Being in a Relationship

How to Know if a Guy Is Playing You or Really Likes You

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

Table of Contents

No more guesswork, I’m breaking down nine signs he’s playing you and nine that confirm he’s truly into you. 

Bonus: Five classy ways to cut him off if he’s only here for the appetizer. 

Table of Contents

Here’s your cheat sheet on how to know if a guy is playing you or really likes you. 

How to Know if a Guy Is Playing You

1. He sends mixed signals

One day he’s all over you, and the next he’s pulling a disappearing act like Houdini. This kind of behavior makes you feel like you’re on an emotional seesaw. 

Dr. Stern, in her book The Gaslight Effect, explains how intermittent reinforcement manipulates partners by giving just enough affection to keep them hooked, followed by periods of neglect. This push-and-pull dynamic creates a cycle where the partner chases validation.[1] 

Sound familiar? If he’s leaving you guessing all the time, it’s a strong sign he’s playing games because a guy who’s serious about you will make his intentions clear — mixed signals are your cue to walk away.

2. He never initiates plans

If you’re the one doing all the heavy lifting — always making plans and texting first — he’s probably more interested in being entertained than building something real. Real relationships are a two-way street. 

This kind of guy is represented by Mr. Big (aka Mr. Big-Red-Flag) from Sex and the City — he’s only around when it suits him.

A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explored how mutual effort in initiating plans reflects deeper emotional investment. They found that when only one partner is doing all the work, it creates imbalance and eventually leads to dissatisfaction.[2] 

So, if you’re chasing him around like Carrie Bradshaw in her Manolo Blahnik heels, it might be time to stop running.

3. He avoids introducing you to his friends or family

If he’s been dating you for a while and you still haven’t met a single one of his close friends or family, that’s a major red flag. It’s likely because he doesn’t see you as a long-term prospect. Keeping you at arm’s length from his inner circle might suggest he’s playing the field or simply not taking the relationship seriously.

Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family supports this idea, showing that integrating romantic partners into social networks is a key factor in relationship stability and commitment.[3]

When someone is serious about a relationship, they’re typically eager to introduce their partner to those who matter most because it strengthens the relationship and enhances mutual trust.

If this kind of mutual integration is missing, it’s a sign to take note of.

4. He’s hot and cold about commitment

Every time you bring up the future, he dodges the conversation like Neo in The Matrix

Commitment phobia is a classic game-playing tactic. Some people avoid emotional vulnerability to maintain control and avoid deep connections. If he’s constantly changing the subject when you talk about your future together or try to define the relationship, he might just be stringing you along, and it’s time for you to swipe left.

5. He doesn’t ask about your life

When a guy isn’t genuinely invested in you, he won’t take the time to ask about your day, your interests, or your thoughts. I mean, this is just common sense. 

A guy who’s playing games will keep conversations surface-level and steer them back to himself or superficial topics. 

When someone is genuinely into you, they’ll be curious about your passions, your dreams, and even the little details of your day. If he never asks you anything meaningful, it’s a clear sign he’s not taking the relationship seriously.

6. He only texts late at night

The dreaded 11 p.m. “WYD?” text is a classic sign that he’s not thinking long-term. 

If the only time you hear from him is when he’s bored or looking for a late-night “hangout,” he may be playing with your emotions.

A guy who’s genuinely interested will want to see you at all times of the day, not just after dark. 

If his texts seem to always come after hours and his invites are last-minute, he’s probably more interested in casual fun than building a real relationship.

7. He flirts with other women

A guy who openly flirts with other women while supposedly dating you is sending a clear message: He’s not serious. This kind of behavior is a neon red flag that he’s playing the field. 

Relational exclusivity is critical for building trust and emotional safety in a relationship. If he’s crossing boundaries and showing romantic interest in other women while trying to keep you on the hook, it’s a sure sign that he’s not ready for a committed relationship. 

You deserve someone who respects you enough not to entertain others while dating you. Yuck.

8. He doesn’t care about your feelings

If he dismisses your concerns or brushes off your emotions, that’s a strong indicator he’s not emotionally invested. 

If he’s constantly making you feel like you’re overreacting or trivializing your concerns, it’s a red flag that he’s not as invested in your emotional well-being as he should be. 

A guy who’s playing games won’t make an effort to ensure you feel safe, respected, or valued in the relationship.

9. He ghosts you, then comes back

If he disappears for days or weeks, only to reappear with an excuse and a charming smile, he’s probably playing games. 

This “ghosting and returning” cycle is a form of manipulation that keeps you emotionally hooked without offering real commitment.

Dr. Stern refers to this as “bread-crumbing” — when someone gives just enough attention to keep you interested but never truly invests.[4]

If he vanishes whenever things get too real, only to show up later acting like nothing happened, that’s a classic sign of someone who isn’t serious.

How Do You Know if a Guy Really Likes You?

We’ve covered all the signs that a guy who really likes you will display, but these nine come in direct contrast to one who’s toying with you. 

1. He communicates consistently

When a guy likes you, he makes it clear. If you’re left waiting hours — or worse, days — for a reply, he’s probably not that into you. Simple as that.

Consistent communication is what makes dating actually possible. Whether you’re looking at it from a psychological, sociological, or communication standpoint, the research all points to the same thing: Keeping in touch builds trust and intimacy while keeping both of you feeling good about where things are going.

A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America shows that reliability in communication — responding promptly and maintaining regular contact — enhances trust and signals long-term intentions.[5]

A guy who is serious about you wants to hear from you as much as you want to hear from him, so he will keep in touch, whether it’s complaining about pointless Zoom calls or sending you a cat meme.

2. He prioritizes spending time with you

In today’s world, everyone’s very busy and important. There’s work, family, friends, and House of the Dragon marathons, but if he’s carving out time for you, even when things get hectic, it shows he’s interested and invested. 

Research featured in the Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology introduces the “investment model of commitment,” showing how things like satisfaction, better options, and time invested influence relationship commitment. 

Prioritizing time together enhances emotional bonds by increasing shared experiences and mutual reliance, thereby signaling a strong interest and dedication to the relationship.[6]

Actions speak louder than words: If he actually likes you, he’ll make time — no matter how packed his calendar is.

3. He memorizes details about you 

If he brings up something about your dog from two weeks ago that even you forgot? Totally into you! 

A guy who’s truly into you doesn’t just nod along while you talk, he listens to you and he listens hard. And if that wasn’t amazing enough, he then asks follow-up questions or drops thoughtful, compassionate feedback. 

After all, if he envisions you as the future queen of his heart, he wants to know who you truly are and what you like. It’s like when Jim from The Office remembered Pam’s favorite yogurt flavor — he’s paying attention because it matters to him. That’s some big green flag energy.

4. He introduces you to his inner circle

You’ll know things are getting serious when he starts bringing you around his friends or family. A guy who likes you won’t hesitate to integrate you into his social life because he wants you to become a part of it. 

Aron, Aron, & Smollan conducted a fascinating study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. These researchers were all about understanding just how intertwined our relationships can get. They introduced the Inclusion of Other in the Self (IOS) Scale, which is essentially a way of measuring how much you and your partner overlap in each other’s lives.

The study found that the more you include someone in your sense of self, the closer and more committed the relationship becomes.[7

So, next time you’re RSVPing to a family BBQ or a board game night with his friends, remember that according to Aron and his team, you’re not just another casual date — he likes you a lot.

5. He makes an effort to learn about your interests

Has he ever jumped headfirst into one of your favorite hobbies or binge-watched that show you’re obsessed with, just so he can chat with you about it? 

In The Science of Couples and Family Therapy, the Gottmans emphasize that taking an active interest in a partner’s hobbies or passions fosters a deeper sense of friendship in the relationship.[8]

That’s the kind of effort that shows he’s genuinely invested in getting to know you. If he’s hyped about joining in on your aerial yoga workshop, that’s a solid sign he values your connection.

6. He talks about future plans

Is he already bringing up future vacations or throwing out plans for the holidays months in advance? Girl, he’s catching serious feelings.

Whether he’s talking about next weekend’s hiking adventure or where you’re going to live five years from now, he’s serious about where this is headed. 

No more “what are we” questions — he’s already envisioning your future together, and that’s your sign.

7. He respects your boundaries

A guy who’s truly into you gets the golden rule: Respect boundaries, always. Whether it’s giving you personal space, understanding your emotional limits, or letting you take a break from nonstop texting, honoring your boundaries shows he’s genuinely interested.

He won’t push you or make you feel guilty for drawing lines. Instead, he values you just as you are, no pressure or drama. 

He’s the type of guy who’s totally cool with your girls night out and won’t bombard you with “miss you” texts every five minutes. That’s the kind of guy who’s into you for real.

8. He’s consistent in his affection

Consistency is king. If he’s always sending sweet texts or holding your hand like it’s second nature, that’s a clear sign he’s truly invested.

When Monica felt insecure about being called high-maintenance, Chandler, in classic Chandler fashion, reassured her with, “You’re high-maintenance, but I like maintaining you.” That line is pure gold because it shows he not only accepts her but embraces every part of her — the good, the not-so-pretty, and everything in between.

When a guy’s affection is steady and reliable, not just when he’s in the mood, it means he’s in it for the long haul. No mixed signals here — just solid, dependable love that makes you feel secure and cherished, quirks and all.

9. He shows vulnerability

Anyone can love you when you’re strong, but it’s the people who see your vulnerable side who truly matter. And as Brené Brown puts it, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”[9] If he’s allowing himself to be vulnerable and admit that it’s tough out there, he’s inviting you to meet his real self, without the mask.

Sharing his worries or insecurities is his way of showing that he sees you as his safe space. He’s not afraid to get emotionally naked (well, metaphorically), and that’s a huge sign he’s truly into you. 

Vulnerability takes guts, and when he’s showing his, it means he’s letting you in deeper than most people ever get. And that’s not just romantic — it’s real.

How to Cut Off a Guy Who Is Playing You

It’s 2024, and it’s never been easier to get rid of a loose end.

Set clear boundaries

It’s time to draw the line. If he’s testing your limits, make it crystal clear what you will and won’t put up with. Licensed therapist Nedra Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, says boundaries aren’t just about keeping him in check — they’re about protecting you.[10

So, the next time he slides into your DMs with last-minute plans or a booty call, stand firm. You deserve more than a half-baked effort.

Go no contact

The cleanest way to cut off someone playing with your emotions is to go no contact.

Block his number, unfollow him, and delete that photo from your phone (yes, even the cute one). No more mixed messages, no more manipulation. Trust me, it’s tough but necessary to move on and protect your emotional space.

Don’t fall for love-bombing

When you try to pull away, some guys will suddenly shower you with affection, gifts, or attention — this is called love-bombing. A form of fake affection to lure you back in. 

Listen to Dr. Stern when she explains that emotionally unavailable people do this when they feel control slipping away.[11]

Don’t let the sudden attention fool you. It has nothing to do with him suddenly realizing what you mean to him.

If his behavior was inconsistent before, this “transformation” won’t last. Stay strong — his fireworks are more of a sparkler, and it’ll fizzle out soon enough.

Focus on your own life

Reclaim your power! Redirect all that energy to yourself, your passions, and your life. Focusing on personal growth helps you become emotionally independent, and soon enough you won’t remember his name. 

So, start that hobby you’ve been putting off, dive into your work, or catch up with your friends. The moment you stop seeking validation from him, you’ll realize you’re better off thriving on your own.

Trust your instincts

That nagging feeling in your gut? It’s probably right. Women are known for their intuition and it’s rarely wrong. I’d argue that it is never wrong, but that’s just me. 

Your intuition often picks up on what your conscious mind can’t quite put into words. 

If something feels off, trust your gut — it’s your emotional compass steering you right. Don’t let him (or anyone) make you doubt yourself. You know when something’s not right, so listen to yourself and act on it.

Conclusion

So, now you’ve got the cheat sheet on how to know if a guy is playing you or really likes you. If he’s ticking those red-flag boxes, it’s time to cut him loose and make room for someone willing to go all in. Remember, consistency, respect, and real effort are nonnegotiable, and you deserve nothing less!

Follow the link for more advice about being in a relationship.

FAQs

How do you know if a guy is faking his feelings?

You’ll know if a guy is faking his feelings when he doesn’t go out of his way to make you feel special, avoids deeper conversations, and only wants to get you into bed right away. He won’t make time for you or show genuine interest in a long-term relationship. Men in love strive for a deeper connection.

How do you spot red flags in a guy?

Red flags in a guy may include avoiding meeting in person, being cold, only seeking a fling, seeing other people, or not showing interest. If he’s never emotionally available, doesn’t act serious, or leaves you confused, these are warning signs. Reading his body language can reveal if he’s just using you.

How can I tell if he lost interest?

Signs he has lost interest may include decreased communication, lack of effort, not wanting anything serious, and not making plans. If he’s always busy, sees other people, or stops paying attention, he might not want a relationship. Observing his behavior over time can help gain clarity on his intentions.

References

1. Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.

2. Solomon, D. H., & Knobloch, L. K. (2001). Relationship uncertainty, partner interference, and intimacy within dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18(6), 804–820.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407501186004

3. Sprecher, S., & Felmlee, D. (1992). The influence of parents and friends on the quality and stability of romantic relationships: A three-wave longitudinal investigation. Journal of Marriage and Family, 54(4), 888–900.
https://doi.org/10.2307/353170

4. Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.

5. Rosenfeld, M. J., Thomas, R. J., & Hausen, S. (2019). Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 116(36), 17753–17758.
https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1908630116

6. Rusbult, C. E., Agnew, C. R., & Arriaga, X. B. (2012). The investment model of commitment processes. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology (pp. 218–231). Sage Publications Ltd.
https://doi.org/10.4135/9781446249222.n37

7. Aron, A., Aron, E. N., & Smollan, D. (1992). Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale and the structure of interpersonal closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(4), 596–612.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.4.596

8. Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). The science of couples and family therapy: Behind the scenes at the “Love Lab.” W. W. Norton & Company.

9. Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

10. Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

11. Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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