Rejection stings. Whether it’s missing out on a dream job or facing unreciprocated feelings, we’ve all been there, and it’s never fun.But it doesn’t have to be that world shattering. With a fresh perspective, it can become a plot twist, leading to unexpected opportunities. Let’s explore how to deal with rejection.
How to Cope With Rejection
Feel the feels
Remember that iconic scene in Inside Out where Joy learns that Sadness is essential for healing?
Table of Contents
Sometimes, the only way forward is through.
Allowing yourself to feel the sting of rejection is a healthy part of the coping process. Research from the Journal of Abnormal Psychology indicates that suppressing negative emotions can lead to increased stress and even physical health issues.[1]
So, give yourself permission to grieve, but set boundaries. Practically speaking, allocate time to process your emotions. This could be an evening spent journaling or a heart-to-heart with a close friend.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor known for her work on vulnerability, suggests that embracing our feelings fosters resilience. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, she writes, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” However, she warns against letting these emotions define us indefinitely.[2]
After you’ve acknowledged your feelings, engage in activities that bring you joy, whether that’s cooking your favorite meal or getting lost in a good book. The goal is to honor your emotions without letting them take permanent residence.
In the words of Dory from Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming.”
Rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth
On that note, Oprah Winfrey was once told she was unfit for television news. Do you see what I’m getting at?
One person’s opinion doesn’t define your value. Understanding this can help you separate the event from your identity.
To achieve this, list your accomplishments and qualities that make you unique. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in overcoming setbacks.[3]
Remind yourself that everyone faces rejection; it’s a universal experience, not a personal indictment. In the grand storyline of your life, rejection is just a plot twist — not the final chapter.
Reframe the narrative
Just like I wrote, rejection is not a dead-end; it’s a plot twist leading to a different storyline.
Cognitive reframing, a concept in psychology, involves changing the way we perceive events to alter our emotional responses.[4] By shifting our perspective, we can transform feelings of rejection into motivation for personal development.
Let’s look again at Oprah Winfrey’s story. As a young reporter in Baltimore, she was removed from her anchor position because she was deemed too emotionally invested in her stories.
This could have been a career-ending blow, but Oprah chose to reframe the narrative by turning it into new opportunities.
She transitioned to hosting a daytime talk show, which allowed her to connect with audiences on a deeper level. This experience laid the groundwork for The Oprah Winfrey Show, one of the most influential programs in television history.
By reframing your setbacks as stepping-stones rather than stumbling blocks, you can transform obstacles into opportunities for growth.
Invest in self-compassion
Imagine speaking to yourself with the same kindness you offer a friend who’s struggling. Better yet, consider talking to yourself the way you would to a child who just fell or got scared. Radical idea, isn’t it?
If you were at war, who would you rather have by your side: someone who constantly criticizes and blames you or someone who is supportive and encourages you? That’s the essence of self-compassion.
No one illustrates this better than Dr. Kristin Neff, whose research reveals that treating ourselves with understanding during hard times fosters emotional resilience.[5] It’s about being your own ally rather than your harshest critic.
To practice this, start by noticing self-critical thoughts and gently countering them with compassionate ones. Techniques like mindfulness meditation can help you become more aware of your inner dialogue. Dr. Neff suggests exercises such as writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate friend.
In a world where you can be anything, be kind to yourself.
Courtesy of @neffselfcompassion
Practice self-care
Next time you’re on a plane, notice how flight attendants advise you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. The same principle applies to life’s challenges.
Implementing self-care can be as simple as establishing a daily routine that includes exercise, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep.
Prioritizing self-care replenishes your energy and boosts your resilience. A study in BMJ Open found that regular self-care activities reduce stress and improve overall well-being.[6]
Dr. Matthew Walker, in his book Why We Sleep, emphasizes that quality sleep is essential for emotional regulation. He explains that lack of sleep can heighten emotional reactivity and impair our ability to cope with stress, making adequate rest crucial for mental health.[7]
We often overestimate the impact of big changes and underestimate the power of small adjustments. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. Small habits like setting your phone to bedtime mode at 10 p.m. and reading before sleep can, over time, significantly enhance your well-being, more so than a week-long self-discovery yoga retreat.
So, make small adjustments: Nourish your body with nutritious food, spend time walking in nature, and establish a consistent sleep routine. Consider incorporating mindfulness practices like yoga or meditation to center yourself. These are life-saving changes.
Take actionable steps forward
When you’re feeling overwhelmed or grappling with low self-worth, even the smallest tasks can seem insurmountable.
It’s important to remember that taking deliberate, small steps can help create momentum and begin the healing process. Behavioral activation therapy suggests that engaging in meaningful activities can alleviate feelings of stagnation and depression.[8]
When facing rejection or self-doubt, reconnecting with simple actions can bring a sense of accomplishment and purpose. A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology found that dopamine levels increase in response to rewarding experiences, which can improve mood and motivation.[9]
Start by setting gentle, achievable goals. This could be as simple as getting out of bed, making yourself a nourishing breakfast, or taking a short walk outside. Each small action is a step toward rebuilding confidence. It might also help to have a supportive friend who can encourage you and celebrate these small victories alongside you.
Remember, action begets action. Each small victory builds confidence and propels you forward.
Embrace amor fati
Let me share the parable of the Taoist farmer:
There was once a farmer whose horse ran away. His neighbors came to commiserate, saying, “Such bad luck!” The farmer simply replied, “Maybe.”
The next day, the horse returned, bringing with it several wild horses. The neighbors exclaimed, “What wonderful fortune!” Again, the farmer said, “Maybe.”
Later, the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown off, and broke his leg. The neighbors offered their sympathy, “How unfortunate!” The farmer responded, “Maybe.”
Soon after, the army came through the village to conscript young men for war. They passed over the farmer’s son because of his injury. The neighbors said, “How lucky you are!” The farmer replied once more, “Maybe.”
This story illustrates the power of accepting events without labeling them as inherently good or bad. And that is what amor fati, the love of fate, is all about.
Events happen, and we have very little control over them. The only thing we do have control over is how we respond to them. Every failure could be a blessing in disguise, and every blessing can bring some sadness into our lives. The point of life is not to avoid suffering but to reframe how we look at it.
Philosopher Ryan Holiday, in his book The Obstacle Is the Way, suggests keeping a journal to track how setbacks pave the way for personal development. This practice can help you recognize patterns of resilience and transformation in your life.[10]
For instance, if you’ve experienced rejection after rejection in love, maybe it’s time to stop looking for love and wait for it to find you.
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react.
Practice mindfulness
If your mind feels like a browser with too many tabs open, mindfulness can help you close those tabs and focus on the present moment.
Numerous studies confirm the effectiveness of mindfulness meditation. For example, a comprehensive meta-analysis published in the Clinical Psychology Review found that mindfulness-based therapy significantly reduces symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress.[11]
By grounding yourself in the here and now, you can better navigate the emotional aftermath of rejection.
If you’re not ready to jump on the whole spirituality train, you can just begin with simple breathing exercises. Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided meditations that make it easy for beginners.
Jay Shetty, a former monk turned lifestyle coach, suggests that while practicing 20 minutes of meditation per day is ideal, even as little as 8 minutes can be beneficial. In his interview on The School of Greatness podcast with Lewis Howes, he emphasizes that short, consistent meditation sessions can make a meaningful difference in your well-being.[12]
Mindfulness isn’t about emptying your mind but being aware of your thoughts without judgment. As you watch clouds pass by, you observe them without getting swept away. So it is with mindfulness. As you detach from negative thought patterns, you foster a sense of inner peace.
Seek support
Even superheroes need a sidekick. Reaching out to friends, family, or professionals isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s a strategy for resilience.
A study published in the Psychological Bulletin found that social support significantly reduces the impact of stressful events. This research highlights that having a robust support network can act as a buffer, mitigating the adverse effects of stress and enhancing an individual’s ability to cope with challenging situations.[13]
Social connections provide emotional comfort, practical assistance, and a sense of belonging, all of which are crucial for maintaining mental well-being during tough times.
Lean on your friends or consider joining a support group or seeking therapy. Platforms like BetterHelp offer accessible options for professional help.
Verbalizing emotions helps you process experiences, reducing the intensity of negative feelings and fostering a deeper understanding of one’s own emotional landscape. By sharing your struggles, you not only lighten your emotional load but also gain insights and support that can guide you toward healing and personal growth.
What Is Rejection?
Rejection is an uninvited guest who shows up at the worst possible time. It’s the dismissal or refusal of an idea, proposal, or, let’s face it, ourselves. In our lives, rejection can take many forms — a job application turned down, a manuscript declined, or a romantic gesture unreciprocated.
But let’s demystify it together. Rejection isn’t a personal vendetta orchestrated by the universe. It’s a natural part of life, albeit an uncomfortable one. Everyone experiences it at some point, and it doesn’t define your worth or abilities.
Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?
Getting rejected feels like a punch in the gut. Well, it turns out that our brains process emotional pain similarly to physical pain. According to a study published in Science, social rejection activates the same areas of the brain as physical injury.[14]
So, when you say rejection hurts, you’re not just being dramatic — it’s science!
We humans are wired for social connections. Our need for acceptance and belonging is as fundamental as our need for food and shelter. When that need isn’t met, it triggers an emotional reaction that can lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and even depression.
But knowing this can help us develop coping strategies to mitigate the impact.
From a psychological perspective, our brains are wired to seek social acceptance. According to neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman, author of Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, social pain is processed similarly to physical pain because our need for connection is a basic survival mechanism.[15]
Back in the caveman days, being ostracized from the group could mean the difference between life and death. While we’re not fending off saber-toothed tigers anymore, our brains haven’t quite updated the software.
Moreover, rejection can trigger a cascade of negative emotions — fear, shame, sadness — that can affect our mental health. It can lead to overthinking and self-doubt, causing us to question our self-worth and fear relationships because of the threat of rejection. It’s like an emotional domino effect, and if we’re not careful, those dominos can keep falling.
The 5 Stages of Rejection
Before diving into the stages of rejection, it’s important to acknowledge the fluidity of how we process difficult emotions.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her renowned book On Death and Dying, introduced the five stages of grief, explaining that they don’t always follow a specific order and can be revisited multiple times.[16]
While her model was initially applied to grief, it has since been widely recognized as relevant for understanding other challenging emotional experiences, such as rejection.
These stages are not rigid; they serve as a guide to help us cope with rejection.
Denial
“Did that really just happen?” When you’ve been rejected, it can be hard to accept at first. You might replay the scenario in your head, convinced there’s been some mistake. This kind of rejection can make you question reality, wondering if the pain of rejection is real or if there’s a way to avoid rejection altogether.
Anger
“How dare they?” It’s common to feel a surge of anger after you’ve been rejected, and this emotional reaction serves as a defense mechanism. Whether you’ve been rejected by a romantic partner, a hiring manager, or a friend, you might feel frustrated at the person who rejected you or even at yourself.
In this phase, you’ll likely overthink the situation or fixate on how unfair it feels. The anger stems from vulnerability and hurt, making you want to lash out as a way to cope with rejection. This emotional impact can be intense, but it’s a natural response to the fear of rejection and the pain it brings.
Bargaining
“If only I had done this differently . . .” Bargaining happens when you start to reflect and analyze what you could have done to change the outcome. You might contemplate reaching out again or trying to “fix” the situation, thinking there’s still a chance to control what’s already happened.
Depression
“I’m never going to recover from this.” The emotional impact of rejection can take a heavy toll, often leading to sadness and self-blame. This is the stage where the pain of rejection feels the most overwhelming, and you might struggle to see a way forward.
If you’re feeling particularly stuck here, don’t hesitate to share your feelings with someone you trust — whether that’s friends or family — or seek professional help. The depression stage reflects the lasting impact of rejection, but remember that you’re not alone.
Acceptance
“Okay, this happened. What’s next?” Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re thrilled about what happened, but you’re able to recognize that rejection is a normal part of life. You’ve learned from the rejection, and now it’s time to take steps to move forward.
Conclusion
Rejection isn’t a roadblock; it’s a detour. It might take you on a path you hadn’t planned, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong one. By learning how to deal with rejection with grace and resilience, you not only cope with the immediate pain but also set yourself up for future success.
Looking for more info about getting into a relationship? Check out the link!
Frequently Asked Questions
Does rejecting a guy make him want you more?
Rejecting a guy may make him want you more, depending on his past traumas and how he handles rejection. Different forms of rejection can trigger varied emotional responses. If he has unresolved issues, rejection may provoke intense feelings, leading to increased interest for unhealthy reasons.
How do you respond to rejection?
Responding to rejection gracefully involves expressing your feelings respectfully and acknowledging the other person’s perspective. Take some time to reflect and find ways to express your feelings to process the event. You can move past the pain of rejection by focusing on self-improvement and seeking support.
Why do I handle rejection so badly?
Handling rejection badly often stems from underlying mental health issues or low self-esteem. The pain of rejection comes from feeling vulnerable and personally invested. Understanding that rejection is normal and not a reflection of your worth can help you accept and overcome feeling hurt.
Why do people reject me?
You might feel rejected by people because you choose people who are likely to reject you. This behavior may stem from childhood trauma, where seeking validation from those unable to provide it leads to self-sabotage. You might inadvertently turn away people who love you simply because of a limiting belief that you are unlovable. Understanding these patterns can help you identify and address the underlying issues.
Should you try again after rejection?
Whether you should try again after rejection depends on the context and reasons for the initial rejection. Rejection can provide valuable insights into what went wrong. Steps you can take include evaluating past interactions and ensuring you’re ready to approach the situation differently. Move forward using the experience to strengthen future endeavors.
References
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https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.106.1.95
2. Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
3. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
4. Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy of depression. Guilford Press.
5. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
6. Luis, E., Bermejo-Martins, E., Martinez, M., Sarrionandia, A., Cortes, C., Oliveros, E. Y., Garces, M. S., Oron, J. V., & Fernández-Berrocal, P. (2021). Relationship between self-care activities, stress and well-being during COVID-19 lockdown: A cross-cultural mediation model. BMJ open, 11(12), e048469.
https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2020-048469
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8. Martell, C. R., Dimidjian, S., & Herman-Dunn, R. (2010). Behavioral activation for depression: A clinician’s guide. The Guilford Press.
9. Schultz W. (1998). Predictive reward signal of dopamine neurons. Journal of Neurophysiology, 80(1), 1–27.
https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.1998.80.1.1
10. Holiday, R. (2014). The obstacle is the way: The timeless art of turning trials into triumph. Portfolio.
11. Khoury, B., Lecomte, T., Fortin, G., Massé, M., Therien, P., Bouchard, V., Chapleau, M. A., Paquin, K., & Hofmann, S. G. (2013). Mindfulness-based therapy: A comprehensive meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 33(6), 763–771.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2013.05.005
12. Howes, L. (Host). (2018, August 20). Jay Shetty: Train your mind for peace and purpose every day [Audio podcast episode]. In The school of greatness.
https://lewishowes.com/podcast/jay-shetty/
13. Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.98.2.310
14. Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292.
https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134
15. Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why our brains are wired to connect. Crown Publishing Group.
16. Kübler-Ross, E. (2014). On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families. Scribner.