Intimate partner violence isn’t limited to physical harm. Many abusers resort to more subtle means to control and harm their victims.
Spotting the red flags early can save you a lot of pain. Knowing the warning signs of abuse in a relationship is the first step.
Table of Contents
***Find resources that can help with relationship abuse here.***
Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
1. Name calling
Name calling shouldn’t be confused with “harmless teasing” or an offhand comment. It’s a clear sign of emotional abuse. When your partner calls you derogatory names or uses insults to belittle you, they are trying to make you feel small, worthless, and powerless.
These words are meant to erode your self-esteem, making you question your own worth and feel trapped in the relationship.
Name calling typically isn’t a one-time thing. It’s part of a larger pattern of verbal abuse designed to control and manipulate you. The abuser might follow up insults by dismissing them as jokes or by blaming you for being “too sensitive.” This further confuses you, making it harder to recognize that these attacks are intentional and harmful.
Some examples:
- constantly using slurs or offensive nicknames
- insulting your intelligence, appearance, or abilities
- making you feel guilty or ashamed through hurtful comments
- embarrassing you in front of others
2. Isolation
Isolation is a common tactic in abusive relationships, where your partner tries to cut you off from friends, family, and any support systems.
They usually start by asking why you spend so much time with certain people, then gradually push you to stop seeing them altogether. You feel like they’re just being protective or want more time with you, but in reality, they’re trying to control who you can rely on.
Abusers want to weaken your connections with others because it makes you more dependent on them. Some ways they do it:
- guilt-trip you for spending time with loved ones
- monitor or restrict your phone calls or social media
- get angry when you go out without them
- create drama to discourage you from socializing
Over time, isolation makes you feel alone and trapped in the relationship, which is exactly what they want. It’s a clear sign of emotional manipulation that can escalate into more serious control.
3. Explosive temper
If your partner’s anger feels over-the-top and unpredictable, it creates an atmosphere of fear and anxiety. You find yourself constantly on edge, not sure of what might trigger a blow-up. Walking on eggshells becomes your new normal.
Look out for behavior like this:
- sudden outbursts over minor issues
- yelling, throwing things, or physical intimidation
- blaming you for their anger, making you feel responsible
- apologizing only to repeat the cycle
When you’re with someone who has an explosive temper, it’s tough to feel safe or secure. Their rage can overshadow everything else, which in turn makes you doubt your worth and sanity.
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship coach Dr. John Gottman called this behavior “flooding.” That is, “when one partner’s anger overwhelms the other’s nervous system.”[1]
He adds that “when flooded, people struggle to process information and respond effectively, often resorting to fight-or-flight responses. Flooding causes physical distress, such as increased heart rate, sweating, and adrenaline rush, making productive discussions nearly impossible.”
If your partner’s temper explodes at the drop of a hat, this is a warning sign that their behavior could escalate.
4. Put downs
Constant put downs or name calling is a clear sign of an abusive relationship. These comments can be subtle or blatant, but they all aim to diminish your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
When they talk about your intelligence, appearance, or abilities in a derogatory way, it chips away at your confidence.
Over time, these remarks create a toxic environment where you feel worthless and insecure. You start to doubt yourself and your abilities, feeling like you’ll never be good enough. A healthy relationship should lift you up, not drag you down. If your partner constantly puts you down, it’s a major red flag.
Here’s what it looks like:
- insulting your decisions or opinions
- criticizing your looks or weight
- mocking your achievements or efforts
- dismissing your feelings or concerns
- telling you that everyone agrees with him
5. Checking your phone without your permission
When your partner checks your phone without permission, it’s not “cute” or a sign of care. It’s a violation of your privacy.
Going through your messages, social media, or call logs without asking is a major red flag, usually disguised as “trust issues.” But trust isn’t built by snooping — it’s built by communication and respect.
A healthy relationship respects boundaries. If someone feels the need to constantly invade yours, it’s time to question what’s really going on.
An invasion of privacy looks like this:
- reading texts or emails without asking
- monitoring your social media interactions
- pressuring you to share passwords or knowing your password (and you didn’t share it)
- grabbing your phone without asking
- asking friends and loved ones about your actions
6. Excessive texting
Excessive texting may seem like a sign of affection at first, but when your partner constantly bombards you with messages, it’s controlling behavior. They might say it’s because they care, but it’s about power.
Research even confirms this. According to Harris et al., “perpetrators use excessive texting to monitor and control their partners, making them feel constantly watched and unable to escape the abuse.”[2]
Here’s what it looks like:
- asking for updates every 10 minutes, demanding to know where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re doing
- accusing you of hiding something if you miss a text
- sending negative texts that enforce abusive behaviors like verbal and emotional abuse
- bombarding you with texts when you’re doing something that doesn’t include them
Your phone should connect you to the world, not chain you to one person. If your thumbs are getting arthritis from placating your partner, it might be time to send that relationship to voicemail.
7. Possessiveness
Possessiveness in a relationship is when your partner acts like you “belong” to them, expecting you to focus entirely on them all the time. It might seem like they’re just really into you, but if they’re making unreasonable demands on your time or attention, it’s controlling behavior.
In a healthy relationship, you have your own space and independence. Possessiveness, on the other hand, is about control, not love. If you’re feeling suffocated by demands or always defending your time, it’s a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.
Here’s what it can look like:
- jealousy over innocent interactions with friends, family, even coworkers
- constantly monitoring where you are and who you’re with, always
- making you feel bad for having a life outside of the relationship
8. Jealousy
If your partner overreacts to harmless interactions, accuses you of cheating, or is suspicious of anyone you talk to, that’s a major red flag.
Jealousy in moderation is normal, but when it becomes a tool to manipulate your behavior or isolate you from others, it’s toxic. Their insecurity isn’t your responsibility, and their need to control is not love.
Here’s what it looks like:
- Unfounded accusations: They claim you’re being unfaithful with no evidence.
- Policing your friendships: They’re uncomfortable with you spending time with anyone else, especially people they don’t know or approve of.
- Interrogations: Every time you go out, they demand details — who you’re with, what you’re doing, and why you didn’t tell them sooner.
9. Sexual coercion
Sexual coercion in a relationship is a clear sign of abuse. If your partner pressures or forces you into sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with, using guilt, manipulation, or threats, that’s abuse — no question. They might say things like “If you loved me, you’d do this” or imply they’ll leave if you don’t comply.
Consent isn’t optional — it’s mandatory. Being manipulated into performing sexual acts isn’t a sign of affection, it’s rape. Plain and simple.
If your partner can’t respect your boundaries, that’s a huge red flag that needs to be addressed or removed from your life. Your body is yours, not theirs to dictate.
Here’s what it can look like:
- guilt-tripping: making you feel bad or selfish for not wanting sex
- threats: suggesting they’ll cheat or leave if you don’t give in
- ignoring your boundaries: disregarding your “no” and pushing until you give in
- insulting you: calling you “prude” or “frigid” because you don’t want to engage
10. Blaming you for their problems
It doesn’t matter what goes wrong in their life — work stress, bad weather, their coffee spilling — somehow, it’s always your fault. This tactic is designed to shift responsibility from them to you, making you feel guilty and more vulnerable to control.
This isn’t just annoying — it’s emotional abuse. Blaming you for things beyond your control chips away at your confidence and keeps you constantly apologizing. You deserve to be with someone who takes ownership of their own issues instead of pointing fingers at you.
- Misplaced blame: “If you didn’t do X, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”
- Guilt-tripping: They turn their failures or frustrations into a way to make you feel responsible.
- Escaping accountability: They can’t admit their mistakes, so they dump it on you.
11. Monitoring your location
Monitoring your location is like having a digital leash around your neck. They’re always tracking where you go, either through location apps or asking your friends about your whereabouts. They might even go to the extremes of hiding an AirTag in your stuff.
And no matter how many times they pass it off for “it’s for your safety,” it doesn’t hide the fact that it’s weird, creepy, and invasive. It’s also illegal and can carry harsh sentences in some states.[3]
Here’s why it’s a problem:
- You lose your independence when you’re constantly being watched. It can make you feel anxious and stressed.
- You’re expected to explain every stop on your way, even innocent ones, which can feel suffocating.
- It may seem like they care, but it’s really about control.
12. Threats of harm
If they’re threatening to hurt you, themselves, or someone else, the goal here is the same: control. Threats are a way to manipulate your behavior by using fear.
Here’s how it plays out:
- They may say things like, “If you try to leave, I’ll have to hurt you,” making you feel trapped in the relationship.
- They might claim they’ll hurt themselves if you don’t do what they want, using guilt as a weapon.
- Threatening to hurt people you care about if you don’t comply with their demands adds another layer of fear.
These threats are often preludes to action. Don’t wait for the encore. If you’re in this situation, find a way to document the abuse and reach out for support.
13. Controlling behavior
Controlling behavior in a relationship appears when one partner tries to dominate the other, making decisions for them, monitoring their actions, or restricting their freedom.
They might limit who you see, where you go, or what you wear, all while justifying it as “caring” or “protecting” you. Over time, this control isolates you from friends and family, making it harder to see the abuse clearly.
It’s also common for an abusive partner to micromanage your day-to-day life, demand constant check-ins, or even track your location. They create an unhealthy power dynamic, in which you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, always trying to avoid upsetting them. This type of control isn’t about love or concern — it’s about maintaining power.
14. Coming on too strong, too soon
In a healthy relationship, love and trust develop over time. But if someone is bombarding you with rapid-fire declarations of love or pushing for a serious commitment within days or weeks, that’s not romance — it’s a ploy to get you under their control as quickly as possible. They want to sweep you off your feet before you have a chance to see the bigger picture.
This behavior is often called love bombing. It feels flattering at first, but the intensity is designed to overwhelm and lock you into the relationship quickly. Once you’re hooked, the controlling behaviors tend to follow. They might start isolating you from friends or criticizing your independence, all under the guise of “love.”
15. Unrealistic and unreasonable expectations
If your partner expects you to be perfect, to always agree with them, or to fulfill all their emotional needs, that’s a red flag. These kinds of unhealthy expectations are impossible for anyone to meet and when you inevitably fall short, they often use it as a reason to criticize, blame, or manipulate you.
Over time, this can chip away at your self-esteem, making you feel like you’re constantly failing or not good enough. No one can meet every need, every time. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and realistic standards.
If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid criticism or conflict because of impossible expectations, it’s time to take a closer look. You deserve to be valued for who you are, not measured against an impossible standard.
16. Manipulation and gaslighting
Manipulation happens when they try to control or influence your actions, thoughts, or feelings in sneaky or unfair ways. This can include lying, guilt-tripping, or using emotional blackmail to get what they want.
Essentially, they twist situations to make you feel responsible for their happiness or problems, putting you in a no-win situation.
Gaslighting, on the other hand, is when your partner makes you doubt your own reality or memories. They might deny things that happened, twist facts, or tell you that you’re being “too sensitive” or imagining things.
The term gaslighting has received a lot of attention lately, and I can’t say that it’s helped bring the right kind of attention to abuse. It’s thrown around rather willy-nilly, but gaslighting is real and it’s truly damaging to the victim.
Over time, gaslighting and manipulation can leave you questioning your own sanity and relying more on your abuser for validation. The goal is to break down your confidence, making you feel lost and dependent. Both tactics are about control, and neither belongs in a healthy relationship.
17. Financial control
Financial control is a subtle yet powerful way that abusers maintain control in a relationship. It often involves one partner limiting the other’s access to money or making financial decisions without their input.
This could mean restricting your ability to work, monitoring your spending, or even giving you an allowance, as if you can’t be trusted to manage your own money. Sometimes, they might withhold money altogether, making you feel like you can’t leave or make any independent decisions because you don’t have the resources.
The goal is to keep you financially dependent, so even if things get bad, you feel stuck. You might feel like you can’t leave because you don’t have the money to support yourself or they’ve made you feel incapable of handling your own finances.
18. Humiliation
Humiliation can take many forms, but it always aims to make you feel small, worthless, or embarrassed. An abusive partner might publicly shame or degrade you in front of others, using your vulnerabilities against you to obliterate your self-esteem.
This could be about anything from your appearance to personal issues you’ve shared in confidence. They may also target your body or sexuality, making you feel ashamed or inadequate in ways that are deeply personal. The point is to strip away your confidence and sense of self-worth.
19. Restricting movement
If they are not monitoring your movement, they are doing their best to restrict it either by blocking doors, locking you inside, or physically preventing you from leaving during arguments. It might seem extreme, but they use this tactic to exert control and enjoy a sense of power over you.
Imagine a situation where you want to step outside to take a breath during a heated fight. If your partner stands in the doorway, blocking you, it’s a clear violation of your freedom. They might say, “You’re not going anywhere until we talk,” which can make you feel trapped and helpless.
If this situation continues, it often leads to feelings of isolation and desperation.
Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse
Domestic violence typically occurs within a marriage or committed relationship where partners live together. In contrast, dating violence happens between people who are dating but not living together.
Both are serious forms of abuse, but the context of the relationship can affect the dynamics and challenges involved. For example, a domestic violence victim may share finances or children with their abuser, making it harder to leave.
Recognizing early signs of domestic violence is important for your safety and well-being. Here are some red flags to watch for:
- Physical harm: Pushing, slapping, hitting, or choking you during arguments or when they are upset.
- Sexual coercion: Pressuring or forcing you into sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with, using guilt or threats.
- Restricting movement: Blocking doors, locking you inside the house or preventing you from leaving during arguments.
- Controlling finances: Limiting your access to money, preventing you from working, or giving you an allowance.
- Damaging property: Breaking household items or destroying things that are important to you during outbursts.
- Threats of harm: Threatening to hurt you, your children, pets, or even themselves to control your behavior.
- Constant surveillance: Monitoring your activities, phone calls, or whereabouts at all times.
- Humiliation: Publicly shaming or degrading you in front of others, using your vulnerabilities against you.
- Using children: Threatening to take away or harm your children.
Warning Signs of Dating Violence
Dating violence involves patterns of control and aggression between people who are in a romantic relationship but do not live together or have the same commitments as in domestic violence situations.
It can be harder to spot because it might seem more subtle or easy to excuse in the beginning. However, it often escalates, just like domestic abuse. Recognizing these early red flags can help prevent more serious harm.
Here are common warning signs of dating violence:
- Intense jealousy: They act possessive, constantly needing to know who you’re with or what you’re doing.
- Excessive texting or calling: Bombarding you with messages, demanding constant updates, and getting upset if you don’t respond immediately.
- Love bombing: Over-the-top gestures and attention early on to overwhelm and create dependence.
- Isolation: Trying to cut you off from friends, family, or activities that don’t include them.
- Mood swings: Going from affectionate to angry or manipulative in a short amount of time.
- Disrespect for boundaries: Ignoring your wishes around physical intimacy, privacy, or personal space.
- Gaslighting: Making you question your memories or reality, denying things that clearly happened.
- Public embarrassment: Humiliating or shaming you in front of others, often disguised as a “joke.”
While dating violence can share many traits with domestic violence, the early stages are often marked by a rapid push for control disguised as love or concern. Don’t dismiss these signs as normal relationship problems.
Warning Signs of Teenage Dating Violence
Teen dating violence can be harder to spot since it’s often mistaken for “normal” teen behavior or drama. But it isn’t just young love and hormones — there’s a serious risk when patterns of control and aggression show up in a relationship.
Often, teens don’t recognize these red flags themselves, making early awareness really important.
Here are common red flags specific to teen dating violence:
- Over-dependence on social media: Constantly needing to “check in” or track each other’s social media activity, leading to jealousy or control issues.
- Cyberbullying: Posting hurtful comments, embarrassing photos, or threats to expose private information.
- Extreme jealousy: Getting angry when you spend time with friends or other people, claiming you’re “cheating.”
- Threats of self-harm: Saying they’ll hurt themselves if you break up with them or don’t comply with their demands.
- Pressure to engage in sexual activities: Using guilt, peer pressure, or manipulation to force intimacy.
- Isolation from friends and family: Trying to monopolize your time and discourage you from hanging out with anyone else.
- Physical aggression: Hitting, slapping, or pushing, even if it’s framed as “playing around” or “just joking.”
Teen relationships may lack the long-term commitments of adult ones, but the signs of abuse can be just as dangerous. That’s why it’s so important to hone your teen dating violence awareness if you have teens or work with them. Teens need to know that controlling, manipulative, or aggressive behavior is never normal or acceptable, even if it’s their first relationship.
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, so consider participating in activities related to it each year, such as wearing orange, to help the cause and break the cycle. And make sure you’re up-to-date on how to prevent teen dating violence.
Resources for Victims
If you’re going through any form of relationship abuse, you don’t need to suffer in silence. There are many resources available to support and guide you. Here are some trusted organizations, services, and personal support networks that can help:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 24/7 support via phone or chat, offering confidential help: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit thehotline.org.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline Safety Plan: Create a custom safety plan for you, your children, and pets.
- Loveisrespect: Aimed at teens and young adults, they provide crisis intervention and relationship advice via text (“LOVEIS” to 22522) or chat at loveisrespect.org.
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): The largest anti-sexual violence organization, offering support via the hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE and online at rainn.org.
- Women’s shelters: Search for nearby shelters through womenshelters.org to find immediate housing and support.
- Legal Aid Society: Offers free legal help for low-income victims of domestic violence. Check out your local chapter for assistance with restraining orders or custody issues.
Conclusion
Spotting the signs of an abusive relationship can be tough, but it’s important to trust your gut when something feels off.
We’ve talked about controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, and physical harm — none of which are ever okay. Abuse goes beyond just physical actions; it’s about power and control.
If any of this feels familiar, know that you’re not alone, and you’re not to blame. Reaching out for help is a big step, and you absolutely deserve support and safety. You’re stronger than you think, and there’s a way out.
To learn more about relationship abuse and find resources, follow the link.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the hardest abuse to detect?
The hardest abuse to detect is emotional abuse. It involves subtle put-downs, manipulation, and control tactics that can be difficult to recognize, especially at first. This type of abuse slowly erodes your self-esteem and confidence.
How do you know if you were abused?
You know you have been abused if you feel constantly criticized, controlled, or afraid in your relationship. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells or if your partner makes you feel worthless, these are signs that you’re in an abusive situation.
How do most abusive relationships appear at the beginning?
Most abusive relationships appear perfect at the beginning. The person may be overly loving, attentive, and romantic. Abusers can seem charming and generous but slowly start controlling or isolating you one little bit at a time so you don’t see it happening.
Could I be an abuser and not know it?
Yes, you CAN be an abuser and not know it. Abusers may not realize their behavior is harmful, especially if they grew up in toxic environments. If you find yourself controlling, manipulating, or hurting your partner, it’s important to seek help. Recognizing and changing harmful behaviors is the first step.
Why do people not disclose abuse?
People don’t disclose abuse because they feel ashamed, scared, or confused. They may expect that no one will believe them or that they will face more harm if they speak up. Support and understanding from others can make a big difference.
Reference
1. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
http://dspace.vnbrims.org:13000/xmlui/bitstream/handle/123456789/4566/The%20Seven%20Principles%20for%20Making%20Marriage%20Work.pdf?sequence=1
2. Harris, B. A., & Woodlock, D. (2019). Digital coercive control: Insights from two landmark domestic violence studies. The British Journal of Criminology, 59(3), 530–550.
https://doi.org/10.1093/bjc/azy052
3. National Conference of State Legislatures. (2022, September 13). Private use of location tracking devices: State statutes. NCSL Website.
https://www.ncsl.org/technology-and-communication/private-use-of-location-tracking-devices-state-statutes#:~:text=In%20six%20states%20(California%2C%20Florida,of%20a%20person%20without%20consent
