If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do I get attached so easily?” you’re not alone. As a recovering quick-attacher myself, I understand the struggle all too well.
Let’s explore the psychology behind these fast-forming bonds and examine 8 compassionate strategies to help keep your heart from sprinting ahead of your head.
Key Takeaways
- Attachment is the emotional bond we form early in relationships. The four types — secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — shape how we connect as adults.
- Knowing your attachment style helps break old patterns, allowing you to build relationships based on self-awareness and emotional stability, not fear.
- If you get attached quickly to people you barely know, it could be linked to anxious attachment, fear of abandonment, loneliness, or romantic idealization.
- Building emotional independence, setting boundaries, and practicing self-validation can help you avoid quick attachments and create healthier, more secure relationships.
Why Do I Get Attached So Easily
Anxious attachment style
If you’re unfamiliar with attachment theory, it explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape how we bond with others later in life (more on that later).
When it comes to getting attached too easily, understanding anxious attachment is crucial.
An attachment style develops when caregivers are inconsistent in meeting a child’s needs — sometimes they’re responsive, other times they’re absent — leaving the child feeling like they need to get as much love and attention as they can when it’s available.
Our need for closeness and intimacy is one of the most basic human needs, and when that connection feels threatened, we tend to cling. You’ll probably never look at clinginess the same way again, will you?
Research published in Current Opinion in Psychology explains that individuals with anxious attachment tend to bond quickly due to their heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment.[1]
Anxious individuals often feel the need for constant affirmation to calm their anxiety. Your heart is always on high alert, desperately trying to secure love and attention before it fades away. Just like it did in childhood.
But here’s the thing: You didn’t have control over your early childhood environment. And while it can feel overwhelming now, simply becoming aware of these patterns is a huge first step.
Fear of abandonment
In her book Love Me, Don’t Leave Me, Dr. Michelle Skeen writes that if “someone important to you . . . may have been away frequently or for long periods of time, been with you inconsistently or unpredictably, loved you conditionally, was disconnected, left you alone, moved away, or died . . . any of these scenarios (and more) could leave you feeling disconnected, alone — abandoned.”[2]
Fear of abandonment is tightly correlated with an anxious attachment style. It’s more than just feeling uneasy about losing someone, it’s a deep-rooted fear that can overshadow even the most rational decisions.
Just like with anxious attachment, those with a fear of abandonment tend to form quick, intense emotional bonds, desperate to secure a sense of safety and love.
This overwhelming need for security can cause people to misinterpret small gestures — like a kind word or casual attention — as signs of deep emotional commitment.
Just like with anxious attachment, you’re navigating deep-seated patterns here, so understanding where this fear comes from can help you heal.
Loneliness
Loneliness is a powerful attachment accelerator.
When you’re lonely, every interaction with a new person can feel more meaningful than it actually is. But it’s just clutching at straws.
A 2015 article from the Annual Review of Psychology explains that loneliness is a complex emotional state where we perceive a gap between the social connections we crave and what we actually have.[3] Chronic loneliness can heighten our need for connection, sometimes leading us to view new relationships as a quick escape from isolation.
In the desire for companionship, we might start seeing gestures that are simple politeness as signs of something deeper, misinterpreting a small spark of interest as a potential romantic flame.
Our need for belonging is a powerful driver, but when you cling to someone just to avoid being alone, you may end up creating more pain. I know it’s hard to feel lonely, but staying with the wrong person or someone who doesn’t understand you will only deepen that sense of loneliness over time.
Codependency
If you lose your sense of self in relationships, constantly seeking approval, you may be dealing with codependency.
Pia Mellody, the absolute authority on the subject, in her groundbreaking book Facing Codependence, states that codependence is rooted in childhood experiences where healthy boundaries weren’t formed. When children are expected to take on emotional responsibilities beyond their years, they grow up feeling that their worth depends on fulfilling others’ needs.[4]
In adulthood, this pattern manifests as forming quick, intense attachments to others in a desperate attempt to feel needed and validated.
Mellody explains that codependent individuals often confuse love with caretaking and sacrifice, mistakenly believing that their happiness is directly tied to another person’s presence and approval.[5]
This can make it easy to mistake attachment for love, especially when you’re constantly putting others’ needs above your own.
So, if you often find yourself getting attached too easily or prioritizing someone else’s well-being over your own, it’s worth asking: Am I attaching for love or validation?
Hookup culture
In today’s hookup culture, casual sex is often marketed as light entertainment. But for people on the anxious end of the attachment spectrum, it’s anything but. It’s more like emotional skydiving without a parachute.
Sex, for many, becomes a fast track to intimacy — a shortcut that avoids the slow, vulnerable process of truly getting to know someone. While securely attached people tend to build emotional bonds before physical intimacy, those with an anxious attachment may rush into sex on the first date, hoping it will quickly cement a connection.
Our bodies, especially as women, are hardwired to form attachments through sex. Evolutionarily speaking, this made sense; in the early days of humankind, attaching to a mate ensured survival through pregnancy and child-rearing.[6]
But today, that hormonal cocktail, combined with a history of emotional abandonment, can make you feel like the guy you hooked up with on Saturday night is the love of your life even if you don’t know his last name. Classic anxious attachment behavior.
People often confuse sexual intimacy with emotional closeness, using it as a substitute when they fear true vulnerability. Sex becomes the primary way to connect, offering a temporary illusion of closeness leaving those with anxious attachment craving for more.
Romantic idealization
Most of us were fed a steady diet of romantic fairy tales growing up — the idea of finding “the one,” a twin flame, a soul mate, or that second half. We were led to believe in an escapist fantasy: Once the right person shows up, everything will magically fall into place, and you’ll never feel sad or alone again.
Romantic idealization involves seeing a partner through a fantastical lens, attributing them with all sorts of ideal qualities they might not actually possess. It’s like casting someone in a role without auditioning them first, just because they look good in the part you’ve written for them.
A study featured in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reveals that people who idealize their partners often experience more intense feelings of love. But this heightened attachment can also lead to forming quick and sometimes unrealistic emotional bonds.[7]
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself drawn to the intense emotions and fantasy of an idealized partner, as it feels like a quick fix to your deeper fears of abandonment and insecurity.
Narcissists prey on empathy
Sometimes, it’s not you — it’s them.
Narcissists have a knack for making you feel uniquely special, only to leave you emotionally devastated once they’ve got you hooked. They exploit your empathy, deftly pressing your attachment buttons to ensure you’re bending over backward for their approval.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, in her book Should I Stay or Should I Go? highlights how narcissists often target empathetic individuals, feeding off their craving for validation.[8]
Narcissists are adept at creating intense but fleeting relationships, pulling you in with a whirlwind of attention and affection, then settling you into an emotionally abusive relationship.
It’s a pattern that turns genuine emotional investment into a tool for manipulation, leaving you grappling with the aftermath of their charm and deceit. Recognizing this behavior can help you protect your heart and navigate relationships with a more discerning eye.
How to Not Get Attached to a Guy
Develop a secure attachment style
If you feel like you get attached to people too quickly, developing a secure attachment style is your way out. It’s all about building emotional independence and confidence in yourself first, rather than looking for validation from a partner.
So, how do you do that? Start with small, practical steps.
Prioritize you by investing time in things that make you feel good about yourself — whether it’s hitting the gym, pursuing that long-lost hobby, or setting personal career goals.
This helps strengthen your self-worth, making it easier to enter relationships from a place of emotional stability, not desperation.
When you feel more complete on your own, the need to cling will naturally fade.
Diversify your emotional investments
Here’s the truth: No one person should be your everything.
Putting all your emotional eggs in one basket often leads to quick attachment and disappointment. Instead, spread the love around.
Invest time in your friendships, family, and personal interests. Take that weekend trip with friends, dive into that passion project, or simply grab coffee with a colleague.
The more diverse your emotional investments, the less pressure you’ll put on any one person — especially a guy — to meet all your needs.
Plus, having a broader support system makes you more emotionally resilient and less likely to get swept away by a new romance. You’ll feel more grounded and in control, which is a recipe for healthier relationships.
Focus on self-validation
Learning to validate yourself is one of the most empowering things you can do.
Instead of looking to a guy to tell you you’re beautiful or smart, make it a point to recognize your own worth.
Start with daily affirmations or take time at the end of the week to celebrate what you’ve accomplished — whether it’s crushing that work presentation or sticking to a fitness routine. The more you acknowledge your own value, the less you’ll seek it from others.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows that people who practice self-compassion tend to have healthier relationships because they’re not constantly looking for external approval.[9]
So give yourself a pat on the back — you deserve it!
Take time to get to know someone
We’ve all been there, swept up in the excitement of a new romance, only to realize later you didn’t actually know the person as well as you thought.
To avoid getting attached too quickly, hit the brakes.
Instead of idealizing a new guy based on a few cute texts, focus on getting to know who he really is. Take your time, and let the affection grow organically.
Plan low-key activities that encourage conversation, like coffee dates or walks in the park, where you can learn more about each other’s values, interests, and goals.
Relationships built on mutual understanding take time, and slowing down gives you a clearer sense of whether this person is truly a good match.
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is your best friend when it comes to managing emotional reactions.
By staying present in the moment and observing your feelings without acting on them impulsively, you’ll have a clearer perspective on your emotions.
When you notice yourself getting overly excited about a new connection, pause and check in with yourself. Are you rushing into things? Are your feelings based on reality or the fantasy of what you hope this person will be?
By regularly practicing mindfulness — whether through meditation, yoga, or simply taking deep breaths when you feel anxious — you’ll be able to stay grounded and approach relationships with a calm, clear head.
Create emotional boundaries
Healthy relationships thrive on boundaries.
Setting emotional boundaries means being clear about what you need and where your limits are, both for yourself and for the guy you’re seeing.
Listen to yourself and communicate openly with your partner about your needs and what you’re comfortable with, whether it’s pacing the relationship or setting limits on how much time you spend together early on.
Psychotherapist Terri Cole emphasizes that boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional well-being. Establishing them helps you stay grounded in your own self-worth rather than losing yourself in a new relationship.[10]
So, if you notice yourself becoming too emotionally invested too soon, take a step back.
Stop idealizing potential partners
It’s easy to get caught up in imagining the perfect future with someone after just a few dates but idealizing a guy can lead to disappointment when reality doesn’t match up.
Instead of mentally fast-forwarding to the “happily ever after,” try to see the person for who they are right now. Ask questions, pay attention to his behavior, and avoid making assumptions based on early interactions.
People reveal themselves over time, so stay curious and observant, rather than rushing to make judgments or casting them as the ideal partner.
By keeping your expectations grounded in reality, you can avoid forming quick attachments based on fantasies.
Recognize red flags early
Red flags are those pesky little signs that something might be off, and learning to spot them early can save you a lot of heartache.
If you find yourself brushing aside behaviors that make you uncomfortable, pause and listen to your gut. Does he cancel plans last minute? Act distant when things get serious? Avoid commitment conversations? Trust your instincts and address any concerns right away.
By recognizing red flags early on, you prevent yourself from becoming emotionally attached to someone who might not be right for you.
Relationships are about mutual respect, and addressing issues from the start is a key part of building that.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between people, particularly between infants and their primary caregivers.
This bond shapes how we relate to others throughout life. According to Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of the iconic book Attached, these early experiences are critical in forming our “attachment system,” which is responsible for how we connect with others in adulthood.[11]
John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, defined attachment as a lasting psychological connection, rooted in our biological need for security and safety.[12]
Essentially, attachment is your emotional blueprint, it determines how you navigate intimacy, closeness, and dependency in relationships.
Types of attachment
Most psychologists agree that there are four attachment styles:
Secure attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They trust their partners, communicate openly, and handle conflicts in a balanced way.
Levine and Heller in Attached emphasize that secure individuals don’t feel anxious when their partner isn’t around and can express their needs and desires clearly. This attachment style leads to stable, healthy relationships, where both partners feel valued and supported
Anxious attachment
Anxiously attached individuals have an intense need for closeness and constantly worry about their partner’s love or commitment. They may experience frequent bouts of jealousy or insecurity, often seeking reassurance from their partner.
This attachment style typically results from early caregiving experiences where affection or attention was inconsistent, leading to a constant fear of abandonment in adult relationships
Avoidant attachment
Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to prioritize independence over intimacy and often feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. They may appear distant or emotionally unavailable in relationships.
Levine and Heller explain that avoidantly attached individuals have learned to suppress their emotional needs as a way to protect themselves from potential rejection, keeping their partners at a distance to maintain control over their emotional world.[13]
Disorganized attachment
In adult relationships, individuals with disorganized attachment often alternate between seeking closeness and fearing intimacy. This stems from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving, where caregivers were both sources of comfort and fear. As a result, these adults may struggle with trust, and emotional regulation, and experience unpredictable, conflicted relationship patterns.[14]
Conclusion
If you’ve wondered, “Why do I get attached so easily?” it often stems from past experiences and unmet emotional needs. By understanding your attachment style, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can create healthier relationships, allowing love to grow naturally without the rush of early attachment.
Curious to learn more about being in a relationship? We’ve got a whole page dedicated to it—check out our page here.
FAQs
Why do I fall in love so easily?
Falling in love easily may be linked to an anxious attachment style, where individuals seek emotional connection and reassurance. This can stem from underlying emotional needs, such as fear of abandonment or a craving for intimacy.
Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?
Feeling drawn to someone you barely know can occur due to idealization, where you project desired traits onto a new person. Emotional attachment can form quickly when there’s a need for human connection or when seeking validation.
Is it bad to get emotionally attached easily?
Getting emotionally attached easily isn’t inherently bad, but it can lead to overly attached behavior if boundaries are not set. It may indicate underlying emotional issues, like a fear of rejection or seeking validation.
How to break an unhealthy attachment?
Breaking an unhealthy attachment requires establishing healthy boundaries, shifting focus toward self-worth, and addressing emotional voids. It helps to recognize anxious tendencies and practice self-love.
What is the unhealthiest attachment style?
There is no “unhealthiest attachment style.” Only secure attachment is considered better, since it’s the goal. The key is to understand your attachment style — whether it’s anxious, avoidant, or disorganized — and how it influences your behavior in relationships. Once you recognize your tendencies, you can work on building healthier habits and approach love with greater self-awareness.
References
1. Simpson, J. A. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
2. Skeen, M. (2014). Love me, don’t leave me: Overcoming fear of abandonment and building lasting, loving relationships. New Harbinger Publications.
3. Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., Capitanio, J. P., & Cole, S. W. (2015). The neuroendocrinology of social isolation. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 733–767. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010814-015240
4. Mellody, P. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Harper & Row.
5. Mellody, P. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Harper & Row.
6. Howes, L. (Host). (2024, June 17). We attract people based on psychological wounds — #1 neuroscientist explains how to manifest love [Audio podcast episode]. In School of Greatness. Spotify. https://open.spotify.com/episode/3iXPkZOwzBeWcpqY8NsSWu?si=0tbeomxBTJq4I4bgx8ZfXQ&nd=1&dlsi=07708124501a4f72
7. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1155–1180. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.6.1155
8. Durvasula, R. (2021). Should I stay or should I go? A guide to knowing if your relationship can—and should—be saved. Per Capita Publishing.
9. Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins.
10. Cole, T. (2021). Boundary boss: The essential guide to talk true, be seen, and (finally) live free. Per Capita Publishing.
11. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
12. Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
13. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
14. Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2008). Attachment disorganization: Genetic factors, parenting contexts, and developmental transformation from infancy to adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed., pp. 666–697). The Guilford Press.
