Breakups stink. But being in a relationship with someone, even someone you love, doesn’t guarantee they’re the right fit. Sometimes breakups are the necessary push to find a relationship that truly sparks joy — or to celebrate your own independence.
To find that place, you have to know how to break up with someone in a way that won’t leave you both broken and bitter.
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways:
- Approach the process of breaking up with compassion, honesty, and respect.
- Identify the signs that it might be time to end your relationship, including loss of respect and trust, lack of healthy communication, and more.
- Take some time for self-reflection and plan ahead for this difficult conversation to ensure you’re making the right choice.
- Practice strategies for coping with the end of a relationship, such as acknowledging the pain, prioritizing self-care, and moving forward to find a more fulfilling partnership.
How to Break Up With Someone
1. Decide to break up
If you’re reading this article, you clearly feel something “off” in your relationship. Maybe you’ve been feeling it for a while, or maybe it’s something new. You think you want to move onto something new, but that feels scary and difficult.
That’s normal. Breakups, while common and often the healthiest thing you can do, are not easy and are fraught with uncertainty.
Therefore, before you initiate the “big talk,” hit pause and make sure you’re certain you want to break up.
If you’re unsure this is the right move for you or initiating a breakup as a reaction to an isolated incident, you might second-guess yourself, which can cause you to abandon the breakup and remain in a situation that’s not right or healthy for you.
Taking some time to sit with yourself before initiating the breakup can also help you make it more compassionate. By being firm in your convictions, make it clear you’re not negotiating your future but rather communicating a decision you’ve made for yourself.
A healthy relationship can provide stability and care, but it might lack the spark, passion, or shared goals you truly desire. And vice versa.
There’s a difference between a relationship riddled with problems and one that’s simply missing the specific ingredients you need to thrive. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that personal growth and self-expansion are crucial for long-term relationship happiness.[1]
If you’ve identified a genuine lack of personal fulfillment despite the relationship’s positive aspects, ending things, though difficult, could be the right move.
Before you initiate the breakup, some serious self-reflection is key. Journaling is a powerful tool for this. It allows you to explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe, nonjudgmental space.
Here are some journaling prompts to get you started:
- Reflect on your core needs: This could include emotional support, mutual respect, shared interests, or anything that makes you feel valued and connected.
- Identify the deal breakers: These might be infidelity, lack of communication, differing life goals, or incompatible values.
- Consider your long-term goals: Envision your ideal future and assess whether your current relationship supports that vision.
- Evaluate your current state of happiness: Ask yourself if you’re genuinely happy, or are you staying out of comfort and fear of the unknown?
Dr. John Gottman recommends this zinger: “If nothing changed in our relationship, would I still be satisfied in a year?”[2]
2. Do it in person
Breaking up in person is generally the most respectful and compassionate way to end a relationship, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. It shows respect for the time you shared and allows for closure.
However, there are some exceptions to this rule. If you’re in a long-distance relationship or have only seen each other a few times, a call may be acceptable. This still allows for a respectful conversation while acknowledging the limitations of your situation.
For super-casual situations — you know, the ones where you’ve met up once or twice and realized you’d rather watch paint dry — a text can suffice. It’s not winning you any awards, but it’s better than radio silence.
Speaking of which, let’s talk about ghosting. Just don’t. Seriously. It’s not mysterious or cool; it’s just plain cowardly. It can be hurtful and disrespectful, leaving your partner feeling confused and rejected.
It’s important to have the courage and decency to communicate your decision, even if it’s difficult.
3. Choose the right time and place
Saying good-bye shouldn’t feel like a scene from the world’s worst rom-com. Choosing the right time and place for a breakup is crucial for a compassionate and respectful conversation.
The key here is to minimize distractions and maximize comfort. A private but familiar place is the most ideal, but don’t invite them to your place.
According to an analysis of breakups in Business Insider, “Though you might think that your place is a good choice because it can be private, you can be comfortable, and no one will bother you, their place might actually be a better choice.”[3]
In their own home, your doomed darling is more likely to feel secure and safe. Another bonus the article points out is that you can leave whenever you like, rather than having to shoo them out after you break the bad news.
However, it’s important to take into account this person’s potential reaction and the anticipated intensity of their feelings, especially if you’re in a toxic relationship.
If you’re worried your soon-to-be ex might go full Hulk, a public place with people around might be a better option (think a quiet corner booth in a restaurant, not Times Square).
If you anticipate things will turn violent, plan ahead. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.thehotline.org and check out their safety plan.
But remember, even a semipublic place should feel calm, not chaotic. If you know your partner will take the news particularly hard, have a close friend or family member on standby to offer support.
A therapist’s office is also a great option to help them process their emotions in a safe, neutral, and understanding environment.
Avoid major holidays and days that are important to them. Nobody needs that emotional baggage just before a career-defining moment or during their birthday dinner (seriously, ouch).
Lastly, this isn’t a Spotify playlist — there’s no perfect time. But aim for when you’re both sober, not hangry, and don’t have to rush off to a meeting in 10 minutes!
4. Emphasize kindness and respect
It’s important to approach the conversation with kindness and respect. Using “I” statements can help you express your feelings without placing blame on your partner. This allows you to communicate your perspective while minimizing hurt and defensiveness.
For example, saying, “I deeply care about you, but I’ve realized we want different things in life,” acknowledges your affection while gently explaining the reason for the breakup.
Avoid using accusatory language that can escalate emotions and create unnecessary conflict. Instead of focusing on your partner’s shortcomings, highlight your own feelings and needs.
Statements like, “I’ve been feeling unfulfilled” or “I need to pursue my personal growth” keep the conversation respectful and centered on your perspective.
This approach helps to ensure that the breakup is handled with compassion, allowing both you and your partner to part ways with dignity and understanding.
Research from Illinois State University identifies and rates several breakup strategies based on their compassion level. Strategies that involved direct and honest communication were rated best.
Strategies that aim to prevent hard feelings and ensure a positive tone were also highly rated. This includes emphasizing the good things gained from the relationship and trying to prevent the breakup from ending on a sour note.[4]
5. Be honest but not brutally honest
Honesty is key in any breakup, but there’s a fine line between being truthful and delivering a verbal KO. The goal here isn’t to tear your partner down, but to offer a clear explanation for your decision.
The kind of honesty we are talking about is called radical honesty. Clinical Psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff explains to Verywell Mind, “Radical honesty involves telling the truth no matter what, even if it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient. It essentially means not holding back anything you think or feel.”[5]
Such radical honesty requires bravery in the face of potentially hurting your partner. But you mustn’t give in to the temptation to downplay your authentic feelings about the relationship. At the same time, it’s important to temper your radical honesty with kindness and respect.
Focus on the core incompatibility or the reasons the relationship isn’t fulfilling your needs.
For instance, “You’re an amazing person, but lately I haven’t felt the excitement and spark I crave in a romantic partnership.” This is honest without resorting to criticism that might leave your partner feeling hurt or confused.
Here are some more tips:
- Avoid cliches: Skip the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine. It’s impersonal and offers no closure.
- Focus on the present: Don’t dredge up past arguments or relationship baggage.
- Be clear, not cruel: There’s a difference between “I need more emotional intimacy” and “You’re emotionally unavailable.”
- Offer ownership: Take responsibility for your feelings and needs.
Remember, even the most well-intentioned breakup can be painful. Your goal is to be honest and respectful while allowing your partner some understanding of why things are ending.
6. Listen and let them speak
Being a good listener is a learned skill that can pay off well, especially in difficult situations, such as a breakup. In his book, The Art of Listening, Dominic A. Barbara says,
Good listening demands active participation. It involves keeping one’s mind in a state of relaxed alertness, open and flexible to all relevant changes in a given situation. To listen with an active and open mind also entails giving a speaker a chance to presentall the facts involved and not jumping to premature conclusions.[6]
When your partner is speaking, make an effort to really hear what they’re saying. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their feelings. Instead, try to understand where they’re coming from and validate their emotions.
This can help your partner feel heard and supported, even if the conversation is painful.
It’s also important to be patient during the breakup conversation. Your partner may need time to process their emotions and ask questions. Allow them the space and time they need to express themselves fully. This can help both of you gain closure and move forward.
If your partner becomes emotional or upset, try to remain calm and understanding. Offer comfort and support but avoid making false promises or giving mixed signals. Remember, the goal is to end the relationship as compassionately and respectfully as possible.
7. Set boundaries
Breakups are emotional roller coasters, and your soon-to-be-ex might not react how you’d prefer. They might plead, bargain, or even try to guilt you. Here’s where setting boundaries becomes crucial.
It’s okay to acknowledge their emotions, but you don’t have to engage in a long, drawn-out debate. A simple “I understand you’re hurt, and I care about your feelings” can go a long way.
You also don’t need to be cruel, but you do need to be firm. Something like, “This decision wasn’t easy, but it’s the right one for me. I wish you all the best in finding love.” If they need space, give it to them.
Avoid mixed messages by stopping flirty behavior or initiating unnecessary contact.
Remember, boundaries are about self-preservation. According to researchers Singh and Ali, “Individuals who implemented clear boundaries with their ex-partners reported lower levels of emotional distress and greater progress in their recovery process.”[7]
So, keep in mind that once you’re done breaking up, you’re not exactly done with the breakup. You still need to set and maintain firm boundaries to ensure you can both move on with your life.
Signs It’s Time to Consider a Breakup
Lately, you feel like something just isn’t clicking with your partner. Before you white-knuckle your way through another date night, let’s explore some signs that a breakup, however heartbreaking, might be the path to a brighter future.
Persistent misalignment
Misalignment. It’s a fancy way of saying “incompatible,” and it’s one of the most common reasons relationships go south.[8] Persistent misalignment is a major sign it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
Maybe you’re a neat freak, and your partner is a bit of a slob. Or maybe you’re a morning person, and your partner is a night owl. These might not seem like big deals at first, but over time they can create disconnect and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Misalignment isn’t always mild. Sometimes, major issues, like a lack of shared values or failure to recognize and respect relationship rights and reponsibilites, can also create conflict.
These misalignments tend to get worse, not better. Instead, they can grow into resentment, missed opportunities, and a constant feeling of being out of sync.
Waning effort and excitement
Nothing beats those heart-fluttering first dates, the stolen glances, and the late-night chats that stretched into the sunrise. But fast forward — those butterflies can morph into a dull ache of indifference.
Maybe date nights feel more like obligations than celebrations, and conversation flows about as easily as molasses in January. If you find yourself constantly in a rut, or if you’re the only one making an effort to keep the relationship afloat, that’s a red flag.
Relationships should be a source of joy, not a burden. Just like houseplants — forget to water them and they’ll wither faster than your motivation on a Monday morning.
As organizational guru Marie Kondo would say about the neglected Ficus in the corner, it’s time to thank it for its service and let it go.[9]
Lack of healthy communication
Every time you try to discuss a problem with your partner, it turns into a heated argument. Or you even find yourself avoiding certain topics because you’re afraid of how your partner will react.
These are signs of unhealthy communication, and they can be detrimental to a relationship.
Healthy communication is the backbone of any successful partnership. It’s about being able to express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns in a way that’s respectful and considerate. It’s about listening to your partner and valuing their perspective, even when you disagree.
In fact, it can do wonders for your physical health too!
A study at the University of Texas shows that people who reported receiving affectionate communication from their partners tend to have lower levels of cortisol, which means lower chances of high blood pressure, diabetes, irregular menstrual periods, weakened bones, and even stretch marks![10]
So one can assume the opposite is also true. Poor communication is a relationship killer, and the stress it causes can even affect your health.
Loss of respect or trust
Every strong relationship is built on a solid foundation of respect and trust. These aren’t just fluffy buzzwords; they’re the cornerstones of a healthy emotional connection.
But when arguments turn into put-downs, belittling comments, or a constant dismissal of your feelings, respect goes flying out the window. This lack of respect can leave you feeling hurt, unheard, and ultimately, unimportant.
Trust is equally important. Maybe you’ve caught a broken promise here, a white lie or two, a hidden secret there — these chip away at the foundation of trust, leaving you constantly questioning and second-guessing your partner.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, building a strong friendship and positive sentiment in the relationship acts as a buffer against negative feelings. Maintaining positivity even during conflicts can help restore respect and trust.[11]
Feeling stuck or “settling”
Nobody wants to live a mediocre life, even if that definition varies from person to person.
Deep down, you probably know you were built for more than just lukewarm coffee and reruns of The Office every night.
Yet, here you are, stuck in a relationship that feels comfortable but uninspiring.
Feeling stuck or “settling” in a relationship is a huge neon billboard of a sign that it might be time to consider a breakup.
Choosing to settle often stems from fear of the unknown or the comfort of familiarity, but it can lead to long-term dissatisfaction.
As Beverly D. Flaxington, a professor at Suffolk University, puts it in Psychology Today,
People can usually find a good dozen questionable reasons as to why they can’t leave. Whatever it is you are trying to convince yourself or others of, in reality, you are just scared. Subconsciously, you are afraid of the other life you never had. It’s the fear of change and the unknown and uncertainty that it brings that is holding you back.[12]
If you are constantly putting your own goals on hold to appease your partner, or you fantasize about a life that feels more vibrant and more fulfilling, it might be a sign that it’s time to break free and chase the life you truly deserve.
Remember, “good enough” isn’t good enough.
The Aftermath: Coping and Moving Forward
The initial shock of the breakup might be fading, but you’re not disembarking this roller coaster just yet. That’s why you need to equip yourself with healthy coping mechanisms to navigate the aftermath.
Acknowledge the pain
Grief is a normal and natural response to loss, and a breakup is a significant loss. Even if the breakup was necessary or mutual, it’s still okay to feel sad, hurt, and heartbroken. It’s not a sign of weakness or a sign you made the wrong decision.
In a study of young adults at the University of Denver, those participants who initiated a breakup experienced internal conflicts about their decision to break up and the resulting grief. Those same participants, however, were able to work through their emotions.
The researchers found that “reflecting on their decision and the breakup process was crucial for their emotional healing and personal growth.”[13]
Prioritize self-care
Breakups can be emotionally and physically draining. They can leave you feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and depleted. That’s why it’s important to prioritize self-care and make your own well-being a top priority. Here are a few tips on how to go about it:
- Lean on your support system
- Engage in physical activity
- Practice mindfulness and meditation
- Pursue hobbies and interests
- Maintain a healthy routine
- Journal your thoughts
- Avoid rebounds or rebound flings
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the emotional waves and emerge stronger, ready to embrace new possibilities.
Normalize mixed feelings
Breakups are messy. One minute you’re sobbing into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and the next you’re dancing to “Single Ladies” like you’re auditioning for Beyoncé’s backup crew. This emotional cocktail is perfectly normal.
You can love someone deeply, but if the relationship isn’t nourishing your soul or aligning with your long-term goals, letting go, even if scary, is the most loving choice for both of you.
To navigate those confusing emotions, remind yourself of the reasons that led you to this decision. It could be that your needs are unmet or there are fundamental differences in values.
It’s also normal to miss the routine and companionship of a long-term relationship. This doesn’t mean you miss the person themselves, but rather the comfort of what you knew.
Lastly, instead of dwelling on “what ifs,” start getting excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. This is your chance to find a love that truly sets your soul on fire.
Learn from the experience
Reflecting on the lessons learned from a breakup is a crucial step toward personal growth and finding a healthier relationship in the future.
Take time to consider what you need in a future partner. Think about the qualities and values that are most important to you — respect, communication, shared goals, emotional support, and mutual understanding.
Identifying red flags sooner is another important lesson. Reflect on any warning signs you might have overlooked in your past relationship. Reflect, also, on the relationship green flags you saw or wish you had seen in your last partner.
Consider your own role in the relationship’s dynamics. Self-awareness is key to personal growth. Consider how you contributed to conflicts and how you can do better in the future. This honest acknowledgement allows you to break unhealthy patterns and build more positive, fulfilling relationships.
Remember you’re not alone
Breaking up is a storm of emotions, a test of strength, and a decision that requires immense courage.
But you are not alone. Countless women, strong and resilient like you, have walked this path and emerged braver on the other side.
I’m better on the other side. – Dua Lipa
Think of it as a necessary pruning — clearing away what no longer serves you to make space for something truly beautiful to bloom.
Conclusion
Breaking up is never easy, but it’s sometimes the healthiest choice for both partners. Recognizing the signs that it’s time to move on, preparing thoughtfully, and approaching the breakup with compassion can make the process less painful.
It’s OK to prioritize your happiness and well-being, even if it means ending a relationship that once brought you joy.
By taking these steps, you’re not only showing respect for your partner but also paving the way for personal growth and future relationships that truly align with your needs and aspirations.
FAQ
When should I end my relationship?
You should end your relationship when you notice persistent misalignment in goals or values, consistent communication breakdowns, eroded trust or respect, or feeling like you’re sacrificing your potential. These red flags suggest it might be time to move on.
How do I break up with someone I still love?
You break up with someone you still love by being honest, empathetic, and direct, as well as patient with yourself. Acknowledge the good times and express gratitude for the relationship but firmly embrace that it’s best to part ways. Allow your partner to express their feelings and listen without interrupting.
How do you leave someone you love but is toxic?
You leave someone you love but is toxic by prioritizing your well-being, including your safety and mental health. Create a safety plan if necessary. Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, authorities, professionals, or support networks. For immediate help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.thehotline.org.
References
1. Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
2. Gottman, J. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Hachette UK.
3. Schumacker, L. (2018, September 12). Where you should actually be breaking up with someone, according to experts. Business Insider.
https://www.businessinsider.com/best-place-to-break-up-2018-9?r=US&IR=T#:~:text=You%20want%20to%20choose%20a,t%20frustrate%20or%20irritate%20others.&text=Choosing%20a%20place%20your%20partner,vulnerable%20is%20a%20good%20idea.%22
4. Sprecher, S., Zimmerman, C., & Abrahams, E. M. (2010). Choosing compassionate strategies to end a relationship. Social Psychology, 41(2).
https://doi.org/10.1027/1864-9335/a000010
5. Gupta, S. (2023, June 09). Why honesty is so important, according to a relationship expert. Verywell Mind.
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-honesty-is-so-important-according-to-a-relationship-expert-7503996
6. Barbara, D. A. (1961). The art of listening. Psychologia, 4(2), 63–70.
https://doi.org/10.2117/psysoc.1961.63
7. Singh, A., & Ali, A. (2023). Mastering the art of letting go: Psychological pathways to recovery after breakups or divorce. Indian Journal of Psychiatric Social Work, 14(2). 49–52.
https://pswjournal.org/index.php/ijpsw/article/download/220/223
8. Parija, A. C. P. P. (2021). The Love-Breakup study: Defining love and exploring reasons for the breakup of romantic relationships. Journal of Health Sexuality and Culture, 7(2), 41–48.
https://doi.org/10.5281/zenodo.6062843
9. Kondo, M. (2014). The life-changing magic of tidying up: The Japanese art of decluttering and organizing. Ten Speed Press.
10. Vangelisti, A. L. (2002). Interpersonal processes in romantic relationships. Handbook of Interpersonal Communication, 3, 643–679.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Anita-Vangelisti/publication/285862083_Interpersonal_processes_in_romantic_relationships/links/5932c86aa6fdcc89e7bde18c/Interpersonal-processes-in-romantic-relationships.pdf
11. Gottman, J. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Hachette UK.
12. Flaxington, B. D. (2015, June 16). Feeling stuck in the relationship: Making a shift to a happier you. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/understand-other-people/201506/feeling-stuck-in-the-relationship
13. Finkelstein, L. P. (2014). Breaking your own heart: A qualitative study of grief after initiating a breakup. University of Denver.
