In today’s dating landscape, online dating is everywhere. One place you don’t want it? Your relationship. I mean, if he likes you, why is he still online dating?
What’s he playing at?
Key Takeaways
- Online dating can provide a quick boost to one’s ego through matches and interactions.
- Some individuals use online dating as a way to avoid commitment or intimacy.
- Browsing dating apps can cure boredom for people used to swiping every night.
- Misaligned expectations about dating and labels can lead to confusion, especially when it comes to online dating.
If He Likes Me, Why Is He Still Online Dating?
Here are a few reasons he might still be online dating despite his interest in you:
Table of Contents
1. He’s afraid of commitment
Some dudes are terrified of commitment. Leslie Parrott, author of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, explains that commitment is scary for many because it represents the loss of freedom and the potential for vulnerability.[1]
He truly has a great time in your company and honestly likes you a lot, but the idea of nailing things down freaks him out, and rather than trying to push his way through that fear, he keeps swiping because it keeps him from having to make an actual decision.
2. He’s emotionally unavailable
According to research published in Social Behavior Research and Practice, a person is emotionally unavailable when “the inability to recognize, categorize, and be conscious of one’s feelings frequently prevents expression and the growth of a strong emotional bond.”[2]
Authors Khanna et al. write that this weakness often stems from a lack of “emotional literacy,” probably a holdover from an emotionally unavailable parent.
In reality, emotional unavailability can be subtle or dramatic, depending on the couple in question. In extreme cases, emotional unavailability often causes individuals to remain half-in, half-out of relationships.
In your guy’s case, he may like you a lot, but he probably uses dating apps to distract himself or buy some time as he avoids intimacy and facing his feelings.
3. He needs the ego boost
People love to be reassured of their value. It’s addictive, in a way. Research on dopamine finds that people can get addicted to the dopamine high from many rewards, including the “reward of satisfying their ego.”[3]
And with the way the world is lately, online dating can deliver a necessary, low-effort, and immediate hit of dopamine. A few matches or flirtatious messages and boom, instant ego boost. Even logging in without matches or messages can mimic the feeling one gets from them. Remember Pavlov and his dogs?
Feel the dopamine flow.
Researchers Finkel et al. report that online dating provides “unprecedented levels of access” to potential matches, which means almost limitless opportunities for your guy to boost his ego.[4] He may like you a lot, but giving that up will take more than “like.”
4. He’s curious or bored
Humans are naturally curious. He may just be nosing around to see who else is there without considering what that says about his relationship with you. The same goes for boredom.
Research shows that boredom arises from “unused cognitive potential,” signaling a need for more engaging tasks.[5]
Who hasn’t cycled through all their apps during a five-minute break from work? I literally just did. It’s like browsing an online store when you need nothing at all — maybe you’re just looking for amusement even when you have all you need.
5. He’s succumbing to peer pressure
Is your guy a bro? He may have zero interest in continuing to date but his homies are all out there, swiping around and cracking up over who matches with them, screenshotting cringey or sexy messages.
This one is less likely to be the reason if your man is a bit of a loner, always focusing on work or family, and doesn’t have a squad of mates to tell him what’s cool. But if he spends his nights and weekends with his fantasy football crew, this could be the case.
If all his buddies are in the dating game, he might be online to fit in, even if he’s into you. Silly, but true.
6. You have different definitions of dating
In this day and age, who even knows what the parameters of dating are. There’s matching, there’s talking, there’s dating, there’s cohabitating. He may think you’re just talking, not dating. While you’re over here looking at china patterns.
So while you’re all in, he still may see dating as just a fun thing to do. No wonder it feels like you two are on different pages. Some people just have different ideas of what dating is and isn’t. To you, it means building something solid, and to him, it’s a light-hearted game with no rules.
7. He’s keeping you as a placeholder
This can be tough to admit, but there’s a chance he’s not fully invested. He likes you, sure — enjoys your company, laughs at your jokes, and spends time with you, but only until something “better” comes along.
It’s like someone who loves their current phone but still scrolls through tech blogs for the latest model. You’re great, but in his mind, there’s always the possibility of someone who fits his ideal even more.
Essentially, he’s playing you.
Why Do Guys Go on Dating Sites When They’re Already Attached to Someone?
Some men fall back into the sticky web of online dating, even when they are attached to someone they care about. Understanding why this happens will help you overcome any feelings of betrayal or confusion.
The thrill of new connections
Meeting someone new is exciting. Similar to the thrill you get from roller coasters or the latest gadgets. He might be into you, but the novelty of these fresh interactions will draw him right back to the dating scene, like an addict.
Some people have a wiring that craves novelty and they get easily bored. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s looking for a replacement; he’s just looking for the next adrenaline from swiping.
This is a recipe for future infidelity if you ask me.
Testing the waters
Some guys like to keep their options open just in case. He is probably still in the thinking area of what he wants. For this reason, he keeps in touch with other women just “to test the waters” to see if someone better is out there.
Lots of people use multiple dating apps simultaneously to keep their options open. So, while you think he is committed, he is still actively considering other options.
This guy who’s got one foot out the door isn’t looking for a relationship, he’s looking for a good time.
Insecurity about the relationship
If he’s feeling insecure about the terms of your relationship, he might just find that little extra-needed reassurance on dating apps.
Research in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking suggests that individuals with attachment anxiety are more likely to use dating apps for various motives, including seeking reassurance.[6]
In other words, he’s not looking to replace you; he’s looking to feel better about himself because he’s unsure how secure your relationship is.
In such a case, it might be a good idea to introduce the idea of defining the relationship. A DTR talk and relationship label confirms to him that you’re in this for the long haul. It might just help him see that he doesn’t need the apps anymore. Maybe you can both ceremoniously delete your online dating profiles.
He doesn’t understand relationship boundaries
Finally, he may be simply clueless when it comes to what’s acceptable while dating someone. Some guys don’t quite understand what crosses a line regarding online behavior.
According to renowned relationship and sex therapist Esther Perel, understanding boundaries is part of the fundamentals of any relationship.[7] However, unless he thinks things are serious enough with you yet, he may not see his online behavior as any kind of betrayal of your trust. He may think he’s playing by the rules, just different rules than you are playing by.
The first step is to have a conversation with him about your expectations, his expectations, and where they meet up with your boundaries. Hopefully, you can find some common ground.
What Does Dating Mean to a Guy?
For many men, dating is a mix of emotions, goals, and how serious they are about the relationship, and the intricacies of how men approach dating hasn’t changed much with the times.
Chris Haywood’s 2018 book Men, Masculinity and Contemporary Dating explains that “traditional patterns of gendered behaviour still persist” because they “enable men to live up to and negotiate cultural expectations.” So for the majority of men, they still see the need to initiate, plan, and pay for dates.”[8]
As this outlook doesn’t necessarily match with societal progression, for many men dating in the 21st century is like fitting a square peg into a round hole. This incongruence may explain the difficult transition from online dating to serious relationships.
Those who successfully date enjoy expanding their social networks and developing their emotional intelligence. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a fancy dinner date or a casual cup of coffee, this social expansion helps them navigate the frontier of modern dating.
At the very least, they might learn how to pronounce “quinoa” correctly.
Also, beneath all those macho impressions, guys do it for the feels.
Research from Dr. Robert Sternberg, a psychologist known for his “triangular theory of love,” suggests that men, like women, are ultimately seeking a balance of passion, intimacy, and commitment, even in casual dating scenarios, even if the ratios are different for men than for women.[9]
As much as they want to find someone they’re attracted to, who laughs at their jokes, who looks good on their arm, they really want someone with whom they can share their innermost thoughts, no matter what traditional expectations say.
Sometimes, dating is also just about having a good time. Casual dating allows men to explore the different dynamics of a relationship without the stress of a long-term commitment. Ultimately, dating can be both a social and emotional journey for men, offering opportunities for growth, self-discovery, and connection.
How to Find Out if Someone Is on a Dating Site
If doubt lingers in your head, here are a few suggestions to get to the bottom of it discreetly:
Observe his behavior.
Observe the frequency of his phone use. If he’s cagey when you ask him what’s making him smile at his phone, that’s not a good sign.
Ask him.
No games. Straight-up ask him if he’s still on the apps. If he says yes, ask him why, and calmly tell him you’d like to know if he’s all-in on your relationship.
Observe his social media activities.
While one should not resort to invading privacy, looking at his public posts and stories on social media could reveal something about his current interests and associations.
Insights from mutual friends
If you have mutual friends, you could casually ask them about his dating habits without making it seem like you’re directly implicating your concerns. Try to bring it up slyly. Try, “I wonder if he’s still on dating apps since we got together.” Maybe they’re feeling chatty.
Trust your instincts
Your intuition is usually your best friend. If there’s something not feeling right, or if something in his behavior seems inconsistent, trust those feelings and discuss them straightforwardly when appropriate.
Conclusion
Modern romance can be complex, leaving even the most confident women feeling vulnerable. If his behavior leaves you muttering under your breath, “If he likes me, why is he still online dating?” remember that everyone has their reasons.
However, if something feels off, don’t hesitate to address it directly. Honesty is the best policy.
For more information about getting into a relationship, simply follow the link!
FAQs
What attracts men to online dating?
What attracts men to online dating is emotional ambiguity. Ego boosts from matches, curiosity, and peer pressure, as well as a desire for novelty and exploration, make dating apps appealing.
Is online dating considered cheating?
Online dating is usually considered cheating, but it really depends on the couple and the people involved. If there is emotional intimacy or secretive interactions involved, many people would consider that a breach of trust within an existing relationship.
Does online dating count as a real relationship?
Online dating counts as a real relationship, but it often depends on mutual understanding and commitment. It’s not the setting of the relationship that defines it but the feelings involved.
References
- Parrott, L. (2001). Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before — and after — you marry. Zondervan. ↩︎
- Khanna, N. (2023). Impact of emotional unavailability on the happiness level of Indian couples and the happiness pie chart as a tool towards resolution: Qualitative analysis of case studies. Social Behavior Research and Practice, 8(1), 1–7.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Dr-Khanna-3/publication/371767580_Impact_of_Emotional_Unavailability_on_the_Happiness_Level_of_Indian_Couples_and_the_Happiness_Pie_Chart_as_a_Tool_Towards_Resolution_Qualitative_Analysis_of_Case_Studies/links/652f72e9b5c77c79f9c4110b/ ↩︎ - Sayin, H. U. (2019). Getting high on dopamine: Neuro scientific aspects of pleasure. SexuS Journal, 4, 883–906.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Umit-Sayin/publication/333617480_Sayin_HU_Pleasure-High-on-Dopamine_A_Multidisciplinary_Academic_Journal_Published_Quarterly_by_CISEATED-ASEHERT_www_SAYIN_HU_Getting_High_on_Dopamine_Pleasure_SexuS_Journal_4_11_883-906_MARCH_Part-1_G/links/5cf732ef299bf1fb18597e6c/ ↩︎ - Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3–66.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1529100612436522 ↩︎ - Eastwood, J. D., & Gorelik, D. (2019). Boredom is a feeling of thinking and a double-edged sword. In J. R. Velasco, (Ed.), Boredom is in your mind (pp. 55–70). Springer.
https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-26395-9_4 ↩︎ - Timmermans, E., & Alexopoulos, C. (2020). Anxiously searching for love (among other things): attachment orientation and mobile dating application users’ motives and outcomes. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 23(7), 447–452.
https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2019.0542 ↩︎ - Perel, E., & Rappaport D. A. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. HarperCollins Publishers. ↩︎
- Haywood, C. (2018). Men, masculinity and contemporary dating. Springer. ↩︎
- Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135. ↩︎