Being in a Relationship

How to Stop Overthinking Everything: 7 Tips for Finding Peace in Your Relationship

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It’s easy to get lost in the mental gyrations of the day-to-day nuances of a relationship. Do you want to know how to stop overthinking everything? 

It’s easier said than done, I suppose. But there are some tips you can try to get a handle on your thoughts.

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How to Stop Overthinking Everything

Despite the neurosis of irrational fears, it is possible to stop overthinking your relationship. All you need is a few simple strategies that will help you manage fear, feel more secure in your own skin, and teach you how to not overthink. And the best part is that these tips are easy to use. 

It’s important to note, though, that overthinking is often a symptom of the larger problem of anxiety, which can affect many aspects of your life. You may even notice your anxiety affects your relationship. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that a quarter (25%) of women are living with an anxiety disorder.

If you think your overthinking may be a symptom of an anxiety disorder, it’s important that you speak to a doctor or mental health professional.

In the meantime, here are some steps to start managing a tendency to overthink your relationship.

1. Give him the benefit of the doubt

It’s easy to jump to conclusions when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations.

You feel neglected when he starts spending more time at work than with you. You feel threatened when he seems a little too friendly with that cute hostess. You feel taken for granted when he didn’t thank you for cooking his favorite meal. 

And while your feelings are all valid, they don’t help when it comes to overthinking relationship anxiety. So, give him the benefit of the doubt. If you have trust issues from a difficult childhood or past relationship, this will take work. But if you can rationalize your way into a spiral, you can rationalize your way out of it.

Maybe he’s working longer hours to get a big promotion to build a better life with you. Maybe he thought he was having a genuinely innocent exchange with that waitress. Maybe he was exhausted and showing gratitude for your home-cooked meal completely slipped his mind.

Now, I’m not saying that everything he does should be permissible. But if you want to stop overthinking your relationship, it starts with giving him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to these nuances. 

Of course, if these behaviors turn into recurring patterns, that’s another discussion. 

However, if these are one-off instances, assume it was an innocent occurrence and let it go. One of the things men want in a relationship is empathy, from someone who is easygoing, so you have to pick your battles wisely.

2. Communicate clearly with him

Clear communication is probably the best way to fix overthinking. Effective communication unifies the disjointed parts of your relationship. It allows you to express your frustrations and, more importantly, needs, putting both of you on the same page. 

In fact, researchers studying positive relationships conclude that communicative couples had higher relational satisfaction. De Netto et al. calls communication “the bedrock or the ‘heart’ in supporting and promoting relationship satisfaction.” [1]

So, one of the best ways to stop overthinking in a relationship might simply be to have a more open dialogue. Sit him down and be honest and open about your boundaries and vulnerabilities. 

If you are both willing to open up and be transparent, communication can build a foundation for a healthy relationship.

3. Practice mindfulness to examine your feelings

You can stop overthinking your relationship by assessing why you have these obsessive thoughts in the first place. Many times, we shrug off this kind of self-reflection as a “woo-woo” practice. All you’re missing is the mountain-top seclusion with crystal healing and chakra balancing, right? 

But self-assessments don’t always involve drastic measures. In fact, they often involve simple practices, like journaling or meditation — allowing yourself to feel your feelings in the moment. Mindfulness is great for uncovering hidden beliefs that affect your behavior in unsuspecting ways. 

Schuman-Olivier et al. conducted a study on mindfulness at Harvard Medical School, and their findings revealed a strong connection between mindful self-assessments and behavior change.

They write that paying attention and staying curious and kind “allow greater goal-driven control based on values, increased levels of internalized motivation, greater access to intrinsic motivation, and less reliance on stimulus-driven conditioning.”[2]

That is to say, when you practice mindfulness, you feel your feelings without attempting to stifle or judge them, and as a result you become more aware of external influences and better at not letting them control you.

4. Fill your time with something fun

The secret to not overthinking everything is to get busy doing something else. You can become your own worst enemy if you have too much time on your hands. For this reason, it can be really helpful to do something — anything — to get your mind off of things. 

Spend some time with your besties, join a book club, or volunteer with a charity you believe in. Focus on building quality time with your partner, trying new things together and getting to know one another on a deeper level

You’d be surprised at how small some of your problems become when you get outside of your own head and into the world. When this happens, you quickly realize that many of the “problems” in your relationship were just figments of your imagination blown a little too much out of proportion.

Now, of course, if there are some genuine problems in your relationship, that’s another thing; however, sometimes, taking time for yourself can help put things into perspective. 

5. Identify your fears

Fear sucks. It can put you in a tailspin of irrational thought when it rears its ugly head, and that can slam the brakes on your relationship in countless ways, like overthinking everything.

Without pinpointing and highlighting the fears that are causing your relationship anxiety, it will be hard to get peace of mind. But often, you can address your fears just by shining a light on and acknowledging them.

Here are some of the most common fears:

  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear of infidelity or betrayal 
  • Fear that we’re not good enough
  • Fear we won’t be loved
  • Fear of losing attraction
  • Fear of commitment or losing the relationship

Identifying your fears can help you to stop overthinking your relationship. In fact, research suggests that naming your fears may help alleviate them. 

A study at UCLA revealed that verbalizing (giving a name to) your fears can help reduce their intensity. Lieberman et al. explain, “When you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses. . . . Putting our feelings into words helps us heal better.”[3]

So, the next time you’re overthinking your relationship . . . stop. Breathe. Name the feeling and call it out for what it is: a fleeting emotion that’s just passing through.

6. Control the controllables

The reality is you can’t control your partner’s behavior. So, bending yourself into an emotional pretzel over his actions is a lost cause. 

What you can control are your own perception and actions. And honestly? Those two controllables are your secret weapons when it comes to how to stop overthinking your relationship. 

In fact, in his seminal book, The Enchiridion, Greek philosopher Epictetus writes, “We control only our own actions and perceptions. Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, ‘You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be.’”[4]

In other words, you get to determine what your circumstances mean by the story you tell yourself about them.

Part of controlling the controllables means monitoring your self-talk when you feel let down or triggered. So, the next time he accidentally forgets a relationship milestone or fails to compliment you when you got all dolled up, remember that overanalyzing his actions will only create more anxiety.
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Do you agree? What do you think about focusing more on your actions than his?x

Instead, focus on controlling your internal dialogue so your attempts to fix the problem are based on reason rather than anxiety.

7. Talk to a professional

While it’s crucial to clearly communicate with your man, seeking professional help is also a great way to stop overthinking your relationship. 

A therapist or counselor can help you work through any past trauma or grief that may be causing this constant relationship anxiety. And the truth is that — even though he may love you to pieces — your man probably doesn’t know how to help you unpack your emotional baggage. 

Like trying to run a marathon in sandals, he just may not have the right “equipment.” For this reason, talking to a professional could be the next best thing to help you to stop overthinking your relationship. 

Why Do I Overthink So Much in My Relationship? 

Overthinking relationship anxiety can strip the fun out of romance. But more than that, if left unaddressed, it could even result in the end of your relationship. Here are a few common reasons you may be overthinking everything. 

Lack of trust

If you’re constantly on edge, second-guessing your relationship, it could be a lack of trust.

And this can come from numerous places. Maybe it was your upbringing, if you were exposed to infidelity early in life by your parents. Or it could be past negative experiences from previous relationships. Whatever the case, trusting your partner can feel like an uphill battle if you haven’t dealt with that trauma. 

Consciously, you may know that you can’t paint every man with the same brush; however, your emotions aren’t logical. 

So, if you struggle with trusting your partner when there’s no evidence that warrants that kind of suspicion, consider counseling or therapy to help you work through and sort out those hangups.

Insecurity and low self-worth

No judgment here; we all deal with this to some degree. 

However, if insecurity and low self-worth are getting in the way of a healthy relationship, then they should be addressed. Learning to love, value, and accept yourself could be one of the best ways to stop overthinking your relationship. 

And experts agree. In fact, a 2014 study by the American Psychology Association revealed that high self-worth is one of the major variables for relationship satisfaction.

Authors Erol and Orth explain that their findings “suggest that higher initial levels of self-esteem predict a higher initial level of relationship satisfaction, and, more importantly, that positive changes in self-esteem predict positive change in relationship satisfaction.”[5]

So, even if you came into the relationship thinking you’re a trash can, and you find your relationship struggling as a result, if you build up your self-esteem, your relationship can improve as a result.

Unrealistic expectations of your relationship

Movies, TV, and music have brainwashed us to believe an idyllic (and often, unrealistic) view of relationships. 

You often see in these entertainment mediums that once you find “The One,” you’ll magically ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. But the truth is that relationships go beyond “winning over” that special someone. 

In fact, real relationships don’t “officially” start until that honeymoon phase is over. 

If you’re wondering why you’re overthinking your relationship, it may be because you have unrealistic expectations that are not being met. The key is to let go of what Hollywood says a relationship should be and focus on what it actually is. 

The reality is that both of you are flawed people in an imperfect relationship. And the two of you have the shared privilege to improve that relationship through work and commitment. And truth be told, that’s a lot better than a fabricated, make-believe fairy tale anyway!

How to Apologize for Overthinking in a Relationship 

If your overly analytical mind has gotten you into some hot water with your man, sometimes the best solution is a simple apology. Here are a few ways to say sorry.

Take responsibility

If you messed up, you just gotta own it. 

Taking full responsibility for your actions clears the air, relieves the tension in your relationship, and can help heal hurt feelings. For this reason, simply acknowledging where you went wrong and then owning up to it is a great starting point. 

The key here is to apologize authentically; no blame-shifting, noncommittal sorrys, please. 

Communicate how you’ll improve

An apology without change isn’t much of an apology at all — it’s just lip service.

The best way to communicate that your apology means something is to back it up with how you’ll improve. You don’t need to create a spreadsheet with all your behavioral upgrades. Simply letting your man know what you’ll do differently the next time you feel triggered will go a long way. 

It can also be helpful to communicate to him what he could do differently long-term to help reduce your anxious feelings. After all, relationships are a two-way street. 

Actually do it

If you’re serious about taking control of your anxiety and ending your webs of overthinking, you’ll actually do it. You’ll do the work. 

Meditate. Exercise. Work on your hobbies, schedule quality time. If you promise things to your partner and you don’t deliver, the damage to your relationship will be worse than if you haven’t promised anything in the first place.

Signs of Overthinking in a Relationship 

You may not always be aware that you’re overanalyzing your relationship. For this reason, here are a few of the most common indicators. 

Constant need for reassurance

If you find yourself texting your man needy questions like “Do you think I’m pretty?” “Are we okay?” “Why haven’t you texted me back?” or the classic “Do you still love me?” then you’re definitely overthinking things.

This constant need for reassurance may be cute at first, but it can get old really quick, even for the most patient of guys. 

Overeagerness to please

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do nice things for your man. In fact, respecting your partner’s needs in a relationship is crucial; however, like anything, it’s all about balance. If you’re always sacrificing your needs to meet his, that creates a lopsided relationship. 

This overcompensation will eventually cause burnout and resentment on your part and a lack of attraction and respect on his.

Overanalyzing every interaction 

If every verbal exchange turns into an analytical experiment with you dissecting his every word, that’s not a good sign.

It’s normal to go over conversations; everyone does that whether they’re in a relationship or not. However, diving into the nitty-gritty details with a fine-tooth comb to pinpoint the one minor “offense” that makes you come unglued is not a healthy mindset. 

And it’s definitely a sign that you’re overthinking your relationship. 

Conclusion

While it may be challenging at first, practicing how to stop overthinking everything becomes easier over time and eventually you’ll forget you were ever a chronic overthinker.

Ok, maybe not. 

But learning these tips and tricks can save you a lot of pain and heartache, and possibly even your relationship. 

For more information about being in a relationship, check out the link!

FAQs

What causes overthinking in relationships?

Overthinking in relationships is typically caused by insecurity and self-doubt. The more you doubt your own value, the more you’ll think that others doubt it, too. Different types of anxiety can also contribute to overthinking. Talking things out with a friend or therapist can help.

How do I stop overthinking about my boyfriend?

To stop overthinking about your boyfriend, build up your self-worth and internal validation. Spend time with friends and family, engage in your hobbies and interests, and create a life outside of your relationship so that your boyfriend isn’t your sole focus. 

Do overthinkers sabotage relationships?

Yes, overthinkers can sabotage relationships. Their incessant overanalyzing can place unnecessary pressure on not only themselves but their partners as well. This can put a strain on the relationship as a whole and, if the overthinking is not addressed, could end the relationship. It can also help identify areas where a relationship needs work. It all depends on the people involved.

References

1. De Netto, P. M., Quek, K. F., & Golden, K. J. (2021). Communication, the heart of a relationship: Examining capitalization, accommodation, and self-construal on relationship satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 767908.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908 

2. Schuman-Olivier, Z., Trombka, M., Lovas, D. A., Brewer, J. A., Vago, D. R., Gawande, R., Dunne, J. P., Lazar, S. W., Loucks, E. B., & Fulwiler, C. (2020). Mindfulness and behavior change. Harvard Review of Psychiatry 28(6), 371–394.
https://doi.org/10.1097/HRP.0000000000000277

3. Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421-428.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x

4. Epictetus. (2009). Enchiridion. In G. Long (Ed.), The discourses of Epictetus: With the Enchiridion and fragments (E. Carter, Trans., pp. 135–147). Oxford University Press.

5. Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2014). Development of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in couples: Two longitudinal studies. Developmental Psychology, 50(9), 2291–2303.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037370


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  • Alex Brown is a self-improvement freelance writer. He writes blog posts and articles for various companies geared toward personal growth and self-development.

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