Life’s chaos can pull couples apart, but there’s hope. Remember why you fell in love and find the strength to fight for your relationship.
Together, you can create a future filled with joy and connection.
Table of Contents
Can Your Marriage Be Saved? Look for These Signs
Saving a troubled marriage is certainly a challenge, but it’s not impossible. In fact, couples counseling has a 70% success rate.[1] Not only that, but relationships that overcome major crises often report higher satisfaction.
Take Paul and Linda McCartney, for example. Their marriage thrived despite fame and public scrutiny, thanks to daily connection rituals, mutual support, and commitment. Love may not be all you need, but it sure helps!
Source: Life magazine
To evaluate if your marriage can be saved, consider these key signs:
1. Your core values are still aligned
Even if you’re both struggling right now, in your heart, you still believe in the same things. Maybe you both cherish family dinners, rescue and care for stray animals, or try to spread kindness every day.
Those shared beliefs and values are an unbreakable thread tying you together, even during the hardest times. Treat them like your North Star — something steady that you can hold onto when everything else feels shaky — and let them guide you toward calmer waters.
2. You feel safe emotionally
You might be going through a rough patch, but even when emotions are running high, you feel safe being vulnerable. You can cry, express anger, or talk openly without fear of being belittled or dismissed.
There’s no gaslighting or other emotional manipulation, no hurtful words meant to wound. Instead, there’s a silent understanding that each of you can be honest without the other lashing out.
This safe space for raw feelings tells you there’s still love here — love that’s worth fighting for.
3. Respect is still strong
Hurt, anger, and frustration might color some of your interactions, but you still view each other as worthy partners. Maybe you admire their patience with the kids or the way they keep things organized or calm in the chaos.
Even on your worst days, you don’t see each other as enemies. You respect each other’s strengths and that respect is like an anchor in the storm — keeping you grounded and reminding you of the reasons you came together in the first place.
4. You’re both willing to fight for each other
Both of you still show up — maybe not perfectly, but the desire to make things better is there. Maybe you’ve both agreed to see a counselor or you’re reading relationship books together. Simply making a conscious effort to be more patient with each other is a step in the right direction.
It’s these tiny steps you take, the willingness to apologize, the open conversations at the end of a long day, built up over time that show what you have is salvageable. If you know deep down that you’d show for one another when the shit hits the fan.
5. The good memories still spark joy
When you look back on your relationship, there are still memories that make you smile — quiet laughter over coffee on a rainy day, that first trip you took together, or the way you supported each other through tough times.
Those memories bring warmth and hope. They remind you of the happiness you’ve shared and the potential for more joy ahead if you’re willing to reach for it.
6. The spark of attraction is still there
Physical intimacy may have faded, but every so often, you catch a glimpse of that spark — a touch, a look, a shared smile that reminds you of the mutual attraction that once brought you together.
It’s like a slow-burning ember waiting to be reignited. That little flicker of attraction can be the starting point for reconnecting on a deeper level.
7. Your shared history has deep roots
You’ve built a life together filled with inside jokes, little routines, and deep understanding. From the way you can finish each other’s sentences to the comfort of their familiar presence, your shared history is rich.
My girlfriend and I had this goofy game where one of us would hum a song terribly, and the other had to guess it. The worse I sang, the more ridiculous the guesses would be, and we’d both end up laughing way too hard over it. It was our silly little tradition.
How to Save Your Marriage
Rebuild emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is like the foundation of a house — you may not see it, but if it’s weak, everything else wobbles. If it’s been a while since you and your partner felt close, try the daily connection ritual. Just 30 minutes a day can bring back the spark you thought was long gone.
Kick things off each morning with three minutes of magic. Here’s how it works: Before grabbing your phone or stumbling toward the coffee, turn toward each other. Spend one minute sharing what you appreciate about your partner, one minute talking about a future dream you have together, and one glorious minute of silent, loving eye contact.
According to a study published in the Journal of Adult Development, “Expressions of understanding and shared intimacy would increase satisfaction in relationships.”[2] Yes, it might feel a little awkward at first but stick with it and you’ll be amazed at how it rewires those dusty, neglected relationship circuits.
Transform communication
Communication problems usually boil down to habits we didn’t even know we had. To shake things up, try the pause-and-reflect method. Research in the Global Journal of Health Science proves that “communication skill can play an important role in promoting intimacy in couples.”
Researchers Kardan-Souraki et al. report, “The depth of intimacy that people understand in their communications depends on their ability to handle correct, effective, and clear communications with the expression of feelings, needs, and desires.”[3]
When your partner says something that triggers a reaction, take three deep breaths and ask yourself, “What are they really trying to say?” Often, the words behind the words are softer than they seem.
Rekindle physical intimacy
Physical intimacy isn’t just about big, dramatic moments. Try the touch trail — sprinkle small, affectionate touches throughout your day.
A six-second hug in the morning (long enough for a good dose of oxytocin), a quick hand squeeze in the hallway, or even a shoulder rub. It’s like planting little “I love yous” all day long.
Create a sensual space at home. It doesn’t have to be fancy — just a cozy corner free from distractions where you can be close without pressure. Sometimes, just sitting together in a peaceful place is enough to bring back that feeling of connection.
Create new shared experiences
Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that couples who try new things together tend to stay connected. Aron et al. write of their study, “Shared participation in novel and arousing activities was consistently associated with higher levels of experienced and behaviorally expressed relationship quality.”[4]
To apply this knowledge, start a weekly adventure plan. Each Sunday, take turns planning one small adventure for the week. It doesn’t have to be grand — cook something new, walk a different route, or learn a skill together. These little experiences build memories that pull you closer.
Seek professional help
Counseling isn’t just for “last resorts” — it’s marriage maintenance. Think of it as having a coach for your relationship, just like professional athletes do for their jobs. They may be naturally good at sport, but Travis Kelce wouldn’t have all those Super Bowl rings without a good coach.
There’s regular weekly counseling for ongoing support, online therapy for flexibility, and intensive retreats if you need a real deep dive. The key is to find a therapist who “gets” your challenges. Financial stress? Look for someone trained in financial therapy. Cultural differences? Seek an expert in cross-cultural relationships.
Yes, it’s an investment, but many insurance plans now cover couples’ therapy, and some therapists offer sliding scale fees.
Establish daily rituals for reconnection
Kick-off each day with morning minutes. Before touching your phone, spend five minutes in bed together. Talk about your dreams, share hopes for the day, or just hold hands in comfortable silence. This little ritual creates a bond that carries through the day.
My spouse and I like to spend the first five minutes comparing our fitness watch sleep scores.
In the evening, share your highs and lows throughout the day. Talking about the best and worst parts of your day is an easy way to connect and build intimacy. Regale your partner with tales about how Bob in accounting was mad because someone ate his yogurt out of the shared fridge. You’ll laugh together and your partner will counter with a ridiculous story of their own.
These brief moments of connection add up and eventually equal intimacy.
Signs a Marriage Cannot Be Saved
Navigating the complexities of a marriage can be challenging, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, it becomes clear that the relationship may not be salvageable.
1. Ongoing physical or emotional abuse
Abuse, whether it’s through hurtful words or brutality, makes a relationship unsustainable. Constantly feeling afraid, demeaned, or controlled can break down any chance for a loving connection.
True love doesn’t thrive in fear, and if there’s no genuine commitment to change, it is safer to step away.
If you are being abused in any way, it is not your fault, it is not OK, and help is available:
- National DV Hotline: 24/7 support via phone or chat, offering confidential help: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit thehotline.org.
- National DV Hotline Safety Plan: Create a custom safety plan for you, your children, and pets.
- Women’s shelters: Search for nearby shelters through womenshelters.org to find immediate housing and support.
- Legal Aid Society: Offers free legal help for low-income victims of domestic violence. Check out your local chapter for assistance with restraining orders or custody issues.
Note: If you search for or visit any of these websites on your phone or computer, it’s traceable. You can erase your history afterward, but it may be best to visit a library.
2. Addiction that’s ignored and left unaddressed
When addiction becomes the silent partner in a marriage, it often overshadows everything else. If your partner refuses to get help and the addiction continues to damage the relationship, the love you once shared can get lost in the struggle.
A healthy relationship requires both partners to face their challenges head-on, and if that commitment isn’t there, it can feel impossible to move forward together.
3. Emotional detachment has taken over
When a marriage has reached an impasse, one or both partners may detach from the relationship emotionally. This emotional distance can be like a wall between you, leaving you feeling alone even when you’re together.
If one or both of you have completely checked out emotionally, it can be hard to imagine rekindling what you once had. When there’s no effort to reconnect or desire to share in each other’s lives anymore, the relationship may have run its course.
4. Repeated infidelity without regret
Infidelity is a heavy blow to any relationship, and when it happens repeatedly with no remorse, it can erode any sense of trust. In the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Knopp et al. share their findings that those who cheat once are more likely to do so again, suggesting an intrinsic or learned behavior pattern.
The study also found high rates of infidelity: “44% of participants reported engaging in infidelity themselves during the relationships captured by this study, 30% reporting having at least one partner who they knew engaged in infidelity, and 18% reporting that they suspected a partner of engaging in infidelity.”[5]
If there are signs of cheating and no willingness to change or show empathy for the hurt caused, it’s like a wound that never heals. Trust is the heart of a relationship, and without it, the bond between you may feel beyond repair.
5. Fundamental value differences that divide
It’s unlikely that every single personal value of yours is going to align with your partners. But usually, when people get married, the big ones align pretty well. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always last.
Sometimes, couples grow apart in values that once seemed aligned. It might be around big issues like religion, parenting, or lifestyle choices, where neither is willing to compromise. According to a 2004 article in the Journal of Psychology, what psychologists call value conflict is a good predictor of stress.
Authors Bouckenooghe et al. argue that “incongruent environments don’t afford people opportunities to express their important values and [instead] block goal attainment. Living in such environments is likely to produce negative well-being.”[6]
This value conflict can become the overwhelming theme of your marriage. When these differences feel like a wall separating you, and no bridge seems possible, it may be a sign that your paths are simply no longer aligned.
6. Destructive communication patterns
Constant criticism, contempt, or the silent treatment can poison a relationship over time. If both partners aren’t willing to address these toxic patterns, every conversation can feel like a battlefield, with each person on guard.
According to Dr. Frank Fincham, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida, couples heading to dissolution featured “more interruptions, criticisms and complaining, negative solutions, and fewer self-disclosures and positive suggestions.”
He continues, “In addition, distressed couples show less pinpointing and verbalize problems in a critical way suggesting that they have poor message production skills.”[7]
Without a willingness to heal the way you communicate, the love you once shared can become buried under layers of resentment.
7. Complete loss of trust with no path to rebuilding
Trust is fragile and once shattered, it’s hard to rebuild without both partners’ commitment. If trust has been damaged so deeply that neither of you can see a way back, it’s a hard road to walk together.
This is because trust is so important, it actually affects our health. An article published in Personal Relationships explores the correlation between trust and health. Authors Schneider et al. find that “trust influences physical health, namely through depression and anxiety.”[8]
If trust, or the loss of it rather, has that much effect on our mind and our bodies, in a struggling marriage, it might just deal the final blow.
Understanding Divorce Factors
Understanding the factors of divorce is essential for comprehending marital instability. A study published in Couple and Family Psychology the most significant contributors to divorce:[9]
- Lack of commitment: a primary reason cited by 75% of participants
- Infidelity: reported by 59.6% as a critical factor
- Excessive conflict: noted by 57.7% as detrimental to marriage
- Young age at marriage: increases risk significantly, affecting 45.1%
- Financial issues: affects 36.7% of divorcing couples
What You Can Do Today to Save Your Marriage
Getting your marriage back on track requires immediate action. Start with these steps:
- Write a heartfelt letter to your spouse expressing your commitment to saving the marriage.
- Schedule a weekly check-in to discuss relationship progress.
- Create a gratitude journal focusing on your partner’s positive qualities.
- Book a couples’ counseling session to improve your communication and resolve conflict.
- Plan a weekend getaway to reconnect without distractions.
- Establish new relationship rituals (morning coffee together, evening walks, etc.).
- Set clear, achievable relationship goals together.
Remember the touching reconciliation in the film The Story of Us with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer? Their characters’ journey from the brink of divorce to rediscovering their love demonstrates that even when things seem hopeless, there’s always a path back to each other if both partners are willing to take it.
Conclusion
In the journey to save a marriage, every small effort, every ounce of compassion, each dose of patience, counts. Relationships face storms, but with patience, open communication, and a commitment to rediscovering each other, many couples find their way back to a place of love and understanding.
Looking for more information about being in a relationship? Just follow the link.
FAQ
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
The walkaway wife syndrome describes a wife’s emotional detachment and eventual decision to leave an unsatisfying marriage, often after years of feeling neglected and unheard. Signs include decreased communication, withdrawal from shared activities, and increased focus on individual interests. Its name is misleading because it’s actually a kind of liberation.
What is the #1 rule of marriage?
The #1 rule of marriage isn’t definitive, but fostering empathy, friendship and trust is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. When you prioritize the qualities of a healthy relationship, you can build a fulfilling and sustainable marriage.
How can you survive a bad marriage without divorce?
You can survive a bad marriage without divorce with couples’ counseling, compassion, honesty, and determination. The reality is, though, that some marriages are ultimately best ended. If you’re willing to stay and work on your relationship, prioritize open communication and consider seeking professional counseling to address underlying issues and rebuild intimacy.
Reference
1. Lebow, J., Chamber, A., Christensen, A., Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–68.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x
2. Boden, J. S., Fischer, J. L., & Niehuis, S. (2010). Predicting marital adjustment from young adults’ initial levels and changes in emotional intimacy over time: A 25-year longitudinal study. Journal of Adult Development, 17(3), 121–134.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-009-9078-7
3. Kardan-Souraki, M., Hamzehgardeshi, Z., Asadpour, I., Mohammadpour, R. A., Khani, S. (2015). A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married Individuals. Global Journal of Health Science, 8(8), 53109.
https://doi.org/10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74
4. Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–84.
https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.78.2.273
5. Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2301–2311.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1
6. Bouckenooghe, D., Buelens, M., Fontaine, J., & Vanderheyden, K. (2005). The prediction of stress by values and value conflict. The Journal of Psychology, 139(4), 369–384.
https://doi.org/10.3200/JRLP.139.4.369-384
7. Fincham, F. D. (2003). Communication in marriage. In A. L. Vangelisti (Ed.), The Handbook of Family Communication (pp. 107–128). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/90165671
8. Schneider, I. K., Konijn, E. A., Righetti, F., & Rusbult, C. E. (2011). A healthy dose of trust: The relationship between interpersonal trust and health. Personal Relationships, 18(4), 668–676.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01338.x
9. Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology, 2(2), 131–145.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032025
