Real-life manipulators are seldom as cunning as those in fiction. So, let’s drop the notion that they are some mastermind strategists and not just adult people with coping mechanisms of a small child.
Check out the signs of manipulation and look out for those 16 insidious tactics to avoid getting caught up in an emotional hide-and-seek.
Table of Contents
You feel confused or off-balance
The predominant feeling in manipulative relationships is confusion. One minute you’re confident in your choices and the next you’re wondering if you’re overreacting or being “too sensitive.” It’s not you — it’s a game of making you doubt your perceptions.
You’re apologizing too much
Ever find yourself saying sorry for things that aren’t really your fault? That’s a manipulator’s bingo. They’ll twist situations to make you feel guilty, so you keep apologizing, feeling like you’re constantly in the wrong.
Your boundaries are repeatedly pushed
Manipulators love to test limits. Maybe you’ve set a boundary but they’re constantly nudging it — “Just this once?” or “Why is it such a big deal?” — until your “no” feels like it’s up for negotiation.
You’re always on the defensive
Your life is an emotional courtroom in which you’re constantly defending yourself against things you never did or don’t feel guilty about. Manipulators twist situations so you’re forever explaining yourself, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You’re exhausted from the relationship
Relationships should fill your cup, not drain it dry. If you feel emotionally drained and constantly anxious around them, it’s a huge red flag. Manipulators are self-centered emotional vampires and you deserve better.
You doubt your own reactions
Gaslighting and subtle dismissals have you questioning if your reactions are “too much.” Over time, you start to wonder if you’re the problem, even though it’s their repeated denial of your feelings that’s the real issue.
16 Tactics Manipulators Use
1. Guilt-tripping: Ever had someone make you feel like you’re breaking his heart just for wanting a quiet night to yourself? That’s guilt-tripping — a classic move in the manipulator’s playbook. Manipulators try to control you by making you feel like the “bad guy” for putting yourself first.
Research showed that guilt-trippers love “reminding the other of his or her obligation to a relationship, listing sacrifices one has made for the other, reminding the other of his or her role responsibilities, comparing the other with someone else, and questioning the other.”[1]
If you’re constantly saying sorry for things that aren’t your fault, it might not be about you being a people-pleaser — it could be their power play.
2. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is one of the most bewildering forms of manipulation, leaving you questioning your own memory and reality.
A friend had asked me to water their plants while they were away for a few weeks, but something came up, so I asked my then-boyfriend if he could take care of it. He agreed. When my friends returned, though, they were upset, because some of the plants had died from neglect.
I felt awful and immediately asked my ex, “Did you water the plants?” He looked at me and said, “You never asked me to do that.” I was floored — like, I literally had proof in a voice message.
Anyone who pulls this kind of manipulation isn’t looking out for you.
3. Giving backhanded compliments: “Oh, look who decided to dress up for once!” Sound familiar? Backhanded compliments might seem like a joke, but they’re often meant to undermine you, subtly telling you that you’re just not enough as you are.
These “compliments” chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you second-guessing yourself and feeling like you need to live up to their invisible standards. Anyone who keeps throwing these remarks isn’t interested in seeing you for who you truly are — and that’s a problem.
4. Silent treatment: The silent treatment: somehow both ancient and painfully modern. It starts after a small disagreement, and suddenly, you’re left on read for days without a hint about what went wrong. Instead of talking things out, he’s shut down, using silence as a kind of punishment for your behavior.[2]
It’s a frustrating and confusing cycle in which you find yourself apologizing just to get things back to “normal.” Ironically, the silent treatment can be a twisted attempt at reconnecting — he’s hurt but doesn’t know how to say it, so he retreats, hoping you’ll chase.
Using your love and need for connection as a bargaining chip isn’t fair.
5. Moving the goalposts: Ever feel like whatever you do, it’s never quite enough? One week, he just wishes you’d text him good night. You do it religiously, but next, he’s like, “Well, you could at least call.” Moving the goalposts is a common manipulation tactic — a game where the finish line keeps shifting so you’re always working to meet the next demand.
This constant testing of your love often hides insecurity, like he’s setting you up to fail, reconfirming a belief that “no one really loves him.” If it feels twisted, that’s because it is. Loving someone shouldn’t feel like a test you’re always on the verge of failing.
6. Playing the victim: This one’s tricky because everyone has rough days. But with a manipulator, every day is their rough day, and you’re the one who somehow made it worse. They’re always the misunderstood, wronged soul, and you’re cast as the “mean” one for standing up for yourself.
Bad Men Do What Good Men Dream explores how victimization is used as a manipulation tactic to avoid responsibility and gain sympathy.[3]
It’s all about dodging blame, making you feel like you’re somehow failing them when, really, they’re just controlling the narrative.
7. Withholding affection: Emotional availability? Only when it suits him. Manipulators use affection as a reward and punishment system, withholding it to make a point and giving it when things go their way. Maybe you had a disagreement and you thought things were settled, when suddenly, he skips the good night kiss or avoids snuggling, and you know he’s in one of his moods.
This withholding behavior often signals unspoken resentment. Instead of talking it out, he’s punishing you by pulling back. While it may come from his own struggle with expressing emotions, it’s a hurtful way of handling things, and you don’t have to tolerate this.
8. Dismissing your feelings: Ever heard, “Why are you so sensitive?” Dismissing your feelings is a classic manipulation move that leaves you feeling silly just for having emotions. It’s like they’re subtly rewriting the rules, telling you that your reactions are too much, and slowly making you question your own emotional responses.
People with power often dismiss others’ feelings as a way to assert dominance — manipulators do the same to control and invalidate your reality. When someone repeatedly belittles how you feel, it’s not love, and it’s not your supposed sensitivity that’s the problem. It’s his way of avoiding feelings of guilt.
9. Blame-shifting: In his world, you’re always the problem. When something goes wrong, somehow it always circles back to being your fault, and you’re left apologizing for things he did wrong. This tactic is called blame-shifting, and it’s a common way for narcissistic personalities to protect their self-image.
Studies find that narcissists often shift blame to avoid confronting their own flaws.[4] By flipping situations around, they keep you on the defensive, constantly questioning if you’re in the wrong, even when you’re not. It’s exhausting, it’s toxic behavior, and it’s not your fault.
10. Love-bombing: Love-bombing is like a Harlequin romance come true, perfect for any hopeless romantic who dreams of grand gestures and intense passion.
There’s only one problem: It isn’t real.
He showers you with affection but just as soon as you’re hooked, he withdraws, leaving you craving that initial intensity.
This cycle keeps you addicted, playing on your desire for connection and love. But love-bombing has about as much to do with love as a sofa has with an electric chair — it’s a tactic designed to create dependency, wrapped in a fantasy that only shocks you in the end.
11. Boundary-pushing: Boundary-pushing starts subtly: a small nudge here, a little overstep there, until suddenly, it feels like your limits don’t even exist. They’ll test your “no” in ways that feel innocuous at first, like “Oh, come on, stay just a little longer” when you’re ready to leave or “Just this once” when you’ve already said no.
My friend’s ex insisted on reading her messages, saying, “If you have nothing to hide, why not let me see?” At first, she resisted, saying it was her private space, but he kept pushing, framing her hesitation as distrust.
Eventually, she caved, and soon it became routine — he would check her phone, scroll through her chats, even question her on things he read. By the end, her sense of privacy was gone and her privacy boundaries had been replaced with his urge to control her.
12. Triangulation: Remember in junior high school when Jenny told Susan she was mad at you and then Susan told you? That’s triangulation — a tactic that thrives on pulling a third person into the mix to create confusion, insecurity, or tension. And yes, it belongs in adolescence, not in adult relationships.
In your relationship, triangulation might look like your partner confiding in a friend about your fights, knowing they’ll relay it to you instead of addressing it directly with you. Or they might compare you to an ex, making you feel like you’re falling short. This tactic breeds mistrust, undermines loyalty, and is undeniably toxic and immature.
13. Isolation: Ever heard the Latin maxim divide et impera — divide and rule? That’s isolation in a nutshell. He may start by criticizing your friends: “They don’t care about you like I do” or “They’re toxic.” Bit by bit, he chips away at your support system until you’re left feeling like he’s the only person you can trust.
It’s a classic control tactic, leaving you reliant on him alone, with no one else to turn to when things get tough. This behavior borders on emotional abuse, so keep your friends close and stay mindful of anyone who tries to distance you from your support system.
14. Lying: Why let a little thing like reality get in the way of what he wants? He lies with ease, crafting his own version of the truth to suit his needs. It might start with small exaggerations or omissions but before long, it’s full-blown fabrications. He leaves you questioning your own reality, constantly wondering what’s true and what isn’t.
Lying keeps you off-balance, allowing him to control the narrative — exactly where he wants you. If you catch him in lies that don’t even make sense, it’s a surefire sign of a toxic, manipulative dynamic, and there’s a poor chance of fixing such a relationship.
15. Threats: Threats are the hallmark of overt manipulation — there’s no subtlety, no guessing games, just a straight-up, in-your-face power move. It might start as a veiled comment like, “You’ll regret it if you do that,” or escalate to explicit warnings designed to intimidate and control you.
Threats are all about establishing dominance. If you feel like every disagreement has you calculating risks instead of being open and honest, that’s a massive red flag.
In a healthy relationship, safety — both emotional and physical — should never be conditional. If someone uses threats to keep you in line, it’s not just unhealthy; it’s a sign of a deeply toxic and potentially abusive dynamic.
16. Passive-aggressive behavior: Passive-aggressive behavior is manipulation in disguise — expressing anger or frustration without directly saying it. Instead of openly communicating, he might give you backhanded compliments, “forget” things that are important to you, or sulk until you notice.
It’s meant to convey dissatisfaction while avoiding confrontation, leaving you confused about what went wrong. This behavior keeps you off-balance, making you feel like you have to read between the lines all the time. If everything feels like a subtle dig or a hidden message, it’s a sign of unhealthy manipulation.
Types of Manipulation
Emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation in romantic relationships involves subtle tactics to control a partner, with serious consequences for mental health.[5] Instead of asking directly for what they want, manipulators will make you feel guilty, anxious, or responsible for their feelings to push you into doing things on their terms.
For example, they might act hurt when you set a boundary or give you the silent treatment until you feel pressured to apologize. The goal isn’t open communication; it’s to keep you second-guessing yourself and feeling at fault, even when you’re not.
Emotional manipulation can be subtle, but it can also be overt and brutal. If you’re in a relationship that leaves you emotionally drained and feeling worthless, it may be emotional abuse, and it’s important to explore options for leaving and prioritize your well-being.
Examples: dismissing your feelings, silent treatment, withholding affection
Psychological manipulation
Psychological manipulation is a tactic used to control or influence others by subtly undermining their thoughts and emotions. It often stems from deep insecurity or a need for control.[6]
Manipulators may use these tactics to avoid taking responsibility, protect their own image, or maintain power in a relationship.
They may deny or distort reality to make you question your own perceptions, leaving you unsure of what’s true. They can also accuse you of things they themselves are guilty of, shifting the blame to avoid accountability.
These behaviors are designed to confuse and destabilize you, keeping you dependent on their version of reality and under their control. The emotional toll is exhausting, leaving you second-guessing yourself and your decisions.
Examples: gaslighting, triangulation, guilt-tripping
Verbal manipulation
Verbal manipulation involves using words to control, deceive, or influence someone.[7] This type of manipulation often stems from a desire to maintain power or control in a conversation or relationship. Manipulators may twist facts or exaggerate details to make you question your own perspective or feel inferior.
They might employ charm to disarm you, but the goal is always to subtly dominate or get their way without being direct. These tactics can leave you feeling confused, unsure, and often questioning your own thoughts and feelings.
Examples: backhanded compliments, lying, love-bombing
Covert manipulation
Covert manipulation, an indirect form of psychological influence, comprises attempts to control or sway another individual’s thoughts, feelings, or actions without their awareness.
This can include passive-aggressive behavior, subtle suggestions, or calculated omissions. The manipulator often avoids open communication, instead relying on deceit or indirect methods to exert control while keeping their true intentions concealed.
The primary aim is to influence someone in a way that benefits the manipulator, all while making it difficult for the other person to recognize that they’re being manipulated.
Examples: gaslighting, playing the victim, moving the goalposts
Overt manipulation
Overt manipulation is a direct and obvious attempt to control or influence someone’s behavior, decisions, or feelings. It stems from a desire for immediate control and can be rooted in feelings of entitlement, dominance, or insecurity.
People who use overt manipulation aren’t concerned with hiding their intentions; they openly use forceful methods like threats, intimidation, or persistent boundary violations to get their way. While their actions are easy to spot, they can still be highly intimidating and damaging, especially if they make you feel dependent on them or isolate you from your support network.
Examples: boundary-pushing, isolation, threats
Your Next Steps
The best defense against manipulation is setting boundaries and practicing healthy, honest communication. Simple as that. Keep your limits clear and firm, and resist the urge to engage in their childish tactics.
You may try to fix the relationship if the other side is also willing to do their work, but your job is to protect your peace, not to become one of the Plastics.
Remember, manipulation is a type of relationship abuse.
If attempts to manipulate you continue, it’s time to leave the emotionally abusive relationship. See our guides to ending a relationship for more on how to do that.
FAQs
What are signs of control?
Signs of control include constant monitoring, isolation from friends or family, undermining your confidence, or making decisions on your behalf. Toxic people often exert pressure to maintain dominance, limit independence, or restrict your actions. The goal is to create dependency or imbalance, making it hard for you to exercise autonomy.
What does manipulation feel like?
Manipulation often feels confusing, guilt-inducing, or as though you’re being unfair without understanding why. You might feel pressured into doing things you don’t want to do or doubt your own feelings or thoughts. Manipulators subtly distort situations, often using deceit, emotional blackmail, or guilt-tripping, to bend situations to their favor.
Am I toxic and manipulative?
You may be toxic or manipulative if you habitually disregard others’ boundaries, use guilt to influence people, or require excessive control. Being open to feedback, willing to change, and prioritizing others’ autonomy are key ways to move away from harmful behavior.
What are manipulators afraid of?
Manipulators are often afraid of losing control, being exposed, or experiencing vulnerability. They also dread being held accountable for their actions and fear their partner will leave them. This fear drives them to cling to the relationship, using tactics to keep them emotionally dependent while avoiding true intimacy.
References
1. Vangelisti, A. L., Daly, J. A., & Rudnick, J. R. (1991). Making people feel guilty in conversations: Techniques and correlates. Human Communication Research, 18(1), 3–39. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1991.tb00527.x
2. Buss, D. M., Gomes, M., Higgins, D. S., & Lauterbach, K. (1987). Tactics of manipulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(6), 1219–1229.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.6.1219
3. Simon, R. I. (2008). Bad men do what good men dream: A forensic psychiatrist illuminates the darker side of human behavior. American Psychiatric Publishing.
4. Barry, T. D., Thompson, A., Barry, C. T., Lochman, J. E., Adler, K., & Hill, K. (2007). The importance of narcissism in predicting proactive and reactive aggression in moderately to highly aggressive children. Aggressive Behavior, 33(3), 185–197.
https://doi.org/10.1002/ab.20198
5. Salihagić, D., & Tuce, Đ. (2023). The other side of love: Tactics of emotional manipulation in romantic relationships. Društvene i humanističke studije (Online).
6. Handelman, S. (2009). Thought manipulation: The use and abuse of psychological trickery. Praeger/ABC-CLIO.
7. Sorokina, L. (2018). Communicative and pragmatic level of verbal manipulation. Research Trends in Modern Linguistics and Literature, 1, 135–146.
https://doi.org/10.29038/2617-6696.2018.1.135.146
