We’ve all had an awkward moment or two on a first date. You’re trying to impress, but instead, you catch yourself talking nonstop or, even worse, freezing up and not knowing what to say next.
I promise, there’s hope for you yet!
Even if it’s been a long time since you ruled the dating scene, follow these tips for what not to do on a first date and set the stage for a promising new relationship.
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways
- A first date is all about getting to know each other, having fun, and building a connection. It’s your chance to see if there’s potential for a future together.
- The best thing you can do on a first date is simply be yourself. Strive to be genuine, authentic, and confident.
- A first date should be a positive experience for both parties. So, try to avoid negative topics or uncomfortable situations and focus on light-hearted conversations.
- Ask your date open-ended questions and show genuine interest in their hobbies and goals. This will allow you to connect over shared interests and build a meaningful connection.
What Not to Do on a First Date
First dates are no walk in the park (well, unless your first date is a literal walk in the park, I suppose). Sometimes, it feels like you’re navigating a minefield (not a good idea for a first date), where one wrong move can turn the night into a full-on disaster.
Well, you’re about to find out once and for all what you should avoid doing or talking about on a first date.
It won’t be long before you’re a dating scene expert, with all your embarrassing moments firmly in the past.
Here’s what not to do on a first date.
1. Overshare personal information
While it’s okay to be open and honest in relationships, there’s a fine line between honesty and oversharing.
You don’t want to overshare details too soon in a relationship. It can make things awkward and overwhelming for your date.
Instead, keep some mystery and let the conversation flow naturally.
Avoid talking about heavy topics and intimate details, like past relationship traumas, financial struggles, or family issues.
This can be particularly challenging if you recently got out of a long-term relationship, since it might feel natural to discuss your past experiences.
But just think about how it would make you feel if your date started talking all of a sudden about, for example, how their ex cheated on them and shattered their trust in humanity.
Not exactly first-date material, right?
Trust me, there will be plenty of time to reveal your quirks and oddities — just not all at once!
For now, it might be better to focus on lighter, more positive stories and build up to the deeper stuff as you get to know each other better.
You can talk about your favorite restaurants, funny pet stories, or interesting travel adventures. These kinds of topics keep the mood light and enjoyable.
Remember, a first date is all about having fun, not unloading your emotional baggage.
2. Be rude to service staff
Another mood killer on a first date is for sure being rude — to anyone, but especially service workers. For most people, this is a deal breaker, so you want to ensure you’re polite and respectful to everyone you encounter during your date.
According to Dustin Wood, assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, “Your perceptions of others reveal so much about your own personality.”[1] You don’t want your actions to imply that you perceive others as inferior.
Your behavior reveals important aspects of your character and values, and your date is likely paying attention to how you interact with waitstaff, strangers, or even how you deal with small mishaps.
For instance, some examples of rude behavior you should avoid are snapping fingers at the server, speaking condescendingly about them, or failing to say “please” and “thank you.” These actions make you come across as arrogant, which is not the first impression you want to make on a first date.
Instead, be kind and appreciative. Show that you value others’ time and effort, regardless of their job or position.
It’s important to treat everyone with kindness and respect in every aspect of life, not just on dates. A positive attitude will attract positive experiences.
3. Constantly check your phone
Here’s one problem for the modern age of dating: the constant urge to check your phone.
I mean, it’s not just on dates — this kills the mood even when you’re grabbing coffee with your friends.
Nobody likes to spend time with someone who’s constantly checking their phone or scrolling through social media. It makes them feel unimportant or uninteresting.
In a 2021 article published in the journal Heliyon, researchers Garrido et al. argue, “The excessive use of smartphones while accompanied by other people has negative social consequences for users. So much so that this . . . behavior has given rise to a new concept known as ‘phubbing.’”
They go on to describe phubbing as being “to the detriment of the satisfaction of relationships and feelings of personal well-being.”[2]
The fact that this phenomenon even has its own portmanteau speaks volumes about the severity of the issue and its significance within our zeitgeist.
Do yourself a favor and put your phone on mute or turn off your notifications for the duration of your date.
Show that you’re fully present and genuinely interested in getting to know them.
4. Talk excessively about your ex
Even if you just got out of a serious relationship or recently finalized your divorce, bringing up the topic of your ex on a first date is a big no-no.
It’s normal to feel hurt or betrayed after a bad breakup, but talking excessively about it can be a major turnoff and ruin your date.
You’ll likely come across as a heartbroken soul with unresolved issues or emotional baggage, which isn’t exactly sexy or appealing at the beginning of a relationship. They might lose interest in getting to know you better if all they hear about is your past drama.
But if the topic of past relationships does come up, you don’t have to ignore it completely, or even worse, lie to your date. Instead, keep it casual and mature.
Acknowledge it briefly and then change the subject.
Focus on what you’ve learned from those relationships. Show appreciation for the past and, most importantly, respect for your ex-partner.
If you’re mature about your previous relationships, your date will think much more of you, and you’ll leave a better impression.
Shift the focus back to the present moment as soon as you can to show your date that you’re eager about new life experiences.
Be excited about getting to know them instead of appearing stuck in the past.
5. Get drunk
You may be tempted to indulge in liquid courage on a first date, especially if you’re nervous, but be careful not to overdo it. Excessive drinking is not a good look and may lead to embarrassing behavior.
Sure, it can make you feel more relaxed, but it often comes at a price.
You risk behaving inappropriately, talking excessively about inappropriate topics, or worse, making a fool of yourself.
Remember that it’s not just about you. You’re not alone on your date but with another person, so be mindful of their comfort levels when it comes to alcohol.
Drinking responsibly is not just classy; it shows you care about leaving a good impression.
So, know your limits, enjoy a drink or two, but keep a clear head so you can both have a good time.
6. Bring up controversial topics
Another thing you definitely want to avoid is stirring the pot with controversial topics.
Sure, you want to know the other person as much as possible, and yes, their political and religious views play a big role in this, but trust me, it’s better to save it for later.
Bringing up controversial topics like politics, religion, or any divisive social issues can create an awkward atmosphere.
When you still don’t know each other that well, this kind of discussion can easily create tension or even lead to arguments.
For now, steer clear of these topics until you have a better understanding of each other’s backgrounds and personalities. It’ll be easier to handle the heavier topics when you’ve built a stronger connection.
The first date is not the most ideal time for heavy debates. Instead, it’s about sharing some laughs, finding common ground, and building a positive connection.
7. Talk only about yourself
Now, here’s an important tip: Don’t make the date all about you.
Nothing kills the vibe faster than one person talking too much about themselves. You’re both there to get to know each other.
So, while your date wants to know you better, it shouldn’t be a monologue. If the conversation is all about your goals, your dreams, your hobbies, then there probably won’t be a second date.
Talking only about yourself can make the other person feel unheard, unimportant, and just plain bored.
Instead, try to express interest in them by asking questions and actively listening to them. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Be present and show genuine interest in your date’s perspective.
Worrying too much about what you’re going to say and how you’ll come across may cause you to talk too much about yourself. It’s important to leave all those worries outside and focus on the present moment with the person you like.
You want to aim for a balanced conversation where both of you have a chance to share your stories, make each other laugh, and connect.
8. Lie or misrepresent yourself
Whatever you do, don’t lie on your first date. There’s no going back after that. Your relationship probably won’t stand any chance if you pretend to be someone you’re not or otherwise misrepresent yourself.
If there’s anything we can learn from couples like Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big and their long on-and-off relationship history, it’s that small lies and deceit can snowball and create a mess, to say the least.
Brian Duffy, a mental health counselor with the Psychiatry and Behavioral Health Learning Network, explains why small lies are never just that. He says, “Small lies that are successful (no consequences, no victims) give the person the courage and the confidence to move ahead with somewhat bigger lies.”[3]
You definitely don’t want to start things out like that and create a false foundation for a potential relationship.
Indeed, a relationship built on lies can never truly be close.
Researchers DePaulo and Kashy report in Interpersonal Relations and Group Processes,
Lying is, by definition, an inauthentic communication; as such, it cannot serve the need for genuine relatedness. When people lie about who they really are and how they really feel, they cannot elicit understanding or validation of the person they really believe themselves to be. They also cannot easily serve as targets of secure attachment because people who lie especially often to promote their own needs are unlikely to be trusted to be responsive to other people’s needs.[4]
Give your new relationship the best possible chance by being honest from the get-go. There’s no better feeling than laying it all out there and letting someone appreciate you for exactly who you are.
Conclusion
Now that you know what to do and what not to do on a first date, you’re all set!
You want to ask open-ended questions and actively listen to get to know them better. Talk about fun things like hobbies, funny childhood stories, and life goals.
Throw in a few compliments and some flirty looks, and you’ll be well on your way to securing that second date.
Bring your best mood, be yourself, and most importantly, enjoy the moment.
Here’s to finding the Ross to your Rachel!
FAQ Section
What makes a first date awkward?
Several factors can make a first date awkward, such as nervousness, shyness, or lack of chemistry. Setting unrealistic expectations or having mismatched interests can also make a first date awkward.
How long should a first date last?
In general, a first date should last around one to two hours, but there’s no strict rule. The ideal length of a first date depends solely on the individuals and their connection.
How does a good first date end?
A good first date typically ends on a positive note, with both parties feeling fulfilled and excited to see each other again. Ideally, if they had a great time, they would express gratitude and appreciation for each other’s company and ensure the other person feels valued.
References
1. Wake Forest University. (2010, August 3). What you say about others says a lot about you, research shows. ScienceDaily.
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/08/100802165441.htm
2. Garrido, E. C., Issa, T., Esteban, P. G., & Delgado, S. C. (2021). A descriptive literature review of phubbing behaviors. Heliyon, 7(5).
https://www.cell.com/heliyon/pdf/S2405-8440(21)01140-3.pdf
3. Duffy, B. (2019, February 27). How little lies can lead to big trouble. Psychiatry and Behavioral Health Learning Network.
https://www.hmpgloballearningnetwork.com/site/addiction/article/how-little-lies-can-lead-big-trouble
4. DePaulo, B. M., & Kashy, D. A. (1998). Everyday lies in close and casual relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(1), 63–79.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.1.63
5. Hahn, C. M., Campbella, L. J. (2016). Birds of a feather laugh together: An investigation of humour style similarity in married couples. Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 12(3), 406–419.
https://doi.org/10.5964%2Fejop.v12i3.1115
6. Doohan, E. A. M., & Manusov, V. (2004). The communication of compliments in romantic relationships: An investigation of relational satisfaction and sex differences and similarities in compliment behavior. Western Journal of Communication, 68(2), 170–194.
https://doi.org/10.1080/10570310409374795
