Before blaming your dating struggles on Mercury in retrograde, let’s explore the 8 traits men truly want in a woman — the ones that actually make them commit — and see if trading tarot readings for a few tweaks in how you show up in your relationship can create real, lasting magic.
Key Takeaways
- Men want respect, appreciation, kindness, and open communication.
- Emotional connection, support, and shared experiences are crucial for a fulfilling bond.
- Men appreciate women who are independent and have rewarding lives outside of the relationship.
But first . . . a universal truth
There’s no universal recipe for attraction — seriously, make it stop. Taste is taste; we all have our preferences. You might swoon over Henry Cavill’s intense energy, while I’m team Timothée’s soft-boy charm. Men are no different when it comes to what they find superficially attractive. And that’s a good thing!
Table of Contents
Every Jill will find her Jack, the one who sees her as the pinnacle of human beauty, and they’ll live happily ever after (at least in theory).
That said, on a fundamental level, we all want a partner to laugh with, cry with, and maybe rob banks with.
1. Emotional connection and intimacy
Still buying into that tired propaganda about men being emotional deserts? I’ve got some groundbreaking news for you.
Men, just like women, are wired for connection. When we allow space for genuine emotion, relationships deepen, mental health improves, and real intimacy thrives. It’s not rocket science — it’s relationship science.
Here’s my no-nonsense piece of advice for cultivating emotional safety for men:
- Create a judgment-free zone. During side-by-side activities (driving, walking, cooking), create space for feelings without intense eye contact. Next time you’re chopping veggies together, casually share something real, then give him space to reciprocate (but no pressure).
- Became his vault. When he does open up, treat his feelings with respect (no replaying his vulnerable moments in future arguments or sharing them with friends!). If he shares a work insecurity, respond with “Thank you for trusting me with that” and simply hold space rather than jumping to advice-giving or comparison mode. Works like a charm.
2. Trust and loyalty
Simon Sinek, the inspirational speaker, discovered something interesting during his time with the Navy SEALs (arguably the toughest of all men): Trustworthiness outweighs all other qualities.
This reference might seem pretty intense, but the point is universal: The ultimate goal in a relationship is to have someone you can trust with your money, your heart, and your life.
- Keep your promises. Every promise kept is a deposit in your trust bank. When my guy admitted he was anxious about surgery, I promised to take the day off to stay with him. Even when a crucial work meeting came up, I found a way to stick to my word.
Expert insight: Sinek quotes one of the SEALs: “I might trust you with my life, but do I trust you with my money and my wife?” This suggests that SEALs would rather go into battle with someone less skilled but more trustworthy. Yes, trust is that important.[1]
3. Respect and admiration
Notice your guy pulling away? Forget what your friends are saying about “commitment phobia” — the real reason might have more to do with you than you’d like to admit.
When was the last time you dialed up your respect and made him feel truly valued?
When a man feels disrespected, it’s like watching a star collapse in slow motion. First, his enthusiasm dims. Then his natural warmth cools. Finally, the magnetic personality you fell for implodes into an emotional black hole.
Here’s the mission-critical intel to prevent this collapse:
- DON’T make fun of his hobbies — even his lightsaber collection.
- DON’T mock his feelings — including his disdain for the prequels.
- DON’T scoff when he’s taking forever to find the airport exit.
- DO respect his boundaries — even in casual dating, both parties’ rights and responsibilities should be respected.
- DO confide in him — this shows him you respect his perspective.
- DO ask him for help — nothing makes a man feel more valued than knowing you trust his capabilities.
4. Companionship
Here’s one common reason people date — and no, it’s not, as Phoebe Buffay claims, to split the cost of stamps. The real reason?
Companionship.
Meaningful relationships are key to emotional well-being for both men and women, but for men, companionship can also be a way to express vulnerability in a world that often discourages it.
So, how do you create that sense of connection?
- Play the tell-me-more game. Take turns asking open-ended questions about each other’s passions, dreams, or childhood memories. It will help him open up, and learn more about you too.
- Teamwork it out. Suggest doing something simple but meaningful, like building a bird feeder together. Small, planned activities show you care about spending intentional time with him and create a spirit of camaraderie.
Did you know? Studies have linked loneliness in men to increased stress, depression, and even physical health issues. Without a “person” to share the highs and lows with, men may retreat into isolation or focus solely on work or distractions, leaving emotional needs unmet.[2]
5. Support and space to grow
When was the last time someone trying to “fix” you made you feel genuinely empowered? Exactly. So, what if trying to fix him is actually holding both of you back?
Just like a plant needs both sunlight AND space to grow, men need support that doesn’t suffocate their personal growth journey. When we constantly try to fix them, we’re essentially saying, “I don’t trust your ability to handle this.” Ouch.
So, put down your Allen key and pick up the pompoms instead.
- Create a weekly wins ritual. Every Friday, call out three specific things he crushed that week. Not just “Good job!” but “The way you stayed calm during that client crisis showed real leadership.”
- Master the support pause. Before offering advice, take a deep breath and ask, “Would you like my perspective on this?” Then actually wait for his answer. And if he says “no,” it means “no.” This simple pause shows respect for his process instead of the usual fixing.
Self-care corner: What if I told you that the urge to fix him may actually be your way of avoiding your own growth work? Oops, did that strike a nerve? Next time you catch yourself writing his life manual, try channeling that energy into finally getting busy with a project you’ve been putting off.
6. Physical affection and intimacy
Whoever taught you your intimacy ABCs may have missed one important detail: your man’s physical needs have far less to do with bedroom satisfaction and everything to do with attachment.
Without regular doses of genuine physical connection, he’s walking around like a tense bodyguard on duty. Physical touch is a primal need to feel safe, seen, and emotionally anchored in a world that rarely lets him drop his guard. Your touch is actually his nervous system’s reset button.
Here are your power moves:
- The hug attack. Before he armors up for the day, ambush him with an eight-second full-body hug. Warning: Side effects may include melted tension, spontaneous smiles, and a surprisingly chatty breakfast companion.
- The drive-by love attack. Sprinkle random acts of touch throughout your day. A quick shoulder massage while he’s doing dishes, playing with his hair during movie night, or the classic “casually brush past him in the kitchen but make it count” move.
Did you know? Long hugs are clinically proven to change your body chemistry. Studies show hugging for 20+ seconds triggers a significant oxytocin release, your body’s natural stress reliever. This actually lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety, and creates a deeper sense of trust.[3]
7. Open and honest communication
“Communication” has become such a relationship buzzword lately — but do you know what it means in practice?
When a man feels like he’s getting mixed signals or half-truths, his guard goes up. He either becomes hypervigilant or, far more likely, emotionally checks out to protect himself. Because unclear communication doesn’t create intrigue — it creates distance.
To start (or continue) communicating openly and honestly:
- Quit the guessing game. Drop the “if he really understands me, he’ll know what I’m thinking” mindset. If he offends you or otherwise hurts your feelings, speak up. He can’t fix a mistake he doesn’t know he made.
- Brave the DTR conversation: If you want to know where things are headed, say, “I’m enjoying getting to know you and I’m curious about what you’re looking for.” Direct doesn’t mean desperate — it means confident.
The right guy won’t be scared away by your honesty — he’ll be relieved by it.
8. Emotional maturity and conflict-resolution skills
Everyone preaches emotional maturity until the first argument hits. Let’s paint a familiar scene: The tension’s rising, voices are getting edgy, and suddenly you’re faced with a choice: Who do you turn into? Are you . . .
a) a toddler in a candy shop who’s just been told “no,”
b) a Hollywood diva making a dramatic exit, or
c) an actual adult who can sit down and talk through issues?
Those reactions show him exactly how you’ll handle bigger challenges down the road. When a man encounters emotional roller coasters instead of mature responses, he starts questioning whether he can build a future with you.
Here’s how to improve your emotional maturity:
- The pause & process protocol. When tension rises, take a literal step back and say, “I need a moment to think before I respond.” Then actually take it.
- The clean fight formula. Address the issue at hand only — not his mother’s comment from last Christmas or his untidy tendencies. Stay in the present problem, use “I feel” statements, and focus on solutions. “When this happens, I feel X. Can we figure out how to handle this differently?”
Self-care corner: Between every trigger and your reaction lies a tiny space where you get to choose your response. Meditation can help you make that space bigger. Just 10 minutes of daily quiet time, focusing on your breath, helps you catch yourself in heated moments and respond like the grown woman you are.
What Are the Biggest Turnoffs for Men in a Relationship?
Lack of trust and honesty are huge turnoffs.
- Skip the selective storytelling. Half-truths have a way of becoming whole problems.
- When he asks a direct question, give a direct answer.
Constant negativity makes him wonder if anything will ever be good enough.
- Catch him doing things right. Men aren’t mind readers, but they are recognition seekers.
- Before launching into complaint mode, ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week?”
Playing detective with his phone and socials screams insecurity.
- Treat him with trust, not tests — you’re his partner, not his examiner.
- Tackle your trust issues head-on instead of projecting them onto him.
Constant disrespect and belittling comments kill his ability to be vulnerable.
- Keep the eye rolls for TikTok, not his passions.
- Save the sarcasm for jokes, not his dreams.
Suffocating him won’t make him closer — it’ll make him run.
- Keep your own life spicy — nobody wants to be someone’s entire world.
- Let him miss you sometimes — absence makes the heart grow fonder isn’t just a cute saying.
- Prevent the relationship growing stale or boring by exploring the world outside of your partner.
Mixed signals and communication games push him to check out.
- Drop the hints — if you want something, use your words.
- Skip the silent treatment — you’re not in high school anymore.
No man (or any person for that matter!) wants a partner who avoids difficult conversations, resorts to passive-aggressive behavior, or plays guessing games.
Your Next Steps
Strong relationships thrive on trust, respect, and emotional connection — so focus on real talk instead of small talk, shared experiences instead of shared posts, and actual support instead of surface-level cheerleading.
When you embrace these qualities, you build something real — a partnership where you both feel valued, understood, and ready to tackle life’s messy, beautiful adventure together.
If you’re determined that this is your year to find that special someone, explore more resources for getting into a relationship.
FAQ
What does a real man want in a relationship?
A “real” man wants a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and support. No time for games or drama, just a mature, emotionally healthy connection.
What are the five needs of a man?
The five needs of a man are typically respect, appreciation, physical intimacy, emotional connection, and recreational companionship. While these needs are common, everyone is unique, so you still need open, effective communication to ensure your relationship values match up and you can both meet each other’s needs.
What does a man find attractive in a woman?
What a man finds attractive in a woman can include confidence, intelligence, emotional maturity, a positive outlook, and of course, a great sense of humor. But remember, every man is different, so just be yourself and let your awesome, maybe a bit awkward, qualities shine!
References
1. Villamizar, G. (2022, November 17). Simon Sinek—Trust vs performance (must watch!) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTo9e3ILmms
2. Cacioppo, J. T., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2006). Loneliness as a specific risk factor for depressive symptoms: cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses. Psychology and Aging, 21(1), 140–151.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.21.1.140
3. Light, K. C., Grewen, K. M., & Amico, J. A. (2005). More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biological Psychology, 69(1), 5–21.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2004.11.002
