We all have our toxic moments — nobody’s perfect. However, some people consistently cross the line.
These 13 signs of a toxic person will conjure familiar faces — maybe even your own. Recognizing these behaviors can help protect your energy and maybe motivate you to adjust your own actions.
Table of Contents
Signs of a Toxic Person
1. They are inconsistent
One minute, they’re all about you, your best friend, showering you with attention. The next, they’re cold, distant, or outright hostile, leaving you confused. Sound familiar?
In the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, the authors explain that emotional intelligence is all about recognizing and managing emotions.[1] When someone’s inconsistent, it’s often because they lack this skill. They simply can’t see how their mood swings affect those around them.
It’s like they have emotional blind spots that cause these sudden shifts, and you’re left navigating the fallout.
2. They need attention (constantly)
You know the type — the person who can’t stand not being the center of attention. No matter the situation, they demand the spotlight but give little in return. It’s exhausting being the supporting character in someone else’s show.
Dr. Craig Malkin, in Rethinking Narcissism, introduces the concept of “echoism,” in which narcissists take all the attention without ever reciprocating. Malkin says this behavior stems from a fear of inadequacy, constantly craving validation to feel secure.[2]
It’s a one-way transaction — they soak up the admiration but rarely offer emotional support back.
It’s giving Regina George from Mean Girls — she thrives in the spotlight, always the star, her problems are always the most important, and her opinions are the only ones that matter.
3. They disrespect boundaries
People who disrespect boundaries often ignore or challenge your personal space, making you feel trapped or overwhelmed.
Experts argue that people who violate boundaries are often trying to exert control. They ignore your “no” to get what they want, pushing you to your breaking point. Recognizing when this happens empowers you to stand firm and protect your emotional well-being.[3]
When someone refuses to respect the lines you draw, it can be emotionally draining, constantly having to defend your personal space.
4. They manipulate and try to control others
Controlling and manipulative people try to get what they want by treating relationships like tools, not connections. Very amoral. Very Machiavellian.
Researchers Christie and Geis find that individuals with high Machiavellian traits are incredibly skilled at manipulating and exploiting others for personal gain, with zero moral compass.
This detachment from empathy and morality allows them to view others as mere pawns in their game, using people as tools to achieve their goals without considering the emotional or ethical consequences.[4]
That’s practically the character bio for Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones — a master manipulator pulling the strings to stay in control.
But what’s the real cost? Like Cersei, manipulators might win battles, but they often end up alone, with their relationships left in ruins from their constant need for control.
5. They gaslight you
Gaslighting is one of the most damaging tactics toxic people use. They make you question your own reality, brushing off things you know happened or dismissing your feelings like they don’t matter.
Dr. Robin Stern, in her groundbreaking book The Gaslight Effect, explains how gaslighters slowly wear down your self-confidence by warping your perception of events.[5] You start doubting yourself, thinking maybe you’re overreacting or imagining things — you’re not.
Understanding gaslighting helps you spot when someone is trying to manipulate your mind, protecting your mental health before it takes a serious hit.
6. They are judgmental
Ever been around someone who constantly criticizes or belittles you? Your taste in music is bad, your clothes are never fashionable enough, and your choices are always somehow wrong.
A study published in Psychosomatic Medicine found that chat negative interactions, especially in close relationships, can have a profound effect on well-being. Being around judgmental people, whether friends, family, or partners, can leave you feeling small and insecure, leading to anxiety and depression.[6]
Judgment like this not only undermines your abilities but also messes with your sense of self-worth.
7. They lie and are dishonest
Dishonesty is one of the most toxic traits in any relationship. Whether it’s through small lies or massive fabrications, a pattern of deceit is damaging over time.
Dr. Bella DePaulo’s research on everyday lying shows that people lie in about one-fifth of their social interactions. In her book The Hows and Whys of Lies, she explains how frequent liars often lie to manipulate or control situations. Over time, this erodes trust and undermines the foundation of any healthy relationship.[7]
Lies might seem small at first, but they accumulate — and soon, you’re questioning everything.
8. They always play the victim
We all know that person who can never admit when they’re wrong. Instead, they always blame someone else for their problems, spinning a tale that makes them look like the victim.
Dr. Stephen Karpman’s concept of the drama triangle, published in the Transactional Analysis Bulletin, breaks down these roles: the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. Those stuck in the victim mindset deflect blame, seek sympathy, and avoid accountability — all while making everyone else feel responsible for their mess.[8]
Any Friends fan has seen this before — it’s classic Ross Geller. Whether it’s his failed marriages or “we were on a break,” Ross often paints himself as the victim, deflecting blame and making others feel responsible for his issues.
9. They are emotionally draining
Ever interact with someone and feel like they’ve sucked the life right out of you? That’s because some people are what Dr. Judith Orloff calls “emotional vampires.” In Emotional Freedom, Dr. Orloff explains how these people drain your energy with their constant negativity, neediness, or drama.
Whether through endless complaints, emotional manipulation, or sheer emotional chaos, they leave you feeling completely wiped out. Setting firm boundaries with emotional vampires is key to protecting your mental and emotional well-being.[9]
Such constant swings between hostility and affection leave victims emotionally wiped, while the toxic person feeds off the chaos they created.
10. They are unable to celebrate your successes
Ever notice how some people get weirdly quiet when something great happens for you? Instead of being genuinely happy, they feel jealous or competitive.
A study in Psychological Bulletin found that envy can lead to resentment and feelings of injustice, which can seriously strain relationships. The research shows that envy doesn’t just damage friendships — it blocks mutual support and creates distance.[10]
There’s no better example than Bridesmaids. Annie’s life is a total mess — her bakery tanked, her love life’s a disaster, and she’s barely holding it together. Meanwhile, her best friend Lillian is engaged, making glamorous new friends, and succeeding in ways Annie can only dream of.
That gap between them hits Annie like a truck. Instead of being thrilled for Lillian, Annie’s jealousy takes over, and she spirals into a mix of awkward self-sabotage and bitter envy. It’s a painfully relatable (and hilarious) look at how envy can sneak into even the closest friendships.
11. They are excessively negative
We all know someone who constantly complains, focusing on the worst aspects of every situation. No matter what, they always seem to bring the mood down.
It turns out humans are hard-wired to focus more on the negatives — thanks to what researchers call the “negativity bias.” But when someone is constantly negative, it goes beyond survival instincts and becomes draining for everyone around them.
Research published in the Review of General Psychology explains that people with a strong negativity bias often have underlying anxiety or low self-esteem that fuels their outlook, making them perceive life’s every hiccup as a disaster waiting to happen.[11]
Even worse. Negativity is contagious. A Harvard study found that being around persistently negative people actually raises your own stress levels, leaving you more emotionally exhausted and less resilient.[12]
So when you’re dealing with a real-life George Costanza, his constant complaints can easily become your mental burden, turning what could have been a sunny day into a cloudy one.
12. They exhibit toxic positivity
Toxic positivity is when someone dismisses your real emotions with forced optimism — “just look on the bright side” or “it could be worse” — instead of acknowledging what you’re actually feeling.
Whitney Goodman, author of Toxic Positivity, explains how this attitude invalidates emotions, stopping people from processing their struggles and healing. Her research shows that embracing all emotions, not just the happy ones, is key to emotional well-being.[13]
Inside Out nailed this perfectly. Joy’s obsession with (herself, I guess) happiness blinds her to the fact that Sadness plays a vital role in emotional balance. It’s a reminder that feeling bad sometimes isn’t just okay, it’s necessary for growth.
13. Their love and support are conditional
Ever notice how some people’s affection seems to come with strings attached? They’re supportive and loving — when you do things their way or meet their needs.
Dr. Gary Chapman, in The Five Love Languages, explains that love should be unconditional in healthy, secure relationships. If someone’s care feels like it’s based on what you do for them, that’s a huge red flag.[14]
Conditional love can make you feel disposable once you no longer serve a purpose, or unworthy of love when you fail to meet the toxic person’s conditions, even if you’re simply being true to yourself.
Toxic Behavior in a Relationship
Silent treatment
The silent treatment is hands down one of the most isolating forms of emotional manipulation out there. When your partner suddenly shuts down, stops talking, and basically pretends you don’t exist, all because of something you said or did, it could be a warning sign of a toxic person.
They don’t bother explaining why, leaving you in the dark, confused, and questioning everything. The tension builds up like a storm cloud, and you’re left scrambling for answers.
This kind of behavior doesn’t just make you feel alone — it shuts down any chance of real communication or resolution, leaving you stuck in an endless loop of hurt and frustration. It’s like emotional purgatory.
Financial control
Financial control happens when one partner restricts the other’s access to money, making all the decisions without input. It’s a telltale sign of an emotionally abusive relationship and has to be addressed.
This power imbalance leaves the other partner feeling trapped, powerless, and completely dependent. Over time, that dynamic builds resentment and strips away your autonomy.
In healthy relationships, financial decisions are shared, with both partners having equal say. When one person holds all the control, the balance is shattered, leaving the controlled partner feeling small and stuck. No one should ever have to ask for permission to feel financially secure.
Obsessive jealousy
Obsessive jealousy is toxic with a capital “T.” It’s that suffocating feeling when your partner is constantly suspicious of your every move, checking your phone, grilling you about your friends, and assuming the worst even when there’s no evidence.
Over time, it turns love into an interrogation, eroding trust and security. Jealousy this intense doesn’t just ruin the relationship — it makes both partners feel trapped in a toxic cycle of doubt and insecurity. Eventually, it overshadows any feelings of love, leaving the relationship in a constant battle of suspicion and defensiveness.
Neglect
Neglect in a relationship isn’t always obvious, but it’s devastating. When your partner consistently ignores your emotional or physical needs, like they forget you even exist, it can be emotionally debilitating. Maybe they never ask how your day was or, worse, they brush off your feelings entirely when you try to share something vulnerable.
Over time, this disregard makes you feel invisible, unimportant, and like an afterthought in your own relationship. Neglect may not be as loud as a screaming argument, but it slowly chips away at the foundation of connection, leaving behind resentment and distance that’s hard to repair.
Isolation
Isolation is a classic form of manipulation present in any relationship with a controlling person. A controlling partner might discourage you from seeing friends or family, subtly making you feel guilty for wanting a life outside of them.
Over time, this cuts you off from your support network, leaving you emotionally dependent on them. It’s not just about loneliness — it’s about control.
The more isolated you become, the harder it is to see the situation clearly or maintain a sense of independence. Healthy relationships thrive on connection and trust, not confinement and control.
Overdependence
Overdependence may seem like intense love, but it’s a red flag hiding in plain sight. It happens when one partner relies too much on the other for emotional support, decision-making, or just about everything else.
Take Bella and Edward in Twilight, for example. Bella loses her sense of identity without him, especially in New Moon. While Hollywood may romanticize this kind of devotion, in real life, it can be suffocating.
One partner feels burdened by constant emotional needs, and the other becomes incapable of functioning alone. Healthy love should build both people up, not turn one into an emotional crutch.
Refusal to compromise
Refusal to compromise is the ultimate relationship bulldozer. One partner insists on getting their way, every time, without considering the other’s needs or wants. Imagine every plan, decision, and argument always going their way, with zero room for your voice.
With time, this imbalance leads to serious resentment, because let’s face it — no one likes feeling like their needs are just background noise. Healthy relationships are built on give and take. If compromise is off the table, then you’re not in a partnership anymore — you’re just living in someone else’s world.
Emotional withholding
Emotional withholding is when your partner pulls back all affection, intimacy, and attention just to punish you. It’s that cold shoulder treatment after an argument, where they completely shut down and stop showing love or care.
This tactic leaves you feeling insecure and questioning yourself, like you’re being punished just for having feelings. It’s incredibly damaging because it deepens emotional wounds and creates a hostile environment where neither partner feels valued.
Emotional withholding destroys intimacy, leaving both people feeling disconnected and alone in the relationship.
Unrealistic expectations
Unrealistic expectations are a relationship’s slow poison. It’s when one partner expects perfection, often setting impossible standards the other can never meet. It’s the pressure to perform rather than just be.
But a relationship built on such demands becomes exhausting and damaging, making the other person feel constantly inadequate and walking on eggshells.
Healthy relationship expectations, however, include accepting each other’s flaws, allowing room for mistakes, and communicating openly about needs. When you’re constantly trying to meet someone’s impossible standards, it becomes exhausting and damaging.
Disregard for consent
Disregarding consent, especially in intimate situations, is a massive betrayal of trust. When one partner pressures or forces the other into something they’re uncomfortable with — whether it’s about physical intimacy or even major life decisions — it crosses a line that no one should ever have to endure.
It strips the person of their autonomy, leaving them feeling disempowered, violated, and unsafe. Respecting consent is fundamental to any healthy, loving relationship. When consent is disregarded, it causes deep emotional harm, damaging the foundation of trust and respect that relationships are built on.
Addictive behaviors
Addiction can tear through relationships like a wrecking ball, and if you’ve seen A Star Is Born, you know exactly what I mean.
Jackson Maine’s substance abuse doesn’t just destroy his own life — it wrecks Ally’s world too, forcing her to carry the emotional weight of his addiction while trying to manage her own dreams.
Addiction doesn’t just affect the person struggling — it seeps into every corner of the relationship, eroding trust, stability, and connection. Over time, it leaves the non-addicted partner emotionally exhausted, often feeling like they’re losing themselves in the chaos.
Things Toxic Partners Say
You’re too sensitive.
Response:
My feelings are important to me. I'd appreciate it if we could discuss this respectfully.
If you really loved me, you would . . .
Response:
Please don't doubt my feelings for you. Let's talk about why this is important to you.
No one else would want you.
Response:
That comment is hurtful and untrue. I deserve respect.
It’s your fault I got angry.
Response:
I can't control your reactions, but I want to resolve this together.
I was just joking. Can’t you take a joke?
Response:
Whether it was a joke or not, it affected me. Can we talk about it?
You’re overreacting.
Response:
My feelings are valid. Let's try to understand each other's perspectives.
Don’t be so dramatic.
Response:
I'm expressing how I feel. Please listen without judgment.
Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?
Response:
I am my own person, and comparisons aren't helpful.
You’re the reason I can’t see my friends.
Response:
I've never discouraged you from seeing your friends. Let's discuss why you feel that way.
If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself.
Response:
Threatening self-harm is serious. You must talk to a professional.
I wouldn’t have to yell if you didn’t make me so mad.
Response:
Yelling isn't constructive. Let's find a better way to communicate.
You’re lucky I’m with you.
Response:
I believe we both bring value to this relationship. I don't feel respected when you say that.
I didn’t say that. You’re imagining things.
Response:
I recall it differently. Can we discuss what we both remember?
You can’t do anything right.
Response:
That comment is hurtful. I would appreciate constructive feedback instead.
I don’t want you hanging out with [friend/family member] anymore.
Response:
My relationships with friends and family are important to me. Can we talk about what's bothering you about them?
We’re doing it my way or not at all.
Response:
A healthy relationship involves give and take from both of us.
You made me do it.
Response:
I can't make you do anything. Let's focus on taking responsibility for our own actions.
You’re crazy.
Response:
Please don't use that term. I'm trying to communicate my feelings.
Nobody will believe you.
Response:
I find that statement concerning. If we can't resolve this ourselves, perhaps we should seek help.
I know what’s best for you.
Response:
I value your input, but I need to make my own choices.
Removing Toxic People from Your Life
Identify toxic traits
Toxic people have a way of draining your energy, sometimes without you even realizing it. Maybe it’s their constant negativity, manipulative tactics, or how they make everything feel like your fault (ugh, classic gaslighting).
Over time, these behaviors chip away at your happiness, leaving you feeling exhausted or anxious after every interaction. Once you spot these toxic traits, you’ll realize how much better off you are without them weighing you down.
Think about specific moments where their behavior left you feeling drained, anxious, or second-guessing yourself. Make a list of those traits that really stand out (it’ll help bring clarity). This isn’t about nitpicking — it’s about recognizing the patterns that keep hurting you.
Communicate your boundaries
Boundaries are your personal protection shield — they let others know what’s okay and what’s not. When you deal with a toxic person, clear and firm boundaries are nonnegotiable.
Something as simple as, “I need some space for myself right now; I hope you understand,” can go a long way. It may seem harsh, but it’s not. You’re simply preserving your peace.
Write out a clear, simple message that communicates your boundary. Then, practice saying it until it feels natural. Whether you send it in a text or say it face-to-face, having your words ready will make the conversation smoother. And remember — this is about you, not them.
Create a disengagement plan
Cutting a toxic person out of your life doesn’t have to be a dramatic movie moment. A slow, gradual fade works just as well. Reducing contact little by little — maybe starting with fewer texts or limiting those draining meetups — allows you to create emotional space without feeling overwhelmed.
Decide how you want to reduce contact. Maybe it’s limiting interactions to once a week, then slowly scaling back from there. Keep track of your progress — whether you mark it on your calendar or simply reflect at the end of each week.
The goal is to slowly regain your emotional freedom and check-in with yourself. You’ll be amazed at how much lighter you feel when you stop giving them all your time.
Engage in positive activities
Once you’ve started to create distance, it’s time to fill that space with things that actually make you feel good. Whether it’s getting back into a hobby you love or trying something new, filling your schedule with positive activities is the best way to remind yourself that life is so much better without the negativity. It’s like recharging your battery after it’s been running on low for too long.
Make a list of activities that light you up — whether it’s going for a run, binge-watching a feel-good series (shout out to Anne with an E), or trying a new hobby. Schedule one or two of these each week to replace the time you’d normally spend engaging with the toxic person (or people). You’ll feel more energized and focused on things that actually lift you up.
Reflect and reassess
Once you’ve started distancing yourself, it’s important to check in with how you’re feeling. Reflect on any positive changes — are you less anxious? Sleeping better? Feeling lighter? These reflections are proof that you’re making the right choice, and they’ll help you stay motivated to keep going.
Set aside some time each week to reflect on your progress. Journaling or even just taking a mental inventory of how you feel can help reinforce your decision. Celebrate those wins — no matter how small — because you’re making real progress in protecting your peace.
Conclusion
Recognizing these 13 signs of a toxic person helps you protect your energy and make informed decisions.
By spotting these behaviors, you can set healthier boundaries, avoid draining dynamics, and perhaps even adjust your own actions for stronger, more supportive relationships.
Any change starts from awareness.
To read more about abuse in relationships, follow the link.
FAQs
What happens when you ignore a toxic person?
When you ignore a toxic person, their toxic behavior may escalate as they attempt to regain control over you, often using guilt or manipulation. Ignoring them removes their sense of control and makes them feel powerless, which may lead to blame-shifting or attempts to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong.
What triggers a toxic person?
A toxic person is often triggered when their sense of control is threatened, when they are being confronted about their toxicity, or when they face criticism. Their toxic personality can be activated by stress at work, rejection, or any situation that diminishes their self-esteem.
How do you take your power back from a toxic person?
To take your power back from a toxic person, set boundaries and avoid reacting emotionally to their toxic behavior. Reach out to trusted friends or a support network to regain a sense of self. Recognizing a toxic relationship allows you to disengage from their manipulation and hold them accountable, thus empowering you to make choices that lead to a healthier, happier life.
How do you know if someone wants you out of their life?
If someone wants you out of their life, they will avoid contact, diminish effort to communicate, and disregard your boundaries. You may also feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them or notice a lack of mutual support. These signs often indicate that the person no longer values the relationship and wishes to distance themselves.
Can a person be toxic without knowing?
Yes, a person can be toxic without being aware of it. Many people with toxic traits may not recognize the impact of their actions, especially if these behaviors stem from unresolved personal issues or learned toxic ways of dealing with stress.
References
1. Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart.
2. Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking narcissism: The bad—and surprising good—about feeling special. HarperWave.
3. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
4. Christie, R., & Geis, F. L. (1970). Studies in Machiavellianism. Academic Press.
5. Stern, R. (2007). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.
6. Terracciano, A., Löckenhoff, C. E., Zonderman, A. B., Ferrucci, L., & Costa, P. T., Jr (2008). Personality predictors of longevity: Activity, emotional stability, and conscientiousness. Psychosomatic Medicine, 70(6), 621–627.
https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e31817b9371
7. DePaulo, B. M. (2004). The hows and whys of lies. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
8. Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39–43.
https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/pdf/DramaTriangle.pdf
9. Orloff, J. (2011). Emotional freedom: Liberate yourself from negative emotions and transform your life. Three Rivers Press.
10. Smith, R. H., & Kim, S. H. (2007). Comprehending envy. Psychological Bulletin, 133(1), 46–64.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.133.1.46
11. Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(4), 296–320.
https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0504_2
12. Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A. (2008). Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: Longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study. BMJ, 337, a2338.
https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.a2338
13. Goodman, W. (2021). Toxic positivity: Keeping it real in a world obsessed with being happy. TarcherPerigee.
14. Chapman, G. (1992). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.
