The minefield of modern dating has created a lot of unnecessary confusion.
Things that used to be simple and straightforward are now uncertain and unclear. Case in point: Communication. Not only do you not know what to say, you can’t even decide if you should say anything at all.
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Girl, stop it.
This line of thinking is burning precious brain calories that could be put to better use. Here are 12 simple texting rules that can help you answer the ever-daunting question, “Should I text him?”
Key Takeaways
- Don’t let societal pressure dictate how you show up in your relationships.
- Be honest and forthright in the way you navigate the dating world.
- Texting someone you want to grow closer to is a healthy, mature way to develop a loving relationship.
- Show your interest, but also be sure that the other person reciprocates
Rule 1: Keep It Short
It’s hard to get to know someone over text.
All the endorphin-inducing dings, emoji-filled messages, and sexually suggestive undertones can’t replace a face-to-face interaction. In other words, you can’t build a relationship through a screen. So, save the endless flirting and life story sharing for when you meet in person.
This is not to say you can’t flirt or talk about your lives through text; it just means you don’t want to get stuck there. So, keep your messages short, sweet, and to the point.
Three or four messages back and forth are all you need before making plans to meet up in person.
Rule 2: Show Enthusiasm
Don’t send dry, dull, and monotone text messages when he reaches out.
You’ll make him think you’re disinterested, even if that’s not the case. Add a little spice and personality! Use exclamation marks, emojis, or even a silly pet name (if you’re comfortable enough with him). He wants to see that you’re excited to hear from him, so show some enthusiasm!
Now, you don’t need to go overboard with this.
You want to keep a good balance. There’s a fine line between showing enthusiasm and giving off a stage-five clinger vibe.
Rule 3: Flirt With Him (a Little)
You’re sexy, and you know it.
He needs to know it, too. So, communicate that to him by showing confidence through flirty text messages. Challenge him playfully, use emojis to convey your interest, or send photos and gifs to add animation to the text exchange.
Kira Newman, managing director of Greater Good, explains that playful language can even help you tackle serious topics. She says, “You can bring something up playfully — maybe a sexual request or an emotion you’re feeling — and gauge the response.”[1]
However, don’t get too carried away by the butterflies in your stomach.
It’s easy to overdo it. How do you know if you’re coming on too strong? If his interest appears to wane, it may be a sign that you’ve been a bit overeager.
Rule 4: Bring Up Topics He’s Passionate About
Whether he’s a car buff always spending time in his mancave working on his convertible or a sports fan who can name every player in the NFL, talking about his passions does two things for you:
- It shows you’re attentive and care about what’s important to him.
- It grows his attraction and makes him more interested in you.
Be curious and inquisitive about the things he finds fascinating. You don’t have to like them yourself. But by showing a genuine desire to learn about them, you’re communicating that you care about what he cares about — major points.
Rule 5: Ask Questions About Him
Everyone’s favorite topic: themselves.
Knowing this, you can easily get a text exchange going by asking questions about him. There is a caveat here, though. Try to avoid the typical, boring questions of “What do you do for work?” or “What do you do for fun?” These do little or nothing to create a spark.
Instead, ask him questions that elicit a fun answer:
- What’s the most unique thing about you?
- What are you most passionate about in life?
- How do you think your friends/family would describe you?
The idea is to ask questions he’ll enjoy answering. You’re also trying to steer the conversation in fun and unexpected directions while learning as much as you can about him.
Rule 6: Give Genuine Compliments
A genuine compliment goes a long way.
In fact, according to psychologist John Gottman, the healthiest relationships are ones where praising outnumbers criticisms by a ratio of more than one to five.[2]
What does this mean for you when texting with a new dating prospect?
Don’t withhold compliments. If you’re texting a guy after a date, shower him with praise. Whether you’re acknowledging his confidence, wardrobe choice, intellect, or his ability to make you feel comfortable, a sincere compliment will put him on cloud nine.
When he sees his phone light up with your approval, he’ll feel like he can move mountains.
Rule 7: Use His Name
According to Jodi Schulz, Children and Youth Institute co-director at Michigan State University Extension, using someone’s name in conversation demonstrates respect and recognition.[3]
Why does that matter?
Because one of the most important qualities men desire in their relationships with women is respect. They crave and deeply desire your respect and affection. Such a big need can be met by the simple act of using his name in a text message.
Rule 8: Put in Effort
If all you’re texting him when you reach out is “Hi,” don’t be surprised when you get a similar low-effort response (if you get one at all).
You may think this is a variation of you playing hard to get. It’s simply rude to the person on the receiving end of the message. Now, I’m not saying you have to write a novel. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend doing that either (more on that in rule 11).
But people are turned off by a lack of certainty and the threat of rejection. A study published in Computers in Human Behavior found that people “are inclined to perceive . . . potentially rejecting partners as less sexually attractive, thereby reducing their desire for future interactions with them and the likelihood of future hurt.”[4]
It’s critical that you put in enough effort to show him you’re genuinely interested. If he feels the same, he’ll reciprocate.
Rule 9: Vary Your Response Time
You don’t always need to be available when he texts you.
That can give off the impression that you don’t have much going on in your life — you’re landing dangerously close to desperation territory. The idea is to be a little unpredictable by varying your response time. This approach keeps things interesting and exciting, as it makes you more of a challenge.
Now, I’m not saying you should take days to text back. That’s manipulative.
Instead, just be a little more unpredictable. If you texted a reply to one of his messages right away, respond to the next one in an hour or two, and then maybe take 10 or 15 minutes to respond to the one after that.
You get the idea.
Rule 10: Save the Jokes
As convenient as texting is, it has its drawbacks.
The main one? A lot is lost in translation via text. You can’t hear the other person’s tone or see their body language and facial expressions. As a result, any jokes can easily be taken the wrong way since you’re limited to only words on a screen while texting.
For this reason, it’s best to save the jokes until you get together in person.
Rule 11: Don’t Be a Novelist
When you really like a guy, it can be tempting to spill your life story over text.
Don’t do it. No paragraph texting allowed. Sending giant walls of text that read like a novel can be a total turnoff; this kind of word vomit makes you appear unhinged. As a result, he may take it as a sign to “approach with caution,” or worse, possibly eject altogether.
Anything longer than a couple of paragraphs can and should be said in person.
Rule 12: Check Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation
Spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors may seem harmless on the surface.
However, they do influence how the person on the other end of that sloppiness perceives you. Autocorrect is your best friend — use it. Clean up your messages so you come off as the classy, sophisticated woman you are instead of an illiterate teenager.
Also, kill the acronyms in your texting lexicon. BRB, LMAO, IMO, you name it; they all have to die. They’re lazy expressions that don’t do anything to contribute to a fun, flirty conversation.
Should I Text Him First or Wait?
There is validity to both sides of this question.
If you text a guy too much (especially early on), you could turn him off and run the risk of driving him away. However, if you always wait for him to text you, he may think you’re playing games and get turned off as a result anyway.
The solution? Don’t think too much about these nuances.
Inflation is skyrocketing, the singularity is imminent, the US national debt is knocking on the door of 35 trillion dollars, and you’re stressing about whether or not you should text the guy first? Girl, come on . . .
I’m not trying to be insensitive (modern dating is tough); I just want to put things into perspective.
Here’s the truth: If you want to see him, text him. Holding back your desire because you’re trying to follow some unwritten dating rule is inauthentic — with yourself and with him.
Should I Text a Guy or Leave Him Alone? Double Texting Explained
Ah, the double-texting conundrum.
Tell me if you relate to this scenario: You haven’t heard anything from the new guy since your last date. So, you decide to reach out. You send him a message expecting to receive a prompt reply. One minute passes, followed by five, and then ten.
An hour goes by, and still nothing.
A slight tinge of anxiety rears its ugly head as you begin compulsively glancing at your phone. You start rationalizing that maybe he didn’t get your message and you should text again, you know, “just to make sure everything is all right . . .”
Sound familiar? I got you, girl.
Here’s what to do after sending a text message and receiving no reply: Nothing.
If you have the type of fine taste in men that I know you do, chances are you picked a good, high-quality guy. The result? He’s probably got a life: friends, family, hobbies, a career, etc. In other words, he’s busy.
To this high-value kind of man, few things are a bigger turnoff than a woman who lacks patience.
My advice? Just wait. Trust me. He got your message. He knows you want to see him again, and if he’s at all interested, he will get back to you. Trying to force a response by double texting due to insecurity will only chase him away.
And if he doesn’t get back to you, don’t be upset. At least you’ll know where you stand. You can move on to the next guy who does reciprocate interest. Don’t try to keep someone who’s not making a mutual effort to keep you.
Conclusion: Should I Text Him? The Verdict
There’s a lot of advice out there that will tell you to wait for him to text you first or to let him do all the work. And yes, he certainly should be putting in effort as well (and you should watch to ensure that he is). However, the final verdict, in my opinion, is to go for it. If you want to see him, text him. If you have the hots for him, let him know.
Relationships are about love, respect, and authenticity. And if you have a good man on your hands — who feels the same way about you — there’s nothing wrong with taking the initiative and texting first.
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References
1. Newman, K. M. (2020, February 11). How playfulness impacts intimate relationships. Greater Good Magazine.
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_playfulness_can_do_for_your_relationship
2. Benson, K. (n.d.). The “magic” 1 to 5 ratio. The Gottman Institute.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-scienc/
3. Schulz, J. (2017, January 12). Using a person’s name in conversation. Michigan State University Extension.
https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/using_a_persons_name_in_conversation
4. Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Barniv, A., Nagar, S., Govinden, J., & Reis, H. T. (2018). Are you into me? Uncertainty and sexual desire in online encounters and established relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 85, 372–384.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2018.04.023
