If you think you might have an emotionally unavailable man on your hands, I feel you.
Unfortunately, this is a common theme in many relationships today.
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The good news is that it’s easy to spot the signs of emotional unavailability.
What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?
Emotional unavailability (EU) is an unwillingness or inability to connect with others on an emotional level.
Dr. Charlynn Ruan, a clinical psychologist and author of What It Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable, says, “An emotionally unavailable person cannot or will not consistently connect with another person through deep conversation, showing or being receptive to another person showing emotions.”[1]
An emotionally unavailable guy may have difficulty opening up about his thoughts, feelings, and even intentions.
He may also have a hard time when you show emotions. This causes relationship stress because emotional support is one of the biggest things most women want from a partner.
This doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, though. Being good with emotions is like exercising or learning an instrument. With practice and dedication, your guy can improve.
Signs of Emotional Unavailability
You want to catch the signs of EU early so you can decide whether staying or bouncing is the right choice for you.
1. His communication skills suck
Okay, a lot of us could use work in this department. However, chronically bad communication skills are a red flag of an aloof man with poorly developed emotional intelligence. Any rational man (who genuinely cares about you) will recognize his poor communication skills as a shortcoming. More importantly, he’ll want to improve them.
And he’d better. Communication is nonnegotiable for a healthy relationship.
In fact, a study published by Frontiers in Psychology revealed that relationship satisfaction is based on the capability of couples to communicate clearly and effectively about the details (good and bad) in their lives.[2]
De Netto et al. write, “The way an individual responds during couple conflicts and toward disclosure of good news by a partner has been linked to relationship satisfaction and stability.”
So, good, bad, or indifferent, communication is key. Clearly communicating happiness and excitement for your spouse creates a better relationship dynamic for both of you!
2. You feel alone in the relationship
Dating a man who is emotionally unavailable can make you feel like you’re the only one in the relationship. If you feel unseen and unheard, find yourself going to others for support, or notice that your relationship has become lopsided, with you putting in all the effort, it could be a sign that he is emotionally unavailable.
Relationships require more than just physical presence; emotional presence is also a necessity.
So, if the lights are on but nobody’s home, you might feel like a castaway in your own relationship. An intimate relationship with a significant other is one of our most primal motivations. Studies show that humans have an innate desire to form attachments and bonds with others.
Psychologists Baumeister and Leary report, “Belongingness appears to have multiple and strong effects on emotional patterns and on cognitive processes. Lack of attachments is linked to a variety of ill effects on health, adjustment, and well-being.”[3]
When it comes to building attachments, his EU may be a question-of-the chicken-or-the-egg situation. Whatever the cause, his EU — and the loneliness it creates — might be affecting how you see yourself.
3. He struggles to empathize
Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is the hallmark of empathy and understanding. It creates connection and rapport, crucial elements in a relationship that should never be overlooked or ignored.
For this reason, if you notice he struggles to empathize with and understand you, he may be emotionally unavailable.
A 2016 study by researchers with Ghent University in Belgium revealed that emotional responses come from an altruistic place.[4] Authors Verhofstadt et al. conclude that “the stronger the feelings of compassion for the other person, the greater the motivation to reduce his/her distress.”
That’s not to say your boyfriend or husband is an emotionless zombie. Some people just process empathy differently. Try explaining to him that sometimes you just want him to listen. Being a safe space for you to vent is a good tool he can use to become more emotionally available.
4. He avoids intimacy
Intimacy, in the context of a romantic relationship, is emotional and physical closeness working together. It requires vulnerability and sensitivity from both partners.
Examples of intimacy include hand-holding, kissing, sharing personal stories, trying new activities together, planning future goals, having silly inside jokes, discussing fears, or even starting traditions like Sunday breakfasts or weekend hikes.
A guy who is emotionally unavailable won’t have much interest in these sorts of things. And that should sound some warning bells in your head because these intimate acts are the glue that binds your relationship together.
According to an article published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, emotional and physical aspects of romantic relationships correlate to overall relationship satisfaction.[5] The study gathered 335 couples and assessed things like communication, sexual satisfaction, and emotional intimacy.
Authors Yoo et al. reveal that emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction together improved how spouses graded each other’s communication skills and, as a result, improved their overall relationship satisfaction.
With such high stakes, it’s no wonder that emotionally unavailable men are unable to achieve intimacy.
5. He has a fear of commitment
Fear of commitment is another fly in the ointment that can cause him to become emotionally unavailable. He may not want to give up his glamorous bachelor lifestyle.
Don’t get me wrong; everyone has had their “dating spree” periods. And those experiences are actually pretty important.
Either way, it’s not good news for you. Depth is the hallmark of an intimate relationship.
6. The relationship isn’t growing
Dating relationships tend to progress naturally from talking, then dating, then eventually evolving into a committed relationship.
It starts with casual coffee dates, progresses to nightcaps at your or his place, and continues for a couple of months until exclusivity is brought up. This is the natural progression. So, if you’ve gotten stuck in the “after-hours nightcaps” stage, the relationship will stagnate and never reach the next level.
The culprit for these dating doldrums may be emotional unavailability. If he doesn’t feel a need to define the relationship, he’s resting on his emotionally unavailable laurels.
7. He has unrealistic expectations of women
These guys are out here. They want every woman to look like Sydney Sweeney, live like Jennifer Garner, and love like Taylor Swift.
If you notice the guy you’re dating is overly nit-picky and critical, you may have found one of them. These types of dudes are looking for the “perfect woman,” the mythical, high-value woman, not the real deal. Obviously, this leads to unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations about how a woman should be, act, and show up.
These guys are completely detached from reality and are pretty emotionally unavailable as a result.
What Causes Someone to Be Emotionally Unavailable?
For some people, poor emotional intelligence may come from their attachment style, usually an avoidant attachment style, while for others, it could be unresolved trauma.
Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents
Parents set the stage for how their children will play out in their own lives. Children of emotionally immature caregivers may grow up to be entirely self-sufficient and independent but at the expense of their emotional intelligence.[6]
Heartbreak from a previous relationship
Breakups are the worst. If a guy rushes into a new relationship before processing how the last one ended, you may find he’s quite emotionally stunted.
When it comes to breakups, “successful coping requires understanding why the relationship ended and ultimately letting go of the relationship.” How long the relationships lasted and how intense the breakup was will also make it difficult to adjust to the new normal.[7]
The lucky thing about this type of EU is that it won’t be that hard to undo, unlike behavior learned as a child.
You’ll have to practice infinite patience with this one. If you really like the guy, he’ll be worth the wait. Take it slow and try not to rush things. He’ll come around when he’s ready to take that next step.
Fear
Fear is a big offender for many people. It’s understandable. A guy with emotionally unavailable tendencies could be wrestling with all kinds of fears. Here are some examples:
- Fear that he’s not enough: Many guys have a deep-seated fear of not being good enough for the women they desire.
- Fear that he won’t be loved: Maybe he has some hang-ups from previous relationships where he felt unloved and unwanted. That could easily be a reason for his emotional unavailability.
- Fear of rejection: Deep down, he may just not want to have to go through the wringer again and face another possible rejection.
- Fear of commitment: A commitment can weigh a guy down as it paints a more serious picture of a once fun and casual relationship.
- Fear of intimacy: Many guys fear intimacy because the feeling of love freaks them out. It makes them uncomfortable to be that exposed.
These types of fears could all contribute to your guy’s emotional unavailability. The key with all of this is to practice infinite patience by letting him come to you at his own pace.
Mental disorders
If someone struggles with anxiety, depression, OCD, or other mental health challenges, it could contribute to emotional unavailability.
Often, a difficult childhood or upbringing can result in unresolved mental or psychological issues that make it challenging to give and receive love as an adult. For this reason, a traumatic or abusive upbringing could impact someone’s ability to connect emotionally with another person.
Again, you’ll have to be patient and work with him to help unpack some of that baggage. This is where therapy or couples counseling can be really helpful.
Narcissistic tendencies
Emotional unavailability may be the result of narcissistic tendencies. Now, narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical mental health condition and we are not doctors. However, the signs of a narcissist are pretty clear.
The narcissist is someone with an inflated sense of self-importance. They walk around with an entitled air of “confidence.” And while it might seem like a genuine display of self-assuredness at first, it only takes about five minutes with these showmen for their smugness and arrogance to come through.
They are also deeply insecure and “generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve.”[8] Men like this are emotionally unavailable because their emotions stop where other people begin.
How to Cope With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
Even if your man is emotionally unavailable, deciding to take a break from the relationship or completely end things is easier said than done.
After all, he may have many positive traits that might make the relationship worth salvaging. With this in mind, you’re probably wondering how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.
Here are a couple of simple suggestions to consider.
Recognize and acknowledge the signs
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, guess what? It’s a duck.
You have to recognize the situation for what it is. By bringing his EU to the surface, you can work with him to improve — if he’s open and willing to change. But none of this is possible if you sweep his behavior and your feelings underneath the rug.
That will only create resentment over time.
Approach with empathy
You have to be tactful when approaching this situation, and that means using empathy. Empathy means putting yourself in his position and trying to understand how you would feel if you were in his shoes.
Reverse the roles for a moment and think about how you would want someone to approach you in this circumstance.
Most guys who are emotionally unavailable are probably not even aware of it. So, if you come at it the wrong way, he can easily take it as a personal attack and become defensive as a result.
Support him on his journey
A relationship is all about two people growing together. So, supporting him on his journey as he works to build his emotional intelligence can be invaluable, not just for him but also for your relationship.
Here are a few simple ideas to think about:
- Encourage his emotions: He’s become accustomed to stifling his feelings. Let him know you want to see all of him, even the emotional bits
- Create a safe space: Judgment and criticism will cause him to put his guard back up. Instead, create a judgment-free zone where he feels safe to express himself.
- Respect his boundaries: It can be tempting to push for some kind of breakthrough. Don’t do it. Be patient with him and respect his boundaries.
Read more about what boundaries are and how to maintain them.
Keep the lines of communication open
You have to be able to speak openly and honestly about what you need in order for him to understand your needs and accommodate them. This kind of open communication will create a solid foundation from which you can build.
Seek professional help
Whether for your partner, yourself, or both of you, therapy or counseling can work wonders to help relationships thrive in the face of emotional unavailability. A therapist can work with you or your partner to develop coping mechanisms and pull those emotions out from where they’ve been hiding.
How to Know If You’re Emotionally Unavailable
We tend to see in others what we don’t want to see in ourselves.
But the truth is that you may also be harboring some emotionally unavailable tendencies. This doesn’t make you a bad person. However, it’s worth exploring and seeing what you can unpack and heal in yourself. This process will have a ripple effect on your relationships — romantic and otherwise.
Some signs that you may be emotionally unavailable include:
- Blaming others for problems rather than accepting personal responsibility
- Difficulty trusting people (even when the suspicion is unwarranted)
- Rarely talking about issues or hurt feelings in your relationships
- Constantly backing out of commitments you’ve made
- Attracting other emotionally unavailable partners
- Dodging any type of “relationship” talk
- Physically present but emotionally distant
How to Become Emotionally Available
Emotional availability is a prerequisite for a fulfilling, intimate relationship. Here are a couple of ways you can practice feeling and expressing your emotions and welcoming those of others.
Challenge your fears around vulnerability
A major reason why you may struggle to become emotionally available is fear of being hurt.
This causes you to close off and become more reserved. If you want to become emotionally available in your relationships, it starts with challenging your fears around vulnerability.
Here are a few ways to do that:
- Voice your wants, needs, and desires in your relationship
- Lean into challenging conversations that need to be discussed
- Love and accept yourself as you are (warts and all)
- Learn to embrace the discomfort
- Be honest about your fears and insecurities
Explore healing strategies
Emotional unavailability is a mental roadblock. While it may be a good idea to seek the help of a professional if it’s severe enough, there are things you can do on your own or with your partner.
Introduce a few healing strategies and mindfulness practices into your life. You could explore meditation, boundary setting, journaling, or even hiking to open yourself up to your feelings and emotions.
Explore your options and see what sticks.
Seek professional support
If you feel it’s necessary or that you could benefit from therapy, go for it. Research proves that regular therapy sessions help reduce chaotic brain activity to normal levels, which can improve depression and other mental health issues.[9]
As a result, therapy, counseling, or some type of professional guidance could be the right move to becoming more emotionally available.
Conclusion
Steering a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man can be challenging.
But with the proper tips and suggestions, it can work, provided he’s open to growth and change. So, practice patience and be aware of how being with this type of individual will affect your relationship life.
For more information about being in a relationship, check out the link.
FAQs
What makes men emotionally unavailable?
Men can become emotionally unavailable due to past relationships or heartbreak, an upbringing in which emotions were suppressed, or even a simple lack of emotional intelligence. In extreme cases, emotional unavailability can be caused by trauma or a mental health condition.
How does an emotionally unavailable person act?
An emotionally unavailable person may act aloof or closed off. They won’t communicate their feelings and they may come off as unempathetic. Intimacy is difficult for the emotionally unavailable person to achieve.
Do emotionally unavailable people fall in love?
Yes, emotionally unavailable people fall in love. However, it’s important to know that relationships with these individuals will be harder and take more effort to maintain. This is due to their aloof demeanor and unlikeliness to express or accept emotions.
Is being emotionally unavailable a red flag?
Yes, being emotionally unavailable is a red flag. It can lead to other problems, such as a lack of commitment or intimacy. People in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person may feel lonely and unfulfilled, and the relationship may progress slower than it would with an emotionally intelligent person.
References
1. Williams, L. (2023). What it means to be emotionally unavailable — and what to do if it’s affecting your relationship. Everyday Health.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/are-you-love-with-emotionally-unavailable-man
2. De Netto, P. M., Quek, K. F., & Golden, K. J. (2021). Communication, the heart of a relationship: Examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 767908.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908
3. Baumeister, R., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychology Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
4. Verhofstadt, L., Devoldre, I., Buysse, A., Stevens, M., Hinnekens, C., Ickes, W., Davis, M. (2016). The role of cognitive and affective empathy in spouses’ support interactions: An observational study. PLoS One, 11(2), e0149944.
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0149944
5. Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2013). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293.
https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
6. Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger Publications.
7. Belu, C. F., Lee, B. H., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2016). It hurts to let you go: Characteristics of romantic relationships, breakups and the aftermath among emerging adults. Journal of Relationships Research, 7, e11.
https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2016.11
8. Narcissistic personality disorder. (2023). Mayo Clinic.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
9. Wiswede, D., Taubner, S., Buchheim, A., Münte, T., Stasch, M., Cierpka, M., Kächele, H., Roth, G., Erhard, P., Kessler, H. (2014). Tracking functional brain changes in patients with depression under psychodynamic psychotherapy using individualized stimuli. PLoS One, 9(10), e109037.
https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0109037
