When “What are we?” is too awkward, and “We need to talk” too threatening, you can’t go wrong invoking Shakespeare, but make sure your DTR talk is a lighthearted comedy and not a tragedy.
Keep in mind that defining the relationship is not about labeling it or pressuring yourself and the person you’re seeing; it is simply about making sure you’re on the same page.
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But what is the DTR talk? And how do you initiate it? And when? And why?
Okay, keep your wig on!
This article will have you ready for everything DTR related, for, in the words of Hamlet, “The readiness is all.”
Key Takeaways:
- DTR stands for “define the relationship” and helps you clarify expectations with someone you’re dating.
- There’s no perfect time for this — it’s best to follow your instincts.
- Prepare for the conversation by thinking about what YOU want from the relationship.
- Open, honest communication is key to a successful DTR conversation.
- It’s okay for this to lead to different outcomes, the goal is understanding where you both stand.
DTR Meaning
It’s exactly what it sounds like.
It’s about defining — doesn’t have to be anything more or less. And it’s about your relationship — or lack of one, depending on how the talk goes.
Just kidding.
This is not so much about the conversation as much as it is about the actual relationship you’re having the conversation for.
“Defining a relationship is all about clarifying your needs, desires, and boundaries,” explains certified sex therapist Dr. Constance DelGiudice, who runs a counseling practice in Florida.
She says that “having a DTR conversation is just a way for both people to get on the same page about how you’re viewing the relationship and what the expectations are around commitment, exclusivity, and emotional investment.”[1]
“Having a DTR conversation is just a way for both people to get on the same page about how you’re viewing the relationship and what the expectations are around commitment, exclusivity, and emotional investment.”
It is simply about making sure your expectations from each other, from the relationship, and for the future align, so you don’t end up getting hurt or hurting someone else out of ignorance.
What Is a DTR Convo?
Unless you and your partner have achieved telepathy (maybe you’re bonded to mated dragons?), you can’t really define your relationship without talking about it.
In a “defining the relationship” conversation, you seek to understand what type of relationship you have, what each of you wants and expects from the relationship — and more importantly, if those wants and expectations match.
Are you friends with benefits? In a monogamous, committed relationship? Seeing other people? In a situationship? Are you exclusive? Should you change the privacy policy on your dating apps? Are you developing stronger feelings than those you started out with?
Whatever your answers to these questions, it’s probably time to initiate this conversation before you fall deeper for someone who thinks of you as a situationship at best and is seeing other people on the side at worst.
When to Define a Relationship
So, you’ve been hanging out for some time, you’ve done the casual movie dates and candlelit dinners. Surely, you’re more than just casually dating . . . right?
Some people have read too many self-help books or have been hurt so many times that they want the relationship status clarified before the third date. Others, though, might feel unprepared for or uninterested in commitment (or have also been hurt too many times) and just want to take things slow.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to relationships or defining them.
Every relationship is unique to the parties involved, but here are some signs you might need to have a DTR talk soon:
- When daydreaming, you catch yourself fantasizing about a future with this person.
- You want clarity on your exclusivity, whether you are exclusive or in some kind of contest.
- You get asked out by someone else and it feels wrong for that to even be an option at this point.
How soon should you have the DTR talk?
Again, some people might show up on a first date and let you know that they’re not here to play or be played with.
Others might like the game.
Whether you’re ready for this conversation or not, only you can know.
Let’s be real, though. Putting this conversation off for too long might make it inevitable to hurt or get hurt.
Putting this conversation off for too long might make it inevitable to hurt or get hurt.
According to Dr. Scott Stanley of the University of Denver, “When it comes to commitment, either partner A and B are nearly equally committed or they are not. At earlier stages of relationships, an imbalance is common, since one partner often becomes more committed sooner than the other.”
Dr. Stanley goes on to say that “when this imbalance lingers, it can become a serious problem,” for by then deep feelings are involved, and instead of defining the relationship, you might end up terminating it.[2]
Ideally, you would have this talk long enough into the relationship that you both know what you want out of it but early enough that no imbalance has developed.
How to Have the DTR Talk
- Remember to prepare!
- Reflect on what YOU want out of the relationship. What are your expectations? your hopes? your red flags? your boundaries? Think about them and make sure you can discuss them clearly and calmly.
- Don’t suddenly throw this at your partner in the middle of a friend’s birthday party. Choose a private, relaxed setting where you can have a long conversation without being interrupted or feeling pressured by others.
- Be direct but kind: Start by expressing positive feelings, perhaps bring up your favorite things about your partner, what you like about them so much that makes you want more, then transition to discussing how you want this more.
- Prepare open-ended questions — questions that encourage honesty instead of demanding answers you’ve already planned in your head (and give your partner some time to think about the answers so they can be genuine and not rushed).
What Do You Say in a DTR Conversation?
The exact words will differ from one person to the other, but you can’t go wrong with being honest and straightforward.
According to relationship expert and licensed psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, who operates out of New York City, “Honesty in a romantic relationship is about being authentic and genuine with your partner. It requires saying what you feel and think without hiding, suppressing, or manipulating your words.”[3]
So, say what feels true to you, what you’re comfortable with. Below are a couple of examples, but do not fear or hesitate to make them your own:
- “I really enjoyed spending this weekend together, do you see us doing this every weekend?”
- “I’m so comfortable with you that I’m not interested in seeing other people anymore. Are you on the same page?”
This is your chance to set your boundaries, to be confident and assured that if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, then that’s the most you can get out of this and it might be time to get out.
While all of that is true and it’s important to be honest, there’s another side to what to say in a DTR conversation.
You must also be respectful of the other person’s boundaries and feelings. Especially if you each define the relationship differently. You definitely want to choose your words carefully to prevent your DTR talk ending in a bitter breakup.
Dr. Kara L. Vander Linden of the Glaser Center for Grounded Theory at the Institute for Research and Theory Methodologies, a research nonprofit, talks about the importance of considering the connotations and baggage of words carefully. She reminds us that “words have meanings that extend beyond their dictionary definitions.”[4]
I mean, I think we all know that the old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is total nonsense.
In the immortal words of renowned wordsmith T. Alison Swift, words can, in fact, “shoot to kill.”
Be sure that you advocate for your point of view in a way that won’t challenge your partner’s, even subtly.
The goal is to define what you are to each other, not hurt each other, make unreasonable demands, or be stubborn against your better judgment.
Conclusion
It is perfectly normal to be nervous when it comes to defining the status of your relationship. After all, you might hear some things you’re not ready to hear, or you might reveal things your partner isn’t ready for yet, but it’s worth it.
Clear communication in a relationship is key to a healthy, fulfilling one.
DTR is the kind of conversation that is both an act of self-respect and an act of respect to the other person. You respect yourself enough to put yourself and your expectations and needs out there, and you respect them enough to not want to hurt them, lead them on, or disappoint them.
The DTR talk could be the gateway to the next phase of your relationship, and I’ll leave you to handle the ups and downs of that!
Or, in the words of Shakespeare, “Farewell, good Salisbury, and good luck go with thee!”
If you want to read more about our topics about being in a relationship follow the link.
FAQs
Where should I have the DTR talk?
You should have the DTR talk somewhere private when you’re both comfortable in each other’s company and relaxed, with nothing else requiring your attention.
How do you start the “What are we?” conversation?
You start the DTR gently by sharing what you really like about your partner and why you would like to see things progressing in a certain direction.
How do you say “We need to talk” without scaring him?
You can prevent scaring off your partner with “we need to talk” by avoiding these exact words. Those four words are universally feared. It’s best to avoid them at all costs. Most people prefer getting straight to the point, and the less you frame it as something that “needs” to be done, the more you’ll actually get out of it.
Is the DTR talk necessary?
Yes, the DTR talk is necessary. It ensures you are both on the same page and minimizes the chances of either of you getting hurt.
What does DTR stand for in psychology?
DTR stands for Defining the Relationship. Psychologically, it brings the comfort and reassurance of confidently knowing your place in the relationship — one less thing to worry about.
References
1. Pollard, A., & Hallett, K. (2021, June 25). The DTR talk: How to define the relationship & when to do it. Mindbodygreen. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-defining-the-relationship-is-important-and-how-to-have-the-conversation
2. Stanley, S. (2014, August 7). Why people avoid the talk (DTR). Sliding vs Deciding: Scott Stanley’s Blog. https://slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com/2014/08/why-people-avoid-talk-dtr-part-1.html
3. Gupta, S. (2023, June 9). Why honesty is so important, according to a relationship expert. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/why-honesty-is-so-important-according-to-a-relationship-expert-7503996#citation-3
4.Vander Linden, K. (2023). Choosing your words carefully. Grounded Theory Review, 22(2), 103–110. https://groundedtheoryreview.org/index.php/gtr/article/view/1
