Something feels off in your relationship. The fights are getting worse, the silences longer, and that pit in your stomach grows deeper each day. When the bad starts outweighing the good, it’s time for honest reflection. Or, deep down, do you already have your answer?
Key Takeaways
- Frequent communication breakdowns and emotional withdrawal signal a failing relationship.
- Diminished intimacy often reveals deeper relationship problems.
- Ongoing unresolved conflicts damage the foundation of trust and respect.
- Each of these problems and more can be tackled with hard work, but all of them at once make the work even harder.
1. You don’t feel physical intimacy and affection.
Whenever my friends share with me this one confession, I can predict with 99% accuracy that their relationship story is coming to an end.
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“Milena, we haven’t been intimate in six months. . . .”
You see, it’s never just about physical intimacy — it’s what that distance really means. Ask yourself: Is he my best friend? Do I actually like him? When something amazing happens, is he the first person you want to tell?
If you’re shaking your head, you’ve lost more than physical touch — you’ve lost emotional intimacy.
If he feels more like a roommate than a lover, and you can’t imagine ever feeling that spark again, save yourself the pain by letting go before it gets worse.
But if your heart still skips when he smiles, there are things you can try:
- Read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It’ll transform how you think about desire and help you find your way back to each other.
- Cultivate your “self.” Individuality is your secret weapon against enmeshment. Join a salsa class or dedicate evenings to your creative projects. By investing in your own world, you naturally create a sense of absence — the less available you become to your partner, the more he sees you as a magnetic mystery worth (re)exploring.
2. You’re living more like roommates than partners.
The most dangerous relationship problem isn’t screaming fights or betrayal — it’s something far more subtle that most couples miss until it’s too late.
If you used to feel electricity when your hands brushed, but now you barely notice when he’s scrolling beside you, you may be affected by the “roommate syndrome.” It’s when a once-loving couple starts feeling more like a living arrangement than a relationship.
Even the greatest partnerships can start feeling a bit . . . stale. But if the highlight of your day together is debating takeout menus, you’re not just in a rut — you’re in trouble.
So, are you in or are you out?
If you’re leaning toward “out,” this could be helpful: When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner?
But if you feel what you have is worth fighting for (sometimes it really is), here’s how to rebuild that magnetic pull:
- Make him miss you. Take a solo trip or visit a long-distance friend. Being apart reminds you both of your value to each other and who you are on your own. Plus, the reunion will feel like early dating butterflies. More on that: 9 Ways to Make Him Miss You Like Crazy
- Apply the “6-hour rule.” Make sure to spend a minimum of six hours of quality time together per week. Turn off your phones, grab your favorite snacks, and make face time happen — your relationship will thank you.
- Invest in surprises.We take turns planning mystery dates. For example, I turned “grabbing dinner” into a night at his favorite jazz bar. Way better than the endless “What do you want to do?” loop.
Did you know? A little breathing room can actually bring you closer together. Science tells us something pretty interesting — spending time apart from your partner can actually spark up the magic again, making you notice all those little things you might’ve started taking for granted.[1]
3. Every conversation feels like a battle.
Think your relationship’s biggest enemy is lack of love? Think again. With my ex, it wasn’t the absence of love that killed us — it was the presence of something far more toxic.
Unresolved conflicts lie at the root of 53% of divorces.[2] When relationship ruptures go unrepaired, even “How was your day?” can feel like lighting a match in a room full of dynamite. You’re basically sitting on a powder keg of buried conflicts.
If you believe there’s still hope — that this is just a rough patch worth fixing — you can work toward fixing things.
Expert insight: According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s not the fights themselves that predict divorce — it’s how couples fight. When criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling become habits, they can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy.[3]
4. You feel alone, even when you’re together.
The most brutal loneliness isn’t found in empty rooms — it’s in the deafening silence beside someone who once filled your world. It’s when you catch yourself wishing he would disappear, daydreaming about being single again.
If this feels like your day-to-day life, I highly recommend this article: 9 Ways to Overcome Feeling Alone in a Relationship.
Expert insight: Ever heard of the “bird test?” Point out a bird to your partner and notice his reaction. Does he engage and ask questions, or just ignore your enthusiasm? The Gottman Institute calls these moments “bids for connection” — and whether partners “turn toward” or “turn away” from these daily attempts to connect can predict your relationship’s success.[4]
5. The idea of a future together fills you with dread.
My friend’s coach asked her one simple question after reading her five-year life plan that made her whole world shift: “I see your plans and goals . . . but your boyfriend — is he not in the picture?”
What’s in your five-year vision? Does the idea of him being there make you light up with excitement or make you sag with quiet resignation?
If your answer is no, and you believe your dreams could still intertwine, here’s how to start rebuilding that shared vision:
- Revisit your values. Write down your nonnegotiables, deepest wishes, and deal-breakers. Then discuss them together and try to find a new common ground.
- Create a relationship vision board. Grab some magazines and map out your dreams — both individual and shared. Creating a relationship vision will help you reconnect.
- Attend couples therapy. Sometimes untangling complex emotions needs an expert hand. A couples therapist can help you realign your paths.
6. You’re more interested in fantasy than reality.
There’s a fine line between a passing thought and an emotional escape route, but how would you know if you’ve crossed it?
There’s no shame in fantasizing about the hot barista who remembers your coffee order. It’s human nature to wonder “what if.” But when those daydreams become your daily escape from reality, something vital is missing at home.
If you suspect that what’s missing is love, this guide may help you gain some clarity: Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs.
But when you’re ready to redirect those wandering thoughts back to your man, here’s how to start:
- When your mind wanders, ask yourself what you’re really craving. That daydream about the charming barista? Maybe it’s about feeling seen and appreciated again.
- Communicate. Instead of imagining someone else meeting your needs, tell your partner specifically what you’re missing. “I miss feeling desired” is more actionable than silent yearning.
- Chase dopamine together. Sign up for a dance class, plan a surprise weekend trip, or try something that scares you both a little. New experiences trigger the same dopamine rush you’re seeking in fantasies.
Did you know? If your mind keeps wandering, blame your brain chemistry. When we’re emotionally or physically unfulfilled at home, our brains start seeking satisfaction elsewhere. The good news is that understanding this hard-wired response is your first step to redirecting that energy back where it matters.[5]
7. You can’t remember the last time you were happy.
From my own observation, the most puzzling thing about relationships isn’t why they fall apart. It’s why couples choose to stay miserable together.
Be honest with yourself, if joy were measured in screenshots, how many moments with your partner would be worth saving from the past year?
If you don’t believe he could ever make you happy again, just leave him. Staying in an unhappy relationship literally makes you sick.
But if you think this is just a rough patch and want to reignite that spark, here’s how:
- Break your routine in unexpected ways. Movement sparks joy and releases endorphins — try salsa lessons, join a CrossFit cult (kidding, gym), or just dance in your kitchen together. Joy hides in spontaneity.
- Create a nostalgia treasure hunt. Turn your love story into clues — first date spot, first kiss corner, favorite shared places. Each discovery sparks memories, leading to a special finale — finding happiness again.
Did you know? Staying in an unhappy marriage is worse for your well-being than a divorce. It affects not just your happiness, but your physical health and self-esteem.[6]
8. You resent more than you love.
They say love is bittersweet, but nobody warns you about the moment sweetness turns to poison.
Those little cuts — missing your sister’s wedding, playing games while you cry in the next room, dismissing your dreams as unrealistic — they’re just cuts until they’re not. Until one day you realize your relationship has bled out through a thousand tiny wounds you never properly healed.
If these wounds feel too deep to heal, and the weight of past disappointments is crushing any hope for the future, this might help: How to Break Up With Someone: 7 Tips for a Compassionate Uncoupling
But if you believe these scars could still fade with proper care, here’s how to start healing: How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story, or if you’re married: How to Avoid Divorce and Save Your Marriage: A Deep Journey Back to Love and Connection
Expert insight: According to Dr. Terri Orbuch, “The Love Doctor,” resentment silently kills more relationships than conflict ever could. Her research shows that unresolved hurts create an emotional distance that becomes harder to bridge the longer we leave it unaddressed.[7]
9. You’ve stopped trying to resolve problems.
In my previous relationship, I used to think the worst part was our screaming matches. But then something scarier happened, and I knew it was over over.
When he’d leave his dishes in the sink again, I’d just shrug and mutter “whatever.” I stopped caring enough to fight. That quiet resignation hits different than anger.
If you’ve reached the point where apathy has replaced arguing, it might be time to cut your losses and break up.
But if that flame isn’t completely out, try home-based couples therapy exercises.
Did you know? By following 79 couples over a 14-year period, researchers observed that couples who stopped engaging entirely were more likely to split than those who kept fighting. Silence isn’t golden — it’s a relationship flatline.[8]
10. External stress is ruining your relationship.
What if what’s making you drift apart is not lack of love or lack of compatibility but the external enemy that we’re all fighting against?
Between impossible deadlines, kids, and society’s endless expectations (especially on women), stress is making you run on empty. It’s no wonder that by the time you get home, you’ve got nothing left to give. No energy for deep talks. No patience for intimacy.
If you want to break free from the stress spiral, and prioritize your relationship, here’s what to do:
- Say “no.” To extra projects, to PTA meetings, to anything that drains you. Your relationship needs that energy more. Read How to Balance Relationship and Work.
- Create stress-free zones. Make your bedroom a no-work sanctuary. Lock the phones away during dinner.
Self-care corner: Yes, we’ve all heard it — women can do it all. But should you? Meet your inner perfectionist. She’s the one pushing you to overperform. Sit with her and ask: Who are we trying to impress? What childhood patterns are we replaying? What you learn may very well change your life.
Your Next Steps
- Rebuild physical and emotional intimacy. Try: 50 Tough Relationship Questions to Strengthen Your Connection.
- Break the roommate pattern with 9 Ways to Make Him Miss You Like Crazy and How to Make Yourself More Attractive and Build Your Confidence.
- Heal deep resentment with How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story.
- Combat growing apart. Try 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship, and Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs
- Handle external stress with How to Balance Relationship and Work
- Consider moving on. Get clarity with When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner? or learn 7 tips for a compassionate uncoupling.
Conclusion
Relationships are hard. But staying in the wrong one is harder. Whether you choose to rebuild or say goodbye, this isn’t about failing. It’s about being brave enough to choose what’s right for you. Your love story deserves nothing less than authenticity.
For more guidance through the complex process of ending a relationship, follow the link.
FAQs
How long do relationships last on average?
Relationships, on average, last about 3.54 years. This data is based on a study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health self-reports from 1,345 participants, encompassing all of their past relationships, regardless of their age when those relationships began.
Who initiates breakups more?
Breakups are often initiated by women. In fact, according to a 2015 study by the American Sociological Association (ASA), around 70% of divorces are started by women. And among college-educated women, this number goes up to about 90%.
What’s the hardest year in a relationship?
The hardest years in a relationship fall at the beginning and the end. In the beginning, the relationship is new and fragile. When relationships end, partners often want different things, and extended fighting over these differences becomes exhausting.
When do you know a relationship is not right?
You know a relationship is not right when it becomes toxic. This means that partners no longer feel comfortable being vulnerable and open, and they stop sharing things with each other. These chasms can emerge from manipulative or controlling behavior, which usually come with warning signs early on. Sometimes, of course, you just don’t get on well.
References
1. Baxter, L. A. (1990). Dialectical contradictions in relationship development. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7(1), 69–88.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407590071004
2. Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X03254507
3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
Crown Publishers.
4. Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Law and Contemporary Problems, 61(4), 41-65.
5. Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt
and Company.
6. Hawkins, D. N., & Booth, A. (2005). Unhappily ever after: Effects of long-term,
low-quality marriages on well-being. Social Forces, 84(1), 451—471.
https://doi.org/10.1353/sof.2005.0103
7. Orbuch, T. L. (2012). 5 simple steps to take your marriage from good to great. Random House.
8. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14—year period. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(3), 737—745.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741—3737.2000.00737.x