Classic dating trope: Things are going well when, suddenly, he slams the brakes. What’s left of you when men pull away with no explanation is self-doubt, insecurity, and overanalyzing.
Exploring the reasons men pull away can help you tame the overthinking beast and understand what’s really going on.
Table of Contents
Common Reasons Why Guys Pull Away
Everything from unmet emotional needs to past trauma are possible factors that could contribute to an intimacy 180.
1. He’s not attracted to you
Let’s get this one over with. Would you ever up and leave a guy you were really attracted to? Unless there were some glaring red flags waving, probably not; the same thing is true with him.
One of the most common reasons why men pull away is low attraction. If he’s not feeling it, he’ll have no qualms about disappearing. On the other hand, a man who is highly attracted to you would never perform that kind of stunt. He wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings or risk the relationship.
That’s usually how two people treat each other when they’re really invested — they put their best foot forward. So, when a man pulls away, one reason could be he’s just not feeling it.
2. Your values are misaligned
Shared values are an important thing in relationships; this is especially true for people looking to settle down with a long-term partner.
And the research agrees; in fact, one study revealed that shared values within the context of a committed relationship were responsible for higher relationship quality. Van der Wal et al. explain, “Personal values are important variables in romantic relationship functioning.”
Not just any values but especially that of self-transcendence, or the ability to feel concern for others besides yourself, was “strongly and consistently associated with enhanced romantic relationship quality.”[1]
If the guy you’ve been seeing isn’t impressed by what you stand for and he feels like the two of you are not compatible in terms of your values, he may pull away and distance himself from the relationship.
3. You came on too strong
I was in a great relationship a few years ago — fantastic girl. She was smart, beautiful, had a good career, and, most importantly, cared about me. But there was a problem. She was quietly (but persistently) pushing me into things I wasn’t ready for.
It started with the relationship talk, followed by her dropping hints about moving in together and even insinuating about marriage — all of this in the first couple of months of dating.
It was too much, too soon.
If a guy is pulling away from you, it may be because you pushed for things (a label, a commitment, a ring . . .) a little too fast, creating pressure and expectations that caused him to feel trapped, grasping frantically at his freedom and independence.
If your goal is a serious, long-term relationship, the last thing you want to do is place unfair expectations on your partner. Instead, focus on getting to know him better and building intimacy and connection.
Therapist and author Maria Baratta cautions, “Dating is about trying to figure out if the person is for you. And that takes time. Some people will say that they ‘just know,’ but many have been wrong. And that can hurt.”[2]
Slowing things down not only gives you the opportunity to get to know the guy better but it also prevents the blowback from trying to shoehorn a relationship into someone’s life who may or may not be ready for it.
4. The ex came back
If you’re dating a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend or separated from his wife, it’s possible she is still in the picture. Since he has more time in with her than with you, he might naturally gravitate toward that relationship over yours.
This is especially true if their relationship ended on positive terms.
In fact, a study published by the American Psychological Association revealed that people prefer familiarity over novelty.[3]
Winet and O’Brien, who conducted the study, explain, “As participants faced a shrinking window of opportunity to enjoy a general category of experience . . . their hedonic preferences shifted away from new and exciting options and toward old favorites.”
So, if a guy randomly pulls away, and you know you haven’t done anything wrong, he may be shifting back to his ex because he thinks she’s more of a sure thing.
This is one of the reasons it’s so important to stay both objective and unattached while dating someone casually. An old flame comes back, he decides to rekindle things with her, and just like that, it’s over.
5. Bad timing
Sometimes, a guy will pull away simply because the timing just isn’t right. Timing is more important in dating than people realize.
You can meet a guy you’re totally into who is going through a major life transition, such as a career change, losing a loved one, going through financial hardship, or returning to school to get his degree. You never know what’s going on in the background.
Dr. Rick Nauert published an article on Psych Central explaining how important timing is in relationships. He wrote, “Timing plays a critical role for relationship success. Timing may be thought of as the subjective sense that now is the right moment to be intimately involved with someone on an ongoing basis.”[4]
6. He’s emotionally unavailable
The emotionally unavailable man. Classic. One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable man is difficulty being present in the relationship. While the roots of his emotional unavailability might not have anything to do with you directly, this tendency could affect you in the long run.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships revealed that emotional unavailability (from either or both partners) can negatively impact relationship quality. In fact, the study concluded that an unresponsive partner can actually undermine your own sense of emotional well-being.[5]
Essentially, you dodged a bullet, ma’am.
7. He has commitment issues
He may have a deep-rooted fear of commitment that causes him to pull away anytime he feels himself getting too close to you. The fear of commitment is pretty misunderstood. People tend to think this just means a guy wants to be a playboy, but the roots go deeper than that.
In fact, research published in the Journal of Scientific Exploration revealed that the fear of intimacy or being controlled (two of the more common fears for men in relationships) wasn’t nearly as high as the fear of commitment.
Lange et al. reveal, “Few men mentioned fear of intimacy or fear of being controlled. Moreover, about the same number of women reported these feelings as did the men in the study. However, significantly more men than women expressed fear of commitment.”[6]
So, if your man pulls away, a fear of commitment could be at the root of his flaky behavior.
8. He’s a player
Then again, maybe he is just a playboy. Perhaps he’s too preoccupied with his fly-by-the-night bachelor lifestyle to give much thought to a committed, long-term relationship.
If that’s the case, you’ll definitely see this dude coming and going, as he really only wants one thing. . . .
At this point, you get to decide: stay and have some fun with Ol’ Loosey Goosey until Mr. Right comes along or you bounce and move on.
While the decision is yours to make, the player types are usually more trouble than they’re worth — just saying.
9. He likes you but he’s bad at this
Let’s face it . . . Most guys will not be Casanova (which is probably a good thing, actually).
With that in mind, there’s a good chance he genuinely thinks the world of you but still pulls away just because, well, he may not have a clue what he’s doing.
So, let’s cut him some slack. Like trying to assemble IKEA furniture or keeping a houseplant alive, he may just suck at this relationship thing.
Maybe he has feelings but is scared to admit it or maybe he doesn’t want to come on too strong, so he intentionally pulls back. Whatever the case, it’s important to realize he may not be as confident in relationships as he might be in other areas.
None of us is perfect, right?
What to Do When He Pulls Away
Don’t just mope around feeling vulnerable and unwanted. That’s not what our foremothers wanted for you.
Give him space
When a man pulls away, let him go. If he returns, it’s because you still have his hoodie — I mean . . . it was meant to be.
In all seriousness, giving him space when he’s unilaterally decided to limit the relationship is the best thing you can do, not just to increase the odds of him coming back but also for your own self-respect.
Dignity dictates that you’re only going to spend your time with those who want to spend time with you. So, as much as you may not like it, you have to let him go.
This reaction should feel counterintuitive for all of one day. Your immediate natural instinct when he becomes distant might be to chase him, text him, call him, break into his house and sleep in his bed.
You’ll come to your senses within 24 hours. After all, there’s a queue behind him, ain’t there?
Use the break to reflect on the relationship
Sometimes, gaining perspective can only happen when you take a step back.
Taking a break can be the perfect opportunity to reassess things. Who knows, maybe him creating that distance was exactly what you needed to learn what you don’t want in a man.
As a result, this break can be the impetus for you to just move on from the relationship and start fresh. Either way, now is the time to reflect, to see what went wrong and if you can avoid the same mistakes with the next one.
Be happy (but not too happy) to hear from him
He’ll likely be back if you give him the space he needs. He knows the high-value woman he nearly gave up. He just needed time to sort out his feelings.
And when he does contact you again (and this is key), be happy to hear from him. Don’t try to guilt trip him over his flaky behavior. As justified as you are to do so, it will only make you look ungenerous.
Be nonchalant and act as if you didn’t even notice he was gone. Not only will he be relieved that you’re happy to hear from him, but he’ll also start to wonder why you didn’t seem to notice (or care) that he was gone in the first place.
A word to the wise, though. This artfully disinterested façade only works for so long. Don’t play too much.
Let him do the work
If he continually yo-yos in and out of the relationship, you don’t want to reward that behavior. Instead, it’s better to make him put in an effort to earn your affection again.
This doesn’t mean you ignore him or play hard-to-get when he reaches out. That’s giving toxic vibes. It just means you’re going to let him do the heavy lifting to piece the relationship back together and regain your trust.
You do this to gauge his level of investment. If he expects you to pick up where you left off, the joke’s on him this time. It’s not out of the question for you to need proof he’s in it to win it.
Here are a few practical ways you can let me do the work to win you back:
- Let him call and text: Even if he’s genuinely sorry and you have a passionate night together, do not call or text him at all (at least not the next morning). Winning you back after continually pulling away will take more than an apology and one good night of the Indoor Olympics.
- Meet on your terms: Invite him to your place for at least the first few dates. If you want him to earn you back, he has to come to you.
- Give it time: He needs to build your trust if he wants a second chance, which will take some time. You want to see a track record of him showing his commitment.
You should follow these guidelines for at least the first few dates after getting back together. It’s not manipulative; it’s you protecting yourself from a Good Time Charlie. Once you’ve seen that he’s willing to go the extra mile, you can start rebalancing things again.
Never burn a bridge
Emotions are fickle. They come and go, and they rise and fall. What he feels one day may be the exact opposite of what he feels the next. For this reason, you want to always leave the door open when a guy pulls away. Never burn a bridge.
You may be tempted (or even justified) to let your frustration go on a rampage. However, it’s probably best not to dig your keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive or carve your name into his leather seats.
Instead, just tell him to get in touch when he changes his mind. But there is a caveat to this point. . . . If he does come back, don’t be in such a rush to put a label on your relationship.
As far as you’re concerned, he’s on probation in your eyes until you see a genuine (and permanent) change.
Signs He Will Come Back After Pulling Away
Just because a dude pumps the brakes on your relationship doesn’t mean all is lost. There are countless things that could cause him to back away that, honestly, have nothing to do with you.
The good news is that there are a couple of telltale signs he will come back after pulling away.
He engages with you on social media
If you see him constantly checking out your Instagram stories or liking your Facebook posts (wait, people are still on Facebook?), there’s a good chance he’ll be back.
He is obviously still interested if he’s keeping tabs on your social media profiles.
The key here is to not get carried away when you see him liking or commenting on your posts. It’s easy to see his online engagement as an indicator of a green light to contact him, but it’s not.
He checks in on you
You may find him periodically sending a text or email to check in on you. This is not an innocent “just checking in to see if you’re okay” type of message. More than likely, he’s testing the waters to see where you’re at.
He may be fishing to determine if you still have any romantic feelings for him. As a result, he’ll hide his interest behind a casual check-in. You’ll know this is definitely the case if he asks you to meet up or reconnect in person.
He admits to missing you
Time apart can make him realize how good he had it. For this reason, chances are high that he’ll reach out, admitting his feelings and how much he misses you. And this is actually pretty common in breakups.
In fact, one study surveyed over 270 participants in on-again, off-again relationships about why they chose to reenter their relationships.[7]
Dailey et al. revealed that “lingering feelings was by far the most common category cited, indicating that many participants had continued feelings for their partner or missed their partner after the breakups.”
So, when you get that late-night, I-miss-you text from him, the subtext of that message is basically, “Please, take me back.”
Conclusion
It’s hard to know exactly why men pull away. It could be any number of things, which means all you can really do is speculate.
So, don’t beat yourself up if a guy decides to call it quits. He’s just a chapter in your story; someone else will eventually come along.
For additional guidance on ending a relationship, follow the link.
FAQs
What should you not do when he pulls away?
What you don’t want to do when he pulls away is continue to pursue. If he needs distance, halt all forward movement of the relationship. No calling, texting, emailing, social media messages, nothing. Complete radio silence is your next best move, but don’t make it malicious. If you come across him socially, be warm, friendly, and mature.
Why do men act interested and then disappear?
There are many reasons why men act interested and then disappear. It could be because an ex came back into the picture, he’s going through a tough time in his life, or he just isn’t that into you. Whatever the case, your response is the same: Give him the space he’s asked for.
Is he pulling away or am I overthinking?
The trick to determine whether he’s really pulling away or you’re just overthinking lies in his actions, not in how you feel. If he doesn’t return calls or texts, spends less and less time with you, and generally isn’t putting in much effort, he’s pulling away. However, if he’s present and doing his part to move your relationship forward and you still feel that way, you’re probably overthinking.
References
1. van der Wal, R. C., Litzellachner, L. F., Karremans, J. C., Buiter, N., Breukel, J., & Maio, G. R. (2024). Values in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 50(7), 1066–1079.
https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231156975
2. Baratta, M. (2021). Moving too fast can derail a potential relationship. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/skinny-revisited/202101/moving-too-fast-can-derail-a-potential-relationship
3. Winet, Y. K., & O’Brien, E. (2023). Ending on a familiar note: Perceived endings motivate repeat consumption. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 124(4), 707–734.
https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000321
4. Nauert, R. (2020). Relationship commitment: Timing is everything. Psych Central.
https://psychcentral.com/news/2020/06/12/relationship-commitment-timing-is-everything#1
5. Poucher, J., Prager, K. J., Shirvani, F., Parsons, J., & Patel, J. (2022). Intimacy, attachment to the partner, and daily well-being in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(6), 1574–1601.
https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211060392
6. Lange, R., Jerabek, I., & Dagnall, N. (2023). Testing the popular belief that men have commitment issues. Journal of Scientific Exploration, 36(4), 677–681.
https://doi.org/10.31275/20222469
7. Dailey, R. M., Jin, B., Pfiester, A., & Beck, G. (2011). On-again/off-again dating relationships: What keeps partners coming back? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(4), 417–440.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2010.503249
