One minute he’s all in and the next he’s giving you more mixed signals than a broken traffic light.
Sound familiar?
Table of Contents
If you’re tired of mixed signals, it’s time to decode the signs he doesn’t want a relationship — and, more importantly, decide what to do next.
Signs He Will Never Make You His Girlfriend
If he’s keeping you around but never calling you his girlfriend, it’s time to face the facts. Some guys just aren’t going to commit, no matter how great things seem.
1. He avoids defining the relationship
A clear sign he doesn’t see a future with you is dodging faster than Neo in The Matrix when you try to put a label on your relationship.
A guy who genuinely wants a relationship won’t be scared to define it. In fact, he’ll be just as eager to slap a label on it as you are. If he’s keeping things vague, it’s because he wants to keep his options open — without committing to anything.
A man who sees you as his future girlfriend will make it clear without you having to ask. If you’re constantly pulling teeth to get him to define your relationship, it’s time to ask yourself if you’re wasting your time.
2. You’re always the one initiating plans
If you’re always the one texting first, planning dates, and checking in on him, that’s a major red flag. A guy who’s actually into you will want to see you and will make the effort without you having to drag him along.
A guy who sees you as potential girlfriend material will be just as excited to text you first, plan fun dates, and make you a priority. If he’s always leaving it up to you, it’s not because he’s “busy” — it’s because he’s just not that invested.
3. He ghosts you or flakes on plans
One minute he’s all up in your DMs and the next he disappears like a bad magic trick.
Canceling plans last-minute or going MIA for days without explanation screams, “I don’t value your time.” A guy who wants to make you his girlfriend won’t be this inconsistent — he’ll show up.
In an interesting study on ghosting and destiny, authors Freedman et al. suggest that there are two implicit belief systems about relationships. They call them destiny and growth beliefs.[1]
These beliefs influence how people perceive and respond to relationship challenges and can significantly impact relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Destiny beliefs says that “relationships are either meant to be or not. People with strong destiny beliefs tend to think that a successful relationship is predestined and that if a relationship is right, it will work out naturally without much effort.”
The study found that people with stronger destiny beliefs are more likely to view ghosting positively, have stronger intentions to ghost, and have previously ghosted partners.
On the other hand, growth beliefs “reflect the idea that relationships can develop and improve over time through effort and hard work. People with strong growth beliefs . . . view ghosting negatively and are less likely to intend to do it.”
Whatever you want to call it, when someone’s into you, they show up. They don’t leave you hanging or wondering if they’ve been abducted by aliens.
4. He’s still active on dating apps
If he’s continuously swiping away on Tinder or Bumble, it’s a pretty clear sign that he’s not ready to settle down. A guy who’s serious won’t be keeping his options open like he’s picking out a new pair of shoes.
As someone who is interested in creating a lasting relationship, he should be focused on you, not scrolling through profiles. You deserve someone who’s excited to commit, not someone who’s still playing the field. It’s time to prioritize yourself!
5. He’s hot and cold
One day he’s blowing up your phone, and the next, he’s acting like you barely exist. That kind of hot and cold behavior is exhausting — and a sure sign he’s not fully invested.
Consistency is the foundation of any healthy relationship. A guy who’s serious about you will show up for you, and not just when it’s convenient or when he’s bored.
Mixed signals usually mean he’s keeping you around as an option, not a priority. You deserve someone who knows what they want and isn’t afraid to show it. If you’re constantly left wondering where you stand, it’s because he’s not willing to make it clear.
6. You’re not a part of his long-term plans
He’s always making plans — a dream trip to Indonesia, saving to buy a home, maybe adopting a cat. But there’s always one thing missing from his dreams.
You.
A man who’s serious about a relationship will include you in his vision for the future. It’s not just about including you in his plans; it’s about creating plans together. If he’s mapping out his life and you’re not even a footnote, that’s a pretty clear message.
I’m not saying he needs to include you in every little decision, but if you’re consistently absent from his big-picture thinking, it’s time to pay attention. A partner who sees a future with you will naturally weave you into their plans, even if it’s just hypothetical.
If you’re always left wondering where you’ll fit into his life, it’s time to accept that he’s not planning a future with you.
7. He keeps the relationship on his terms
You’re only hanging out when he feels like it — and always getting those last-minute “You up?” texts at 12:00 a.m. — that’s a sign he’s not serious about taking things further. He’s only after one thing.
Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street, not a one-man show. If he’s only calling when it suits him, or you’re always the one bending your schedule to fit his, that’s not cool.
A guy who’s serious about you will make an effort to plan things in advance. He’ll ask about your schedule and try to work around it too. Not only that, he’ll ask what you want to do, not make you spend weekend after weekend down the pub with his crypto bros.
If he’s not willing to compromise or respect your schedule, he’s basically telling you where you stand — and it’s not at the top of his list.
8. You feel like a placeholder
You’re hanging out, maybe having fun, but it never goes deeper. He’s not asking personal questions or making an effort to truly connect. If he’s keeping things casual and not building an emotional bond, chances are he’s just waiting for someone “better” to come along.
It’s harsh, but someone who’s serious about you will want to get to know you on a deeper level. They’ll put in the effort to understand what makes you tick and build a connection beyond just casual conversations or dates.
Don’t settle for being someone’s temporary option. You deserve to be with someone who values you
9. He flirts with other women in front of you
You’re out with him and he’s flirting with the bartender right in front of you. Not cool, right? But it happens, and it’s more than just annoying — it’s disrespectful.
It shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings and your place in his life. A guy who’s serious about making you his girlfriend won’t give his attention to anyone else — especially when you’re around.
Flirting with other women shows that he’s keeping his options open, but someone who’s invested in you will show you and everyone else that you’re the woman for him.
10. He hides the relationship
If he’s keeping your relationship on the down-low and you still haven’t met any of his close friends or family after months of dating, that’s a major red flag.
A guy who truly sees you as someone special will want to integrate you into his life — no bubble, no secrecy. He proudly introduces you to the people that matter to him. When you’re always left out of his inner circle, it’s because he’s not ready to take things to the next level.
11. He avoids intimacy
Every time the conversation starts getting deep or emotional, he changes the subject or brushes it off like it’s no big deal. He’s affectionate, sure — but only behind closed doors. In public? It’s like you’re just friends.
On top of that, he rarely initiates physical affection that won’t end in sex, and when he does, it feels half-hearted.
These are all hallmarks of an avoidant attachment style.
According to a study by Simpson et al., this avoidant attachment style in men “is driven by their negative, cynical working models. These models lead them to believe that seeking psychological or emotional proximity to romantic partners is either not possible or undesirable.”[2]
An avoidant attachment style is usually brought about by the following situations:
- Early childhood experiences: Men with avoidant attachment often had caregivers who were distant, dismissive of emotions, or neglectful.
- Self-protection: As a self-protective measure, they learn to avoid emotional closeness and maintain distance. This behavior helps them avoid potential pain and abandonment.
- Cultural influences: Cultural emphasis on independence and self-reliance can also contribute to the development of avoidant attachment.
- Triggers: Certain situations can trigger avoidant behavior, such as feeling pressured to commit, experiencing criticism or perceived rejection, and sensing a loss of personal freedom or autonomy.
- Personality traits: Some personality traits, like restricted expression of emotions and problems with intimacy, are associated with avoidant attachment.
If you truly don’t want to lose the relationship, it’s important to try to be open and candid and ask about what’s holding him back. You can even suggest a joint session with a therapist to help you build a more intimate connection.
12. He’s open about not wanting a relationship
Sometimes, the most obvious sign is right there in front of you — he’s flat out told you he’s not looking for a relationship right now.
And as much as you might want to believe that you can change his mind, trust me, you won’t. When a guy says he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him. It’s not a challenge or a secret code you need to crack. He’s giving you the truth.
Trying to convince him otherwise will only leave you frustrated and hurt. Save yourself the time and emotional energy by moving on to someone who actually wants to be with you.
Why He Won’t Commit but Won’t Leave You Alone
He won’t commit, but he won’t let go either. It’s a frustrating situation that can leave you feeling confused and unsure of what to do.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too
He’s attracted to you — there’s no doubt about that. He enjoys being around you, whether it’s hanging out or getting physical, but here’s the kicker: He doesn’t want anything serious.
He’s keeping you close because the chemistry is there, but when it comes to emotional depth or commitment, he’s just not feeling it. It’s frustrating, but if he’s not willing to go beyond the surface, he’s only in it for the fun, not the future.
This man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He loves all the perks — physical intimacy, emotional support, companionship — but without any of the responsibilities. By keeping things in this gray area, he’s able to enjoy the best of both worlds: He gets you when he wants but he’s free to bail when things get too real.
It’s convenient for him, but it’s draining for you. If he’s not willing to put a label on things and step up, it’s because he’s perfectly happy living in this no-strings attached limbo.
He just wants to be friends
He genuinely likes having you around. You’re his go-to for laughs, advice, maybe even a shoulder to cry on. In his mind, you’re really just a close friend.
But here’s where it gets messy. He knows you might want more and he’s terrified of losing your friendship. So instead of being straight-up, he’s keeping things fuzzy. He’ll throw you a flirty comment here, a mixed signal there, just to keep you hanging on.
It’s not malicious but it’s not fair either. You’re left trying to decode his behavior like it’s some secret spy message.
If he’s not on the same page romantically, his reluctance to be clear only keeps you hanging on for something that’s never going to happen. Don’t let yourself get strung along — what you need is clarity, not confusion. Make it clear to him that you’re just friends and hopefully he’ll stop the misleading behavior.
He likes to play games
Some guys play games all about control or feeding their egos, keeping you hooked without committing.
Knowing he can have your attention without actually having to invest in a real relationship gives him a sense of power. He’s dangling the possibility of something more, but it’s just a game to him. You’re caught in his web. You’re the Frodo to his Shelob. And there’s no Samwise to save you.
In their research on narcissism in romantic relationships, psychologists Campbell and Foster found that “narcissists often approach romantic relationships with a game-playing attitude, focusing on self-enhancement rather than genuine emotional connection.”[3]
They add that “they may initially idealize their partners but quickly lose interest, often seeking new partners who better meet their self-esteem needs.”
Narcissists are also possessive by nature. He doesn’t want a real relationship with you, but the thought of you being with someone else? That’s a big no for him. He wants to keep you close enough that you don’t move on and find someone who might actually make you happy.
It’s selfish, really, and quite toxic. You deserve more than being someone’s backup plan. It’s time to walk away and find someone who values you for real.
He’s afraid of commitment
Maybe he’s got unresolved issues from a past committed relationship or is carrying some serious emotional baggage that makes the thought of settling down feel overwhelming.
Instead of being up-front about his fears, he keeps you hanging around because he enjoys your company and doesn’t want to let you go. But stringing you along isn’t fair.
He’s using his fear as an excuse to avoid making a real decision, and meanwhile, you’re stuck in relationship limbo. If he’s not ready to commit now, he probably won’t be anytime soon.
He’s not over his ex
If the guy you’re dating just got out of a serious relationship, he might not be ready to fully let go of it. But he still craves the comfort and attention of having someone around — and that someone is you.
He probably likes having you there to fill the void, but he’s emotionally unavailable because part of him is still stuck in his old relationship. He may not even realize he’s doing it. Being with you is his attempt to move on, but he’s clearly failing.
Until he’s truly moved on from his ex, he won’t be able to give you the commitment you deserve. Don’t settle for being a rebound or a distraction — you need someone who’s fully present and ready to invest in you, not someone still living in the past.
He’s waiting for you to break it off
Instead of manning up and ending things, he keeps stringing you along, hoping you’ll get frustrated enough to call it quits.
That way, he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt or discomfort of being the “bad guy.” It’s a manipulative move that lets him avoid responsibility. Deep down, he knows he’s not going to commit, but rather than being honest, he’s putting the burden on you to make the tough decision.
Don’t let him drag this out for his own convenience — you deserve clarity and someone who’s not afraid to be straight with you. If you sense he’s waiting for you to walk away, it’s probably time to do exactly that.
He’s not sure what he wants
He might be genuinely confused — about his feelings, his future, or even what a relationship means to him right now.
But while he’s figuring it out, you’re just sticking around, waiting for him to make up his mind. It’s frustrating because you’re investing time and energy into someone who’s basically stuck in decision paralysis.
It’s up to you to decide if you want to hang around while he figures it out. Perhaps he will! Sometimes, a guy can really be into you but afraid to admit it or show it. If you really like him and you’re having a good time, maybe just wait a little longer and see what happens.
He’s insecure
Insecure guys often struggle with self-doubt, so the idea of a serious relationship can feel overwhelming.
However, they still enjoy the boost of having you in their life, which helps inflate their ego. You’re like a safety net — someone who reassures them they’re desirable without requiring any real commitment.
It’s frustrating because you’re left wondering if he genuinely cares about you or if you’re just a confidence boost. If he can’t step up and tackle his insecurities, it might be time to step back and reevaluate your own worth.
How to Let Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You
It’s hard to accept that the connection you hoped for isn’t mutual, but clinging on will only prolong the heartache. Let’s explore practical ways to release those feelings and regain your power.
- Accept the reality: Acknowledge that he doesn’t want to commit to you. Accepting this truth is the first step in moving on.
- Acknowledge your feelings: Suppressing your emotions only prolongs the pain. Give yourself the grace to feel everything — cry, scream, vent. Accept that healing isn’t linear, and feeling bad now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel bad.
- Set boundaries: Staying in touch with him will only delay your healing. It’s hard, but cutting off contact (even temporarily) is crucial. This isn’t about being petty — it’s about protecting your peace and creating space to move on.
- Focus on yourself: Self-care means focusing on the things that make you feel good — whether that’s working out, revamping your skin-care routine, or rediscovering passions you set aside. Also consider journaling or practicing mindfulness, which can help you let go of the past and focus on the present.
- Lean on your support system: Surround yourself with friends and family who will listen to you rant and rave. Sometimes, hearing their perspective or just having someone to laugh with helps you move on.
- Reflect on the relationship: Take time to think about what worked and what didn’t. Understand why this relationship wasn’t right for you and avoid similar situations in the future.
- Plan your future: Focusing on long-term goals rather than dwelling on what’s lost can give you hope and a sense of purpose moving forward.
- Seek professional help: A professional can provide coping strategies and help you gain perspective, making the process of letting go a bit smoother.
- Celebrate small wins: Each day without contacting him or obsessing over him is a victory. Treat yourself to something small — a fancy coffee or a new outfit — as a reward for moving forward.
- Embrace new experiences: Stepping out of your comfort zone can distract you from the pain. Whether it’s trying a new class or meeting new people, fresh experiences can open the door to new possibilities.
Conclusion
If he’s avoiding defining the relationship, always making you initiate plans, ghosting you, or treating you like a placeholder, he’s not looking to commit and he probably doesn’t want a relationship at all.
And while it can be tough to accept that he’s just not that into you, it’s time to focus on yourself and what you truly deserve.
Trust me, your future self will thank you for prioritizing your happiness. Now go out there and find the love you deserve!
Want to learn more about starting a relationship? Check out the link!
FAQ
How long does it take for a guy to fall in love?
For a guy to fall in love, it usually takes a few months to a year. However, it’s different for each guy. Love grows as people spend time together and get to know each other better. Everyone is different, so there’s no exact timeline.
What do you do if the guy you like doesn’t want to be in a relationship?
If the guy you like doesn’t want to be in a relationship, it’s best not to try to force it. Instead, focus on yourself and your happiness. Remember, you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them.
How do you know if he’s just keeping you around?
You know he’s just keeping you around if he only contacts you when it’s convenient or doesn’t make plans. Watch for signs like him avoiding deep talks or never including you in his future plans. If you feel like a backup, it’s time to rethink the relationship.
References
1. Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2019). Ghosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(3), 905–924.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517748791
2. Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
3. Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2002). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484–495.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202287006
