Expectations are basically the realistic standards you set with your partner. And everyone has different expectations for their relationship.
Still, there are a few universal values you should expect your partner — and you! — to prioritize and maintain.
Table of Contents
Let’s explore healthy expectations and must-haves you should look for to nurture a relationship.
Key Takeaways:
- Set realistic expectations like trust, loyalty, passion, and maturity early on in your relationship.
- Both partners must actively work on managing and adjusting these expectations over time.
- Unrealistic expectations in a relationship can lead to disappointment and resentment.
- If someone disregards your values and expectations, stand firm and prioritize yourself.
10 Healthy and Reasonable Expectations in a Relationship
1. Love and affection
Love means feeling deeply connected and devoted to someone, while affection is showing those emotions physically and presently.
It doesn’t mean buying expensive gifts or going on VIP getaways. Though, let’s be honest, no one ever says “no” to that.
Love doesn’t fade away with time or crash and burn like infatuation does. It’s persistent and persevering. You know the old saying, “Love conquers all.”
Affection is the language of the heart, how we express love, spoken through gestures that show companionship, care, and physical attraction.
Everyone loves and shows love in their own way. It could be making coffee for each other after a late night out, dancing in the kitchen while the curry simmers, or just enjoying each other’s presence after a long day.
What doesn’t vary is the human need for love and affection.
Dr. Ami Rokach of York University in Toronto writes in the Journal of Psychology,
Research has long demonstrated that humans need love, and when that love is provided it boosts personal wellbeing, as well as increased relational satisfaction. Moreover, similarity between couples’ values and emotional experiences seem to get the couple closer to each other.[1]
So, first and foremost, you should expect your partner to treat you with love, and to show that love through both small and grand gestures of affection.
2. Trust
Trust means expecting your partner to be reliable and honest and doing so in return. It’s a firm belief that lets you peacefully close your eyes, cocooned in your partner’s embrace, knowing you’re secure enough to be completely vulnerable and loved.
Trust means not feeling the need to hide anything from your partner, even your flaws and fears. It’s having faith that your partner won’t ditch you for some random hot glamazon.
Researchers Teoh et al. explain in the Journal of Human Development and Communication that trust is essential for fostering positive emotions, which are vital for mental health and achieving a fulfilling life. The study suggests that integrating trust with other elements like love and commitment can significantly improve our understanding of how romantic relationships contribute to well-being.[2]
Without trust, your relationship won’t stand the test of time. It is the essential expectation that holds everything together in a relationship.
“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” – J. M. Barrie, Peter Pan
3. Passion and intimacy
If love is melody, passion and intimacy are lyrics that bring it to life. People tend to expect a relationship brimming with at least a modicum of passion and intimacy.
Passion’s intensity keeps you interested in the relationship. To love someone is common, but to love passionately is a true gift.
Your expectation might include a partner who can make your heart skip a beat with a tender touch or smoldering glance. Think of the kind of connection where they are your very own Mr. Darcy — brooding and mysterious but full of charm and decency.
How seamlessly your partner expresses that attraction and passion without making you feel uncomfortable or crossing your boundaries will encourage the intimacy necessary to give passion a home in your relationship.
Researchers Lankveld et al. report in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, “In both male and female partners in romantic, long-term relationships, higher levels of intimacy are associated with higher sexual desire, which is, in turn, associated with higher odds for partnered sexual activity to occur.”[3]
Passion and intimacy go hand in hand. It’s almost impossible to have one without the other in a happy relationship.
4. Loyalty and support
Among some of the most important expectations in relationships are loyalty and support.
A loyal partner remains emotionally invested and makes choices that help your relationship grow solid. They stand by your side in good times and bad, respecting your feelings, and keeping them safe as the relationship grows.
A good partner will support you through the good times and bad. Driving next to you down a deserted highway while you train for a marathon or helping you open up a vegan restaurant despite being a meat lover — your expectations should include support along the way and loyalty after you get there.
There’s a moment in the book Iron Flame when Xaden reveals a life-threatening secret to Violet. He predicts it will take “all of a heartbeat” for her to fall out of love with him once he tells her. And his secret is a doozy. But does she reject him once she knows his secret? No. “My love isn’t fickle,” she tells him.[4] Loyalty.
Of all the standards and expectations one should hold their partner to, nothing beats loyalty.
5. Appreciation
Appreciation is the true testament of how much your partner values your presence in their life. A loving glance or a post-it on the bathroom mirror can make you feel truly seen and strengthen your bond.
Expect them to value both the little and big things you do to keep your relationship vibrant. You deserve someone wrapping their arms around you from behind as you do the dishes and planting a soft kiss on your cheek, saying “You’re amazing.”
Or maybe they’ll surprise you with your favorite wine just because — no special occasion needed — they get how much you do for them, instead of expecting you to fetch their drinks while they’re lost in the latest House of the Dragon episode, with nary a thank you in sight.
6. Kindness and generosity
Expect your partner to be kind and generous with you and others in your life.
Some people don’t see the need for small acts of kindness if they don’t serve a clear purpose or align with societal norms. If your partner doesn’t even tip the waiter or gets annoyed at your parents’ dog, who honestly just wanted them to get out of her designated seat, it means their generosity level is about as low as a limbo bar at a beach party.
Geoffrey Miller writes in his book Moral Psychology,
We feel lust for other people’s bodies, but we fall in love with their mental and moral traits . . . They reveal good mental health, good brain efficiency, good genetic quality, and good capacity for sustaining cooperative sexual relationships and investing in children.[5]
To put that in layperson’s terms, no matter how they are or how big their 401k, a d-bag is a d-bag. Make sure your expectations include that your partner is a decent person to others — or they won’t be decent to you either.
7. Compromise
I once read a quote that said, “My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.” While, yes, you need a partner who will acquiesce when you explain that hanging a TV over a fireplace is tacky, good ol’ compromise is also important.
Regular conflicts that persist without resolution can never foster a healthy relationship. So, both partners need to be willing to compromise. The difference between expectations and demands is respecting your partner’s point of view.
In the 2011 book Morality and the Emotions, Ben–Ze’ev writes,
The issue of compromise becomes even more complex when we are dealing with romantic love . . . The test of genuine love is whether lovers can accommodate these compromises in a manner that prevents, or significantly reduces, the negative aspects, allow the positive one’s to prevail.[6]
Now, I’m not saying you should hang your TV over your fireplace — God, no — but focus on compromise to enhance your partnership.
Compromise might mean they cut down on their drinking because you like them sober. They make travel plans despite being a homebody. Or if your partner has a driving phobia, you give up your dream of being a passenger princess and check the bus schedule. You agree to a “man cave” since you wouldn’t let him hang that monstrosity over your mahogany mantle.
Keep in mind that you should never compromise on your values or expect your partner to do so. You chose each other because of your essential relationship values, not despite them.
8. Emotional availability
Sometimes our emotions take the wheel like a toddler on a sugar high. Especially if you’re a woman over 35 — that perimenopause is like a roller coaster in Hell.
In those tough moments, we need a shoulder to cry on, someone to share our ridiculously overblown stories with, someone who hates Patrice from work just as much as we do despite never having met her.
An emotionally available partner reciprocates feelings naturally. They accept yours with grace and offer their own in return.
Research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships concluded that people who deal with stress by expressing their emotions thrive with more emotional support from their partners. They seek support more often and find it more helpful. Which improves their well-being and emotional satisfaction.[7]
9. Confidence and maturity
Maturity is a killer trait we expect in our partners. It’s true that women mature faster than men, on average, but you’re not 11 years old anymore. You need a partner who’s a fully developed Adult with a capital A.
With such maturity comes true confidence, not misplaced confidence, which I would call arrogance. These are basic expectations you should set for your partner, the most fundamental qualities of a grown-ass man.
A mature, confident man attracts women like a dessert buffet at a menstrual cycle convention. A childish, arrogant man repels them. It’s up to you to know the difference.
10. Communication
If your heart’s messages struggle to find their way to your partner’s ears, a communication barrier looms over your relationship like a fog.
It’s not just about talking and listening; it’s about truly getting each other. When the communication starts to falter, you’ll notice the signs.
A 2002 article in Interpersonal Processes in Romantic Relationships advises, “People have to communicate when they initiate relationships. The way they approach potential partners, the type of questions they ask, and the information they disclose all influence whether and how their relationships develop.”[8]
Pay close attention to how your partner responds when you share your thoughts and feelings. You should expect them to be open to what you have to say and respond thoughtfully with their own point of view.
A 2009 study of communication observes that couples with secure attachment style communicate better during conflicts, while insecure couples tend to have negative interactions.[9]
Openness in communication means sharing your thoughts and desires without the fear of being judged. Communicating in a manner that considers each other’s feelings and boundaries and provides encouragement, reassurance, and emotional support.
Turns out, good communication is the GPS that keeps your relationship from taking an unexpected detour right off a cliff.
How to Set and Manage Expectations in a Healthy Relationship
It’s all well and good to know what expectations are, but you need to know how to maintain your high standards.
Communicate expectations openly and honestly
A successful relationship depends significantly on clearly communicating your high expectations from the get-go. When discussing your thoughts and desires, instead of saying “You should . . . ,” use “I think we can . . . ” or “How about we . . . .”
Keep it more of a team effort and less like a surprise attack.
You need to have those tough conversations about your expectations for a romantic power couple. Otherwise, resentment and passive-aggressive BS can build up. If you can’t abide certain behavior from your partner, it’s your responsibility to communicate that.
And it’s the same for those little things that can enhance romantic satisfaction.
Share your love for romantic gestures. Whether it’s a candlelit dinner or other quality time, be vocal about it. Let your partner know what you expect from them.
Let’s be real, men aren’t the most intuitive people in the world. They aren’t going to read your mind, so spell it out for them.
Be realistic and flexible with expectations
Different expectations are inevitable. What you want to avoid are mismatched expectations. These can lead to conflict, which is why it’s important that you be realistic and flexible about your expectations when entering into a relationship.
If you set unreasonable expectations, you might find yourself disappointed when things don’t go as planned. But that doesn’t mean you give up your dream of walking on the red carpet with Ryan Reynolds — no way — just don’t freak out if your partner shows up as the budget version, complete with a coffee stain.
Life is full of surprises, so setting realistic expectations is key to staying adaptable and avoiding letdowns.
A study at Mercer University found that “unrealistic and idealistic expectations lower relationship satisfaction.” Not only that, but “the higher the expectations the steeper the declines in the relationship satisfaction over time.” In fact, author Danielle Render declares, “many studies have indicated that a powerful contributor to a decrease in marital satisfaction is the holding of unrealistic expectations.”[10]
Here’s how to keep things on track:
- Plan regular date nights
- Balance time together with time apart
- Communicate clearly and address emotional, mental, and physical needs
- Apologize when you’re in the wrong
- Love with empathy and compassion
- Share domestic and financial responsibilities
- Find solutions rather than assigning blame
Regularly check in and adjust expectations
Sometimes we set too many expectations, which are then inevitably left unmet. In some cases, it may be appropriate to reevaluate your expectations.
Here are some common situations when you need to adjust your expectations.
- Your relationships keep failing
- You or your partner experiences life changes or a health crisis
- You decide to make a compromise to your expectations for the sake of the relationship
- You realize you’re basing your expectations on old relationships
- You experience a period of long distance from your partner
- Your relationship levels up, like moving in together or having kids
- Your partner’s or your own values change based on life events, current events, or something else
It’s important you find ways to adjust and make sure your expectations are reasonable and realistic.
Distinguish between expectations and nonnegotiables
Ultimately, you’re your own number one. You’ve gotta look out for you. This means some of your expectations are nonnegotiable.
Some examples of relationship nonnegotiables:
- Fidelity
- Sobriety
- Financial stability
- Religion and politics
- Physical and emotional abuse
According to research from the journal Trauma, Violence, & Abuse,
Intimate partner violence (IPV) was shown to have negative effects on physical health outcomes for women, including worsening the symptoms of menopause and increasing the risk of developing diabetes, contracting sexually transmitted infections, engaging in risk-taking behaviors including the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and developing chronic diseases and pain.[11]
Your nonnegotiables should absolutely include your safety, at all times. Never compromise in a way that could hurt you, your values, or your self-esteem. A partner who demands you compromise your values is not a mere mismatch. That’s a toxic relationship, girl.
You tell any partner who has a problem with your nonnegotiables to hit the road, Jack.
Balance individual and relationship expectations
Your goals and dreams won’t always align perfectly with your partner’s.
Balancing your needs with relationship goals is like mixing a perfect cocktail: You need to blend your own flavors with your partner’s. Stir in a bit of compromise, shake up some open communication, and garnish with self-care.
It’s about finding a mix of activities you both enjoy, and sipping slowly to make sure the balance is just right.
Align expectations around future plans and goals
If you’re aiming for a committed, long-term relationship, it’s smart to map out your goals and dreams ahead of time.
Discuss your goals for the future at the start to ensure you’re both on the same page. Talk about topics such as finances, sexuality, cohabitation, monogamy, plans for marriage, and your thoughts on having kids — or perhaps adopting a dog instead.
Conclusion
Now you know what healthy relationship expectations look like and how realistic your own expectations are.
From feeling loved and appreciated to trusting each other and communicating well, these expectations pave the way for a happier relationship. By talking openly about what you both expect out of your relationship, you can build a strong foundation together.
It’s about balancing your own needs with those of your partner, so you can grow together with a strong future.
Interested in exploring more topics about getting into a relationship? Check out our page here.
FAQs
What is the difference between wants and expectations in a relationship?
The difference between wants and expectations in a relationship is that wants are extra things you may not need for a healthy relationship, while realistic expectations are the must-haves to make your relationship stronger.
How do you tell someone your expectations in a relationship?
If you want to tell someone your expectations in a relationship, learn to talk openly. Focus on words that don’t hurt or accuse your partner in any way. Use “I” instead of “you” to ensure your partner understands your individual needs and doesn’t feel attacked.
Why can expectations in a relationship cause problems?
Expectations can cause problems in relationships when they are based on unrealistic beliefs, such as expecting a healthy relationship to be 100% conflict-free. These unmet expectations lead to disappointment, resentment, and communication breakdowns, ultimately harming the relationship if left unresolved.
References
1. Rokach, A. (2024). The meanings of love: An introduction. The Journal of Psychology, 158(1), 1–4.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980.2024.2307284
2. Teoh, P. H., Hashim, I. H. M., & Bono, S. A. (2024). Romantic relationship and well-being: A review of the role of trust, love expression, and commitment. Journal of Human Development and Communication, 12, 1–9.
https://doi.org/10.58915/johdec.v12.2023.624
3. Van Lankveld, J., Jacobs, N., Thewissen, V., Dewitte, M., & Verboon, P. (2018). The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 557–576.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517743076
4. Yarros, R. (2023). Iron flame. Entangled Publishing, LLC.
5. Miller, G. (2007). Kindness, fidelity, and other sexually selected virtues. In W. Sinnott-Armstrong & C. B. Miller (Eds.), Moral Psychology, Volume 1: The Evolution of Morality: Adaptations and Innateness. The MIT Press.
https://doi.org/10.7551/mitpress/7481.003.0006
6. Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2011). Romantic compromises. In C. Bagnoli (Ed.), Morality and the emotions, pp. 95–114. Oxford University Press.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Aaron-Ben-Zeev/publication/268871048_The_Nature_and_Morality_of_Romantic_Compromises/links/54f9b9530cf25371374ff6fd/The-Nature-and-Morality-of-Romantic-Compromises.pdf
7. Austin, K. W., Kane, H. S., Williams, D. D., & Ackerman, R. A. (2022). Emotional approach coping and daily support behavior in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(3), 526–548.
https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211041657
8. Vangelisti, A. L. (2002). Interpersonal processes in romantic relationships. Handbook of Interpersonal Communication, 3, 643–679.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Anita-Vangelisti/publication/285862083_Interpersonal_processes_in_romantic_relationships/links/5932c86aa6fdcc89e7bde18c/Interpersonal-processes-in-romantic-relationships.pdf
9. Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509347932
10. Render, D. (2017). The prince charming effect: An analysis of the effect unrealistic portrayals of men have on relationship satisfaction within romantic relationships. Mercer University Research, Scholarship, and Archives.
https://ursa.mercer.edu/handle/10898/3710
11. Stubbs, A., & Szoeke, C. (2022). The effect of intimate partner violence on the physical health and health-related behaviors of women: A systematic review of the literature. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(4), 1157–1172.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838020985541
