Being in a Relationship

How Commitment Issues Play Out: Can You Tackle Them?

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Shanna’s heart lit up when she met Jeremy. She thought they’d be together forever. 

But now they seem to have hit a wall. Just when leveling up the relationship looked like the next step, they took two steps back instead. Now she’s wondering why. 

Table of Contents

What’s next for Shanna and Jeremy?


What Is Fear of Commitment?

Fear of commitment is like having one foot on the brake and the other on the gas. It’s wanting the benefits of a relationship but not necessarily everything that comes along with it. 

Maybe Jeremy insists on keeping it “casual” because deep down he’s not ready to officially commit. It’s not that he doesn’t care; he’s simply overwhelmed by the idea of fully diving in.

Some people unwilling to commit even sabotage the relationship when things start getting serious. Shanna might be pulling away or starting quarrels just as things are getting more serious as a defense mechanism to protect herself from rejection or intimacy. 

Some signs, however, are a bit more subtle:

  • Hesitating to “label” the relationship
  • Avoiding long-term plans
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Separate social lives 
  • Dating other people

Before throwing in the towel, Shanna and Jeremy need to figure out the reason behind their commitment issues. Is it him? Is it her? How can she tell?

Expert insight: A study of long-term couples in asymmetrically committed relationships (ACR) suggests that a higher number of prior sexual partners increases the likelihood of being in an ACR. Interestingly, having cohabited with a greater number of partners increases the likelihood of being the less committed partner. Researchers aren’t sure why that is.[1]


Causes of Commitment Issues

Sitting in her favorite coffee shop, Shanna scrolls through her text messages with Jeremy. Their last conversation, where she brought up meeting his family, ended with his classic, “Let’s just see where things go.” 

As she sips her latte, she remembers something Jeremy once mentioned about his parents’ messy divorce — maybe that’s why moving forward feels so frightening for him.

The truth is, commitment issues rarely appear out of nowhere. They’re often deeply rooted in our past experiences and personal struggles:

As Shanna puts down her phone, she realizes something — perhaps Jeremy isn’t the only one with walls up. Her own past seems to be casting shadows on their future. But what can they do about it? Is there a way to break down these barriers without breaking their hearts in the process?

Did you know? Commitment in the form of marriage is falling harder than a TikTok trend. US Census results show that the percentage of women who are married has steadily declined from almost 70% in 1960 to 50% today.[2]


Dealing With a Lack of Commitment

Brush fear of commitment under the rug and watch your romance fizzle out faster than a New Year’s resolution in February. To prevent this from happening to her, Shanna needs to figure out if it’s her that’s causing the impasse or if Jeremy’s the one who can’t commit.

If the lack of commitment is coming from your partner 

Back at her apartment, Shanna’s mind wanders to all the signs she’s been trying to ignore. Jeremy’s vague “We’ll see” when she mentioned weekend plans for next month. The way he introduced her as “my friend Shanna” at his office party. How he smoothly changes the subject whenever she brings up moving in together. Is she being played?

When your partner shows signs of commitment issues, here’s how to address it:

  • Open a dialogue without accusations. Frame the conversation around understanding rather than blame. “I’ve noticed you seem hesitant when we talk about our future. I’d love to understand what’s on your mind.”
  • Look for patterns, not incidents. One cancelled plan doesn’t mean commitment issues. But when Jeremy consistently avoids future planning or deflects relationship discussions, that’s a pattern worth addressing.
  • Set clear expectations. Decide what level of commitment will help you feel secure. Are you looking for exclusivity? Meeting family? Moving in together? Be specific about your needs and what you expect out of the relationship.

Did you know? Commitment grows the more a person has invested in a relationship. An investment could be any resource one could lose or damage if the relationship were to end, including feelings, money, friend group, etc. People slow to commit may take these investments more seriously and proceed with more caution than others.[3]

If you’re the one struggling with commitment

As the days pass, Shanna starts noticing something unsettling. Maybe Jeremy isn’t the only one hitting the brakes. Every time he mentions meeting her parents, she feels like she’s about to take an exam she didn’t study for.

If you recognize yourself in this story, here’s how to address your commitment fears:

Identify what it is about relationships that scare you.

  • Losing your independence?
  • Getting hurt?
  • Repeating past relationship patterns?
  • Making the wrong choice?
  • Having to listen to someone chew all the time?

Related: 14 Reasons You Have a Fear of Love: Dissecting Your Relationship Phobia

Take incremental steps.

  • Leave a toothbrush at their place.
  • Plan a day or weekend trip two months out.
  • Meet the best friend instead of the parents.

Each small step builds trust in yourself and the relationship.

Expert insight: According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, “Women daters are significantly more likely than men to be exclusively seeking a committed relationship (36% . . . compared with 22% of men).”[4] 


Your Next Steps

It’s a month later, and Shanna sits in her favorite coffee shop, this time with clarity rather than confusion. She’s learned that commitment isn’t about losing yourself — it’s about choosing to grow together. Whether it’s her hesitation or Jeremy’s, staying in limbo isn’t the answer.

If your partner’s the one with cold feet:

  • Try some connection exercises. Our couples’ therapy exercises provide perfect opportunities to connect and grow as a couple without too much pressure.
  • Draft a “relationship vision board.” Not just about where you want the relationship to go, but what specific steps would make you feel more secure right now. Could be a weekly date night, key to each other’s places, or meeting each other’s closest friends.
  • Decide how long you’re willing to wait for change. Mark a date on your calendar three months from now to reassess if you’re seeing progress. Waiting indefinitely in relationship limbo isn’t a strategy.

If you’re the one holding back:

  • Book a solo therapy session. Look for therapists who specialize in attachment styles and relationship anxiety. Many now offer virtual sessions that fit into busy schedules.
  • Start a “commitment journal.” Each time you hear alarm bells ringing in your head (like when Jeremy mentions meeting Shanna’s parents), write it out in your journal:
    • What triggered the fear?
    • What’s the worst thing that could happen?
    • What’s the best thing that could happen?
    • What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
  • Choose one small risk to take. Give Jeremy a drawer in your apartment, share your Netflix password, or introduce him to your closest friend. Pick something that stretches your comfort zone but doesn’t break it.

Shanna pulls out her phone and types a message to Jeremy: “I’d like us to talk about where we’re headed. Really talk this time. No ‘maybes,’ no ‘somedays.’ Just honest conversation about what we both want and need. Coffee tomorrow?”

She hits send, knowing that whatever happens next, she’s made the right choice. Because Shanna knows that sometimes love means facing your fears. Sometimes it means walking away. But it always means choosing growth over stagnation.

Whichever direction this path leads you, we’re here to help. Our guides to being in a relationship can help you navigate other relationship challenges as you meet them. 

If you’ve read this article and decided the commitment issues that led you here are too big a hurdle, remember that breakups don’t have to be messy. Have a look at our guides to ending a relationship for more on “conscious uncoupling.”


FAQs

What type of people have commitment issues?

There is no single “type of people” who have commitment issues. Anyone can harbor feelings of vulnerability or fear getting hurt. People with commitment issues might have experienced past betrayals, relationship trauma, or unrequited love. Additionally, those who fiercely value their independence might find it challenging to commit to others.

How do you make someone with commitment issues fall in love?

You can’t make someone with commitment issues fall in love, but you can inspire them to fall in love by treating them delicately. It’s all about building trust and showing them that love doesn’t have to mean losing oneself or getting hurt. Be patient and consistent and demonstrate through your actions and words that you’re reliable and understanding. 

What are signs of commitment in a relationship?

Signs of commitment in a relationship include consistent effort to prioritize each other, such as making time for one another despite busy schedules. Open and honest communication is another key indicator of a healthy, committed relationship because committed partners are willing to discuss challenges and work through them together.


References

1. Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Kelmer, G., Scott, S. B., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2019). Unequally into “us”: Characteristics of individuals in asymmetrically committed relationships. Family Process, 58(1), 214–231.
https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12397

2. US Census Bureau. (2024, November 13). Historical marital status. Census.gov.
https://www.census.gov/library/visualizations/time-series/demo/marital-historical-time-series.html

3. Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, formation, and the securing of romantic attachment. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2(4), 243–257.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x

4. Pew Research Center. (2020). Nearly half of U.S. adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years.
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/


Author

  • Stanley Grey’s 20+ years of marriage and grown kids have taught him a lot about emotional intelligence. A retired member of the military, he now spends his time brewing beer and riding his bike—when he’s not writing, of course.

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