By: Marie McCollum
Navigating romance in 2024 is a vortex of confusion. Now, you don’t just meet someone and date them. First you swipe right, then you talk for a few weeks, and then, finally, you begin dating. So, let’s define talking vs dating once and for all.
Table of Contents
Talking vs Dating: The Blurred Lines of Modern Romance
There’s a lot to unpack here. “Talking” is dating and “dating” is courtship and “courtship” gives major Bridgerton vibes.
I know it’s confusing, but it’s important to remember that words evolve as society does. “Talking” may seem like a new phenomenon, but it’s really “dating” rebranded.
Prior to the internet and social media, singles went on dates to build relationships with other singles, but norms and expectations have changed. Cultural changes of the last half century or so, especially online dating, explain this shift in how relationships develop — and the terminology that goes along with it.
In the Journal of Adult Development, authors Taylor et al. analyze the perceptions of acceptable behaviors before committed relationships. They report that “decades ago, the frequency of going on planned dates indicated that couples were in a ‘dating’ relationship. Now, ‘dating’ before moving into a more committed relationship happens less frequently.[1]
What they’re saying is that the process of going out on dates isn’t necessarily what dating is anymore. “Dating” got promoted to a label and “talking” took its place as a relationship phase.
Whereas you had to go on actual dates (hence “dating”) to get to know someone before, you can now have a whole “relationship” without leaving your home.
Social media and dating apps created a space for singles to get to know each other casually, and “talking” began as a way to categorize that nebulous phase of online flirting. You couldn’t categorize witty banter and heavy flirting over DMs as dating, so “talking” it was.
Flirting online replaced flirting IRL (in real life). “Dating” was reserved for what comes after the first few dates when you decide you want to keep doing it. And “talking” became synonymous with casual dating.
It’s unquestionably a gray area.
In truth, whether you call getting to know someone “dating” or “talking” doesn’t really matter as long as you and your partner are on the same page. Relationship stages are ever evolving and ripe for confusion, regardless of how you phrase it. You don’t need to DTR (define the relationship) on the second date, but open communication is important in ambiguous situationships.
Talking Stage vs Dating Stage: When to Label Your Relationship
Progressing from “talking” to “dating” is often intuitive, but there are some signs that you’re ready to make that transition.
Remember, moving from “talking” to “dating” requires communication. Everyone fears the DTR, but open communication can save you and your partner from a lot of heartache and frustration.
Frequency and nature of communication
It’s simple. The more you like someone, the more you want to talk to them.
When you start talking to someone, you probably know very little about them, and most of the conversations are surface level. However, as interest develops, so does communication.
It is a beautiful thing when you find yourself talking to someone for hours without realizing it. Without knowing how you got there, you may find yourself spending hours laughing and sharing deep stories with a recent stranger. This may be a sign that your “talking” is ready to move into “dating.”
Trust your instincts and pay attention to what’s being said.
If you spend hours exchanging quotes from The Office, you’re not exactly braving emotional vulnerability. However, if your conversations include childhood stories, secret fears, and dreams, as well as where you stand on important issues, you may be laying a solid foundation for a long-term relationship.
Shared activities and experiences
Talking can include those first tentative dates (even some fun ones), but dating involves shared experiences.
Dates become more regular and intimate when a serious relationship is forming. For example, you may go to dinner with someone you’re talking to but cook a meal at home for someone you’re dating.
Part of this shift is natural. When you get to know someone, you learn what they like. You also discover similar interests and activities the two of you can share.
These shared experiences and activities strengthen the bond of a relationship by encouraging emotional intimacy. By sharing something you love with another person, you let them into your life.
I don’t remember the name of the movie I went to with a guy I was “talking” to, but I do remember when I introduced my now husband to my favorite movie.
Emotional investment and vulnerability
Emotional vulnerability can be uncomfy. That’s why we often play our emotional cards close to our chest in the beginning of a relationship. But as a relationship develops beyond the talking stage, so does the need for emotional investment and vulnerability.
When you first begin talking to someone, it’s hard to be vulnerable. As you build trust, you find yourself feeling safe enough to open up and emotionally invest in that person.
Emotional investment isn’t only sharing personal stories and secrets, but also showing up for your partner.
When you move from talking to dating, you’re not just meeting up for coffee. You’re in that person’s company after a rough day at work. You’re witnessing firsthand how they move through the world, how they interact with waitstaff, how they respond to traffic, all that mundane stuff forming their essence — and they’re seeing that from you too.
Emotional investment and vulnerability strengthen and grow your bond with your partner. It’s scary to share emotions, but those moments have the potential to unlock metaphorical doors in your heart.
Future planning and goal-setting
It’s always wise to consider your future, even in the “talking” stage. But you’ll notice that talk of the future increases the more feelings grow.
Most people approach the dating process with the hope of spending a future with a person. When you’re in the “talking” stage, both people may share their hopes for the future, but as you approach dating, the conversation becomes more about how your futures align.
For example, when you’re getting to know someone, it may not matter that they want to move far away eventually. However, as the relationship deepens, the practicality of the matter becomes more important.
If you notice that you and your partner are discussing the nitty-gritty of the future and tiptoeing into goal setting territory, you may be ready to upgrade to that “dating” label.
Social recognition and integration
Ah, I remember the days of being Facebook official. It was so straightforward back then. Now, I have to apply my FBI skills to determine if an acquaintance is dating someone or not. Was that a man’s hand in her Instagram story? Is he at that trendy restaurant with friends or “someone”?
Unless you met IRL, it’s not likely that you’ll meet the family and close friends of someone you’re only talking to. And it isn’t likely that you’ll bring your situationship around your friends, who are just waiting to grill him.
Therefore, another sign that you’re moving from “talking” to “dating” is social integration. Once you’ve determined that this person isn’t a weirdo, it’s healthy to get the opinion of your family and friends. The people in your life are not blinded by attraction and can offer great insight on the person you are interested in.
Physical intimacy and affection
Physical intimacy can happen at any stage of a romantic relationship, but physical connection develops over time.
Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy. If you and your partner are comfortable having sex or showing affection while in the talking stage, then go for it! But remember, physical comfort and emotional intimacy don’t happen immediately. If you’re looking for that, you’ll need to put in the work.
Physical intimacy often goes hand in hand with emotional vulnerability, but not always. You may feel emotionally connected to your partner and see dating on the horizon, but your partner may not see it the same way. It’s important to discuss expectations and boundaries when physical intimacy is involved.
Additionally, boundaries and respect are key. Respect your partner’s boundaries and also demand respect for yours. Boundaries are not always physical. You can (and should) clarify emotional boundaries too. Maybe you’re OK with casual sex, but casual cuddling is too emotionally risky for you. Know yourself and do what is best for you.
Potential for exclusivity and commitment
The biggest difference between talking and dating is intention, and with intention, exclusivity and commitment often follow.
It’s not uncommon to be “talking” to multiple people at once. But when you progress from talking to dating, you’ll narrow your focus onto one person and eliminate anyone else you’ve been talking to.
A good sign that you and your partner may be ready to slap that “dating” label on your relationship is if you’re both putting in effort to get to that stage.
If you think you’re ready for a more official dating relationship, talk to your partner. It is key that both of you are on the same page about what a relationship looks like.
Remember, commitment is not just about being loyal. It’s also a promise to commit time and effort into a relationship. You can prevent heartache in the future if you discuss your relationship expectations at the beginning.
What Does Talking Look Like?
If the dating pool is a bookstore, “talking” is walking around and reading the backs of the books. Dating is buying and reading the book (some folks get added to your DNF list). A serious relationship is when the book has a permanent spot on your bookshelf.
Talking is casual, but it is not without an end goal. Whereas a hookup is primarily for temporary purposes, research from Hardesty et al. found that most adults find “talking” as an actual stage of a relationship.[2] Sure, it’s exploratory and casual, but the hope is that this stage leads to something.
To navigate these early stages, first of all, embrace the casual. If you aren’t in a committed relationship, your quasi-partner may be talking to other people. You can too. Don’t waste your time collecting situationships like Pokémon, but if you find someone else intriguing . . . explore it.
Second, communicate, communicate, communicate. If you’re frustrated that most of your “talking” is being done virtually, mention that you’re ready to move on to in-person interactions. Be intentional. And if your quasi-partner isn’t matching your energy, then take it as a red flag and move along.
Lastly, let it be. You can’t force a situationship to be a relationship. It is natural to want to rush to the committed stage, but don’t miss all the potential magic in this phase of getting to know someone.
What Does Dating Look Like?
To make finding a relationship even more confusing, “dating” can have multiple meanings. Blame the evolution of language, not me.
“Dating” can be simply a label to define a relationship — “We’re dating.” It can also be used to describe the stage that comes after talking and before a long-term commitment.
It’s not just you; language is confusing.
Whereas the “talking” stage is often characterized by casual dates and an open relationship, the “dating” stage is often more intentional. For example, you may pencil in a coffee date with someone you’re “talking” to but plan your weekend around your date with someone you are “dating.”
“Dating” can be a label or a stage, but either way “dating” usually means both people want to explore the possibility of a relationship.
Part of this terminology difference is about saving face. In Emotions and Society, researchers Dernby and van Hooff theorize that the vulnerability of emotions leads singles to avoid labeling relationships until they feel safe.[3]
Ironically, often there is a feeling of security that comes from labeling a relationship. When a relationship is officially labeled, comfort levels may increase and emotional vulnerability grows easier. But it’s intimidating to make that first leap of faith.
Conclusion
The takeaway message here is that language is weird. Good luck.
Kidding. Language is weird, but you’ll be fine. Remember, when it comes to talking vs dating, communication is key.
“Talking” is an early relationship stage and “dating” is the more official stage that comes next, or simply a relationship label. However, it doesn’t matter what you call it as long as you and your partner are on the same page.
As with life, so much of dating (or talking!) is knowing what you deserve and trusting your gut. Channel the confidence of Moira Rose and trust your instincts bébé!
Want to know more about tips and advice in Getting into a relationship? Check link here!
FAQs
How do I know if I’m ready to move from “talking” to “dating”?
You’ll know you’re ready to move from “talking” to “dating” when you’re interested in spending time in this person’s company on a regular basis. You’ve spent a few weeks talking and getting to know each other and you’re ready to move to the next stage.
What if we have different expectations about the “talking” stage?
If you have different expectations about the “talking” stage, you need to communicate. Ask open-ended questions to understand your partner’s perspective. If the expectations are too different, prioritize what’s best for your emotional health.
What is it called when you’re talking to someone but not dating?
When you’re talking to someone but not dating, it’s often called a ‘situationship.’ A situationship is when you’re investing time in someone without officially dating. Healthy situationships can evolve into relationships.
References
- Taylor, A. C., Rappleyea, D. L., Fang, X., & Cannon, D. (2013). Emerging adults’ perceptions of acceptable behaviors prior to forming a committed, dating relationship. Journal of Adult Development, 20, 173–184. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-013-9169-3 ↩︎
- Hardesty, M., Wilson, S. E., Wasserman, L., Young, S., Massey, S., & Merriwether, A. (2024). What are college students talking about when they say they’re “just talking?” Emerging Adulthood, 12(3), 372–386. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968241234398 ↩︎
- Denby, A., & Hooff, J. v. (2024). An emotional stalemate: Cold intimacies in heterosexual young people’s dating practices. Emotions and Society, 6(2), 171–187. https://doi.org/10.1332/263169021X16740853641050 ↩︎
