Being in a Relationship

11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

Table of Contents

Girl meets boy, girl falls hard. He showers her with compliments and wants her by his side constantly. At first, it’s perfect. 

But soon, he’s telling her what to wear, how to act, and what to do. Not so sweet anymore. To avoid falling into that trap, here are 11 early signs of a controlling man you should NEVER ignore.

Table of Contents

The Early Signs of a Controlling Partner 

1. Love bombing

Love bombing sweeps you off your feet in a whirlwind of affection, only you later realize you’re not in control of where you’re being carried. 

In their publication Love-Bombing: A Narcissistic Approach to Relationship, the authors define love bombing “as the presence of excessive communication at the beginning of a relationship in order to passively obtain power and control over another’s life.”[1]

He may try to overwhelm you with over-the-top affection, compliments, and gifts early on. At first, it feels intoxicating, but after some time it becomes suffocating. 

If you have an anxious attachment style, you’re more vulnerable to love bombing due to a need for reassurance and fear of abandonment, which manipulators quickly exploit.

In movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey’s grand gestures and gifts toward Ana Steele are portrayed as romantic, but don’t be fooled. What looks like intense affection may mask controlling behavior. 

Don’t confuse on-screen fantasy with healthy love. If it feels too much, too soon, it’s a sign to slow down and reassess.

(Trust issues, girl. Trust issues.)

2. Poor relationships and badmouthing people

How a guy talks about others can reveal a lot about his character. If he’s constantly badmouthing his friends, family, or coworkers, calling them “toxic” or always problematic, that’s a serious red flag.

If he complains that every ex-girlfriend is “crazy” or that his family is impossible, it could be a sign that he struggles to take responsibility for his own part in those relationships. 

It’s like Pride and Prejudice’s Mr. Wickham, who sweet-talks Elizabeth Bennet with tales of how Mr. Darcy wronged him. Turns out, he was the problem all along, spinning the story to make himself look better.

When someone is quick to blame others, they’re often trying to control how you see them by washing their hands of the blame. But as the ancient Chinese proverb wisely says, “He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.” 

The more someone points the finger, the farther they are from emotional growth and maturity. And, honestly, it’s only a matter of time before you’ll be the one being badmouthed.

3. Isolation

Isolation is a slow, subtle tactic intending to distance you from your support system — friends, family, or even coworkers. The goal is to isolate and control you to increase your dependency on him and limit your access to other perspectives that might help you see red flags.

In a study published in Violence and Victims, researchers explored how isolation plays a role in abusive relationships by interviewing 75 women who had recently left abusive partners. 

They found that isolation not only heightened emotional dependence but also distorted the victim’s sense of reality. Without the external validation of friends and family, it becomes easier to overlook warning signs and harder to leave.[2]

For example, he might discourage you from seeing certain friends, claiming they’re “toxic,” or get upset when you make plans without him. At first, it seems caring, with subtle guilt-tripping like, “Why would you rather spend time with them than me?” or framing himself as the only one who truly understands you.

It’s a slimy, insidious strategy, which is why it’s so easy to fall for. It feels like love at first, but it’s really about controlling your world.

4. Jealousy and possessiveness

Jealousy is often romanticized in movies and TV shows as possessiveness mistaken for love, but in reality, it’s a sign of insecurity and a controlling personality. Excessive jealousy is not about protecting the relationship — it’s about control.

In the TV show You, Joe Goldberg’s intense jealousy and desire for control are masked as “deep love.” Joe constantly surveils and manipulates those he’s involved with, demonstrating how excessive jealousy can escalate into something much more sinister.

Dr. Robert Leahy, an expert on emotional regulation, in his The Jealousy Cure, explains that excessive jealousy often stems from personal insecurities and fear of abandonment. 

His research shows that individuals with a controlling personality may resort to jealousy as a way to dominate and manipulate their partner’s behavior. This can start with small accusations of flirting or anger when you spend time with friends and can quickly escalate into full-blown control.[3]

If you find yourself constantly adjusting your behavior to avoid provoking his suspicions, you’re dealing with more than simple jealousy. These are clear signs of a controlling personality. What may seem like “caring too much” is actually about restricting your freedom.

5. Aggression

Aggression, whether verbal or physical, is a type of domestic violence and a major red flag. It might start small — sharp tones, road rage, getting into frequent arguments with others — but over time, this behavior can escalate.

A study published in BMC Psychology explores the dynamics of aggression and abuse in romantic relationships, focusing on relational aggression. 

It found that insecure attachment styles, loneliness, and certain personality traits can predict relational aggression — manipulative and controlling behaviors — in romantic relationships. 

This type of aggression often manifests as emotional or psychological abuse, where individuals might engage in harmful behaviors like coercion, guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation.[4]

Unfortunately, the entertainment industry often glorifies abusive behaviors, normalizing them as signs of passion or even desirable traits in romantic partners. 

For instance, the book series A Court of Thorns and Roses portrays men who exhibit borderline abusive behaviors as “safe” because they won’t hurt the heroine. If someone hurts others, it’s only a matter of time before that harm is directed at you. 

It’s time to shift the narrative and reject the idea that harm equals passion. Love shouldn’t hurt — ever.

6. Strong opinions and demands

Having strong opinions is okay, but when a man begins dictating your choices — like how to dress, think, or behave — it’s a sign of control, not respect. Early in a relationship, this may seem harmless, but these are warning signs of a controlling partner. 

Psychologist Dr. Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, explains that controlling people don’t respect boundaries and use manipulation to erode autonomy. 

This erosion of autonomy over time leads to a loss of self-identity, as the controlling person imposes their own will and expectations.[5]

The psychological thriller Sleeping With the Enemy poignantly explores this dynamic. Laura Burney is trapped in a toxic, abusive marriage to her controlling husband, Martin. He micromanages every detail of her life, from how she organizes towels to what she wears, displaying obsessive control and manipulation.

A respectful relationship values both partners’ autonomy. If a guy shows signs of jealousy, makes demands, or uses gaslighting, it’s essential to remind yourself of your worth and set firm boundaries early on.

7. Belittling, nasty, and sarcastic comments

Words have immense power, and when they’re used to belittle or mock, they can slowly chip away at your confidence. Sarcastic or cutting remarks, especially when disguised as “just a joke,” are often early signs that someone will be controlling. 

These comments may start subtly, framed as playful teasing about your appearance, intelligence, or behavior, but the true intent is to undermine your self-esteem. This is particularly concerning because what doesn’t feel like a major issue at first can evolve into a toxic relationship, where control deepens over time. 

In Revolutionary Road, Frank Wheeler belittles his wife April’s dreams of moving to Paris, mocking her aspirations as unrealistic and naive. He consistently undermines her attempts to seek fulfillment beyond their suburban life, which slowly erodes her confidence and contributes to the emotional collapse of their marriage.

Belittling comments like these are often subtle, but they are tools used to control and diminish your self-worth. 

If your partner’s words make you question your value early on, it’s more than just teasing — it’s a warning sign that you’re entering a toxic relationship, by which your self-esteem will continue to erode over time.

8. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a particularly insidious way of controlling someone by making them question their own reality. If you’re dating a controlling person, you’ll likely start to notice signs that your partner is manipulating your perceptions. 

Early on in the relationship, it might seem subtle, like when he denies things that happened or accuses you of being overly sensitive. Over time, however, gaslighting makes you doubt your memory, your emotions, and even your self-esteem.

This tactic is commonly used by controlling people, especially those with personality disorders, as a way of maintaining control in the relationship. 

As Dr. Robin Stern explains in The Gaslight Effect, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse designed to make you feel off balance, leaving you reliant on the abuser’s version of events.[6]

If your partner starts making decisions on your behalf or distorts reality to suit his needs, it’s a major red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship.

Gaslighting doesn’t feel like love — it’s a clear sign of bad behavior and an attempt to erode your sense of self.

9. Intimidation and threats

Intimidation is an early sign of coercive control, a form of abuse designed to instill fear and maintain dominance in a relationship. It often manifests as verbal threats, aggressive posturing, or emotional blackmail. 

For example, a partner might raise their voice during arguments, use threatening gestures, or say things like, “If you leave, I’ll hurt myself,” to manipulate your emotions and make you feel trapped.

Dr. Evan Stark, in his book Coercive Control, outlines how intimidation functions as a critical component of coercive control, where the abuser creates a sense of fear to undermine the victim’s autonomy and self-worth. 

Stark’s research shows that coercive control extends beyond physical abuse, using threats and manipulation to create a climate of fear. Over time, this leads to a feeling of entrapment, where victims doubt their ability to make decisions without facing emotional or physical retaliation.

It doesn’t feel like abuse at the outset, but the erosion of personal safety and self-esteem signals a toxic relationship.[7

If you’re walking on eggshells or holding back out of fear in a new relationship, it’s a major red flag. This behavior won’t get better with time — it’s likely to intensify as the controlling person gains more power.

10. Constant monitoring

A controlling person might try to monitor your every move. 

This starts innocuously — like asking who you’re with or wanting to know your whereabouts — but it escalates quickly. Soon, you might feel like you’re being watched all the time, as though you have to report back to him. 

Dr. Leslie Vernick, in The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, explains that monitoring a partner’s actions is a tactic used to limit their freedom and increase emotional dependency.[8]

If a guy constantly checks your phone, questions your social media activity, or demands regular updates on your day, it’s not about “caring” — it’s about control. 

Relationships should be built on mutual trust, not surveillance. If he can’t give you space, it’s time to step back.

11. Trust your instincts

Sometimes, the biggest red flag isn’t what he says or does — it’s that little voice inside you, quietly telling you something feels off. 

Maybe it’s the way he reacts when you spend time with friends or how he dismisses your opinions in subtle ways. Whatever it is, your instincts are picking up on it. 

Gavin de Becker, author of The Gift of Fear, explains that our gut feelings act like an internal alarm system, sensing danger long before our rational minds can catch up.

He emphasizes that these instincts are rooted in survival and should never be ignored, especially in relationships where subtle red flags might be easy to dismiss.[9]

So, if you feel uneasy, don’t brush it off, it’s your inner alarm ringing loud and clear. Trust that instinct; it’s often spot-on.

How Are Controlling Men Made?

First things first, controlling behaviors fall on a spectrum, and while we all exhibit some controlling tendencies — especially when we’re stressed, tired, or feel threatened — it’s the intensity and combination of these behaviors over time that determine whether a partner will turn out to be toxic. 

Not every display of control is a red flag; sometimes it’s a yellow flag that signals the need for an honest conversation or adjustments. After all, nobody’s perfect, and as the saying goes, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Controlling men aren’t born — they’re shaped by a complex blend of psychological, social, and emotional factors. While understanding the roots of these behaviors doesn’t excuse them, it helps us comprehend how these patterns develop. 

Carl Jung’s concept of the “shadow” explains this well. The shadow represents the unconscious parts of ourselves that we suppress, often due to societal pressures or past trauma. 

For some men, feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness get buried, and instead of confronting them, they project these emotions onto their partners, seeking control as a way to regain a false sense of power.[10]

While this helps explain the making of a controlling man, it’s important to remember that acknowledging these roots doesn’t justify the behavior. 

Change requires self-awareness, a willingness to confront these deep-seated issues, and a commitment to healthier relationship dynamics.

Why Are Some Men Controlling?

Insecurity and fear of abandonment

One of the main reasons men become controlling is rooted in insecurity and a deep fear of abandonment. For many, controlling behaviors are a way to avoid feeling powerless in relationships, leading them to micromanage their partner’s life.

John Bowlby’s attachment theory explains that individuals with insecure attachment styles — whether anxious or avoidant — may develop these behaviors as a way to manage their fear of abandonment or emotional closeness.[11] 

Essentially, it’s a defense mechanism to keep their partner from leaving or to control how much emotional intimacy they share.

Toxic masculinity

Cultural norms around masculinity also play a significant role in why some men become controlling. 

Toxic masculinity, which emphasizes dominance, emotional suppression, and control, can cause men to equate their self-worth with the amount of power they exert over others. 

This framework teaches that vulnerability is a weakness, so instead of expressing emotions in healthy ways, some men seek control in their relationships. 

Michael Flood, in Engaging Men and Boys in Violence Prevention, discusses how cultural expectations of masculinity push men toward dominance as a way to maintain power, rather than embracing vulnerability.[12]

Early childhood experiences

Childhood environments can deeply influence how someone behaves in relationships later in life. Men who grow up in households where control, aggression, or emotional manipulation are common often unconsciously repeat those behaviors in their adult relationships. 

Developmental psychologist Dan Siegel, in his work The Developing Mind, explores how early relational experiences shape the brain and influence later behavior patterns. 

When children witness controlling or abusive behavior between caregivers, they often internalize it as a normal part of relationships, repeating these dynamics without fully realizing their harm.[13]

How to Turn the Tables on a Controlling Man

Recognize and acknowledge controlling behavior

Realizing you’re in a controlling relationship can be tough, especially when the signs of abuse sneak up on you. But the first step to taking back your life is acknowledging the problem. 

Keeping a journal can be helpful — it gives you clarity and a record of those moments when things didn’t feel quite right. Writing down behaviors helps you see the bigger picture, and once you do, it becomes easier to address the situation head-on. 

This isn’t about overreacting — it’s about seeing the truth clearly and empowering yourself to make changes.

Establish and enforce personal boundaries

Boundaries are your emotional survival tool kit in a controlling relationship. Without them, your sense of self can be eroded by someone else’s demands. 

Clearly define your limits — whether it’s needing alone time, maintaining friendships, or controlling your own decisions — and communicate them assertively. 

By setting clear expectations, you signal that your needs matter and deserve respect. Practicing assertive communication can help you stand firm without escalating conflict, showing that you won’t be pushed around.

Build a strong support network

Controlling partners often try to isolate you, and it’s not by accident. 

They want to be the only voice in your ear, making it harder for you to see things clearly. Reconnecting with friends, family, or even finding a support group can help you rebuild your sense of self. 

The more people you have around who genuinely care about you, the stronger you’ll feel — and the harder it’ll be for anyone to control you. Having that outside perspective is crucial because they remind you of who you are and what you deserve.

Enhance your self-esteem

One of the first things to take a hit in a controlling relationship is your self-esteem. The more someone chips away at your confidence, the harder it becomes to stand up for yourself. That’s why rebuilding your self-worth is crucial. 

Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself — whether that’s pursuing hobbies, achieving personal goals, or simply spending time with positive people. 

Self-esteem is closely tied to overall mental health and resilience. The stronger you feel inside, the less likely you are to tolerate manipulation.

Practice assertive communication

Communicating assertively is key to turning the tables on a controlling partner. This means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and confidently, without being aggressive. 

Using “I” statements like “I feel” or “I need” ensures that you’re expressing your emotions without blaming the other person, which keeps the conversation productive. 

Being able to communicate effectively gives you a voice in the relationship and reduces your partner’s power to manipulate or control.

Seek professional counseling

There’s no shame in reaching out for professional help when dealing with controlling behavior. 

A therapist can offer an outside perspective and provide strategies for navigating the complex emotions that come with such a relationship. 

Sometimes, talking to a trained professional is exactly what you need to see things clearly and decide your next steps. 

Finding a therapist who specializes in relationship dynamics can be a game-changer in regaining control.

Educate yourself about healthy relationships

When you’re in a controlling relationship, you get so used to seeing red flags that you forget what green flags look like.

That’s why it’s so important to educate yourself about the key principles of a healthy relationship. Read books, listen to podcasts, or talk to people in positive relationships about what balance and respect look like. 

The more you understand what you deserve, the more empowered you’ll be to demand better from the people in your life.

Consider ending the relationship

Sometimes, despite his best efforts, controlling behavior doesn’t change. 

When this happens, prioritizing your own well-being is crucial, even if it means ending the relationship. Staying in a toxic situation can have long-lasting effects on your mental and emotional health. 

Leaving an abusive relationship is often the healthiest choice. It’s not an easy decision, but with a strong support network and professional help, you can safely navigate this step and regain control over your life.

Conclusion

Recognizing the early signs of a controlling man is crucial for safeguarding your emotional well-being. From subtle criticisms to isolating you from loved ones, these behaviors shouldn’t be ignored. Trust your instincts and take action early to prevent deeper emotional manipulation and protect your sense of self.

For more details on relationship abuse and being in a relationship, take a look at the link!

FAQs

Is he controlling or just insecure?

He is controlling because he is insecure. It’s not an either-or situation — controlling behavior comes from insecurity. A controlling boyfriend may act out of fear, using manipulation to control the relationship. If you feel guilty or confused by his actions, it’s likely that his insecurity is manifesting as controlling behavior.

Is he caring or controlling?

Controlling may often seem like “caring,” but how you feel about it is key. True caring behavior feels supportive and respects your autonomy. A controlling guy, however, disguises his control as “care,” making decisions for you or intruding on your time with others. Warning signs of controlling behavior include ignoring clear boundaries and isolating you from loved ones. If his actions limit your freedom and choices, it’s a sign he’s controlling, not caring.

Does a controlling person know they are controlling?

A controlling person may not fully recognize their controlling, manipulative behavior. They justify their actions as “caring” or “protecting,” but these are subtle signs of controlling behavior. Early red flags include wanting to control who you spend time with or gaslighting to make you feel confused in the relationship.

How do you spot a control freak?

Spotting a controlling person involves noticing early warning signs like possessiveness, making decisions without consulting you, or restricting your time with loved ones. A control freak’s behavior is often manipulative, making you feel guilty or as if their needs should always come first. Alarm bells should ring if their behavior feels intrusive.

What makes a man possessive and controlling?

A controlling and possessive man might have self-esteem issues or feel a need to control to avoid losing the relationship. Signs of possessiveness include jealousy, restricting your independence, and trying to isolate you from people in your life. If you notice these signs early on, it’s a signal to proceed with caution.

References

1. Strutzenberg, C. C. (2016). Love-bombing: A narcissistic approach to relationship formation [Bachelor’s thesis, University of Arkansas]. ScholarWorks.
https://scholarworks.uark.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1000&context=hdfsrsuht&httpsredir=1&referer=

2. Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.
https://doi.org/10.1891/0886-6708.8.2.105

3. Leahy, R. L. (2015). The jealousy cure: Learn to trust, overcome possessiveness, and save your relationship. New Harbinger Publications.

4. Aricioglu, A., Kaya, S. (2023). Abusive behaviours in relationships, need satisfaction, conflict styles and relationship satisfaction: Mediation and moderation roles. BMC Psychology, 11, 160.
https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-023-01202-6

5. Evans, P. (2010). The verbally abusive relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond (3rd ed.). Adams Media.

6. Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony.

7. Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.

8. Vernick, L. (2007). The emotionally destructive relationship: Seeing it, stopping it, surviving it. Harvest House Publishers.

9. de Becker, G. (1997). The gift of fear: Survival signals that protect us from violence. Little, Brown and Company.

10. Jung, C. G. (1968). Aion: Researches into the phenomenology of the self (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1951).

11. Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books.

12. Flood, M. (2015). Engaging men and boys in violence prevention. Palgrave Macmillan.

13. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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