Every relationship is different and there’s really no program to follow, no enforced deadline. I’m not even sure there is an ideal number of dates you should have before a relationship is declared. Perhaps I can prove myself wrong.
How Many Dates Before a Relationship Is Official?
The truth is that there is no set-in-stone rule to follow regarding how many dates before making it official. I was right! This should give you some breathing room. All these unwritten rules and expectations make dating waaay harder than it needs to be.
Table of Contents
It’s better to think of dating advice about timelines as simple guidelines. And then ignore them. You’ll read a lot of advice that says you should wait about 10–12 dates before establishing a relationship status. I say that’s bollocks.
The beginning stages of dating and relationships are all about vibes and gut feelings. If you overthink it, you risk sabotaging it. If you follow some blogger’s arbitrary timeline, you might end up jumping into a relationship too early — or too late.
So what do you do instead?
5 Things to Consider Before Making a Relationship Official
Before jumping into la la land, it’s important to consider a few things first. Instead of following a timeline in which a flip switches and suddenly you’re in it to win it, look for the green flags.
Watching out for red flags and green flags is critical. You have to cover your bases or else you run the risk of landing a control freak, gaslighter, or drama king.
1. Shared values
This is one of the most important aspects of any romantic relationship, yet it is grossly ignored when people get together. But the truth is incompatibility of your value systems can sink a relationship fast — in the best-case scenario.
The worst-case scenario is you don’t find out your values don’t match until you’re at the dinner table one night and your husband of eight years calls your five-year-old son a sissy because he plays with dolls. Better not risk it.
If you’re not looking for a short-term, I’m-here-for-a-good-time-not-a-long-time relationship, make sure you and your partner share the same outlook on relationships, commitment, money, in-laws, politics, child-rearing, and even religion.
If you’re not on the same page and don’t share similar values on these essential aspects, it’s going to create friction in your relationship down the line.
2. Emotional maturity
An intimate relationship is like a partnership — the two of you become a team. This joint-force scenario means the last thing you want is an immature man-child.
Passive-aggressiveness, self-centeredness, emotional unavailability, and always playing the victim card are just a few of the hallmark traits of the I-don’t-want-to-grow-up Peter Pan archetype.
You want (and deserve) a deliberate decision-maker who values communication, accepts responsibility, sets healthy boundaries, and lives with honor and integrity.
Emotionally mature people make better partners and also tend to have better life satisfaction. A 2018 study published in the International Journal of Physiology, Nutrition and Physical Education found that emotionally mature people know how to self-regulate and, as a result, have more emotional stability.[1]
Author of the study Solanki explains “a significant positive relationship between emotional maturity and life satisfaction. The higher the emotional maturity, the higher the life satisfaction, and vice versa. This suggests that emotional abilities are strong predictors of a healthy life and greater psychological well-being.”
And one can assume, healthier relationships.
3. Relationship expectations
When to establish a relationship is more about the bases you cover than what inning it is. One of the most important bases is relationship expectations.
As hard-boiled as this may sound, romantic relationships are transactional. That doesn’t mean love and romance aren’t part of the equation — they absolutely are! However, the reality is that clear expectations must be discussed and exchanged if you want to give your relationship a fighting chance.
Topics like respect, affection, quality time, money management, and, of course, commitment should feature in your conversations. Failing to discuss these expectations can create instability later.
In fact, research shows that establishing a set of clear expectations early on can reduce resentment, boost forgiveness, and streamline your relationship as a whole.[2]
Researchers at the University of Maryland Lemay and Venaglia write that “positive relationship expectations are associated with better interpersonal functioning, as indicated by greater relationship persistence, more forgiveness, and reduced contempt.”
As you can see, how many dates you go on before making yourselves official is exactly how many dates it takes you to see his quality.
4. Conflict resolution
Before you commit to someone, you’ve gotta observe how they manage conflict.
No relationship will ever be perfect. Even if he is The One, you can guarantee your relationship will have its ups and downs. How you manage those ups and downs is crucial.
Here’s what good conflict resolution skills look like:
- Knowing when to compromise
- How to respectfully and lovingly agree to disagree
- Communicating clearly until the issue is resolved
- Listening to understand instead of to respond (active listening)
- Choosing battles wisely to avoid unnecessary arguments
- Acknowledging when you’re wrong
- Apologizing when you should
If this kind of maturity is embedded in your interactions with this guy, that’s a great sign you may be ready for something more serious.
5. Religious and political views
Politics and religion . . . no tension around these two topics today, right? If only things were that simple. The unfortunate truth is that the supercharged nature of these topics makes it necessary to lay your cards on the table for your partner to see — and vice versa.
A study published in the journal Religions revealed that couples with the same religious views report higher relationship satisfaction.[3] Langlais and Schwanz, who led the study, explain, “There is empirical evidence that participating in religious activities together as a dating couple is associated with increased romantic relationship quality.”
This is also true of politics.
While these differences don’t necessarily mean things can’t work out — couples with different religions are certainly capable of long and happy relationships — the research shows they can impact your relationship quality.
Signs That You’re Ready to Make the Relationship Official
You may have found yourself a keeper when you see these signs in the dating phase.
You communicate well
Studies show that relationship quality is usually tied to communication quality. Johnson et al. report in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, “Relationship science contends that the quality of couples’ communication predicts relationship satisfaction over time.”[5]
I like that word, “predict.” If you’ve just started dating in the last few months and your communication is crap, it won’t get better. The current state of your relationship predicts its later success.
Applying that same logic, if you and your new boo have open communication and can freely discuss problems, challenges, and intimate details, you’re ready for a relationship.
You’ve established trust
There is no relationship without trust. Okay. Cool. But what does that mean?
Experts Nicholson et al. write that trust is “confidence in the other party’s reliability and integrity. Trust is the foundation of cooperation, in part because it normatively prohibits behaviors that harm the other partner.”[6]
Trust means knowing this person will not hurt you.
If he has consistently shown up with integrity, kept his word, followed through on commitments, and done the right things, you may have hit the dating market gold mine. His behavior clearly communicates his values.
You’re comfortable being yourself
You should feel like you can be your silly, goofy, loud, and unadulterated self when you’re with someone long-term. This goes without saying, and yet you’d be shocked at how many people get into relationships with others they don’t feel 100% safe with.
Attraction can blind you in many ways. But once you remove those rose-colored glasses, it becomes easier to see the other person for who they really are, which makes it easier to make the right decision.
If you’re an adorkable nerd behind your sophisticated facade, you need to be okay with showing him your collection of Harry Potter wands before you can start drafting a better epilogue than Harry Potter got.
Dating vs. Relationship
The difference between dating and a relationship comes down to commitment.
Dating is more casual, lighthearted, and low commitment. You’re both getting to know each other and collecting data (so romantic, right?) to decide whether you’re good for each other or not.
In a relationship, on the other hand, the decision has been made. Things have gotten serious. Not necessarily moving in together serious or getting engaged serious. Level up one step at a time, my dear. But you’re not seeing anyone else and there’s a drawer of your things at his place.
Average Time to Say I Love You
This is a controversial one, but it matters — a lot.
Releasing the “L” word is a big deal. It shouldn’t be thrown around just because you’re on an emotional high of meeting someone new who you’re really into. When you say those three magic words, you should say it because you genuinely mean it and feel it.
What Hollywood romances like to forget is that you can only truly love someone after you’ve had the time to get to know them.
It’s important to know the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is fleeting. Infatuation burns super hot but that also means it burns up fast. When you’re lucky, what’s left behind is love. But sometimes, infatuation ends and you discover you don’t see a future with this person at all. In some cases, you even loathe them.
If you’ve been dating for a few months and have learned some of his strengths and weaknesses, faults and shortcomings, and still think he’s your knight in shining armor, you probably love the guy.
According to Psychology Today, “men take an average of 88 days to tell a partner they love them compared to a woman’s 134.”[7] Well, if that’s not a fascinating statistic!
Ideal Number of Dates Before You Kiss
There’s no rule saying you have to wait two, three, four dates, or more before kissing a guy. You can do it on the first date if you want.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your interest by allowing that first lip-locking session to happen. Of course, you’re not obligated to do it, either. If you want to wait a few dates, that’s your prerogative.
How Long Should You Date Before Marriage?
There is absolutely no rule for how long you should date before you get married.
That said, marriage is a huge step that should not be taken lightly. You’re committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life. If that doesn’t warrant diligence, I don’t know what does.
Society has shifted from a time when couples would date for a few weeks before they’d get hitched and the husband would ship off to war for three years, then they’d come back and pick up right where they left off.
The women’s liberation movement changed all that. Before the 1970s, women couldn’t even have their own checking account. Now, women are waiting much longer to get married, and people are dating longer too.
In fact, according to a poll conducted by a wedding planning firm in the UK, the average length of dating before marriage is 4.9 years. And that coincides with the UK’s lowest divorce rate over the last 50 years.[8]
So while there’s no dogma codifying the length of time you should wait before walking down the aisle, the general wisdom is just don’t rush into it.
Conclusion
There’s no exact number for how many dates before a serious relationship should develop. Trying to pinpoint a precise figure is superfluous.
Instead, focus on enjoying the moment and getting to know this new guy. Let things unfold naturally and be okay with whatever presents itself in this dating experience.
To read more about being in a relationship, click the link.
FAQs
How long should you talk to someone before dating?
A general guideline for how long you should talk to someone before dating is a couple of text messages back and forth over a day or so. There’s no reason to get each other’s whole life story before you meet up. Keep the exchanges short and sweet so you know he’s a normal person, and then set up a date in person — in public.
How long should you date before moving in?
How long you date before moving in together is really a matter of personal preference and circumstance. A safe bet, though, is to spend at least one to three years dating before moving in with someone.
References
1. Solanki, G. (2018). A correlational study of emotional maturity, emotional intelligence and life satisfaction among college girls. International Journal of Physiology Nutrition and Physical Education, 3(1), 1917–1921.
https://www.journalofsports.com/pdf/2018/vol3issue1/PartAH/3-1-405-931.pdf
2. Lemay, E. P., & Venaglia, R. B. (2016). Relationship expectations and relationship quality. Review of General Psychology, 20(1), 57–70.
https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000066
3. Langlais, M.; Schwanz, S. (2017). Religiosity and relationship quality of dating relationships: examining relationship religiosity as a mediator. Religions, 8, 187.
https://doi.org/10.3390/rel8090187
4. Fangmeier, T. L., Stanley, S. M., Knopp, K., & Rhoades, G. K. (2020). Political party identification and romantic relationship quality. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 9(3), 167–180.
https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000141
5. Johnson, M. D., Lavner, J. A., Mund, M., Zemp, M., Stanley, S. M., Neyer, F. J., Impett, E. A., Rhoades, G. K., Bodenmann, G., Weidmann, R., Bühler, J. L., Burriss, R. P., Wünsche, J., & Grob, A. (2022). Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 534–549.
https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211016920
6. Nicholson, C. Y., Compeau, L. D., & Sethi, R. (2001). The role of interpersonal liking in building trust in long-term channel relationships. Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science, 29, 3–15.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0092070301291001
7. Ben-Zeév, A. (2024). When should you say “I love you”? Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-of-love/202407/when-should-you-say-i-love-you
8. Bridebook.co.uk Marriage Report 2017. (2017). Bridebook.
https://bridebook.com/uk/article/bridebook-co-uk-marriage-report-2017
