Few things are more gut-wrenching than the emotional tailspin of disloyalty by an unfaithful man.
And while there’s no quick fix, healing is possible with the proper steps.
Table of Contents
First, you need to know how to get over being cheated on when your trust has been broken.
How to Get Over Being Cheated On
Recovering from infidelity will take time and a lot of work. However, there are a few things you can do to help make things a little easier.
Feel it to heal it
The first step is to grieve. Let it all out.
Punch a pile of soft laundry, scream into your pillow, bawl your eyes out. Allow yourself to feel what’s happening. Don’t repress or criticize these feelings. You have every right to the raw and hurt emotions you’re experiencing.
It’s healthy (even necessary) to allow them their moment. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports the idea that accepting your emotions — without judgment — results in better psychological well-being.[1]
Ford et al. explain, “Research has consistently linked the habitual tendency to accept one’s mental experiences with greater psychological health.”
So, the best thing you can do is be present with your emotions. Don’t try to mask your heartbreak with alcohol, substances, or rebounds. For now, use this time to heal, get perspective, regain your emotional stability, and move on, whether you decide to leave the relationship or stay and work things out.
Don’t blame yourself
It’s easy to throw the blame squarely on your shoulders. You rationalize that if you had been different, things would be different. But the truth is your behavior has nothing to do with what happened to you.
People who cheat will usually cheat regardless of how good you try to make the relationship. In fact, one study found that people who cheat in previous relationships are three times more likely to cheat in future relationships.[2]
With that in mind, rest easy knowing it’s not your fault. This dude was probably like this long before you came into the picture. For this reason, it’s not fair or rational to blame yourself for the situation.
Instead, you need to realize that this had more to do with him and his lack of character than it has to do with you.
Reconnect with friends
When all else fails, it’s time to reconnect with the squad of other powerful heroines. Reach out and reconnect with your friends. A distraction from the self-centered person who broke your heart is just what the doctor ordered.
Go for a coffee date, a shopping trip, or a movie marathon. You have to get plugged into the right support system. As tempting as it can be to self-isolate (and you may even need it for a time), you’ll find that you’ll bounce back quicker when you have the support of others who care about you.
They can help you feel heard, understood, and like someone has your back. And that can make all the difference in the world when it comes to how quickly you get back on your feet.
Set new goals for the future
One of the beautiful things about a relationship ending is that it creates room in your life for something new and better to take its place. This is where you get to do some dreaming.
I know you may not feel like doing much besides staying in bed all day, scrolling through old photos of the two of you, and listening to Lana Del Rey on repeat. But while you should take some time alone to heal, you don’t want to wallow more than necessary. The drumbeat of life must go on, and so do you.
Setting new goals will give you hope for the future, and it can also be helpful for pulling you out of your emotional slump.
And this is because of the goal gradient hypothesis.[3] This is the idea that you get more motivated to reach a goal the closer you get to it. So, if you’re feeling discouraged and disheartened and want to know how to get over being cheated on, try setting some small achievable goals to get yourself moving in a positive direction.
Ultimately, what you do after infidelity is up to you. For some, it’s a complete dealbreaker, while others still want to work things out. You’re the only one who can decide which side of the spectrum you’ll fall on.
Forgive and forget
I can feel your furrowed brow and narrowed eyes through the screen. Hear me out. The more you hold onto the pain, the more it will fester inside of you. And this could taint your view of men and give you a lot of relationship anxiety in the future.
You’ll end up painting every guy with the same brush, which won’t help you land a genuinely good man who will give you the love you really deserve. For this reason, it’s important to forgive the guy who hurt you, not for him, but for you.
Also, it’s important to forgive yourself. This experience may have caused you to harbor some doubts about your own ability to make good decisions. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Every relationship (regardless of what happens or how it ends) is an opportunity to learn and grow.
You may not realize it, but even if you kick him to the curb and don’t stick around to hear his excuses, forgiving him will help you become wiser and better able to sniff out these types of men (so you can kick ‘em to the curb) much quicker in the future.
Should You Stay or Should You Go?
If you go, there will be trouble; if you stay it will be double. Or so say The Clash.
And with that insightful piece of punk rock wisdom, we can conclude that either choice will be a hard one with its set of pros and cons.
If you give him another shot, the pro is that you can keep your relationship intact and work to improve it. However, you might always wonder in the back of your mind if he’s faithful.
If you end things, the pro is you get to start fresh and put all of this behind you, but the con is you’ll be on your own for a period — and cheater or not, you might miss the little bugger.
Many people can forgive infidelity and work through it with their partner. Others draw that hard line in the sand, painting this transgression as an immediate dealbreaker. As a result, they will end things without thinking twice with the attitude, “He made his bed; now he has to lie in it.”
But regardless of what friends and family say or what you read or hear on social media, you’re the only one who can decide which is the best choice for you. But whichever you choose, you’ll only ever heal if you learn to forgive.
How to Forgive Someone for Cheating
Infidelity is the worst kind of betrayal, and there’s absolutely no excuse for it whatsoever. But the unfortunate reality is that it happens. And so, learning how to get over someone cheating on you is one of the most important things you can do. Here are a few tips that may be useful to you.
Take a break from dating
If you decide the relationship is not worth saving and this dude is not worth your time, have a breather. For a time, it’s best to take a break from dating altogether.
Your emotions are really raw, and trying to find a new partner amid that emotional chaos will most likely result in a rebound that could do more harm than good. By stepping away from the dating scene, you’re pressing the reset button and giving yourself a chance to reboot the system for a better experience next time around.
Take a break from the dating apps, ignore the DMs, and focus on healing and getting yourself clear and level-headed again.
Get closure
If you’re comfortable with it, and it’s something you feel will help you close this chapter in your life, have an honest conversation with this guy. Get some closure.
While it’s not necessary to move on with your life, understanding why he cheated can give you some peace of mind about the situation, which can help make it a little easier to move on. But that’s not the only way to get closure:
- Write a letter: It can be therapeutic to write a letter to him expressing your anguish. Then burn it. You’ll be amazed at the release you feel watching it burn.
- Remove all evidence of him: Donate any gifts he’s given you and the clothes he’s left at your place and unfollow all his social media handles. The best way to gain closure is to remove all evidence of him so that you’re not reminded any more than necessary of the pain.
- Seek support: Whether it’s from a ride-or-die or a close relative who just gets you, seeking support from others is crucial to healing and moving on. Your support system will comfort you with compassion and love. And more than anything else, that’s probably what you need the most right now.
Focus on self-care
There is no easy way to get over someone cheating on you. It’s a form of betrayal that doesn’t come with a manual or guide. However, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to focus on being kind to yourself. Do things that bring you joy. Here are a few simple ideas to consider:
- An afternoon at the spa: Sometimes a girl just needs to be pampered.
- An evening to yourself: Schedule an evening with Ben & Jerry or a Netflix binge session. There are a few things this combination can’t fix — at least for a spell.
- Take a day off: Infidelity can make you feel like you just need a break from life. So take a day to just lie in bed and be present with your emotions.
- Get outside: If you can’t remember the last time you walked barefoot in the grass, now’s the perfect excuse to do it. Get out in nature and forget about everything for a bit.
- Express gratitude: In the middle of a gut-wrenching experience like infidelity, it can be hard to see the good. That’s when finding things to be grateful for becomes especially important.
- Reflect: Try meditation or journaling to clear your mind of sinking thoughts.
Focusing on your self-care is a necessity when it comes to situations like this. You’re not being egotistical; you’re just propping yourself back up after getting knocked down. Mandy Hale, author of The Single Woman Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass, said it best: “It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.”[4]
How to Rebuild Trust After Cheating
Rebuilding trust after cheating is a tall order. And while I’m not going to say it’s impossible, I’m also not going to let on like it can be done quickly or easily.
Start with a genuine apology
The first thing he needs to do before anything else is to give a genuine apology. Apologizing can be the beginning of a whole new relationship. Of course, that’s not to say that it wipes the slate clean and makes everything all hunky-dory again — not even close. There’s no push-button solution like that for this kind of situation.
However, it communicates that he’s remorseful. And if you see and believe that he really means it, it can be the foundation for restoring trust and starting something new.
Ask for full transparency
If there is even an inkling of an iota of a chance you’ll take him back, you have to have full transparency. This means all indiscretions are gone from his life (forever), clear lines of communication are open, and there are no secrets.
This could come in a couple of forms:
- He shares all details about the affair (who she was, why he did it, what he do to improve, and so on)
- Ending all contact with that person
- Full access to his smartphone and other digital devices
- Willingness to try therapy or couples counseling
It’s not unreasonable, given the circumstances, for you to ask for this kind of transparency. No more skeletons in the closet. Period.
This isn’t revolutionary. It’s actually standard practice in healthy relationships.
Give it time
No one can tell you the ideal time frame for restoring the balance of trust in your relationship. It may take months, even years.
If you do decide to continue working on your relationship, don’t expect things to be the way they were. You’ll need to see a track record of good behavior for a long enough period of time before trust can be reestablished.
In fact, Rick Reynolds, founder and CEO of Affair Recovery, says that, on average, the feelings of betrayal can take up to two years to completely subside.[5]
How to Fix a Relationship After Cheating
Fixing any relationship is no walk in the park, but fixing one after cheating is even harder. You’ll both need to put in some effort.
Communicate your expectations firmly and clearly
To fix a relationship that has been damaged by his cheating, he’ll have to rebuild your entire foundation of trust again. This means you have to communicate your expectations clearly and firmly.
He has to know that you expect him to practice honesty in every facet of your relationship going forward. And not just any kind of honesty… I’m talking devout, saint-like, Mother-Theresa-type honesty. No more falsehoods, half-truths, or white lies. This needs to be a clear expectation because it’s the only way for him to regain your goodwill.
In fact, research from the American Psychology Association shows that keeping promises can (over time) build trust and improve the quality of your relationship.[6]
Psychologists Johanna Peetz and Lara Kammrath, who led the study, revealed that “Kept promises may have further positive effects on the relationship, both indirectly through the fostering of trust and directly through the cooperation and adjustment of maladaptive behaviors.”
You have to set a clear expectation of honesty and transparency and see if he lives up to this new standard.
Invest time in the relationship
And many people will cheat because they feel ignored or alone in the relationship. Perhaps they think the relationship isn’t progressing or that their partner isn’t investing in the relationship as much as they are.
While that’s certainly no excuse for infidelity, it does give you a starting point for picking up the pieces of your relationship.
A study from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology reports that “feelings of investment were strongly linked to other subjective indicators of relationship development, such as feeling attached to the partner and believing that the relationship had a good future.”[7]
With this in mind, think about ways you can both invest more in the relationship. It could be regular date nights, planning future goals together, expressing gratitude for one another, or even investing in couples therapy or coaching.
Get professional help
Getting professional help can be one of the best ways to learn how to fix a relationship after cheating.
With all the confusion, emotions, and pain connected to an experience like this, it could be worth it to sit down with a professional to air out all that dirty laundry. But more than just opening those lines of communication, couples counseling can also help with relationship problems like sexual difficulties, intimate partner violence, and, yes, even moving past infidelity.[8]
A licensed therapist can help both of you dig beneath the surface and get to the root of the problem. That could be the solution you need to prevent this from ever happening again.
Conclusion
Learning how to get over being cheated on is not an easy concept to embrace.
But with enough time, the pain will subside, and you’ll be better and wiser as a result. Be kind to yourself and focus on what you can control: Spend time with those who value you and be patient with the healing process.
For more help with ending a relationship, follow the link.
FAQs
How to get over a person that cheated on you?
Getting over a person that cheated on you takes time and patience. It’s best to feel the hurt but then take steps to slowly rebuild yourself. Get around people who love and care about you, engage in your hobbies and interests, focus on self-care and your personal growth, and of course, take time to reflect.
Does the pain of cheating ever go away?
Yes, the pain of cheating does go away. With enough time, eventually, the hurt emotions will subside and you’ll feel better about the situation. However, it takes time to reach that point. So, be patient with yourself and your emotional healing.
Why does cheating hurt so much?
Cheating hurts so much because of the violation of your trust. Agreeing to a committed relationship means putting your faith in another person, hoping they’ll respect and honor not only you but the commitment they have made as well. Cheating is a form of betrayal that essentially devalues all of that.
Why did I get cheated on?
Why you got cheated on isn’t the question because it’s not a reflection of you. A cheater’s behavior is more indicative of the cheater themselves than it is about you as a person. While you should learn from this to avoid this type of person in the future, it wasn’t your fault and you should not blame yourself for his actions.
References
1. Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092.
https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157
2. Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 2301–2311.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1
3. Hull, C. L. (1934). The concept of the habit-family hierarchy and maze learning: Part II. Psychological Review, 41(2), 134.
https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/h0072855
4. Hale, M. (2013). The single woman life, love, and a dash of sass. Thomas Nelson.
5. Reynolds, R. (n.d.). How long does it take to recover from an affair? Affair Recovery.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/how-to-recover-from-an-affair-how-long
6. Peetz, J., & Kammrath, L. (2011). Only because I love you: Why people make and why they break promises in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(5), 887–904.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021857
7. Joel, S., & Machia, L. (2024). How do invested partners become invested? A prospective investigation of fledgling relationship development. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231224351
8. Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359–1385.
https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824
