It may take a while for dating after the death of a spouse to feel “normal.” But with a little practice, and a lot of kindness to yourself, you can refocus all the love built up inside you.
Let this be your guide to getting back out there, whenever and however feels right to you.
Table of Contents
Tips for Dating After the Death of a Spouse
Getting back to dating is like learning to swim all over again. Your grief counselor might have given you the green light and your kids might be subtly (or not so subtly) creating your dating profile, but knowing you’re ready and feeling ready are two totally different things.
1. Take time to process your grief
Grief doesn’t run on a timer, and everyone’s process looks different. Some people feel ready to date after a year, others take five, and both are totally okay. What’s most important is allowing yourself to grieve and moving forward gently and with intention.
You don’t need to jump back into dating just because people say it’s time. Make sure you’re actually ready to open up to someone new. If you’re unsure, consider talking to a therapist. They’ll help you sort out any lingering grief and give you the green light to move forward.
2. Acknowledge feelings of guilt
Guilt after your spouse dies can creep up at the oddest times, like when the cute barista at your local coffee shop locks eyes with you for the fifth time this week. Every time you smile back, you suddenly get a pit in your stomach, followed by feelings of guilt and shame.
Feeling guilty about moving on is completely normal. But finding happiness again doesn’t mean you’re forgetting or disrespecting your late spouse. You’re actually honoring them by letting yourself live a full life.
They loved you because you have such a big heart — they’d want that heart to keep on loving. So, give yourself some self-compassion as you start exploring new connections. It’ll help you release the guilt, bit by bit.
3. Communicate openly with potential partners
When you’re starting something new, honesty really is the best policy. Be up-front about your situation — if you’re still going through mixed emotions, say so.
When you meet someone new, tell them, “Just so you know, I’m a widow/er. Some days I’m a ball of excitement, others I’m a hot mess.” The right person will appreciate your vulnerability and want to understand where you’re coming from. Plus, it helps set expectations from the start.
This kind of open communication takes the pressure off trying to act a certain way. Instead, it lets you both start from a place of understanding.
4. Set personal boundaries
Setting personal boundaries is a must when diving back into the dating pool. Think about what you’re comfortable with — maybe discussing your late spouse feels too heavy right now or perhaps you’re not ready for anything serious just yet.
As researcher and self-help author Dr. Brené Brown notes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”[1]
Whatever it is, being clear about your limits helps you feel safe and respected, which turns dating into a healthier experience. Remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re protective barriers that allow you to be yourself without pressure. Plus, they help filter out anyone who doesn’t respect your journey.
5. Let go of expectations
When you’re getting back into the game after loss, the pressure to find your new forever person can be intense. But that’s a surefire way to psych yourself out before you even get to the first date.
Instead, focus on enjoying the journey. Embrace each moment for what it is and remember that it’s okay to take things slow. Maybe this new cutie will turn into something serious, maybe they won’t.
Research by sociology professor Deborah Carr, who studies spousal bereavement, writes that “widow(er)s who let go of outcome-based thinking had an easier time feeling fulfilled, regardless of relationship status.”[2]
So, relax, have fun, and see where things go. The right person will find you when the time is right.
6. Be kind to yourself
Being kind to yourself is so important when stepping into dating after a long time. Expect some ups, some downs, and maybe a few “What am I even doing?” moments.
It’s perfectly normal if everything feels complicated or awkward at first — so don’t be too hard on yourself. Recognize the small steps you’re taking, even if it’s just saying “yes” to a coffee date or surviving an awkward first date.
Each little step forward is progress. Celebrate those wins, even if they feel tiny. The goal is to go easy on yourself and let this journey unfold at your own pace. You’re doing great!
7. Practice self-care
Sometimes, dating can feel like a full-contact sport on a good day, let alone when you’re healing from loss. That’s why self-care needs to be your #1 priority when you’re getting back out there. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself first.
Get enough rest, eat nutritious foods, and engage in activities that light you up — like bingeing your favorite shows or diving into a hobby. Consider using journaling to log your feelings about dating as you embark on this new step.
Think of self-care as filling your emotional gas tank; if it’s running low, you won’t have the energy to connect with others. Plus, the better you feel about yourself, the more fun you’ll have on those dates. You’re not just looking for love; you’re building a life that feels good, one step at a time!
8. Lean on support systems
You don’t have to go through this dating journey alone. In fact, I’d highly recommend surrounding yourself with your trusted crew, whether that’s your bestie, your sibling, or your local support group.
Loved ones can offer a shoulder to lean on when you’re feeling discouraged, give you a pep talk before a big first date, or just listen without judgment when you need to vent. Plus, they might even be your personal cheerleading squad — you know, the ones who high-five you for simply putting yourself out there.
Having a supportive circle around you takes some pressure off, making the whole experience feel less intimidating and way more doable.
9. Trust your instincts
When you’re getting back into dating, your gut feelings are your best friend. If something — or someone — doesn’t feel right, don’t brush it off. You’ve been through a lot, so trust yourself to know what’s best for you.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a vibe you can’t shake or a situation that feels forced; either way, it’s okay to walk away. Dating should feel comfortable, not like a chore or something you have to push yourself through.
You’re allowed to be picky and take things at your own pace. So trust your instincts and give yourself permission to hit pause if you need to.
Challenges of Dating After Death of Spouse
Unique challenges come with dating after a spouse dies. It’s a delicate balance — honoring your past while cautiously moving forward, all while struggling with grief, guilt, and uncertainty.
1. Comparing new partners to your late spouse
He was a real catch, wasn’t he? Comparing new partners to your late spouse is completely normal. After all, this person was such a huge part of your life, it’s only natural to measure others against him.
But no one will ever be exactly like your spouse.
That’s not a bad thing, though! Embracing a new partner for who they are can help you appreciate their unique qualities without expecting them to be a replica. Think of it as starting a new chapter with a fresh character — not a replacement, but someone with their own charm.
Letting go of comparisons can open up space for new, meaningful connections.
2. Handling reactions from family and friends
Oof, the opinions of our loved ones — can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em! When you’re dipping your toes back into the dating pool, brace yourself for some, shall we say, lively commentary from the peanut gallery.
Some may be overeager to set you up, while others might give you the stink-eye for even considering it. Balancing all these well-meaning opinions with what you actually want can be a challenge.
This is your journey, not theirs. It’s okay to thank them for their concern but still set your own pace. This is another place where setting clear boundaries will really help. Dating again after such a huge loss is a big step, and only you can decide when it feels right.
3. Managing personal triggers and memories
When you’re out on a date with a new person after losing a spouse, and you’re having a pretty good time, something might trigger a memory of your late spouse — a favorite restaurant, certain conversations, or even anniversaries may suddenly remind you of your grief, stirring up a fresh wave of sorrow.
These moments can be tough to get through, especially with someone new. Being open about your feelings — maybe even letting your date know that certain places or topics might feel heavy — can help both of you handle these moments with patience and understanding.
As relationship guru Dr. John Gottman puts it in his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, “Openly discussing emotional triggers and being empathetic towards each other’s perspectives can help in resolving conflicts and strengthening the relationship.”[3]
It’s okay to carry those memories with you, and the right person will understand that they’re part of your journey.
4. Adjusting to modern dating practices
If you’ve been out of the dating game for years, modern dating practices might feel like they’re from another planet. Swiping left, talking vs. dating, deciphering emojis, managing “seen” statuses — it’s a lot. Online dating, with its endless apps and constant texting, can feel overwhelming or downright awkward.
You don’t have to dive into every trend. Start slow, dip a toe into online dating if you’re curious, and stick to what feels right for you. Dating should feel like an adventure, not a tech boot camp! Find your comfort zone and let that guide your way forward.
Here are a few tips to help ease into modern dating:
- Start with one app: Instead of juggling multiple dating apps, pick one that feels user-friendly and go from there. This keeps things manageable while you get the hang of online dating.
- Be honest in your profile: Authenticity goes a long way. Write a profile that feels like you, mentioning your interests and what you’re looking for, so people get a genuine sense of who you are.
- Take your time with texting: Don’t feel pressured to respond instantly or text constantly. Reply when you’re ready and remember that good communication doesn’t mean you have to be glued to your phone.
- Video call first: Before committing to an in-person meet-up, consider a short video call. It can help you feel more comfortable and give you a sense of the person beyond their profile.
- Set boundaries around social media: If social media is new or uncomfortable, decide early on how much you want to share. Some people jump straight into connecting online, while others prefer to keep it private until things get more serious.
- Embrace the fun: Dating doesn’t have to be a high-stakes mission. Enjoy meeting new people, take it one step at a time, and let the experience feel more like discovery than a to-do list.
- Don’t bother with apps if you don’t want to: Meet people the old-fashioned way: at the dog park, of course. In all seriousness, if you’re not comfortable with dating sites or dating apps, don’t worry about it. There are other ways to meet people.
5. Finding the right time to discuss your loss
Finding the right moment to talk about your loss with someone new can feel like walking a tightrope. You worry about oversharing too soon or, on the flip side, feeling like you’re holding back.
There’s no rulebook here — opening up should happen on your timeline. If someone is genuinely interested in you, they’ll respect your pace and appreciate your honesty. When you do decide to share, it’s an opportunity to build trust and show that you’re ready for genuine connection.
Take a breath, trust yourself, and let the conversation unfold naturally.
6. Balancing grief and new joy
One moment, you’re enjoying the laughter and connection, and the next, grief sneaks in to remove you from the present joy and transport you right back to sadness.
It’s completely okay to experience joy and sadness at the same time — it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting anyone. If the person you’re dating notices and reacts with kindness, well, now you’re talking major green flag energy.
Embrace the mix of feelings; it’s part of your healing journey. Allowing yourself to feel both can lead to deeper connections with new partners and help you honor your past while opening up to new possibilities.
How to Know When You’re Ready to Date
There’s no magical timeline for when you should start dating after losing your spouse — and DON’T let anyone tell you otherwise. Your mother-in-law might think it’s “too soon,” while your best friend is already trying to set you up with her cousin.
1. You feel comfortable with the idea of meeting new people
If the thought of meeting someone new feels more exciting than draining, that’s a good sign. Instead of feeling weighed down or simply uninterested, you’re curious about who’s out there and what connections you might make. You’ve reacquainted yourself with your inner hopeless romantic.
That little spark of excitement means you’re opening up to new possibilities and new experiences. It’s natural to feel a bit nervous; it just means you’re human. What’s important is feeling more curious than terrified about the possibility of connection.
Taking this step shows you’re embracing the present and leaving room for whatever — and whoever — might come next.
2. You’ve worked through the stages of grief
Grief doesn’t just disappear. In fact, it usually manifests in five stages:
- Denial: Shock and disbelief, struggling to accept the reality of the loss.
- Anger: Feelings of frustration, helplessness, and even anger directed at the situation or others.
- Bargaining: Attempts to make deals or imagine “what if” scenarios to reverse or lessen the loss.
- Depression: Deep sadness and reflection as the reality of the loss fully sinks in.
- Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss, finding a way to move forward with peace.[4]
Don’t expect these stages to progress linearly. Like most things emotional, grief is not linear. You might take two steps forward and one step back. That’s perfectly natural. When you’ve eventually reached acceptance, it might mean you have room for something new
Getting to a place where your emotions feel steadier and less overwhelming shows you’re creating emotional space. This doesn’t mean you won’t still miss your spouse; it means those feelings aren’t so front-and-center that they cloud everything else.
3. Memories of your spouse bring warmth instead of intense sadness
Remember when finding their old coffee mug in the cupboard would send you into a crying spiral that lasted three days? Now, you might actually smile when you use it, thinking about how they always made the coffee too strong for you.
That’s not being cold — that’s healing!
When memories start feeling more like a warm hug than a punch to the gut, you’re in a good place. Your love story has become your favorite book. You know all the chapters by heart, but you’re ready to start reading something new. And that’s perfectly okay!
4. You’re comfortable talking about your loss
If you can talk about your late spouse with a sense of calm instead of overwhelming grief, it’s a good sign you’re in a place to start dating again.
Being able to share memories without feeling consumed by sadness means you’ve made peace with that chapter of your life. It’s a balance — honoring your past without letting it hold you back.
It just means you’ve found your footing in this new normal. Your love story is part of who you are, not a secret you need to keep locked in an emotional vault. Moving forward doesn’t mean leaving them behind; it just means carrying them with you in a healthy way.
5. You’re clear on what you want moving forward
Maybe you’re looking for someone to binge-watch true crime docs with or maybe you want the whole enchilada — romance, handholding, the works. There’s no shame in being a hopeless romantic.
The point is you’re not just floating around in a should-I-or-shouldn’t-I no-man’s-land. You’ve got a map (or at least a rough sketch) of where you want this journey to go.
Clarity on what you want means you’ve done some self-reflection, and it helps you avoid situations that don’t fit your needs. Plus, knowing your goals keeps you from getting swept up in someone else’s expectations. You’re in control here, so trust yourself to make choices that work for you.
How to Deal With Judgment From Others
Everyone seems to have an opinion about when you should start dating again. Your sister-in-law’s trying to set you up with a guy from church six months on, while your neighbor keeps unsubtly mentioning how their cousin “waited five years” before dating again.
People’s judgments often say more about their own fears, insecurities, and misunderstandings about grief than about your choices. Everyone’s healing journey is different, and it’s ok if yours doesn’t look like someone else’s.
Here are some ways to handle others’ judgment and stay focused on what’s best for you:
- Set boundaries for conversations: Politely let others know if certain topics are off-limits. It’s okay to say, “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I need to figure out on my own.” Setting boundaries can prevent well-meaning but unhelpful input.
- Keep your circle close: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who understand and respect your journey to drown out unnecessary noise from others.
- Remind yourself of your journey: Only you know what feels right for you, and that’s what matters. Trust your timeline and remind yourself that your choices are valid, no matter what others say.
- Limit your exposure to judgmental people: If certain friends or family members are consistently unsupportive, it’s okay to take some space. You can control how much time and energy you spend with certain people.
- Focus on self-compassion: Be kind to yourself about your choices, knowing that each step forward is a positive move in your healing.
- Seek support from others in similar situations: Talking to other widows or widowers who are dating can help normalize your experience.
- Redirect the conversation: If someone’s comments are uncomfortable, gently change the subject. Shifting focus can help you avoid a confrontation while still maintaining control over the interaction.
- Own your story: If you choose to, confidently share why you’re dating again. Often, simply explaining your reasons can help others understand and may reduce the judgment you feel from them.
Moving On Too Quickly After Death of Spouse
I get it — sometimes the silence in your house is so loud it feels like it’s screaming, and the empty side of the bed might as well be the Grand Canyon. And sure, that charming electrician who replaced your dodgy wiring is starting to look like an especially tempting reason to get back out there. (It’s the belt.)
But while there’s no universal timeline for dating after loss (and I’ll fight anyone who says there is), there are some solid reasons to pump those brakes just a bit.
- Allowing space for grief: Rushing into a new relationship too soon can delay the healthy processing of emotions, which may come back later if left unaddressed.
- Honoring your relationship and memories: Taking time to reflect on your late spouse’s role in your life allows you to cherish memories without feeling pressured to replace them.
- Avoiding emotional overload: Entering a new relationship when emotions are still raw can make it harder to fully connect with someone new. Giving yourself time to heal helps prevent transferring unresolved feelings onto a new partner.
- Rebuilding your sense of self: After the loss of a spouse, rediscovering your identity outside of that relationship is important. Taking time to reconnect with who you are as an individual can help you enter a new relationship with a stronger sense of self.
- Preventing “Band-Aid” relationships: Moving on too quickly may lead to relationships that serve as temporary distractions rather than meaningful connections.
- Being ready for commitment: Dating often comes with expectations and commitments that require emotional availability. Giving yourself the time to heal determines if you’re ready for these responsibilities again.
- Respecting your emotional timeline: Grief has no expiration date, and there’s no rush to meet anyone else’s expectations. Taking the time you need means that any new relationships are built on genuine readiness, not external pressure.
Average Time to Remarry After the Death of a Spouse
Truly, there’s no magic number, and anyone who tells you there is probably also believes in unicorns.
But since you’re here for some actual data (and not just me telling you to follow your heart), let’s look at what statistics tell us. According to the US Census Bureau’s Americans’ Family and Living Arrangements study, the median time for remarriage among widowed Americans who choose to remarry is about 3.8 years.[5]
Of course, that’s remarrying. Data is scarce on dating, which is quite an ethereal concept to measure.
What it comes down to is there’s no rush to meet anyone’s arbitrary timeline, despite what society or well-meaning friends might suggest. Only YOU can know when you’re genuinely ready to commit again.
Will I Ever Find Love Again?
Absolutely! While it may seem impossible now, love can bloom again, even after the darkest of times. Losing a spouse is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, and it’s normal to wonder if that kind of connection could ever happen twice.
But your capacity for love didn’t die with your spouse. If anything, loving and losing someone has probably given you emotional superpowers. You’re not the same person you were when you first fell in love — you’re wiser, stronger, and ready to love differently.
Your next chapter won’t look like your last one, and that’s okay. You’re simply opening your heart to the possibility of adding more love to your life. And trust me, your heart has plenty of room!
Conclusion
Starting to date after losing a spouse is a journey — one that’s personal, sometimes messy, and completely unique to you. There’s no “right” timeline or perfect way to move forward. What matters most is listening to yourself, taking things at your own pace, and knowing it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions.
Grief and joy can exist together, and there’s no rulebook saying you can’t hold onto past love while opening your heart to new possibilities. Trust yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that finding happiness again is part of honoring the love you shared.
Looking for more advice about getting into a relationship? Follow the link!
FAQs
How long should you wait to date after a spouse dies?
There is no set timeline for how long you should wait to date after a spouse dies. Some people feel ready within a year, while others need five years or more. The right time is whenever you feel emotionally prepared to open your heart to someone new. Don’t let others pressure you one way or the other. Just focus on your own healing process.
How do you date someone who lost their spouse?
Dating someone who’s lost their spouse requires understanding and patience. Be compassionate if they need time or space. Don’t try to “fix” their grief; just listen. Celebrate their late spouse’s memory together. Most importantly, let them set the pace for the relationship.
How long does grief last after the death of a spouse?
Grief after the death of a spouse can last for a long time, but everyone experiences grief in their own way. For many, grief comes in waves. It may not ever really go away but you may find that coping becomes easier as the months and years pass. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if you need help adjusting.
References
1. Brown, B. (2022). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Simon and Schuster.
http://dspace.kottakkalfarookcollege.edu
2. Carr, D. S., Nesse, R. M., & Wortman, C. B. (Eds.). (2005). Spousal bereavement in late life. Springer Publishing Company.
3. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
http://dspace.vnbrims.org
4. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving. Scribner.
https://grief.com/images/pdf/5%20Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf
5. United States Census Bureau. (2021). America’s families and living arrangements: 2021. United States government.
https://www.census.gov/data/tables/2021/demo/families/cps-2021.html
