12 Practical Tips on How to Stop Looking for Love

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Regina George culture’s obsession with romance. 

You have a natural desire to love and be loved, but somewhere along the line you’re sold the myth that fulfillment only comes from romantic love. 

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

1. Examine Why You Want a Relationship So Badly

Humans are wired for connection. And it’s also not socially acceptable to register at Crate and Barrel to celebrate a job promotion. So, it’s natural that a romantic relationship is at the forefront of everything you think and do.

You have an evolutionary desire for relationships and a biological response to connection. 

In their research on social connections and health, doctors Martino and Frates conclude in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine that we are wired to connect from the very beginning of our lives. They explain how oxytocin (a hormone that encourages bonding) is released when we connect with someone.^[1]

You are biologically wired to connect. However, your focus on connecting with a romantic relationship instead of all relationships is partly because our culture has not evolved much from Jane Austen’s era. 

There are ways to reframe and even flourish as a one-woman show. As social scientist Dr. Bella DePaulo writes in the Journal of Family Theory & Review,

Many single people are flourishing because they take advantage of the freedom and autonomy they often have in their lives, as well as the opportunities to live psychologically rich and meaningful lives. They flourish because of the skills they master, the solitude they savor, the people they value, and the love and intimacy they enjoy.^[2]

Besides the biological and societal reasons, examine what it is you’re looking for in a relationship. Is it intimacy? Companionship? By learning what it is you want from a relationship, you’ll be more equipped to nourish one if and when that special someone comes along. 

2. Shift Your Focus to Self-Love and Personal Growth

Let’s start with an easy one: Love yourself. 

(Okay, I lied. That’s actually the hardest step for many people.)

I would guess you don’t actively hate yourself, but I would wager you aren’t actively loving yourself either. Think back to the last time you said something kind to yourself . . . I’ll wait

So much of your desire to be in a relationship comes from the love you have to give as well as your desire to be loved in return. Start with you. Your relationship with yourself is lifelong, and it can either be a drab waiting room or a solid foundation for other healthy relationships. 

Because (spoiler alert) love from a partner will not fix your relationship with yourself. 

If you don’t know where to start, consider how you love others. When you love someone (friend or romantic partner) you learn what brings them joy and then you prioritize those things. 

Start with doing what brings you joy. 

If you don’t know what brings you joy ask yourself these questions: 

• When and where do I feel most “myself”? 
• What made me unexpectedly smile within the last month?
• What used to bring me joy that I no longer do? Why did I stop?

Look at your answers. Now you have a good place to start your self-love journey.

3. Embrace Your Single Status and Enjoy Your Independence

It may not be obvious, but all your friends in relationships (and especially those with kids!) are jealous of you. You have the freedom to do whatever you want. Take a breath of fresh, unencumbered air and be grateful. 

Independent women aren’t celebrated enough in pop culture or media. I want to read a book where the main character celebrates eating “girl dinner” while bingeing a show she wants to watch. 

Is that too much to ask?

I encourage you to see this season as one of endless opportunity. Stop viewing life as a waiting room, and instead see it as a hallway with a million doors. 

Each door opens to a new adventure or a new growth opportunity. Someday you may have someone walking this hallway with you, and although that will have its perks, you will no longer be in complete control of which door(s) you choose.

Write down a few things you have been wanting to do. Be honest with yourself and list the things you haven’t done yet because your energy has been spent looking for love. Now, don’t take this time for granted and go do those things!

4. Learn a New Skill or Hobby

If you’re looking for a way to invest in yourself, try a hobby. You’ve been blessed with the gift of time and that is exactly what you need for a hobby. 

Hobbies give you an opportunity to experience the joy of learning something new. Adulthood can feel burdened with routine. Trying something new shakes up the monotony. 

Hobbies and new skills also help you to learn what you like (and don’t like). Not every hobby will stick, but take the time to try new things. It doesn’t matter if you “master” the skill or the hobby. The joy is in trying something new, and maybe along the way you’ll find something you love. So try all of the things. 

And I cannot reiterate this enough, you have the time to invest in yourself right now. You may never have this much “you” time again, so take advantage of it. You’ll be more confident and won’t feel the need to get into a relationship all the time.

5. Cultivate Meaningful Friendships and Meet New People

Yes, you are wired for connection. But a romantic relationship is not the only way to feel connected. (Who is the Director of Marketing for relationships? They need to be held accountable.) 

You can find connection and joy in your relationships with family, friends, and even your community. In fact, friendships even have health benefits. In the research on adult friendships by Gillespie et al., the authors found that “frequent face to-face contact with close friends decreases stress and improves health and overall wellbeing.”^[3]

Take an assessment of your people. Make sure you’re investing in those relationships. The older you get, the more scheduling activities with your friends feels like controlling air traffic, but that can’t be an excuse. Plan a month ahead if you need.

Beyond busy schedules, you also need to be mindful of what season of life your friends are in, and if it jives with yours. If you’re the last single person standing in your friend group, that may get awkward for you. Especially if there’s no one around to pee on you if you get stung by a jellyfish.

6. Reframe Your Mindset About Love and Relationships

If you’re looking for happiness in a partner and only a partner, you will never be happy. That may sound like a line from a fortune cookie, but it’s the unfiltered truth. Maybe you “know” this, but knowing doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it, if you don’t live it. 

Sure, a partner can bring happy moments. They can even make you feel safe and loved. But if you are waiting for them to make you whole, you will be sorely disappointed. As author and clinical psychiatry professor Jenny Taitz says in her book How to Be Single and Happy,

The belief that your happiness hinges on an external circumstance that you can’t control (i.e., meeting a romantic partner) not only makes it harder to find love, but it also sets you up for unhappiness. Letting go of the maddening myth that happiness comes from coupling up is the first step to freedom. ^[4]

The solution is reframing your mindset by confronting the myths you’ve been fed and are unconsciously holding onto. The first step is to take an honest inventory of what you believe. You cannot fight the myths until you acknowledge the thoughts that have sneakily become beliefs. 

Now, reframe those beliefs. The key to reframing is replacing the myth with a truth. For example, “I am only happy when I am in a relationship” becomes “My happiness does not depend on my relationship status.” Own your feelings, acknowledge the myth, and add the truth. 

7. Focus on the Present and Practice Mindfulness

You will feel unsettled and unhappy until you accept the season you are in. Part of that journey is mindfulness.

In their paper on mindfulness, psychologists Sigel et al. praise mindfulness as “a deceptively simple way of relating to all experience that can reduce suffering and set the stage for positive personal transformation.”^[5]

Mindfulness is more than just awareness. Sigel et al. go on to explain that mindfulness is “awareness, of present experience, with acceptance.” Awareness and acceptance. These are the keys to your peace. 

Accept that you want a relationship, but also accept that this may not be the season for it. Become aware of your surroundings, not only what is not there — a relationship — but also what is — so much good stuff. 

An easy way to practice mindfulness is with a gratitude journal. A gratitude journal forces you to stop and assess your life. When you pause and purposely look for the good, you will find the good, and you’ll also be more present in your life. 

8. Trust That Love Will Come When the Time Is Right

I’m not going to tell you the cliche that love comes when you least expect it, but I will tell you that love never comes by forcing it. 

When I was on the dating apps, I spent a season obsessively swiping and it backfired on me. My intense craving for a relationship took all the fun out of dating and I ended up jaded and dreading each date. My single-minded goal of a relationship also kept me from seeing and appreciating all the good I had going for me in that season. 

Your life story is so much more than the chapter on love. When it’s time, that chapter will come, but if you skip ahead, you’ll miss out on the other great chapters of your life and potentially end up in a relationship that feels forced. Love is like jeans: If you squeeze yourself into it, you’ll be miserable.

9. Recognize the Signs of Forcing a Relationship

If you’re honest with yourself, you know when you’re forcing it. It can look like ignoring incompatibilities or compromising on values, but in essence it looks and feels like losing yourself.

All relationships involve compromise, but the healthy ones don’t require you to compromise who you are. 

Compromising on what restaurant to eat at is healthy; compromising on how you treat the servers at the restaurant is not. The difference is obvious. 

But let’s be honest, sometimes the relationship isn’t the problem — you are. If there are no obvious red flags and you still feel like you aren’t yourself, ask yourself if fear is directing your actions. 

The beginning of a relationship can be scary, especially if you’ve been hurt before, but you can’t rush to the conclusion by force. Trying to force a relationship out of fear will only destroy it. On the other hand, letting something unfold naturally could lead to something great. 

10. Delete Your Dating Apps

Just do it. 

Okay, so dating apps aren’t public enemy number one. They can actually be very helpful . . . when you’re healthy. But if you aren’t at your best, the last thing you need is access to a slot machine of singles. 

Deep down you know when the apps aren’t healthy. But a couple of cues to pay attention to are obsession and dread. If you are obsessively swiping, delete it. If you are dreading each date, delete it. 

In short, if you’re viewing dating apps as your lifeline to happiness, you need a break. 

Delete the apps and find a more productive use for that time. Imagine all that you could do with the time you’re spending swiping and suffering awkward first-date conversations. 

11. Don’t Hang Out With Your Ex

This should be obvious, but alas, we all fall victim sometimes.

There’s a reason you broke up, but more dangerously, there is also a reason you fell in love with them. Becoming platonic friends with someone you once had deep feelings for is around 99.5% impossible. And do not assume you are the exception. 

Here is a common scenario: Someone ends the relationship due to lack of time, interest, etc. but wants to continue a friendship. (Obviously. You’re delightful.) Fast forward three months and you’re practically dating again even though it probably won’t work out. 

See the problem? 

It is so easy to slip back into old habits, but slipping back into old habits with someone who has an emotional hold on you is dangerous. Friendship with your ex holds you back. It’s difficult to stop looking for love when you are spending time with someone you once loved (and probably still do). 

Save yourself from a future mistake by deleting your ex’s number. If you aren’t ready for that yet, rename them in your phone to something motivating. My ex was “You’re Stronger Than This” until I was ready to delete his number. 

While you’re at it, ask yourself if it’s healthy for you to follow them on social media. If you will spiral when they post a picture of someone else, the answer is no. 

12. Talk to a Therapist

Let’s go back to your motivation for a relationship and the myths you may be believing. You can work those out on your own, or you can speed up the process by talking to a professional. 

Here is the problem with working it out on your own: You are not impartial. 

Therapists listen to you without judgment but also ask you questions that make you reevaluate your motivations and beliefs. 

The truth is, all relationships have an impact (not just romantic ones), and we often walk around not fully aware of that impact. Therapy gives you a safe space to work through the accumulation of junk you’ve picked up from just being a human who interacts with other humans.

Therapy is kind of like cleaning out a junk room. There are many “How did that get there!” moments. 

Sticking with the junk room analogy, if you ignore the growing pile, it will eventually crash on someone. Or host a family of rats. 

This is why therapy matters. Yes, you want to be emotionally healthy for yourself, but you also want to be emotionally healthy to have positive relationships with family, friends, and future romantic partners.

It’s 2024, you really don’t have an excuse to avoid therapy. You can find a highly rated therapist with a single Google search. And with multiple reputable online therapy sites, you can’t even blame your schedule anymore. 

A quick note about therapy: If you don’t click with a therapist, don’t discard the idea of therapy altogether. Therapists are like all other relationships, and sometimes you need to try a few before finding someone you connect with. You wouldn’t avoid all medical attention just because you didn’t like one doctor, so don’t do that with therapy.

Conclusion

It is natural to want a relationship, but don’t let it consume you. There is so much more to life.

The freedom and time you have right now is perfect for investing in self-discovery and friendships. Remember, connection is a human need but it does not need to be filled by a romantic partner. You do not need a relationship with a man to be worthy of happiness.

Apply these practical tips to stop wanting romance. Do the work to embrace this season of your life. You’ll one day look back and see how valuable it was.

Looking to explore more about starting a relationship? Check out our page.

FAQs

Why do I crave bad relationships?

You crave bad relationships because of past trauma or experiences. If all you know is unhealthy relationships, you will continue to gravitate toward them. Focus on self-care and growth, seek therapy, and establish boundaries.

Is it normal to want a relationship badly?

It is normal to want a relationship badly, but with some work you can want one less. Humans have an innate desire to love and be loved, but your focus on romantic love may stem from loneliness. Investing in friendships and self-growth can help you feel connected and enjoy being single.

Is it wrong to crave a relationship?

No, it is not wrong to crave a relationship. However, it may not be healthy for you. Relationships can add love and joy to your life, but so can friendships and a strong sense of self. Refocus your attention to the good in your life by practicing mindfulness and gratitude. 

References

1. Martino, J., Pegg, J., & Frates, E. P. (2015). The connection prescription: Using the power of social interactions and the deep desire for connectedness to empower health and wellness. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 11(6), 466–475. https://doi.org/10.1177/1559827615608788

2. DePaulo, B. (2023). Single and flourishing: Transcending the deficit narratives of single life. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 15(3), 389–411. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12525

3. Gillespie, B. J., Lever, J., Frederick, D., & Royce, T. (2015). Close adult friendships, gender, and the life cycle. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(6), 709–736. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514546977

4. Taitz, J. (2018). How to be single and happy: Science-based strategies for keeping your sanity while looking for a soul mate. TarcherPerigee. 

5. Siegel, R. D., Germer, C. K., Olendzki, A. (2009). Mindfulness: What is it? Where did it come from? In F. Didonna (Ed.), Clinical Handbook of Mindfulness. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-0-387-09593-6_2