People say, “Just leave!” like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s not — if it were, you would’ve left ages ago.
Quitting takes more than just shutting the door on your way out; it requires understanding, support, and compassion.
Table of Contents
Discover how to leave a toxic relationship with these six no-nonsense steps.
How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship
Having been in a toxic relationship myself, I find most advice on ending it vague, arbitrary, or unrealistic.
When I was struggling, I needed someone to guide me baby-step-by-baby-step, not just offer some “love yourself” hogwash.
So, here are the steps I believe are realistic and actionable.
1. Assess your readiness
Take a breath and ask yourself: “How ready am I to leave this relationship?” Give it a percentage. If you’re anywhere below 100%, that’s absolutely fine. It’s difficult to assess when it’s time to break up with your partner. You don’t have to feel fully ready. Honestly, who ever is?
Psychologists developed something called the transtheoretical model of change, which breaks down change into five stages:
- Pre-contemplation: Not yet recognizing there’s an issue or considering change
- Contemplation: Starting to think about making a change but feeling uncertain
- Preparation: Making a plan and gathering resources or support for the change
- Action: Actively taking steps to make the change happen
- Maintenance: Sustaining the change and building habits to prevent backsliding[1]
Evaluate where you are in the process but think of this as moving at your own pace rather than sprinting to the finish line. Studies remind us that forcing change too fast can backfire.[2]
If you’re hesitating, unsure, or feel a knot in your stomach, it’s normal — this is tough. Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t something you just decide one day and walk away from. It’s a process, one that’s often as challenging as quitting an addiction.
2. Evaluate the relationship
Consider whether the relationship is working for you or against you. A healthy relationship should feel like a soft landing spot — a place where respect, understanding, and mutual support are the foundation.
A relationship that’s working against you feels the opposite. Relationship experts talk about the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.[3]
When these behaviors show up again and again, they can chip away at trust and keep you stuck in a negative cycle. Instead of being your safe place, a relationship like this can weigh on you emotionally and mentally.
If you’re noticing these signs, take a moment to recognize them and the toll they’re taking.
Don’t brush it off as “normal” or something you just have to live with. Check-in with yourself:
How does it feel in your body when this happens? What thoughts race through your mind when your partner is being controlling or when you’re feeling gaslighted?
Note these feelings and thoughts down in a journal — they’re signals. If privacy is an issue, consider creating a password-protected file on your phone or laptop. This digital space can be a safe spot just for you to reflect and recognize patterns.
3. Begin emotional detachment
Physical distance can help, but what’s truly freeing is learning to detach emotionally. Emotional detachment is about separating his energy from yours and creating a little space in your heart and mind — a place where his words, actions, or moods don’t control you. It’s about reclaiming that part of yourself that feels calm, secure, and fully yours.
To do it:
- Spend less time together: Start by giving yourself some breathing room between conversations or finding reasons to step away when you need to. Slowly, this space will help you feel less impacted by his presence and more connected to yourself.
- Redirect your focus: Detachment also means putting your energy elsewhere, on things that make you feel alive and happy. Whether it’s a dance class, a walk in the woods, painting your nails, or just lighting a scented candle, each small act of self-love matters.
- Visualize distance: A helpful tool in emotional detachment is visualization. Take a moment to picture him as a figure moving farther and farther away, creating mental and emotional space. Imagine yourself in a bubble of peace where his influence can’t reach you. You can easily find such guided meditations on the internet.
Emotional detachment is about letting yourself be your own person again. It’s a way of saying, “I’m here for me now.”
4. Protect yourself from abuse
While physical and sexual abuse are often more visible and easier to detect, emotional abuse frequently goes under the radar. That’s why I would like to focus specifically on this type of abuse.
Emotionally abusive relationships are, unfortunately, the most prevalent form of partner abuse. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, around 121 million people in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.[4]
If you’re noticing signs of emotional abuse, here are steps to help you protect yourself:
- Recognize warning signs: Emotional abuse can look like manipulation, isolation, name-calling, and controlling behavior.
- Create a safety plan: The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends preparing by setting aside emergency funds, keeping essential documents ready, and memorizing the numbers of trusted friends or family members who understand your situation.[5]
- Depersonalize his behavior: The concept of externalizing problems — viewing the issue as separate from the person — is a key aspect of narrative therapy.[6] This approach can help you create emotional distance from problems like abuse by personifying and labeling them, for example calling them “the storm” or “the avalanche.”
Consider reaching out to a therapist or support group that specializes in abusive relationships for additional support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential assistance 24/7. You can reach them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting “START” to 88788.
5. Reconnect with your life
Getting back to yourself is all about reconnecting with the people and activities that bring you joy and make you feel grounded.
Social support is a powerful tool in overcoming tough times — studies show that strong relationships with friends and family play a big role in helping us bounce back and build resilience.[7]
So even if it’s been a while, reaching out to friends or family members can offer not just emotional comfort but also practical support. Don’t underestimate the power of having people around who genuinely care; they can make a world of difference.
As you reconnect with others, try also to reconnect with yourself.
Start meditating and journaling to heal and calm your nervous system. Get back into hobbies or activities that feel fulfilling and just for you. According to self-determination theory, doing things you genuinely enjoy and value can boost your self-esteem, and that’s exactly what you need right now.[8]
Reclaim the things that bring you a sense of identity and autonomy. Whether it’s painting, hiking, dancing, or even just relaxing with a book, these small acts remind you that your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else.
6. Be kind to yourself
Don’t beat yourself up for staying longer than you (or other people) think you “should” have. Leaving a toxic relationship is no small feat — it’s scary and takes time, and every step you’ve taken to get to this point matters.
On some level, you’ve likely become addicted to the emotional highs and lows, the roller coaster that toxic dynamics create. It’s exhausting, but those intense moments of relief and connection can be compelling due to your emotional history, making it hard to just walk away.
Self-hatred and guilt aren’t the way forward. Self-compassion allows you to nurture a kind and loving space within yourself, a place that sees your struggles without judgment.
If you’re new to this idea, I highly recommend checking out Tara Brach’s Loving Ourselves Into Healing series available on YouTube, as well as her podcast.
Begin to treat yourself with the same love and patience you’d offer to a friend, and that kindness will carry you forward. Embrace your worth. Remember that every woman is a high-value woman, and give yourself permission to feel good about yourself for once.
And now give yourself a loving hug.
Am I in a Toxic Relationship?
It’s hard to know up from down when you’re in the midst of a tornado. This quiz is designed to help you reflect on your partner’s behavior and your relationship dynamics.
Answer the following 10 questions and tally your score at the end to gain insights into your relationship’s health.
Instructions: For each question, choose the option (A, B, or C) that best describes your situation.
1. How often does your partner show genuine interest in your feelings and thoughts?
A. Almost always; he is attentive and empathetic.
B. Sometimes; it depends on his mood.
C. Rarely; he seems indifferent or dismissive.
2. When disagreements occur, how does your partner typically react?
A. He listens respectfully and works towards a resolution.
B. He might get defensive but eventually comes around.
C. He becomes angry, dismissive, or gives you the silent treatment.
3. Do you feel there’s a balance of give and take in your relationship?
A. Yes; we both contribute equally.
B. Not quite; one of us tends to give more.
C. No; I do most of the giving while he does most of the taking.
4. How does your partner respond when you express your needs or desires?
A. He is supportive and encouraging.
B. He’s indifferent or changes the subject.
C. He belittles, ignores, or rejects my needs.
5. Does your partner acknowledge his role in conflicts or issues within the relationship?
A. Yes; he takes responsibility and apologizes when necessary.
B. Sometimes; but often he has excuses.
C. No; he blames me or others and rarely admits fault.
6. How often does your partner try to control aspects of your life (e.g., your appearance, friendships, activities)?
A. Never; he respects my autonomy.
B. Occasionally; he makes suggestions but doesn’t force them.
C. Frequently; he insists on having things his way.
7. Do you feel safe and comfortable expressing your true self around your partner?
A. Yes; I can be myself without fear.
B. Sometimes; I hold back on certain things.
C. No; I often hide my true feelings or opinions.
8. How does your partner handle your achievements or successes?
A. He celebrates with me and is genuinely happy.
B. He seems indifferent or gives minimal acknowledgment.
C. He downplays my achievements or makes me feel guilty.
9. Have friends or family expressed concerns about your relationship?
A. No; they support and like my partner.
B. A few have mentioned minor concerns.
C. Yes; several have serious concerns about my well-being.
10. How do you generally feel after spending time with your partner?
A. Happy and uplifted.
B. Neutral or unsure.
C. Drained, anxious, or sad.
Scoring:
- For every A answer, give yourself 1 point.
- For every B answer, give yourself 2 points.
- For every C answer, give yourself 3 points.
Total your points to see your results.
Results:
- 10–15 Points: Healthy relationship indicators
Your responses suggest that there are many green flags in your relationship. Mutual respect, open communication, and support appear to be present. Continue to nurture these positive qualities. - 16–23 Points: Potential issues to address
There may be some areas of concern in your relationship. It’s important to reflect on these aspects and consider discussing them with your partner. Open dialogue and possibly seeking the guidance of a counselor could help fix your relationship. - 24–30 Points: Signs of a toxic relationship
Your answers indicate several red flags associated with toxic relationships. Consider reaching out to trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional for support. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued.
Note: This quiz is a self-reflection tool and not a diagnostic instrument. If you’re concerned about your relationship, consider speaking with a qualified professional who can provide personalized advice and support.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship?
Addiction to the emotional roller coaster
When your relationship swings between amazing highs and crushing lows, strangely enough, it can become addictive.
This intermittent reinforcement — unpredictable moments of affection followed by negative behavior — can make you crave the next “high.”[9] The unpredictability releases dopamine in the brain, reinforcing attachment to the partner despite the pain.[10]
It’s not just in your head; there’s a biological pull that keeps you attached to the toxic — even when you know exactly what a healthy relationship should look like.
Unresolved past trauma
Sometimes, staying in a toxic relationship has roots that run deeper than you might realize. According to attachment theory, our earliest experiences with caregivers shape our future relationships.[11]
So, if you had inconsistent or neglectful caregivers, you might be subconsciously drawn to similar dynamics in adulthood, hoping to “fix” the past.[12] It’s like a cycle your mind is trying to close, but it only keeps you stuck.
Erosion of self-worth
Over time, toxic relationships often chip away at your self-esteem. Constant criticism or belittling (which are forms of emotional abuse!) can make you question your worth and convince you that you don’t deserve better.[13]
Constant criticism or belittlement makes you start doubting yourself, and you might begin to believe you don’t deserve anything better.[14] When you’ve been told you’re “not enough” for so long, it’s easy to believe it.
Self-blame and guilt
One of the hardest parts is dealing with the guilt. Toxic partners often shift blame, making you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong.[15]
You start to believe that if you’d only tried harder or done things differently, things might’ve worked out. This self-blame can be a powerful barrier that keeps you in place, making the thought of leaving feel almost like you’re giving up on “fixing” things.
Clinging to the fantasy
It’s common to hold onto an idealized version of your partner or the relationship itself. Cognitive dissonance theory explains that we want our beliefs to match our reality, so we often ignore red flags and cling to the hope that things will improve.[16]
This is especially true if you’ve experienced love bombing — those intense, affectionate gestures early on can leave a lasting imprint, making it harder to see the reality of the relationship.
You might remember the good moments and brush off the bad, which creates a fantasy version of the relationship that’s hard to let go of.
Isolation from support networks
Toxic partners often isolate you from family and friends, sometimes subtly, to maintain control.[17] Over time, you might find yourself without a support system, making it hard to leave because you feel there’s no one to turn to. This isolation reinforces that feeling of being stuck and can keep you in the relationship even longer.
Loss of personal identity
In a manipulative relationship, while trying to keep the peace, you may start sacrificing parts of yourself — your interests, opinions, and needs — to appease your partner.[18]
Over time, constant compromise erodes your sense of self, leaving you isolated and unsure of who you are without this relationship — an all-too-common tactic of gaslighters to maintain control. Rediscovering yourself feels overwhelming, making staying seem easier.
Fear of the unknown
Humans naturally dislike uncertainty, and stepping away from a relationship — no matter how unhealthy — can feel overwhelming.[19]
The fear of being alone, of not knowing what’s next, can make the familiar (even if it’s painful) seem more bearable. Sometimes, staying feels safer than stepping into the unknown.
How to Move On After Leaving a Toxic Relationship
Leaving a toxic relationship is a huge step, but moving on and healing requires no less time and intentionality. Here are specific, hands-on ways to support your healing journey.
Seek help to understand and break the cycle
The first step is getting some outside support — whether it’s through a therapist, a self-help book, or even a podcast about relationships and healing.
Understanding why the toxic relationship affected you as it did and exploring patterns that might have drawn you in can help prevent similar situations in the future.
Look for resources like Nicole LePera’s How to Do the Work? or Tara Brach’s Radical Self-Acceptance, which offer compassionate, research-based insights for reframing and moving forward.
Healing often starts by deepening self-awareness and developing tools to navigate future relationships with confidence and clarity.
Create Your “4 Threes” List
This exercise is about defining what truly matters to you in relationships and reinforcing your self-worth:
3x nonnegotiables: These are absolute deal-breakers, the qualities or situations you simply cannot and will not compromise on. They protect your values and well-being.
3x must-haves: These are the qualities you need in a partner for the relationship to thrive. They’re foundational to feeling respected, understood, and valued.
3x things you’re working on in yourself: This part is about your growth. These are the qualities you’re actively developing to be your best self, independent of any relationship.
3x things you bring to the table: These are the unique qualities or strengths you bring to a relationship. They reflect what makes you a valuable, loving, and supportive partner.
Create a “toxic release journal”
Dedicate a journal specifically to processing and releasing negative emotions. Each time a difficult memory or feeling surfaces, jot it down without censoring yourself.
At the end of the week, you might choose to tear out the pages and throw them away or burn them or whatever ritual of destruction strikes your fancy.
This symbolizes the release of the past and can be incredibly cathartic, giving you a healthy outlet for lingering resentment or sadness.
Engage in expressive art as therapy
Art is a powerful way to release emotions, even if you’re not usually creative. Try freeform painting, writing, or dancing.
This type of expression helps release pent-up feelings and reduces stress without needing words. Let yourself explore what you feel without judgment, creating art purely for the emotional release it brings.
Look for hearts
Mel Robbins’ Look for Hearts challenge is a simple yet meaningful practice: Each day, try to spot a heart shape somewhere around you — whether in a cloud, a coffee spill, or even a leaf. Every time you find one, take it as a small reminder of love, positivity, and presence.
Robbins, who shared this on her YouTube channel, sees it as a daily nudge from the universe, a moment to pause and remember the good in life. It’s an easy way to ground yourself, add a bit of magic to the day, and reconnect with gratitude.
The High-Five Challenge
Another, Mel Robbins’ gem, the High 5 Challenge is all about reconnecting with yourself, boosting self-compassion, and building self-trust. It’s simple yet surprisingly powerful.
Each morning, look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a literal high five. Yes, it might feel a little silly, but it’s backed by psychology — this small gesture signals self-affirmation, like giving yourself a cheerleader’s boost.
Over time, this daily ritual can shift how you see yourself, adding a moment of encouragement to your morning. It actually rewires your brain’s neural pathways, nudging it away from negative self-talk and toward self-compassion and encouragement.[20]
Trust Mel, it works!
Conclusion
Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t just a decision — it’s a journey. If you’re figuring out how to get out of a toxic relationship, take it step by step, with support and a lot of patience for yourself.
This path is about rediscovering your own peace, resilience, and joy, and creating the space you deserve to heal and thrive.
For more help with ending a relationship, follow the link.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you let go of someone you love?
To let go of someone you love it’s crucial to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy or isn’t working for you. Spending time with people who uplift you and engaging in self-care can help. Online therapy and expressive writing may also support the healing process.
How do you accept a relationship is over?
To accept that a relationship is over, make some healthy changes, like creating boundaries and focusing on self-care. A therapist can help you process feelings and restore your sense of self-worth. Give yourself time to heal, and recognize that love isn’t always enough to maintain a relationship that isn’t working.
How do you know when a relationship is over?
Knowing when a relationship is over often comes down to recognizing repeated toxic behaviors or an unhealthy dynamic. If your partner constantly affects you negatively or cycles of abuse are present, it may be time to walk away.
How do you process a breakup?
To process a breakup, start by giving yourself the time you need to grieve the relationship. Confiding in family or friends and focusing on activities that bring joy can aid in processing emotions. Expressive writing, such as journaling, might make you feel better, and over time, you’ll probably notice both mental and physical benefits from this release.
How do you fix a broken relationship?
Fixing a broken relationship requires mutual effort to improve communication and address any toxic behaviors. If one partner isn’t willing to make changes, consider ending the relationship rather than trying to fix what may be unfixable. Seeking the help of a therapist can help you both build healthy patterns and create a game plan to determine if the relationship has a future.
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