So, you’re socially awkward. Join the club — we’ve got t-shirts (that we’re probably wearing inside out).
It’s time to lean into those endearing quirks of yours. With some self-acceptance, smart strategies, and a generous dose of humor, you’ll discover dating doesn’t have to feel like a root canal.
Table of Contents
What Does It Mean to Be Socially Awkward?
Maybe you treat small talk like it’s an advanced calculus exam, spend too long crafting the perfect “hey” text, or rehearse conversations in your head like you were cast in Hamilton as Hamilton (if you don’t get the reference just listen to “My Shot” once).
Being socially awkward means feeling uneasy or uncomfortable in social situations, often struggling with conversations, body language, or fitting in. Relatable? I bet. But it’s more common than you might think. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that nearly 12% of US adults experience social anxiety at some point in their lives.[1]
But let’s settle it once and for all: social awkwardness isn’t a flaw – it’s just a part of who you are, like Zendaya’s natural grace or Drew Barrymore’s infectious laugh (yep, they’re both on our team).
It means you might take a bit longer to warm up in social settings, overthink the occasional high-five attempt, or feel like your brain’s buffering when someone demands, “So, tell me about yourself.”
And guess what. That’s completely normal. It makes you memorable, real, and often more relatable than you think. Think about it: Zooey Deschanel built her entire career on being authentically quirky. If she can rock her adorkable vibe all the way to stardom, you can definitely rock that first date.
Signs You’re Socially Awkward & How to Deal With It
Difficulty starting conversations
If you watched The Queen’s Gambit, you may remember that Beth Harmon could calculate 15 chess moves ahead but froze when trying to make small talk.
When starting conversations, your brain’s processing power short-circuits. This “conversational paralysis” often stems from our brain’s tendency to overanalyze social situations in real time. Your brain isn’t underperforming, it’s overperforming (like that one person at the karaoke night who takes it a tad too seriously, calm down Jen).
How to deal with it: You know what? Embrace the weirdo. Throw a funny pickup line or flirty question. Don’t try to be like a neurotypical person (never met any TBH, but OK), just be who you are and that will help you separate the sheep from the GOATs.
Overthinking social interactions
You dissect social interactions like you’re in a lab — with intense precision and maybe a touch too much concern for chemical reactions. You’re replaying that quick coffee date in your head like it’s the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy, complete with director’s commentary on every awkward pause.
How to deal with it: Get curious about your thoughts. They’re trying to tell you something. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself or getting too hung up on one encounter. It could be about wanting approval or tying your worth to what others think, or maybe some other codependent habits. Just brainstorming here!
Avoiding eye contact
Making eye contact feels like trying to stare down Medusa –- you’re worried one wrong look might turn you to stone. Research suggests that individuals with social and relational anxiety typically maintain shorter eye contact, make fewer eye movements overall, and have a shorter path of eye movement during conversations.[2]
How to deal with it: Give the “triangle technique” a shot: switch your gaze between each eye and the person’s nose. It’s a way to make eye contact without feeling like you’re in a staring contest. Consider it a little social exposure therapy!
Feeling anxious in group settings
Story of my life. Group situations feel like Squid Game to me. Anything more than four people induces anxiety in me. I don’t know who to listen to, or who to look at, and as a result, I just shut down.
Studies reveal that socially anxious individuals often experience heightened activity in their amygdala (the brain’s fear center) during group interactions, making casual gatherings feel like high-stakes situations.[3] Now the Squid Game comparison isn’t so over the top anymore, right?
How to deal with it: Stick to those who make you feel comfortable. Now’s not the time to push yourself out of your comfort zone — that’s not what the saying is meant for. Steer clear of alcohol and other stimulants to “calm your anxiety,” since they can make things worse over time. You might want to check out Gabor Maté’s Scattered Minds.
Guide to Socially Awkward Dating
Learn to accept yourself
You’re a Phoebe. That’s all right. Awkwardness is your charm. Stop trying to be someone that you’re not and embrace your authentic self. Whether you snort when you laugh or tell unnecessarily detailed stories about your cat, these “flaws” often become the very things someone finds endearing. That’s the energy we’re going for.
Remember, self-acceptance isn’t just feel-good advice — it’s your secret weapon in the dating world. When you’re comfortable with your quirks, others tend to feel more comfortable around you too.
Date mindfully
Dating mindfully means actually showing up for your dating life, not just going through the motions like you’re in a boring meeting. Instead of mindlessly swiping while watching The Bear, take time to read profiles and craft genuine responses. When you’re on the date, resist the urge to mentally rehearse your next three responses. Stay present and listen.
This means being honest about what you want (no, “whatever happens happens” isn’t a dating strategy), setting boundaries (it’s okay to say no to that 11 p.m. “you up?” text), and actually asking him questions that help you understand him better.
Find your dating comfort zone
Start with environments where you naturally feel confident. Love books? Schedule first dates in bookstore cafes. It’s dating on easy mode — you’ve got built-in conversation starters everywhere you look.
Into fitness? Group classes let you meet people while doing burpees (okay, maybe not during the burpees). The point is to meet potential dates where you already feel like you belong. Bonus points: Shared interests are a good starting point for any healthy relationship.
Start conversations your way
Channel your inner Emma Stone — a little awkward, completely charming, and surprisingly effective. Instead of stressing about having the perfect pickup line, try honest curiosity.
“That’s a great book” works better than a memorized pickup line, and “I love your dog” has started more relationships than “Come here often?” Remember, most guys find genuine interest more attractive than polished perfection.
Navigate dating apps without losing yourself
Dating apps can feel like you’ve signed up for ten first dates at once, all happening in your phone. Take your time crafting your profile — this isn’t a race to collect matches like Pokémon.
Let your natural humor shine in your bio instead of sounding like you’re auditioning for a Hallmark movie protagonist. And yes, it’s completely okay to workshop your messages with your best friend (we’ve all sent screenshots asking “does this sound weird?”).
Treat app conversations like a coffee date — casual, light, and no pressure to marry the first person who gets your obscure Gilmore Girls reference.
Behind every profile is a real person probably just as nervous about saying the right thing. Take breaks when the apps start feeling like a part-time job — your perfect match won’t disappear if you spend a weekend offline.
Make genuine connections
Ever noticed how curious and invested Drew Barrymore is in her show? Try to take a note from our fellow awkward lady. Instead of worrying about whether you’re sitting weirdly or if your laugh is too loud, be genuinely interested in him.
Ask about his passions, debate his hot takes on movies (especially the ones that feature difficult subjects to get to know his views), and discover his weird talents. Guys love sharing their interests with someone who seems genuinely curious, and being interested makes you naturally interesting.
Set healthy boundaries
Sometimes you need to pull a Taylor Swift and just shake it off. Feeling overwhelmed? It’s okay to take a dating sabbatical. Your social battery needs recharging just like your phone, and nobody wants to date someone running on empty.
If one Hinge date per week is your max, own it. This isn’t a race to the altar, and you’re not being scored on how many first dates you can pack into a month. Quality connections happen when you’re operating within your comfort zone, not when you’re pushing yourself to match someone else’s dating pace.
Learn to read social cues
Not everyone is born with Zandaya’s effortless coolness, so most of us have to learn it. Consider this your masterclass in human behavior. As Dale Carnegie notes in How to Win Friends and Influence People, “Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.'”[4]
The good news is that body language and tone of voice reveal more about your date than his Spotify playlist, so these skills are worth investing in.
By reading nonverbal cues like mirroring — when someone matches your body language — genuine smiles that reach the eyes, and sustained eye contact, you can date with more confidence.
Fake it till you make it
Even Rihanna, one of the coolest people in the world, once said that sometimes you need to fake it till you make it. And I believe her. She wasn’t born red-carpet ready, but you’d never know it now. Confidence is like the perfect pair of jeans — sometimes you have to wear them awhile before they really fit.
Put on your power outfit (the one that makes you feel like a CEO), stand up straight, and walk into that date like you’re the main character in HBO’s new show. Studies suggest that simply adopting confident body language can actually make you feel more confident.[5]
Nobody needs to know that your sophisticated laugh was practiced in the mirror or that your casual hair flip took 45 minutes to perfect. Fake confidence often transforms into the real deal when you’re not looking.
Embrace empathy in dating
Here’s a perspective shift: That guy across the table may be overthinking his joke about pizza toppings just as much as you’re overthinking your story about your cat’s Instagram account.
Another one of Dr. Carnegie’s nuggets states: “Any fool can criticize . . . But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”[6] We’re all human, complete with our own collection of anxieties, weird laughs, and stories that seemed funnier in our heads.
Dating becomes infinitely easier when you realize everyone’s just trying to figure it out. Focus less on performing perfect dating etiquette and more on making a genuine connection.
Causes of Social Awkwardness
Spotlight effect
Research shows that socially anxious people often experience what psychologists call the “spotlight effect” — the tendency to overestimate how much others notice our behavior.[7] You may be the main character in your own show, but you’re also the overly critical director, producer, and entire audience.
While you’re agonizing over whether he noticed you nervously shredding your napkin, he’s likely stressing about whether his hair looks weird or if that story about his college band made him sound pretentious. We’re all a bit self-centered this way.
Once you realize that nobody’s watching your every move, first dates become a lot less daunting.
Heightened social processing
Like Wednesday Addams’ supernatural abilities, some brains are simply more attuned to social signals — almost too attuned. As I mentioned above, recent neuroscience research suggests that socially awkward individuals often have heightened activity in their amygdala (the brain’s emotion center) during social interactions.[8]
You’re not failing at socializing; your brain is actually working overtime to process every subtle social cue. It’s like having a super-powerful social antenna that sometimes picks up too much signal.
Early environmental factors
Our social skills often reflect our early experiences. Family dynamics, peer relationships, and early social interactions shape how we engage with others. Some of us grew up in environments that emphasized different social skills.
For instance, if your family valued deep, one-on-one conversations over small talk, making small talk at a cocktail party might feel like speaking a foreign language. Just look at the Addams family: What’s macabre to the outside world is their cozy normal.
Neurodivergent processing
Many people experience social awkwardness as part of neurodivergent traits (like ADD/ADHD or being on the autism spectrum). The neurodivergent brain runs on a different operating system — not better or worse, just different.
Studies show that neurodivergent individuals often excel at detecting patterns and details that others miss but might find it challenging to process multiple social cues simultaneously.[9]
Like Simone Biles, whose ADHD brain helps her hyper-focus on being one of the most skilled athletes in the world. Yet, as she showed by stepping back during the Olympics, this same intensity can make some situations overwhelming.
Personality factors
Introverts aren’t “shy” — their brains literally process social stimuli differently, with higher sensitivity than extroverts. This means social interactions require more neural energy, like running your laptop with 47 tabs open.
Meanwhile, overthinkers (hello, heightened prefrontal cortex activity!) can transform a casual “How’s it going?” into a choose-your-own-adventure novel. These aren’t flaws — they’re features of your neural architecture that influence how you experience social interactions.
Understanding how your personality affects your social comfort zone is having the user manual to your own brain.
Being extremely smart
With great intelligence comes great . . . social awkwardness? Yes! Enhanced pattern of recognition and cognitive processing that can make small talk feel like trying to play “Hot Cross Buns” on a Stradivarius.
Research has found a positive correlation between intelligence and the need for cognition, which is the enjoyment of engaging in complex thinking and problem-solving tasks. This means that people with higher intelligence often prefer activities that involve deep cognitive processing.[10] Which small talk is not.
This cognitive gap can create a communication puzzle where your natural thought patterns zoom past social conventions at warp speed, making “How about this weather?” feel like an existential inquiry.
Poor social skills role models
Learning social skills is like learning a dance — if your instructors had two left feet, you might’ve picked up some interesting moves. Our brains are social sponges in early childhood, soaking up whatever examples we’re given. So, if your caregivers didn’t exactly model open, honest communication or conflict resolution, how could you be expected to learn those skills?
But here’s the good news: Just like you can unlearn your uncle’s cringe-worthy dad jokes, you can reprogram these social patterns. Your brain might be running on Windows 95 social software, but updates are always available.
Being very sick as a kid
When other kids were learning the complex politics of playground trading cards, you might’ve been mastering the art of hospital TV scheduling. Extended childhood illness isn’t just about missing school — it’s being dropped into season 5 of a show that everyone else watched from season 1.
Science indicates that the early years of life are critical for developing social intuition. Studies emphasize that early social experiences significantly contribute to a child’s understanding of others’ thoughts and feelings — a concept known as “theory of mind” — which is essential for social intuition.[11]
But hey, you probably developed other superpowers, like being able to tell which nurse is about to draw blood just by their footsteps. Jokes aside, sorry if that happened to you.
Immigrating to a new country
Culture shock is a real thing. Moving to a new country — with different norms, language, and even humor — can throw anyone off their social game. When you’re looking for love in a foreign land, your trusty guidebook of cultural cues becomes as useless as a wingman who only speaks Klingon.
In some countries, playing hard to get is the norm, while in others, it’s seen as a sign of disinterest. Suddenly, you find yourself second-guessing every wink, smile, and casual touch, wondering if you’re being charming or creepy.
Even the simple act of asking someone out can become a cultural conundrum. Is dinner too formal? Is coffee too casual? Is inviting them to a family wedding on the first date a bit too much? (Yes, it is.)
You were cursed by an ancient witch
If none of the above causes relates to you. There’s only one other explanation — you are cursed. Somewhere in the mists of time, one of your ancestors seriously ticked off a powerful sorceress, and now you’re paying the price.
The curse has doomed you to a life of social awkwardness — stumbling through parties, forever mispronouncing your date’s name, and always managing to spill your drink in public. And there’s only one way to break it . . . accept yourself just as you are.
Dealing With Social Setbacks and Rejection
Rejection is a universal part of dating — awkward or not, we all experience it. For individuals with ADHD, this can be especially challenging due to heightened rejection sensitivity. This occurs because ADHD often affects emotional regulation, making negative feedback feel more intense.[12]
But remember, not every connection is meant to be, and that’s okay. Awkwardness is a state of mind, and overcoming it involves surrounding yourself with people who genuinely love you, make you feel understood and valued. Skip those who make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.
Ways to deal with social setbacks:
- Acknowledge your feelings: It’s normal to feel hurt or disappointed. Give yourself permission to process these emotions.
- Reframe rejection: View it as proof that you’re putting yourself out there, which is a courageous step in itself.
- Seek supportive company: Spend time with people who appreciate you for who you are, boosting your sense of belonging.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Remember that everyone faces rejection at times.
Focus on growth: Use setbacks as learning opportunities to build resilience and improve future interactions.
Conclusion
Everyone has their socially awkward moments, and they’re all part of the grand adventure of being human. Embrace your weirdness, enjoy the learning curve, and take things one step at a time. Social confidence comes from self-acceptance and surrounding yourself with minds that think alike, not bending yourself over backwards to fit in some made-up norms.
Are you ready to get out there? Find more information about getting into a relationship by following the link.
FAQs
Am I shy or socially awkward?
Being shy and socially awkward are different, though they can overlap. Shyness typically involves feeling nervous or uncomfortable in social situations, while social awkwardness refers to a lack of social skills or difficulty interpreting social cues. A person can be socially awkward without being shy, and vice versa. Understanding which resonates more may help you navigate social scenarios more comfortably.
Will I ever stop being socially awkward?
Yes, it’s possible to reduce social awkwardness with practice and self-awareness. Social skills can be developed over time by exposing yourself to new social settings, reflecting on past interactions, and learning from them. Building confidence through small social experiences can gradually reduce feelings of awkwardness, helping you become more at ease in social situations.
Can you fix being socially awkward?
While “fixing” social awkwardness might sound rigid, many people reduce their awkwardness with patience and social practice. Learning social cues, practicing active listening, and observing others’ interactions can improve social skills over time. Seeking feedback from friends or even working with a social skills coach can also be beneficial in gaining social confidence.
References
1. National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Social anxiety disorder: Statistics. National Institute of Mental Health.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/social-anxiety-disorder
2. Konovalova, I., Antolin, J. V., Bolderston, H., & Gregory, N. J. (2021). Adults with higher social anxiety show avoidant gaze behaviour in a real-world social setting: A mobile eye tracking study. PLOS ONE, 16(10).
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.02590074
3. Blair, K., Otero, M., Teng, C., Geraci, M. F., Lewis, E., Hollon, N. G., Blair, R. J., Ernst, M., Grillon, C., & Pine, D. S. (2016). Learning from other people’s fear: Amygdala-based social reference learning in social anxiety disorder. Psychological Medicine, 46, 2943–2953.
https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291716001537
4. Carnegie, D. (1936). How to win friends and influence people. Simon & Schuster.
5. Carney, D. R., Cuddy, A. J., & Yap, A. J. (2010). Power posing: brief nonverbal displays affect neuroendocrine levels and risk tolerance. Psychological Science, 21(10), 1363–1368.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610383437
6. Carnegie, D. (1936). How to win friends and influence people. Simon & Schuster.
7. Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211
8. Zhu, X., Gong, Y., Xu, T., Lian, W., Xu, S., & Fan, L. (2023). Incongruent gestures slow the processing of facial expressions in university students with social anxiety. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1199537.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1199537
9. Mottron, L., Dawson, M., Soulières, I., Hubert, B., &Burack, J. (2006). Enhanced perceptual functioning in autism: an update, and eight principles of autistic perception. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 36, 27–43.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-005-0040-7
10. Fleischhauer, M., Enge, S., Brocke, B., Ullrich, J., Strobel, A., & Strobel, A. (2010). Same or different? Clarifying the relationship of need for cognition to personality and intelligence. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(1), 82–96.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209351886
11. Carpendale, J. I., & Lewis, C. (2004). Constructing an understanding of mind: the development of children’s social understanding within social interaction. The Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 27(1), 79–151.
https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x04000032
12. Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293.
https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966
