Emotional blackmail turns love into a game of control. One moment you feel valued, the next you have to walk on eggshells, fearing your partner’s anger.
By recognizing the signs, you can take back your power and stop letting your partner control the narrative.
Table of Contents
But first . . . what is emotional blackmail?
Emotional blackmail, or emotional manipulation, is a web of fear, obligation, and guilt (the dreaded “FOG”) that ensnares its victims, forcing them to comply with the demands of a manipulative partner.
As defined by Jarwan et al., “Emotional manipulation is a cunning way of dealing; through which one spouse exploits and manipulates the feelings of the other.”[1] This creates a cycle of distress that can only be “solved” by forcing the victim to prioritize the manipulator’s needs.
An emotional blackmailer makes you an offer you can’t refuse because the perceived consequences of noncompliance are far worse than whatever they’re asking of you.
1. Ultimatums are their modus operandi.
Imagine the person you love suddenly turning that love into a threat.
“If you don’t do this, I’ll leave you,” they might say, or “You’ll regret this when I’m gone.”
Ultimatums leverage your feelings to manipulate your actions, resulting in anxiety and physical symptoms, such as headaches, and constant fear. I remember a friend, let’s call her Maria, sobbing over her partner’s threats to end things unless she quit her dream job. She caved, and the resentment lingered.
If your partner is using ultimatums to manipulate you, call them out.
- Explain relationship rights and responsibilities to your partner and let them know your expectations when it comes to them.
- Seek a calm conversation and say, “I don’t want our relationship to be built on threats.”
- Talk to your partner about the different types of healthy boundaries and why they’re important.
- Look to professional couples counseling to break the cycle of manipulation.
- Some manipulators won’t stop. For help, read How to Leave a Toxic Relationship.
Ultimatum: a final proposition, condition, or demand especially one whose rejection will end negotiations and cause a resort to force or other direct action[2]
2. Guilt-tripping and shaming are everyday occurrences.
Your free will and self-esteem are at stake with this insidious tactic.
“If you really cared, you’d do this for me” or “You’re so selfish; can’t you see how much you’re hurting me?” they’ll say, making you question your worthiness of love.
An emotional blackmailer knows how to make you feel small and unworthy, how to make you question every decision. I once stayed in a friendship where I was always “too busy” for them, or so they said. Every time I stood up for myself, I felt like the villain. It took years to see that their friendship came with strings attached.
To rise up from the dregs of a guilt-tripping partner, always ask yourself, “Is this guilt about their legitimate needs or their need for control?” If it’s the latter, read this article: 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags. You won’t regret it.
If your partner isn’t toxic, they may just have lingering issues with attachment, either from their childhood or a traumatic relationship. Learn more about attachment theory to help your partner heal from these experiences and have a healthy relationship.
Baumeister et al. write in Psychological Bulletin, “Insecurely attached people may try to induce guilt feelings in their partners to gain reassurance whenever they begin to doubt the partner’s love and commitment.”[3]
3. The silent treatment is a frequent tactic amid conflict.
The most devastating arguments are the ones where no words are spoken.
My friend’s husband once went weeks without speaking to her after an argument. She’d beg for answers but he remained a wall of silence, forcing her to grovel. She only told a few of us, but those of us she told were shocked. This sort of behavior can shatter any trust left in your relationship and damage your ability to function in a healthy relationship later.
Refuse to play the game. Say, “I’m ready to talk when you are, but I won’t beg.” Don’t let their silence dictate your worth. Engage in self-care activities that reinforce your sense of self. If they persistently use silent treatment, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Silent treatment may be the most passive-aggressive form of emotional blackmail but it’s impact can hardly be described as passive.[4] Psychologists Williams and Nida, who have studied ostracism from social groups for years, describe this prolonged exclusion as a “form of social death.”[5] As social beings, nothing threatens our core more than being ignored and excluded.
4. Withholding affection leads to feelings of disconnection.
Can Frozen come true? Can the warmth that once melted your heart suddenly turn into an emotional arctic freeze?
Once, your partner held you, caressed you, and spoke to you in a way that made you feel special. Suddenly they’ve pulled away, withholding the hugs, the kisses, the warmth that you cherished because of some perceived transgression they hold against you unreasonably.
You’re left “bereft and reeling,” yearning for the closeness you once took for granted, wondering what you did to deserve this distance.
Here are some strategies to assert yourself:
- Demonstrate how affection works by offering it to your partner without conditions.
- Communicate your feelings by explaining what relationship values mean to you.
- Explain to your partner that you want to work with them to improve your intimacy.
- Try 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship
- Clearly and calmly tell your partner that you expect affection in a romantic relationship and that their behavior is hurting you.
- If they refuse to change, tell yourself you deserve better. Read How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship and take the first step on your journey of empowerment.
Emotional blackmail thrives in silence and self-doubt. Now, that love has gone cold, like a door to their heart has slammed shut. Looking back, it’s easy to realize they were probably love bombing you.
5. They frequently blow even the most minor issues out of proportion.
In a minefield, one single step can trigger a catastrophic detonation. Emotional blackmail functions the same way.
Their over-the-top reactions leave you constantly on edge, fearing the next time they’ll lash out.
I dated someone who once accused me of “not loving them” because I forgot to call one evening. The constant drama drained me until I realized this was about control, not connection.
- Refuse to match their intensity.
- Stay calm during their outbursts.
- Understand that their extreme reactions are about control, not communication.
- Avoid accusing them of overreacting, which is counterproductive.
- Gently explain, “I won’t discuss things when you’re upset.”
- When they’re calmer, use “I” statements to explain your perspective, and ask them to do the same.
Safety break: Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, anxious about every word or action and fearing the consequences of “messing up,” might be a sign that things will only get worse. Please read Dating Violence: Understanding Signs and Seeking Help to learn how to protect yourself.
6. Your past mistakes become leverage against you.
Some people don’t just keep secrets — they collect them like ammunition, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
Now, they use the past against you. “Remember when you messed up? You owe me.” This tactic turns the past into a weapon, making you feel trapped by your history and constantly indebted to them. Perhaps you’ve made some poor financial decisions in the past, so now they keep you out of financial matters, hoarding money like a goblin.
Recognize that your past mistakes do not define your present worth. Own your mistakes but don’t let anyone weaponize them. Firmly say, “We’ve discussed this before; it’s unfair to keep bringing it up.” Be prepared to enforce consequences if they continue this behavior.
Read Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: What They Are and How to Set Them to learn strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior.
Alarming? A new Bankrate survey reveals that 30% of people spend more than their partner would approve of, 23% hold secret debt, 19% have a secret savings account, and 18% possess a secret credit card.[6]
7. Threats of self-harm become a weapon to use against you.
Love? A psychological weapon of mass destruction?
“If you leave, I don’t know what I’ll do to myself,” they might say, creating an unbearable sense of responsibility and fear within you.
A colleague shared how her ex-partner frequently made this threat. She stayed longer than she wanted, terrified of the consequences, until she sought help from a therapist who reassured her that someone else’s choices were not her responsibility.
- Take threats seriously but don’t shoulder the blame.
- Immediately contact local mental health resources or emergency services if danger to your partner is imminent.
- Encourage them to seek professional help and lean on a trusted friend or counselor for support.
- Recognize that this is a type of emotional manipulation and does not feature in a healthy relationship, which you are entitled to.
Codependency at work: Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which both partners are trapped in a cycle of need and validation. Read 23 Signs of Codependent Behavior in a Relationship to learn how to spot the signs.
8. Your blackmailer might withhold important information.
Knowledge is power, right?
Well, emotional blackmailers know that, so they keep you in the dark, holding on to the upper hand. They might avoid sharing details about finances, plans, or even minor aspects of their life, leaving you feeling adrift and unsure. This information gap keeps you dependent on their whims, reinforcing their control.
Insist on transparency. Say, “I need to be included in decisions that affect us both.” Don’t let secrecy erode your trust. But know that withholding information as emotional blackmail is often a symptom of much worse behavior. Check out the following articles to learn more about these tactics:
- 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags
- 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
- How to Identify the 13 Signs of a Toxic Person in Your Life
- Know the Warning Signs of Abuse to Protect Yourself and Others
Reality check: The term gaslighting has gotten a bad rap of late, with some people dismissing it as nonexistent. Unfortunately, gaslighting is all too real. To avoid conjecture, here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition of gaslighting: to attempt to make (someone) believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation).[7]
9. Blackmailers use triangulation to make your friends and family accomplices to abuse.
Let’s take all the manipulation tactics above but bring your mom into it. Fun, right?
Sometimes, blackmailers don’t stop at personal manipulation — they’ll bring others into the fray, enlisting friends, family, or even colleagues to back them up. They’ll twist the narrative, painting you as the villain to those around you.
I’ve actually seen this happen. A friend’s ex would tell mutual friends half-truths, painting her as the problem. She lost friends, felt utterly alone, and only later realized this tactic was meant to control her.
If this is happening to you, stay consistent in your truth. Speak calmly to others involved, but don’t waste energy trying to prove yourself to everyone. The only third person who should be involved in this relationship is a therapist, either for yourself or you and your partner together. (It sounds like your partner could use some one-on-one therapy as well.)
I’ll level with you: Sometimes there’s no hope for a person like this. If you really want to protect yourself, ending the relationship might be your best bet. Our article How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship can help you on your way to self-determination.
Abusers who have landed themselves deploy triangulation even from jail. In fact, this “tampering leads to as many as 80% of victims recanting their stories and forcing non-participation in prosecution efforts.”[8]
The Four Types of Emotional Blackmailers
The punisher: Perhaps the most straightforward of emotional blackmailers, punishers don’t hesitate to make direct threats and often use anger or intimidation. Their message is clear: comply or face consequences.
This behavior is a stone’s throw from intimate partner violence, which doesn’t always mean hitting and punching. Please review our article about how to recognize dating violence as well as how to document and prove intimate partner violence.
The self-punisher: Self-punishers turn their pain inward, threatening self-destruction if they don’t get their way. They might skip meals, threaten self-harm, or talk about giving up on life. This type of emotional blackmail is particularly devastating because it plays on our instinct to protect those we love.
The sufferer: Sufferers are masters at playing the victim. They’ll remind you of all they’ve sacrificed for you and how your actions (or lack thereof) cause them pain.
The tantalizer: Tantalizers are unique because they use positive reinforcement as manipulation. They dangle rewards and promises, creating a sense of hope and possibility. However, these rewards often come with strings attached and, often, may never materialize.
Your Next Steps
If you’re feeling trapped by emotional blackmail or struggling in a difficult relationship, here are some guides that can help you regain control of your life:
- Read our article When Is It Time to Break Up? to evaluate whether your relationship is salvageable or if it’s time to walk away. This article helps you weigh the emotional and practical factors involved.
- If you believe the relationship can be saved, explore How to Fix a Relationship for actionable steps to rebuild trust, improve communication, and address unresolved issues.
- For those navigating marital challenges, How to Save Your Marriage offers tailored advice for couples willing to commit to long-term solutions.
- If the relationship proves irreparable, follow the guidance in How to Leave a Toxic Relationship. This article provides practical advice to prioritize your safety and well-being during this transition.
Empower yourself to break free from invisible chains and create a life centered on respect, love, and self-worth.
Recognizing emotional blackmail is the first step toward breaking free from its grip. The path to recovery might seem daunting, but each small step toward establishing healthy relationships — with others and yourself — is a victory worth celebrating.
For more insight and resources, see our guides to relationship abuse.
FAQs
What is the meaning of emotional blackmail?
The meaning of emotional blackmail is manipulation by which someone uses your emotions to control your behavior or decisions. This often involves making you feel guilty, fearful, or obliged to comply with their demands.
What is an emotional hostage in a relationship?
An emotional hostage in a relationship is a victim of their partner’s manipulative behaviors. This can include guilt-tripping, threats, gaslighting, or other tactics that make you feel responsible for their emotions and actions, leaving you in a constant state of emotional turmoil.
What is another word for emotional manipulation?
Another word for emotional manipulation is emotional blackmail. Other related terms include guilt-tripping, psychological manipulation, and playing the victim. All these terms represent types of emotional abuse. For help leaving an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
References
1. Jarwan, A. S., Al Frehat, B., Hawari, A. F., Ali, F. M. (2024). Emotional manipulation and its relationship with symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder among couples. Evolutionary Studies in Imaginative Culture, 8(2), 242–257. https://doi.org/10.70082/esiculture.vi.684
2. Ultimatum. (n.d.) Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ultimatum
3. Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267.
https://www.academia.edu/download/95716016/94_Baumeister_etal_PB_115.pdf
4. Wright, C. N., & Roloff, M. E. (2009). Relational commitment and the silent treatment. Communication Research Reports, 26(1), 12–21. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824090802636967
5. Williams, K. D. & Nida, S. A. (2011). Ostracism: Consequences and coping. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(2), 71–75.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721411402480
6. White, M. (2024, February 12). New data finds 42% of couples keep financial secrets from partner: “Just as dangerous as physical infidelity.” CBS News.
https://www.cbsnews.com/colorado/news/new-data-finds-42-percent-couples-financial-secrets/
7. Gaslighting. (n. d.). Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting
8. Bonomi, A. E., & Martin, D. (2021). Domestic abusers: Expert triangulators, new victim advocacy models to buffer against it. Journal of Family Violence, 36, 383–388.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-020-00156-2
