Relationship anxiety can seriously mess with your head and your love life. It’s often collateral damage from the clinical mental health condition anxiety, which comes in several forms.
The good news? You can learn how to deal with relationship anxiety and even overcome it.
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways
- Anxiety is a clinical diagnosis that can seriously affect your relationship.
- It’s different from simply overthinking a relationship because it’s a medical condition.
- Key symptoms of relationship anxiety include constantly seeking reassurance and worrying the relationship is doomed.
- Taming the anxiety beast involves a mix of self-care, communication, and professional help.
- If your partner’s the anxious one, patience and understanding are key.
How to Deal With and Overcome Relationship Anxiety
Dealing with relationship anxiety may feel overwhelming, but it’s not impossible. Here’s a list of practical steps you can take to manage those anxious feelings and build a healthier, happier connection.
1. Seek professional help
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and it’s affecting your relationship, talking to a therapist can be a game-changer. Frankly, it might even be necessary. Anxiety is a serious medical condition that can worsen over time if not treated.
Therapy gives you a safe space to vent, process your feelings, and understand what’s really driving your anxiety. It can help prevent anxiety attacks and worry spirals and teach you to communicate better with your partner.
Therapy isn’t about “fixing” you but rather giving you tools to handle tough emotions and build trust. By talking with a professional, you can discover where these feelings come from, rebuild your self-esteem, and feel secure in your relationship again.
2. Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries create space for both you and your partner to feel safe and respected. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is about knowing what works for you and communicating that clearly.
Maybe it’s agreeing to check in before a big night out or setting aside tech-free time for just the two of you. Heck, even something as simple as “I need 30 minutes alone when I get home to decompress” can work wonders.
The key is finding that sweet spot where you both feel heard and supported. When you set healthy boundaries, you’re saying, “This is what I’m comfortable with, and I expect you to respect that.”
3. Use cognitive behavioral therapy
The magical thing about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is that you can learn to do it without the help of a professional therapist.
CBT is a powerful tool for managing relationship anxiety. It works by helping you learn to recognize those negative thought patterns and replace them with more realistic, grounded activities and perspectives.
According to the journal Cognitive Therapy and Research, CBT efficacy is widely acknowledged by psychology experts. Researchers Hoffman et al. found that CBT is “a reliable first-line treatment for anxiety disorders, showing significant positive effects on secondary symptoms like sleep dysfunction and anxiety sensitivity.”[1]
One common technique is journaling, where you write down anxious thoughts and then challenge their accuracy — this helps break negative thinking patterns.
Another helpful practice is mindfulness meditation, where you focus on your breath and being present, allowing anxious thoughts to pass without overreacting to them. You learn to observe your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them.
In time, you find yourself less prone to anxiety attacks and more capable of managing them when they do come.
4. Practice self-care
Self-care is filling up your own cup before you can pour into your relationship. It’s about taking time for yourself to recharge, relax, and do things that bring you joy.
Whether it’s going for a run, practicing yoga, or indulging in a hobby, make sure to prioritize activities that help you unwind and reduce stress.
Having a support group of friends or family can also be a lifesaver when dealing with relationship anxiety. Spending time with loved ones can help you maintain a healthy perspective and avoid getting too caught up in your partner’s activities. They can offer a listening ear, provide support, and remind you of your own worth.
When it comes to anxiety, self-care also means managing your physical health. Indeed, researchers with the University of Manitoba cite “a link between cardiovascular problems and anxiety, respiratory/lung disease and anxiety, and gastrointestinal disease and anxiety.”[2]
Exercising, eating right, getting adequate sleep, and avoiding drugs and alcohol are all ways to manage anxiety in relationships and in general.
5. Communicate openly
Hiding your anxious feelings can exacerbate your anxiety symptoms rather than help them. Having honest conversations with your partner about your feelings and worries, on the other hand, can bring relief.
Letting them know what’s on your mind helps build trust and clears up misunderstandings.
When you’re open about your anxiety, your partner can offer support, share their own feelings, and potentially assuage your worries. This transparency strengthens the relationship and prevents small concerns from becoming big issues.
It’s all about creating a space where both of you feel heard, understood, and secure.
6. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms
I know the temptation to numb out with a bottle of wine or binge-eat your feelings is strong, but that’s just a one-way ticket to Anxiety Town.
Instead, focus on healthy, sustainable ways to manage your worries. Go for a brisk walk, call a friend, or try your hand at that new hobby you’ve been meaning to pick up. Heck, even something as simple as taking a few deep breaths can work wonders.
What’s important is finding constructive outlets that don’t just mask or worsen the problem — they actually help you work through it.
7. Challenge negative thoughts
When those pesky, intrusive thoughts creep in — like worrying that your partner doesn’t love you or that they’re about to leave — take a moment to pause and question them.
Are these thoughts based on facts or are they just your anxiety talking? Try replacing them with more positive and realistic perspectives. For instance, remind yourself of the love and support in your relationship.
This not only helps to reduce anxiety but also fosters a healthier mindset, making it easier to enjoy your relationship without the constant cloud of worry.
How to Deal With a Partner’s Relationship Anxiety
If your partner is struggling with relationship anxiety, it can be tough to know how to support them. But with a little understanding and patience, you can create a safe and supportive environment where they feel loved and accepted.
Let’s explore some helpful strategies.
1. Be patient
When your partner is dealing with relationship anxiety, being patient and understanding is super important.
Remember, their anxiety doesn’t reflect their love for you or their commitment to the relationship. It’s just something they’re struggling with emotionally. Let them know you’re there for them and encourage them to talk about their feelings when they’re ready.
It’s all about giving them the space they need to work through it, without any pressure. Just being that steady support can mean the world to them and help create a safe space where they feel loved and understood.
2. Suggest professional help
Sometimes, even the most supportive partner can’t provide the level of support that’s needed. In fact, constant caregiving can lead to a one-sided relationship and codependency. Therapy or counseling can be a game changer for someone struggling with relationship anxiety — and their partner.
A good therapist can give your partner the tools they need to manage their anxiety in healthy, constructive ways. And when your partner’s anxiety is under control, your whole relationship benefits.
Suddenly, those endless cycles of reassurance-seeking and catastrophizing start to fade, and you can focus on the good stuff — like remembering why you fell for each other in the first place.
3. Engage in shared activities
Spending quality time together can work wonders for your partner’s relationship anxiety.
Quality time doesn’t mean binge-watching TV together or doom-scrolling your phones in the same room. Examples of real quality time include hiking a scenic trail, watching a movie, cooking a fancy dinner together, or even just having a dance party in the living room.
The key is finding activities that allow you to be fully present with each other without the constant hum of anxious thoughts. Plus, the good times you share can make both of you feel more secure in the relationship.
4. Avoid blaming and shaming
When your partner’s relationship anxiety is flaring up, the worst thing you can do is make them feel even more ashamed or guilty about it.
Instead, what they need most is your compassion and understanding. This isn’t their way of trying to drive you crazy — it’s their brain going into overdrive, and they’re the ones suffering the most.
So, take a deep breath, put on your patience hat, and let them know you’re there for them; no judgment allowed. Dropping little reminders that you care and that their anxiety doesn’t make them any less worthy of love can go a long way.
5. Encourage open communication
Urge them to share their fears and concerns without the fear of judgment. Let them know that it’s okay to express what’s on their mind. This honest dialogue can strengthen your bond and help you both understand each other better.
When you’re a good listener and validate their feelings, you show your partner that they’re not alone on this journey.
You should also feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. A lack of two-way communication can actually cause relationship anxiety in your partner. If they’re always sharing and you’re a veritable tomb, well, of course they’re worried about the relationship!
6. Encourage their hobbies
Encourage your partner to pursue their hobbies and spend time with friends outside of your relationship. But try to do so in a way that doesn’t make it look like you’re trying to get rid of them.
If your partner is into gardening, don’t say, “You should go outside and do some gardening.” Instead, maybe buy them a new plant or gardening tool, or mention how much you’re looking forward to the garden in summer.
Exploring hobbies gives your anxious partner a chance to recharge and build their confidence independently, which can actually reduce their anxiety. When they engage in activities they love or hang out with friends, it helps them feel fulfilled and supported in their own right.
Plus, it creates a healthy balance in your relationship, making it stronger. Just remind them that it’s perfectly okay to take time for themselves — it’s not about distancing but about fostering a happier, more secure partnership!
7. Celebrate your partner’s progress
Congratulate the small victories, whether it’s them opening up about their feelings or taking a step toward managing their anxiety.
Celebrating these moments shows that you see and appreciate their efforts, which can boost their confidence and motivation. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture — simple words of encouragement or a small treat can go a long way.
Relationship Anxiety or Gut Feeling?
It can be tough to tell if what you’re feeling are actual red flags or just your anxiety playing tricks on you. The best thing to do? Give your partner the benefit of the doubt until you have concrete proof.
Don’t rush to conclusions, or you might miss out on something good. Ask questions, observe carefully, and take your time. You’re not alone in this, but don’t make the mistake of blindly trusting your instincts — sometimes, anxiety disguises itself as intuition. Make sure you’re 100% certain before reacting to anything.
While anxiety tends to come from fear and insecurity, a gut feeling is often rooted in intuition. Let’s explore how you can differentiate between the two:
1. Timing
Anxiety typically appears early in a relationship or during transitions, like moving in together or after a conflict. Gut feelings usually develop over time as you notice red flags or ongoing issues that don’t sit right with you.
2. Need for reassurance
If you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner, it’s likely relationship anxiety rather than intuition. A gut feeling doesn’t require validation from others — you just “know” without needing confirmation.
3. Past trauma vs. present awareness
Relationship anxiety often stems from unresolved issues in past relationships, leading to overreactions to harmless situations. A gut feeling is based on something currently happening in the relationship, without being clouded by past experiences.
4. Thought patterns
Anxiety leads to obsessive or spiraling thoughts, where you constantly question your partner’s actions and worry about the future. A gut feeling is more straightforward and doesn’t involve overanalysis or rumination. It’s a simple, instinctual understanding that something is off.
5. Consistency of feelings
Relationship anxiety comes in waves and may fluctuate depending on your mood, environment, or how your partner behaves in a given moment. Gut feelings are often more consistent — they don’t waver based on minor incidents and continue to persist despite external changes.
6. Physical reactions
Anxiety usually triggers physical symptoms like sweating, rapid heart rate, paresthesia in the arms, or a tight chest, which accompany anxious thoughts about the relationship.
A gut feeling, while still physical, is more subtle — like a quiet nudge in your stomach or a persistent, non-anxious feeling that something isn’t right.
7. Emotional origin
Anxiety is often tied to your genetics and physiology and driven by past experiences, insecurities, or fears, like fear of abandonment or betrayal.
Gut instincts, on the other hand, come from a place of calm intuition and are usually not tied to emotional baggage or overanalyzing.
Pay attention to whether the feeling is rooted in fear or clarity.
8. How your partner reacts
If you suspect something is off and your partner reacts reasonably and consistently reassures you, it’s probably anxiety. If your gut feeling persists even after these reassurances, or your partner reacts poorly to your addressing it, it may be pointing to something more serious.
9. Rational vs. intuitive
Anxiety often focuses on irrational fears or worst-case scenarios, even when there’s little to no evidence. A gut feeling is more grounded in reality and tends to arise from subtle observations of real behavior, patterns, or inconsistencies in the relationship.
What Is Relationship Anxiety?
You sent a text 10 minutes ago. No response. Clearly, they’re ignoring you, right? Or maybe they’re dead in a ditch. Or worse, having brunch with their ex! Your sister’s husband left her after 20 years of marriage. Are you next?
Your mind goes round in circles until you frantically start texting your partner about their whereabouts, their feelings, their commitment.
This is a classic case of relationship anxiety.
People with relationship anxiety feel nervous or uncertain about their romantic relationships. It could be fear of falling in love and getting too close, worrying about the future, or even a fear of being left behind. It’s not the same as generalized anxiety — it’s specifically tied to your connection with your partner.
While it is normal to experience relationship anxiety at some level, especially new romances, it becomes a concern when it interferes with daily life and overall well-being and prevents you from having a happy, healthy relationship.
Research shows that relationship anxiety is closely linked to attachment styles. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people with insecure attachments reported more daily conflict in their relationships.[3]
Authors Campbell et al. add that “they tend to escalate the severity of conflicts and feel more distressed during conflicts.”
But the good news is that this condition is super common and something you can work through.
Understanding where it comes from is the first step to getting a handle on it. With acknowledgement and effort, you can overcome relationship anxiety.
Signs of Relationship Anxiety
1. Overthinking
While overthinking and anxiety are not the same thing, overanalyzing everything is a symptom of anxiety.
In relationships, it’s a never-ending highlight reel of every interaction with your partner playing in your head, but instead of enjoying the show, you’re constantly analyzing and critiquing each scene.
You find yourself dissecting every word, every action, searching for hidden meanings or signs of trouble. Did they really mean what they said? Why did they look at me that way? This constant mental chatter can be exhausting and often leads to misinterpretations and unnecessary worry.
2. Needing constant reassurance
Constantly needing to be reassured is a telltale sign of relationship anxiety. You might find yourself repeatedly asking your partner if they love you or if everything is all right between you two.
This isn’t just about wanting to hear sweet nothings; it’s a deep-seated need to feel secure and validated in the relationship. But no amount of solace can fill that void if the anxiety is calling the shots.
It’s a cycle that can leave both of you feeling drained and frustrated.
3. Fear of abandonment
You constantly worry that your partner is going to leave you, even if there’s no reason for it. This nagging thought can pop up during the smallest moments — like when they take a little longer to reply to a text or when they mention hanging out with friends.
It’s that relentless voice in your head convincing you that they’ll find someone better or just walk away.
This fear can create tension and push your partner away, making it tough to enjoy the relationship.
4. Jealousy or insecurity
Jealousy and insecurity often go hand in hand with relationship anxiety. You feel threatened by your partner’s friends or activities, even when there’s no real reason.
This insecurity can lead to unnecessary arguments or controlling behaviors, which only makes things worse. Research shows that these feelings are tied to deeper attachment issues.
A study by psychologists Nancy Collins and Stephen Read reveals that
“people with an anxious attachment style tend to experience higher levels of jealousy. This is linked to their fear of abandonment and preoccupation with their partner. They are more likely to have obsessive and dependent love styles, which can lead to relationship conflicts and lower satisfaction.”[4]
It’s important to address these feelings before you jeopardize your relationship.
5. Difficulty trusting
Difficulty trusting your partner, even when they’ve done nothing wrong, is a classic symptom of relationship anxiety.
You may find yourself questioning their motives, second-guessing their words, or feeling uneasy about their actions for no real reason. This constant doubt can stem from past relationship trauma or insecurities, making it hard to fully open up and believe in your partner’s intentions.
Over time, this lack of trust causes unnecessary tension and distance in the relationship as your partner starts to feel frustrated or confused by your constant suspicions.
6. Avoidance of vulnerability
You hold back emotionally or steer clear of deep conversations because you’re afraid of getting hurt or rejected. Instead of opening up, you put walls up to protect yourself, thinking that staying distant will keep things safe.
But avoiding emotional intimacy can prevent your relationship from growing.
Mark Manson, the New York Times best-selling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, defines it bluntly: “Vulnerability is just freely expressing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions regardless of what others might think of you.”[5]
For that reason, vulnerability is both difficult for those with anxiety and key to overcoming it.
7. Physical symptoms
Relationship anxiety doesn’t just live in your head — it can show up in your body too. When you’re constantly worried about your relationship, the stress can lead to physical symptoms.
You might have trouble sleeping, tossing and turning because your mind won’t stop racing. Headaches, muscle tension, or even a tight, uncomfortable feeling in your chest can hit when relationship fears creep in.
Research published in the European Journal of Pharmacology shows that “prolonged anxiety can lead to chronic wear and tear on the cardiovascular system, potentially resulting in stroke and heart attacks.”[6]
These symptoms are your body’s way of reacting to emotional distress, especially when you’re constantly on edge about your partner.
8. Self-sabotaging behaviors
Relationship anxiety often leads to self-sabotaging behaviors, where fear drives you to push your partner away, even when things are going well.
It’s that urge to pick fights over small issues or create distance because you’re scared they’ll hurt you first. This is a defense mechanism — by causing drama or emotional distance, you feel like you’re in control of the situation.
Conclusion
Phew, that was a lot of info to unpack! But here’s the gist; relationship anxiety is real, it sucks, and you’re definitely not alone in feeling its icy grip.
The good news? You’ve got this. Learning how to deal with relationship anxiety requires the right tools and a whole lot of self-compassion. But you can kick that anxiety to the curb and reclaim your happiness.
Looking for advice regarding being in a relationship? We have a whole page for that — check out the link.
FAQs:
Should I tell my partner about my relationship anxiety?
Yes, you should tell your partner about your relationship anxiety. Open communication can help them understand what you’re going through and how they can support you. It also builds trust and strengthens your bond.
Does relationship anxiety go away?
Relationship anxiety doesn’t just go away, but it can improve with time and effort. By using tools like communication, setting boundaries, or seeking help, you can reduce your anxiety. However, it’s something you’ll need to actively manage.
How do I calm myself down?
To calm yourself down, take deep breaths and focus on something that relaxes you. Distract your mind by doing activities like going for a walk, practicing meditation, or talking to a friend. Another method is to name one thing each that you can see, touch, hear, feel, and taste. If the anxiety feels too big, don’t hesitate to ask for help.
How do you stop worrying about someone you love?
To stop worrying about someone you love, try to focus on trusting them and not overanalyzing every detail. Keeping busy with your own hobbies and activities can also help. If the worry is too much, talking about it with someone can give you peace of mind.
References
1. Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J., Sawyer, A. T., & Fang, A. (2012). The efficacy of cognitive behavioral therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36, 427–440.
https://doi.org/10.1007%2Fs10608-012-9476-1
2. El-Gabalawy, R., Mackenzie, C. S., Shooshtari, S., & Sareen, J. (2011). Comorbid physical health conditions and anxiety disorders: a population-based exploration of prevalence and health outcomes among older adults. General Hospital Psychiatry, 33(6), 556–564.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.genhosppsych.2011.07.005
3. Campbell, L., Simpson, J. A., Boldry, J., & Kashy, D. A. (2005). Perceptions of conflict and support in romantic relationships: The role of attachment anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88(3), 510.
https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.88.3.510
4. Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1990). Adult attachment, working models, and relationship quality in dating couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(4), 644.
https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.58.4.644
5. Manson, M. (n.d.). Vulnerability: The key to better relationships. Mark Manson.
https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships
6. McEwen, B. S. (2008). Central effects of stress hormones in health and disease: Understanding the protective and damaging effects of stress and stress mediators. European Journal of Pharmacology, 583(2-3), 174–185.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ejphar.2007.11.071
