Ending a Relationship

How to Get Over a Breakup and Move On With Your Life

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While breakups sting like a fresh sunburn, there are ways to heal, move on from us, and rediscover the awesome you that was there all along.

1. Feel your feelings.

You know what they say: The only way out is through.

That means fully embracing the wide range of feelings that come with the end of a relationship.

Table of Contents

Normalize the pain. Normalizing the pain of a breakup isn’t about wallowing forever. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel the full spectrum of emotions — sadness, anger, confusion, maybe even a little relief. 

As Dr. Evita Rocha, a physician with Kaiser Permanente in Riverside, California, wisely advises, “Breakups . . . can signify a change in roles and routine, and even cause one to question their values or who they are, acknowledging your feelings is key in allowing yourself to heal.”[1]

So, give yourself permission to grieve. Pushing those emotions down might later result in an embarrassing eruption, like a Kanye rant on Twitter. So cringe.

Process your emotions. It’s important to understand what led to the breakup. Was it a lack of trust? Incompatible politics? A compulsive need to collect Stanley Cups?

Explore your feelings. Approaching the breakup from an emotional standpoint.[2] Identify feelings of shame, grief, hurt, anger, and, ultimately, self-compassion.

Try matching your emotions to this scale of famous works of art. I’m a solid 4 most days, with frequent gusts to 6. An 8 for about 45 minutes on a Friday night.

Accept your feelings through expression. Now that you’ve identified your emotions, it’s time to embrace them. Allow yourself to fully experience your emotions without reservation. This can be messy but liberating. 

Whether you express your emotions through journaling, talking it out with a friend, or simply sitting with them in silence, honoring your feelings is the key to healthy emotional processing.

Avoid coping with drugs and alcohol, as fun as that sounds. These coping mechanisms don’t address the root cause of your emotions and can exacerbate feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion.

Alcohol and drugs can have severe health consequences, including addiction, liver damage, mental health issues, skin that looks ghoulish — and they’re expensive. 

The University of New Hampshire's Psychological and Counseling Services encourages nurturing yourself: “Plan to do something calming and soothing EVERY DAY. Some things to try: meditation, yoga, journaling, music, progressive muscle relaxation, take a walk, or anything else that you find soothing.”[3]

2. Cut contact.

While navigating this emotional rollercoaster, consider taking a break from direct contact with your ex. This “no contact” period allows you space to heal and avoid getting pulled back into the relationship or whatever cycle of conflict led to the breakup in the first place. 

It’s not about being mean but prioritizing your well-being and giving yourself the chance to move forward. In fact, research shows that unproductive contact with your ex can be a significant setback for gaining closure.[4]

Seeing their face pop up on your feed or getting a text from them can open that emotional wound all over again. Analysis of data provided by 464 participants revealed that Facebook surveillance was associated with greater current distress over the breakup, more negative feelings, sexual desire and longing for the ex-partner, and lower personal growth.[5] 

Here’s how to go no contact:

  • Unfollow (or hide!). This might feel drastic, but trust me, it’s a game-changer. Out of sight, out of mind (at least on your feed).
  • Mute their stories. The last thing you need is your recent ex knowing you’re still watching their stories, even by accident.
  • Delete their number. If you find yourself constantly tempted to text or call your ex, deleting their number can be a helpful step. This way, you’ll have to put more thought into reaching out to them, rather than doing it impulsively.
  • Take a social media break. Feeling overwhelmed by the whole online world? Give yourself permission to disconnect for a while. Focus on real-life connections and activities that make you feel good.
  • See mutual friends separately. Breaking up when you share mutual friends is a bummer, but with the right attitude it can be a boon instead. Now you and your closest friends can do the things you’d wished you were doing all along.
Did you know? Over 50% of people stay friends with an ex after a “non-marital romantic breakup.”[6]

3. Practice self-care.

When you’re getting over a breakup, taking care of yourself is priority numero uno. It’s cathartic to just binge Netflix while scarfing down a pint of ice cream, but trust me, that’s not going to do your mind or body any favors. (Well, maybe just this once.)

Instead, focus on nourishing yourself from the inside out. 

Exercise. Even just a simple daily walk can encourage deeper, more restorative sleep. Exercise also releases feel-good endorphins and helps you process all the emotions you’re feeling.

Remember what Elle Woods taught us in Legally Blonde: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” (Or, you know, exes.)

Prioritize good sleep. This means going to bed and waking up at the same time every day — even on weekends. Avoid caffeine and alcohol close to bedtime because they can interfere with sleep. Also, try not to eat heavy meals or snacks too close to bedtime, which can lead to discomfort and disrupted sleep. 

Create a relaxing bedtime routine and make your bedroom a sleep sanctuary by keeping it dark, quiet, and cool. Invest in some blackout curtains or a sleep mask, use earplugs if necessary, and turn down the thermostat to create a comfortable sleeping environment.

Did you know? A study published in the Journal of Loss and Trauma found that "focusing on maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in physical activity can be beneficial for individuals going through a breakup.”[7] 

Reconnect with hobbies and passions. Remember that incredible, passionate person you were before the relationship? The one with a list of hobbies a mile long and a contagious zest for life?

Engaging in activities you genuinely enjoy boosts your mood, fosters a sense of accomplishment, and reminds you of who you are outside of a relationship.

Maybe it was painting, rock climbing, volunteering at an animal shelter, gaming, or devouring historical fiction novels. Whatever it was, dust off those forgotten interests and dive back in!

Healthy activities won’t just distract you from your breakup. They’ll boost your self-esteem and reacquaint you with the high-value woman you know you are.

Expert insight: Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch says, "Engaging in activities you used to enjoy, even if you can’t fully enjoy them yet, will help reconnect you to your core self and the person you were before the breakup."[8

4. Rely on friends and family.

If you were feeling alone in your relationship, now is the time to leaning on your loved ones. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand you, uplift you, and maybe even drag you out for a night of bad karaoke (is there good karaoke?).

When you’re getting over a breakup, the absolute worst thing you can do is try to go it alone. It might feel easier to just curl up in a ball and shut out the world, but trust me, that’s a one-way ticket to Misery Town.

Lean on your support system — whether that’s your closest friends, your ride-or-die family members, or even your dog. Personally, I vote for the dog, but they don’t talk back — usually.

Join a support group. You can find them in-person or online.

Seek professional help. Working with a licensed therapist or counselor is a major step toward reclaiming your life. A therapist can provide a safe space to vent, guide you through difficult emotions, and equip you with tools to build healthier relationships in the future.

5. Find the silver lining.

It might feel impossible to see anything good coming out of such a crappy situation. This experience, while painful, can be a catalyst for growth, self-discovery, and learning valuable lessons about yourself and relationships. 

Identify the lessons you learned. The key to getting over a breakup and moving on with your life is all about gaining some serious self-awareness and taking a long, hard look in the mirror and really reflecting on what went down in that relationship.

Ask yourself some honest questions:

  • What were my needs in the relationship, and were they being met?
  • Did I communicate my feelings effectively?
  • Did I give as much as (or more than) I received in the relationship?
  • Were there any red flags that I ignored? Beige flags? Did they like pineapple on pizza?
  • Did I prioritize my own needs and wants over my partner’s?
  • What boundaries did I let get steamrolled?
  • Where did I compromise my own needs and values just to keep the peace?

Reflecting on these questions can help you gain a better understanding of yourself and what you want in a future relationship. It’s important to approach this process with an open mind and a willingness to be honest with yourself.

Reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly — what worked, what didn’t, and most importantly, how you can use this experience to become your best, most authentic self.

6. Move forward with care.

It’s natural to want to heal quickly after a breakup, but there are a few reasons you should take it slow.

If the relationship was brief and somewhat casual, you’ll obviously get over it faster. But if you’re suffering the loss of a deep connection and attachment, the prognosis for your recovery may not be so simple.[9]

The key is to focus on progress, not perfection. Did you manage to drag yourself out of bed and face the day, even if it was just for coffee? Win! Did you put on hard pants and have a “bones day”? (RIP Noodle) Go you! Did you resist the urge to text your ex (again)? Another victory lap for you! 

Go it alone for a while. Dating yourself means taking the time to do things that bring you joy and make you feel fulfilled. This could be anything from trying a new hobby, going on a solo trip, or simply taking yourself out to dinner.

By learning to enjoy yourself and stop looking for love in all the wrong places, you’ll not only learn more about yourself and what makes you happy, but you’ll also become more confident and self-sufficient.

You don’t need to sleep outside and beg for food like Jane Eyre did when she left Mr. Rochester, but some solitary soul-searching couldn’t hurt.

Your Next Steps: Getting Ready to Date Again

But before you swipe right on everyone with a pulse, let’s talk about dating with intention. This means approaching dating with a clear idea of what you want in a partner and a relationship.

Know your worth. Breakups can leave a dent in your confidence, but remember, you’re a total catch! Reflect on your strengths, values, and what makes you an amazing partner. Write it down if you have to! Dating someone who appreciates the incredible you is key.

Identify your deal-breakers. We all have them! Maybe it’s someone who hates dogs (unforgivable) or someone who still uses a flip phone (pretentious or vintage?). Identify your nonnegotiables and stick to them.

Communicate your intentions. Honest and open communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Whether you’re looking for something casual or long-term, being up-front about your desires will ensure that everyone’s on the same page and can avoid any misunderstandings down the road.

Take it slow. Don’t rush into a new relationship just because you’re feeling lonely or want to fill the void left by your ex. Take the time to get to know someone and build a genuine connection. Read Dating Advice for Women: 17 Dating Tips to Help You Build Love That Lasts to help get you in the swing of things.

Don’t put too much pressure on every swipe or coffee date. If you’re worried your goofiness isn’t as charming as people say it is, read The Socially Awkward Gal’s Guide to Surviving Dating Life.

Enjoy getting to know new people, but also trust your gut and don’t be afraid to walk away if something doesn’t feel right.

Conclusion

A breakup is a plot twist, a chance to rewrite the narrative and emerge as the strong, independent protagonist you were always meant to be.

With time, you’ll learn what you truly value in a partner, discover hidden strengths you never knew you had, and maybe even rediscover the passions that set your soul on fire. So, embrace the journey. Grieve, heal, and pamper yourself rotten. You’ll be a stronger, wiser, and even more fabulous version of yourself. 

For help navigating the end of a relationship, follow the link!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What are the 5 stages of heartbreak?

The 5 stages of heartbreak are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were originally identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as part of the grief process, and they can also apply to healing from the loss of someone in a breakup.

What should you do immediately after a breakup?

Immediately after a breakup, you should prioritize self-care and allow yourself to feel your emotions but don’t dwell on them. Reach out to trusted friends and family for support and consider limiting contact with your ex. Focus on healthy habits like eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

Why am I still crying over my ex?

You’re still crying over your ex because breakups trigger a grief response, just like the loss of a loved one. Feeling sadness, anger, and confusion is a normal part of the healing process — don’t beat yourself up for those lingering emotions.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Getting over a breakup takes as long as you need it to. There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for how long it takes to get over a breakup. Be patient with yourself, lean on your support system, and focus on self-care.

References

1. Rocha, E. (2024). 8 ways to feel better after a breakup, according to the experts. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/8-ways-to-feel-better-after-a-breakup-5089116#:~:text=%22Breakups%20are%20so,yourself%20to%20heal.%22

2. Pascual-Leone, A. (2018). How clients “change emotion with emotion”: A programme of research on emotional processing. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), 165–182. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2017.1349350

3. University of New Hampshire. (n.d.). Break ups: How to help yourself move on. University of New Hampshire. https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move

4. Fife, S. T., Theobald, A. C., Gossner, J. D., Yakum, B. N., & White, K. L. (2022). Individual healing from infidelity and breakup for emerging adults: a grounded theory. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(6), 1814–1838. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211067441

5. Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10). https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0125

6. Mason, A. E., Sbarra, D. A., Bryan, A. E., & Lee, L. A. (2012). Staying connected when coming apart: The psychological correlates of contact and sex with an ex-partner. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 31(5), 488–507. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2012.31.5.488

7. McKiernan, A., Ryan, P., McMahon, E., Bradley, S., & Butler, E. (2018). Understanding young people’s relationship breakups using the dual processing model of coping and bereavement. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(3), 192–210. https://doi.org/10.1080/15325024.2018.1426979

8. Winch, G. (2015). 7 mistakes you need to avoid after a breakup. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup#:~:text=engaging%20in%20activities%20you%20used%20to%20enjoy%2C%20even%20if%20you%20can%E2%80%99t%20fully%20enjoy%20them%20yet%2C%20will%20help%20reconnect%20you%20to%20your%20core%20self%20and%20the%20person%20you%20were%20before%20the%20breakup

9. Moller, N. P., Fouladi, R. T., McCarthy, C. J., Hatch, K. D. (2003). Relationship of attachment and social support to college students’ adjustment following a relationship breakup. Journal of Counseling & Development, 81(3), 354–369. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.1556-6678.2003.tb00262.x

Author

  • Edwin Maina is a storyteller at heart, with a background in broadcast journalism and advertising. When he's not crafting compelling narratives about love and relationships, you'll find him tending to his flock of Saanen goats and Dorper sheep—because if there's one thing he knows, it's that both animals and humans thrive on care and connection. As a youth mentor at his local church, Edwin also draws on his diverse experiences to offer wisdom on navigating life's challenges, including the ever-intriguing world of dating.

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