Closure is one of those elusive words people toss around after a breakup, like “healing,” “letting go,” or “moving on.” But in practical terms, what is closure in a relationship? Do you really need it? And how do you find peace when your heart is still playing Adele on repeat?
Key Takeaways
- Closure is the emotional resolution after a relationship ends.
- Closure helps you process emotions, gain understanding, and move forward.
- Lack of closure can lead to unresolved feelings and hinder personal growth.
- It doesn’t necessarily have to even involve your ex.
- You can create your own closure through self-reflection and acceptance.
What Does Closure Mean in a Relationship?
According to social psychologist Arie Kruglanski, who is considered the author of the term, the “need for closure is a desire for definite knowledge on some issue.”[1]
In psychotherapy, for example, clients achieve closure when they come to a sense of resolution regarding a specific psychological issue or relationship conflict.[2]
Closure in a relationship is that moment when you can finally exhale. It’s the process of finding emotional peace and understanding after a breakup, allowing you to move forward with your life. In essence, closure is accepting that the relationship has ended and letting go of all the “whys” and “what-ifs.”
This can mean different things to different people.
For some, it’s a candid heart-to-heart with their ex where everything is laid out, leading to mutual understanding. For others, it’s about accepting they may never know what exactly went wrong but making peace with that uncertainty. And for others, it’s about setting your cheating husband’s Mercedes on fire.
Closure can also be achieved through personal rituals, like writing an unsent letter or discarding relationship mementos.
Ultimately, no matter how it’s found, closure helps you move forward with a clearer mind and a healed heart.
And despite what your tortured heart might be telling you, closure isn’t something someone else can give to you like a box of belongings. It’s an internal process centered on self-reflection and personal acceptance.
It’s something you give yourself.
What Does Closure Look Like?
Closure is waking up one day and realizing you didn’t check his Instagram for the first time in months. It’s walking past a place that once held meaning for you both and feeling indifferent. It’s finally laughing at something other than a meme about your ex, when he’s no longer the first or last thing on your mind every day.
In fact, you catch yourself realizing that you haven’t thought about him at all lately — and you can’t quite pinpoint when that started.
Closure is peace. It’s detachment. It’s standing up from your knees, brushing off the dirt, and walking forward without the urge to look back.
If it helps brighten your mood, closure is like watching the final episode of How I Met Your Mother and acknowledging that, while you may not have loved how the writers wrapped up Robin’s story, you’ve accepted that it is what it is, and there’s nothing you can (or want to) do about it.
It’s the feeling when “Thank You, Next” resonates with you more than “Nothing Compares 2 U.”
How to Get Closure After a Breakup
Grieve the breakup
First things first: You’ve got to let yourself grieve the loss of your relationship. Bottling up negative emotions only prolongs the healing process.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Antonio Pascual-Leone explains that avoiding painful feelings like sadness or loneliness doesn’t help you move forward — it keeps you stuck. In his TED Talk How to Get Over the End of a Relationship, Pascual-Leone emphasized the need to sit with your emotions to allow for real healing.[3]
In real life, this means creating space for your grief, especially when it feels uncomfortable. Let yourself cry, scream into a pillow (my favorite, it works wonders), or eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
In my experience, it helps to have someone to “witness your pain,” a trusted friend or family member who won’t rush you to feel better but will sit with you and allow you to explore your emotions, even if you’re mulling over the same three sentences for hours on end. That’s what healing looks like.
Avoid trying to distract yourself with busyness, hitting the gym, or forcing yourself to feel “over it” before you’re ready. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Give yourself the grace to sit with the pain.
In Finding Meaning, David Kessler, a renowned grief specialist, shares the story of buffaloes in a storm. Unlike other animals who hide and run away, buffaloes charge right into it, knowing that running away only prolongs the inevitable. He suggests we do the same: By facing our emotions directly, no matter how tough, we can truly heal and move forward.[4]
Artwork courtesy of Jeanette Chan
Seek support
Even the strongest among us need a solid support system when a relationship ends. Or differently, no matter how strong you are — and I believe you are strong — you don’t have to do it alone. It’s not about proving you can get through it by yourself; it’s about knowing that you don’t have to.
Emotions need to be witnessed. As Dr. David Kessler explains, sharing our feelings with others helps us heal because emotions lose their grip when they are acknowledged by someone else. We are social creatures, and connection is key to emotional healing.[5]
In practice, this looks like calling up your best friend for a heartfelt chat or booking an appointment with a counselor.
Sharing your story helps you process your emotions, and the empathy you receive can be incredibly healing. And no, I’m not just talking about a “trash the ex” session over wine, though that can be cathartic. What really helps is opening up about how you feel — the sadness, the hurt, the confusion — and letting someone acknowledge how tough it all is.
Just make sure your support network includes people who genuinely help you move forward, rather than keeping you stuck in bitterness. If you surround yourself with people who only fuel your anger, you’ll never get the closure you need to heal. So be very selective about who you let into your emotional world.
Out of sight, out of mind
You’ve heard the phrase a thousand times, but “out of sight, out of mind” is a real strategy for closure when a relationship ends.
Dr. Guy Winch, in his TED Talk How to Fix a Broken Heart, explains that continually seeing or contacting your ex can prevent you from truly letting go.
Winch’s research shows that staying connected with your ex activates the same parts of your brain associated with addiction, keeping you stuck in a loop of longing.[6]
This means unfollowing your ex on social media, deleting old texts, and resisting the urge to “check in.” Instead, try asking yourself: What are you really trying to achieve by staying connected? Is it constructive, or are you just prolonging the pain?
But it’s all part of the process, so don’t beat yourself up if you slip. If you end up messaging him or find yourself deep in his Instagram feed at 2 a.m., it happens — we’re all human, and sometimes the urge is just too strong.
Cutting off someone you’re emotionally attached to can feel like physical pain because, biologically, it almost is. A study published in Science shows that emotional and physical pain activate the same parts of the brain, making detachment literally painful.[7]
No matter what you choose to do, don’t judge yourself for it.
Instead, focus on celebrating the small victories — like the times you didn’t text or scroll — rather than criticizing every slipup.
Create emotional boundaries
Closure in relationships isn’t just about cutting contact — it’s also about setting emotional boundaries.
If your ex doesn’t give you closure or you’re left feeling blindsided by the end of the relationship, it’s even more important to protect your emotional well-being.
In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries to create emotional space, which is crucial for healing after a breakup.
She discusses how healthy boundaries allow individuals to protect their emotional well-being and prevent outside interference, such as ongoing contact with an ex, from hindering the healing process.[8]
Creating emotional boundaries means not allowing yourself to fall into the trap of “what if” thinking or pretending you can still be friends while you’re in pain.
One practical way to do this is by scheduling specific times to think about them (yes, it sounds impossible at first, but trust me, it works with practice). If you’re on the anxious side of attachment, setting time limits can help you avoid spiraling into obsessive thoughts.
Before engaging in any interaction with your ex, even in your mind, pause and ask yourself what you need right now. If reaching out or imagining rekindling things won’t support your healing, take a step back.
Sure, it’s tempting to keep some form of contact, but closure is essential for your mental health, and boundaries help you get there. Think of it as building a mental fortress that protects your peace — because your emotional energy is too valuable for half-hearted texts.
Engage in new experiences
When a romantic relationship ends, it can leave you feeling stuck in an emotional rut, wondering if you’ll ever feel joy again. But guess what? Engaging in new experiences is one of the most powerful ways to find closure after a relationship.
Dr. Gary Lewandowski Jr., author of Stronger Than You Think, explains that rediscovering yourself through new activities can accelerate healing. His research shows that breakups often lead to a loss of self, so engaging in new hobbies or adventures helps to rebuild your identity.[9]
This means trying something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe held off on because your ex wasn’t into it — whether it’s learning how to surf, finally signing up for that pottery class, or just reclaiming your love for 80s rom-coms without anyone rolling their eyes.
You’re reintroducing yourself to yourself, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Accept the unanswered questions
Here’s a hard pill to swallow: You might never get all the answers you’re looking for and you may never fully understand why the relationship ended.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t heal.
You’ve probably seen that Instagram story about a snake bite: When a snake bites you, you don’t go back to ask why it did. Instead, you focus on healing your wounds and taking away the lesson.
My most important takeaway is that closure isn’t something someone else can give you; it’s something you give yourself.
And that’s a liberating realization when it finally gets to you because it puts the power back in your hands, allowing you to take control of your own healing.
The challenge lies in realizing that your urge to seek answers from him is really an attempt to control the situation — hoping to still change something, do something, or make an impact.
Once you’re strong enough to accept that there’s nothing left to fix or win, that’s when you find your freedom.
You may never fully understand why he stopped loving you or what you could have done differently, but that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward.
You don’t need the person who hurt you to tell you why you’re hurting. Closure isn’t about getting all the answers — it’s about finding peace in the unknown.
Reflect on what went wrong
Self-reflection is a key step in getting closure after a relationship ends. There’s only one problem with that: this requires assuming your responsibility and admitting that being a victim and blaming the other person feels so good.
Dr. Steven Stosny, an expert on anger and resentment, discusses in his works how blame is often a defense mechanism used to avoid deeper emotional discomfort.
In his book Love Without Hurt, he explains that while blame can temporarily relieve feelings of guilt or helplessness, it ultimately prevents healing and keeps individuals stuck in resentment.
Stosny emphasizes that blame shifts the focus away from personal growth and leaves people powerless because it centers on what they can’t control — another person’s actions.[10]
Understanding what went wrong in a relationship helps you process your emotions and prevent similar issues in the future. Taking time to reflect allows you to gain insight into what could have been done differently and what lessons you can take into your next relationship.
In practice, this could mean journaling about the relationship, talking it through with a trusted friend, or working with a therapist (highly recommended). Understanding the patterns that led to the breakup is everything. What did you learn about your needs, your boundaries, and your communication style?
This kind of reflection will not only help you make sense of your past but guide you toward healthier relationships in the future.
Let go of the grudge
As satisfying as it may feel to hold onto the grudge (and trust me, we all love a little righteous anger), doing so only ties you to the past and your ex, and it can actually have significant negative effects on your physical and emotional health in the long run.
According to Dr. Karen Swartz, director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at Johns Hopkins, holding onto anger and resentment triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response, causing increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and even a weakened immune system.
Over time, this stress response can lead to long-term health issues like depression, heart disease, and anxiety.[11]
Not surprisingly then, research from the Mayo Clinic has shown that forgiving can help reduce stress, improve heart health, and even boost your immune system.[12]
Forgiveness is not about excusing someone else’s behavior. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of that emotional weight.
When you let go of a grudge, you reclaim your energy and redirect it toward things that actually benefit you, like self-growth and emotional peace.
It’s not easy, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything’s fine — but it does mean you can finally breathe a little lighter.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not them.
Signs You Need Closure
You can’t stop thinking about it
If your brain keeps replaying the breakup on repeat, it’s a strong signal you haven’t found closure yet. When thoughts of your ex hijack your day — whether you’re analyzing every moment or spiraling into endless “what ifs” — it’s time to address those unresolved feelings.
Your mind is begging for some peace and quiet, so give it the closure it craves.
You struggle to understand why it ended
Nothing screams “unfinished business” more than being left confused about why things fell apart. If you’re stuck with unanswered questions or foggy reasons for the breakup, it’s natural to feel trapped in the past.
Closure comes when you can make sense of what happened and, spoiler alert: Sometimes the explanation is that people just grow apart. Not getting all the answers doesn’t mean you can’t find peace.
You keep checking his social media
Oh, the old Instagram stalking trap. If you’re constantly checking your ex’s posts for clues or signs, it’s a red flag. It’s almost like you’re feeding that emotional attachment instead of letting it wither away.
Checking their every move keeps you tethered to the past — you won’t find the closure you need by scrolling through their selfies. Unfollow for your own peace.
You’re questioning your self-worth
Breakups can leave us second-guessing our value, like, “Was it me? Am I enough?” If you find yourself comparing your worth to others or letting the breakup define how you see yourself, it’s time to hit pause.
Remember, a breakup is about the relationship, not your inherent value. Closure helps you understand that you were never the problem; it was just the connection that wasn’t working.
You’re having trouble sleeping
If your nights are filled with racing thoughts instead of restful dreams, your body is trying to tell you something. Sleepless nights can be a glaring sign that some form of emotional closure is needed.
When things feel unresolved, your brain doesn’t know how to shut off — so consider this your signal to tackle those lingering emotions head-on.
You feel angry or resentful
Still fuming over how it ended? Holding onto anger or resentment toward your ex is like carrying emotional baggage you didn’t even get to pack yourself. Lingering anger can be a sign that you need closure to fully let go. After all, holding onto those feelings is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.
You don’t feel like it’s really over
If you’re clinging to hope or feel like the breakup isn’t truly final, chances are you haven’t processed it yet. That nagging sense that things aren’t done keeps you from moving forward. Closure is about accepting that things are over, even if it feels like ripping off the world’s stickiest band-aid.
You struggle to complete daily tasks
If getting through your daily to-do list feels like climbing Mount Everest, it could be a sign the breakup is consuming your thoughts. Struggling to focus or complete simple tasks suggests your mind is still tangled in the emotional aftermath. You need closure to regain your mental balance and start living in the present again.
You keep reaching out
If you find yourself constantly texting, calling, or trying to reconnect with your ex it means you’re still seeking closure. You’re likely still hoping for a resolution or some magical final conversation, but real closure doesn’t come from staying attached. It’s about moving on.
You avoid new relationships
If the idea of dating again makes you want to run for the hills because you’re still hung up on your ex, you may be lacking closure. When you’re closed off to new connections, it’s a sign that the emotional door to your past relationship is still wide open, and the fear of love keeps creeping in. It’s time to close that chapter — and start considering a fresh, open future.
Conclusion
I hope this helped you understand what closure is in a relationship and how to find peace. While it’s tempting to expect closure from your ex, it’s something you’ll likely need to find on your own. Reflect on what went wrong, accept what you can’t change, and let go of “what ifs” to embrace what’s next. Better days are ahead.
Do you need to learn more about ending a relationship? Check out the link!
Frequently Asked Questions
What is an example of closure in a relationship?
Closure in a relationship might look like having a final, calm conversation with your ex where both parties acknowledge why the relationship ended. This allows for a sense of closure by understanding the reasons behind the breakup and parting ways with clarity and mutual understanding.
Do you really need closure to move on?
You don’t necessarily need closure to move on from a relationship. While closure can help people come to terms with the end of a relationship, many move on without it. It’s about accepting the end of the relationship and processing your emotions internally, creating your own closure to move forward.
How do I give my partner closure?
Giving your partner closure requires honesty, compassion, and clarity about why the relationship is ending. Ending the relationship without leaving unanswered questions or ambiguity can provide the closure they need to process the breakup and move on. Avoid prolonging the situation or giving false hope.
What happens if you never get closure?
If you never get closure, it can lead to unresolved feelings and emotional struggles with moving on. However, it’s possible to create closure for yourself by reflecting on the relationship, accepting its end, and focusing on emotional well-being, even without direct answers from your former partner.
What is a good sentence for closure?
A good sentence for closure might be, “I understand that this relationship has come to an end, and while it’s painful, I accept it and am ready to move forward.” This conveys acceptance and finality, which are key aspects of finding closure after a breakup.
References
1. Kruglanski, A. W., & Webster, D. M. (1996). Motivated closing of the mind: “Seizing” and “freezing.” Psychological Review, 103(2), 263–283.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.103.2.263
2. APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Closure. American Psychological Association.
https://dictionary.apa.org/closure
3. Pascual-Leone, A. (2019, February). How to get over the end of a relationship [Video]. TED Conferences.
https://www.ted.com/talks/antonio_pascual_leone_how_to_get_over_the_end_of_a_relationship?subtitle=en
4. Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.
5. Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.
6. Winch, G. (2017, December). How to fix a broken heart [Video]. TED Conferences.
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart
7. Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292.
https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134
8. Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
9. Lewandowski, G., Jr. (2021). Stronger than you think: The 10 blind spots that undermine your relationship . . . and how to see past them. Little, Brown Spark.
10. Stosny, S. (2008). Love without hurt: Turn your resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive relationship into a compassionate, loving one. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
11. Swartz, K. (n.d.). Forgiveness: Your health depends on it. Johns Hopkins Medicine.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
12. Mayo Clinic Staff. (2022, December 14). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Mayo Clinic.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
