep, or downright bad behavior gets blamed on you, their ex, their childhood, or even Mercury in retrograde, it’s a red flag waving wildly in the breeze.
Nothing is ever their fault — not their anger, not their mistakes, not their broken promises. They manipulate the facts to make themselves the misunderstood protagonist and you, somehow, the villain.
Healthy relationships thrive on accountability. When someone messes up, they should admit it, apologize, and make amends. If they can’t do that, calmly call it out:
- Explain how their actions affect you using “I” statements.
- Approach it as a compromise or agreement rather than a demand.
- Pick your battles. Check in with yourself to make sure your expectations are reasonable.
Did you know? Partners who own their actions are more likely to resolve conflicts effectively and maintain emotional intimacy.[4]
Dig a little deeper and you’ll soon discover that this inability to admit fault is a clear sign of immaturity, another red flag that can predict trouble down the line.
4. Emotional immaturity
If his idea of financial planning is to buy Bitcoin because Elon tweeted about it, we need to talk.
He seems perfect on paper — good job, nice car, maybe even his own place. But something feels . . . off. You find yourself constantly explaining basic adult concepts to your partner, going so far as to make doctor appointments for him.
Even if you don’t mind taking care of your partner like you would a child, his emotional immaturity could be slowly draining your energy without you even noticing.
Psychologists actually have a name for this: Peter Pan syndrome. Read our article on Peter Pan Syndrome for signs and tips on how to deal with an immature partner.
But emotional immaturity isn’t only about avoiding adult responsibilities — it often comes with a darker side. When someone hasn’t developed emotional maturity, they often struggle with intense feelings they can’t control. This can quickly lead to codependent behavior.
Did you know: People with poor emotional maturity often struggle with social impotence. They feel very alone and struggle to form real friendships. They often display narcissistic traits to cover feelings of worthlessness.[5]
Red flags don’t exist in a vacuum. Problems like emotional maturity often multiply into other relationship warning signs that aren’t as easy to overlook.
5. Jealousy and possessiveness
A little jealousy can be cute, but when cute turns controlling, it’s a whole different story.
If your real-life Joe Goldberg demands to see your phone, shows up at your workplace unannounced, monitors your social media activity, or accuses you of deception, this is controlling behavior, and it’s not cute or romantic in the least.
This kind of jealousy in relationships can leave you feeling trapped, anxious, and constantly on edge. Healthy relationships thrive on trust, not surveillance.
Here are a few tips on how to deal with an overly jealous partner:
- Have a candid conversation about your relationship rights and responsibilities.
- Learn ways to help him rise above his relationship anxiety. But remember that while you can lead a horse to water, you can’t make him be a decent dude if he’s not.
- If you fear your jealous partner might turn violent, learn the warning signs of abuse before you’re in over your head.
Expert insight: In his book, The Dangerous Passion, evolutionary psychologist David Buss writes that a little jealousy can be nature’s way of protecting our relationships — like a relationship immune system. Emphasis on the “little.”[6]
Jealous partners often operate under extreme double standards, expecting transparency and obedience from you but offering none of the same in return. Nothing but brutal honesty from you, but from them, consistent deception.
6. Lying and dishonesty
Something is either truthful or it’s not, which makes lying a simple red flag. You’re either cool with lies, and you wait for the lies to get worse, or you’re not cool with lies.
“Just out with the boys.” “It was only $100.” “Yes, I paid the electric bill.” “I can’t go, I have to work late.”
Your partner’s occasional dishonesty might seem like manageable white lies, but the problem isn’t the lie itself, it’s his careless attitude about truth.
Because where does he draw the line?
When dishonesty becomes the norm, you start wondering if anything he says is real, and before you know it, you’re playing detective instead of being a partner. This constant doubt erodes the trust a healthy relationship needs to thrive.
Here’s how to handle a chronic liar:
- Call out the lies. Address the dishonesty directly but without aggression. For example, say, “I noticed inconsistencies in what you said, and it’s making me question our trust.”
- Avoid playing detective. Resist the urge to dig through his phone or social media; it only feeds your anxiety and shifts focus from his dishonesty to your reaction.
- Watch for accountability. Pay attention to how he responds when confronted. Genuine change involves owning up to lies, apologizing sincerely, and showing a commitment to being truthful moving forward.
- Don’t bother. Liars gonna lie. Cut your losses and break up with him.
Expert insight: In his book Detecting Lies and Deceit, psychologist Aldert Vrij mentions that chronic dishonesty often correlates with other toxic behaviors, like manipulation and gaslighting, making it a key predictor of unhealthy relationship dynamics.[7]
Sometimes lying isn’t just about hiding the truth but rather making you question your entire reality. That’s when you’ve stepped into gaslighting territory. Gaslighting is a tricky scheme, so you’ve got to understand it before you can avoid it.
7. Gaslighting
Nothing lit up the zeitgeist in the last few years quite like gaslighting. But does anyone actually know what it means?
The term gaslighting originates from a 1944 film aptly named Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane. In the film, he secretly dims the gas-powered lights in their home and then denies any change when she points it out, causing her to question her own perception of reality.
This cinematic portrayal became a metaphor for a form of psychological manipulation where one person systematically tries to make another doubt their own experiences, memories, and sanity to serve their own purposes.
As sneaky as it is, gaslighting is no joke. It’s actually a form of emotional abuse.
Read this article to know how to deal with a partner who gaslights you: 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship.
Expert insight: Paige Sweet, a sociologist at the University of Michigan, writes that the effects of gaslighting include “damage to victims’ sense of reality, autonomy, mobility, identity, and social supports. It can also amplify the dangers already present in victims’ lives, making it harder for them to escape abusive situations.”[8]
You rarely get one red flag at a time. They’re a package deal, like a grab bag of toxicity, and every one you pull out is worse than the last.
8. Substance abuse
Dating a guy who’s the life of the party is great until the party’s over.
You thought his wildness was charming at first, but now you’re wondering when he’ll calm down. Well, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting longer than the Swifties have waited for Reputation (Taylor’s Version).
Stick around and soon you’ll wonder if you’re dating a person or a ticking time bomb.
Look, I’m no fun sponge — I recognize the difference between letting off steam occasionally and having a problem. And so should you.
Drinking or drug use can affect a person’s mental and physical health, finances, and how they treat loved ones.
Read my detailed article on how addiction affects relationships for information on how to handle a partner dealing with substance abuse and resources that can provide the help you need.
Expert insight: Roughly 60% of substance-abusing men with intimate partners report at least one instance of IPV during the year prior to entry into treatment programs.[9]
When the drinks are flowing and inhibitions drop, to be replaced by anger and volatility, that’s when things can get really scary, really fast.
9. Threats and coercion
Some red flags are far more obvious than others. Threatening language, for example, is pretty hard to misinterpret — but not impossible.
“If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself,” they’ll say. Or “No one else would put up with you like I do.” These comments are carefully crafted weapons of manipulation.
Some threats are less subtle.
They’ll use your deepest fears and vulnerabilities as leverage. One moment they’re promising the world, the next they’re painting a picture of total destruction if you don’t comply with their demands. Before you know it, you’re a hostage in your own relationship, living in fear of what might happen next.
Threats and coercion are two peas in a pod. Both take many forms, including emotional blackmail, threatening you into sexual acts, and physical intimidation.
Here’s how to protect yourself from threats and coercion:
- Document incidents. Keep a journal of threatening messages, emails, or behavior to use as evidence if needed.
- Confide in trusted people. Share what’s happening with a friend, family member, or counselor who can provide support and guidance. Contact a domestic violence hotline or advocacy organization for advice and assistance.
- Prioritize your safety. Develop a plan for what to do if the situation escalates, and if you’re in imminent danger of violence, leave immediately or call 911.
Expert insight: Controlling behavior in relationships goes way beyond physical abuse. It includes threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, and controlling someone’s money. And the effects are seriously dangerous — it can lead to severe depression, anxiety, and in the worst cases, suicide.[10]
10. Controlling behavior
Does your partner act like Christian Grey but without the billionaire part or the “fun stuff”?
Control starts small, with comments that seem harmless: suggesting a different outfit, questioning your friendship choices, or criticizing your decisions. “That top doesn’t really send the right message,” they’ll say. Or “I’m not sure about your friend Sarah.”
This might look like the opinions of someone who cares, but in fact it’s a carefully designed strategy to isolate you and make you dependent on their approval.
Before you know it, you’re changing friendships, altering your style, second-guessing every decision, and living in a real-life episode of The Handmaid’s Tale.
Here’s how to take back control:
- Recognize the signs. Learn to identify the early signs of controlling behavior in a relationship.
- Start journaling. Writing it all down in a journal can help you keep track of controlling incidents to gain clarity — and even document abuse if you need to.
- Seek professional help. Consider therapy or counseling to navigate the situation, build your confidence, and learn coping skills.
- Be ready to walk away. Controlling people don’t really change. For tips on how to prioritize your well-being and get out now, read How to Leave a Toxic Relationship: 6 No-Nonsense Steps (+ Quiz).
Expert insight: Research shows we’re great at spotting controlling behavior in our friends’ relationships but often miss it completely in our own. Anyone can spot a cult from the outside, but rarely when they’re in one. Funny how that works. [11]
What happens when that need for control meets rage? Well, let’s just say things don’t exactly mellow out.
11. Anger and explosive reactions
If your partner’s emotional thermostat is permanently set to “nuclear meltdown” and a wrong coffee order can trigger a volcanic eruption of rage that leaves you fearing for your safety, that’s a red flag.
You never know what might trigger them. Simple conversations become minefields, and you find yourself constantly watching your words, your tone, your movements — anything to avoid setting them off.
Anger like this doesn’t just vanish; it tends to escalate into verbal abuse, manipulation, or even physical harm.
Breaking free means letting your partner know that their explosive reactions are not acceptable and that you won’t tolerate them. You could try the following:
- Be direct and firm. Calmly say, “I won’t tolerate yelling or anger like this. We need to communicate respectfully if we’re going to move forward.”
- Set consequences. Let them know what will happen if it continues, like leaving the conversation or the space. For example, “If you have another explosive outburst, I will leave immediately and stay with family/friends until we can discuss this with a counselor.”
- Hold your ground. Don’t back down just to avoid conflict — it only reinforces the behavior.
Encourage them to seek help, such as anger-management classes or therapy, to address their emotional regulation issues.
If they refuse to change or seek help, prioritize your own safety and well-being. Read Dating Violence: Understanding Signs and Seeking Help to familiarize yourself with the different forms relationship abuse can take, find resources, and explore your options.
But let’s be real here — you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to change. If they don’t take the steps to address their issues, it’s time for you to face some life-changing decisions.
Your Next Steps
Real love feels safe, respectful, and drama-free. It doesn’t require you to become a detective, therapist, or emotional punching bag.
If you’ve read through these signs and don’t really see your partner in them, well done you! Check out our articles about being in a relationship for tips to make this your best one yet.
But since you googled “red flags” in the first place, I sense that may not be the case. I wouldn’t advise you to stay in a relationship riddled with red flags, but your choices are your own. You’ll need to develop coping strategies, and for that I highly recommend professional therapy. If you are willing to stand up for yourself, awesome.
The process for breaking up with a toxic person isn’t as easy as breaking up with a healthy person, so read through our guide to ending a toxic relationship.
Don’t stop there, though. Read more about ending a relationship so you can move on with dignity and grace.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are silent red flags in a relationship?
Silent red flags in a relationship include things like always needing to be right, never apologizing, or lacking emotional maturity. They might not seem like a big deal at first, but they can add up to bigger problems over time.
What’s the hardest red flag to overlook in a relationship?
The hardest red flag to overlook is threats of physical abuse. This behavior isn’t just a red flag; it’s a huge danger sign that means you need to get help or get out right away. Even if they say sorry after or promise to change, physical violence starts with a threat and almost always gets worse over time, not better.
What’s the biggest green flag in a guy?
The biggest green flag is emotional maturity. A guy who communicates openly, takes responsibility for his actions, and respects your boundaries shows he’s ready for a healthy relationship.
At what point is a relationship toxic?
A relationship becomes toxic when it consistently makes you feel bad, scared, or drained instead of happy and safe. Signs of a toxic relationship include constant criticism, control, or any form of abuse. If you’re dealing with this, focusing on leaving a toxic relationship is important for your well-being.
References
1. Fenwick, A. (2024). Red flags, green flags: Modern psychology for everyday drama. Penguin Books.
2. Dunstan, J. (2023). Manipulation and influence: a trickery account of manipulation applied to three scopes (Doctoral dissertation, University of Sheffield). White Rose eTheses Online.
https://etheses.whiterose.ac.uk/33436/
3. Smith, P. H., White, J. W., & Holland, L. J. (2003). A longitudinal perspective on dating violence among adolescent and college-age women. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1104–1109.
https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1104
4. Braithwaite, S. R., Selby, E. A., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). Forgiveness and relationship satisfaction: Mediating mechanisms. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 551.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024526
5. Kalkan, M., Batık, M. V., Kaya, L., & Turan, M. (2021). Peter Pan syndrome “men who don’t grow”: Developing a scale. Men and Masculinities, 24(2), 245–257.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X19874854
6. Buss, D. M. (2000). The dangerous passion: Why jealousy is as necessary as love and sex. Simon and Schuster.
7. Vrij, A. (2008). Detecting lies and deceit: Pitfalls and opportunities. John Wiley & Sons.
8. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
9. Klostermann, K. C. (2006). Substance abuse and intimate partner violence: Treatment considerations. Substance Abuse Treatment, Prevention, and Policy, 1, 1–8.
https://doi.org/10.1186/1747-597X-1-24
10. Dutton, M. A., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization. Sex Roles, 52, 743–756.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-4196-6
11. Sánchez-Hernández, M. D., Herrera-Enríquez, M. C., & Expósito, F. (2020). Controlling behaviors in couple relationships in the digital age: Acceptability of gender violence, sexism, and myths about romantic love. Psychosocial Intervention, 29(2), 67–81.
https://doi.org/10.5093/pi2020a1
