The truth is that feeling alone in a relationship is not as uncommon as you might think.
But why do people feel this way? Being in a relationship should be a wholesome, connecting experience.
Table of Contents
Right?
Well, it’s much more complex than that. Learn to spot the signs you’re alone in a relationship so that you can take steps to make things better.
Key Takeaways:
- If you feel alone in your relationship, it’s not necessarily a sign the relationship is doomed.
- Reasons people feel lonely in a relationship include conflicting schedules, stress, lack of intimacy, and poor communication.
- Nurturing both yourself and your relationship is key to improving intimacy and reconnecting.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. Take the time to learn why you’re feeling lonely, so you can work on your relationship and find contentment and happiness.
1. Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy, which involves sharing inner thoughts and feelings, is crucial in a relationship. Without it, the relationship is like a house built on sand, lacking a solid foundation.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert and author of What Makes Love Last, emphasizes that turning toward a partner’s bids for connection is essential for maintaining intimacy and preventing feelings of isolation.[1]
For instance, if you open up about feeling inadequate at work or a falling out with a friend, and your partner just dismisses it with, “You’re overreacting,” it can feel deeply invalidating and surely discourage you from being vulnerable in the future.
2. Poor Communication and Listening Skills
Poor communication and listening skills can also contribute to feelings of loneliness. A study from Harvard highlights that a lack of understanding and empathy in interactions can lead to a sense of loneliness. When people don’t feel heard or understood, they can feel isolated even when they are physically present with others.[2]
In Pixar’s Brave, there’s a touching scene where Merida and Queen Elinor silently imagine conversations they wish they could have with each other. They both conclude with the same thought: “If you could just listen.”
This beautifully captures the pain and isolation of not being heard and highlights the vital need for empathy and understanding in any relationship.
3. Mismatched Love Languages
Mismatched love languages are another reason for feeling lonely in a romantic relationship.
Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages shows how different ways of showing love can make people in a relationship feel lonely, even if they care about each other a lot.[3]
If you need cuddles (physical touch) to feel loved, and he shows it through taking your car for a checkup (acts of service), both of you might end up feeling neglected despite having the best intentions.
This mismatch in expressing love can leave you both feeling unappreciated and misunderstood, gradually leading to feelings of isolation.
4. Busy Schedules and Lack of Quality Time
Busy schedules can also make people feel disconnected in their relationships.
When your schedules don’t match, spending quality time together can become challenging. You might be feeling like ships passing in the night, barely connecting beyond daily routines.
This lack of intentional time leads to feeling neglected and emotionally distant. Without shared activities and meaningful interactions, the bond weakens, and loneliness sets in.
5. Unresolved Conflicts and Resentment
Unresolved conflicts and lingering resentment are total relationship killers, creating emotional distance and loneliness.
Every micro-aggression, every harbored grudge, is like a paper cut. Trust erodes, misunderstandings grow, and suddenly, you’re more like strangers than partners.
For instance, you feel undervalued because he forgets your anniversary (cliché, I know, but illustrates the point). Instead of discussing feelings, you make passive-aggressive comments, and he withdraws to avoid confrontation.
This tension overshadows all your positive interactions, deepening the emotional chasm.
In the end, those thousands of tiny cuts leave your relationship shredded, like a letter torn apart by the weight of unresolved grievances.
6. Lack of Physical Affection and Intimacy
Lack of physical affection and intimacy can leave you both feeling lonely in your relationship.
Regular touch, such as hugging, kissing, and cuddling, releases oxytocin, promoting bonding and emotional closeness.
A study published in Psychological Science found that frequent hugging reduces stress and enhances feelings of support and connection in relationships. Without this physical contact, the sense of intimacy diminishes, leading to feelings of loneliness.[4]
If your partner sees physical closeness as only sex and skips out on cuddles and hand-holding, it can leave you feeling unfulfilled and disconnected. Without those everyday tender moments, emotional closeness can fade, making you feel sad and lonely.
7. Differing Interests and Priorities
Differing interests and priorities may be one of the reasons you feel so alone all the time despite being in a couple.
I’m not talking about liking rock concerts while he’s into electro festivals. I mean having completely different ways of spending free time.
For example, if you love camping and roaming around the forest while he prefers staying indoors watching movies, it can create a rift. It may feel like he’s not participating in something important to you, and likewise.
This mismatch can lead to feelings of isolation, making it seem like you’re growing apart instead of together.
8. Trust Issues and Past Wounds
Trust issues and past wounds can profoundly affect emotional closeness. Such wounds may not even be attributable to your current partner but past relationships instead.
The most classic example is a partner’s infidelity, but a trust breach can be something like discovering your partner spoke poorly about you behind your back. This results in fear, suspicion, and insecurity, preventing full emotional investment.
A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that breaches of trust make it really hard to repair a relationship, often leading to ongoing mistrust and emotional distance. They also found that a lack of intimacy can predict breakups.[5]
So, if trust issues and past wounds prevent intimacy, they can be a major reason relationships eventually fall apart.
9. Overreliance on Technology and Social Media
Being glued to your phones can create emotional distance despite constant virtual contact.
Excessive social media use has been linked to increased feelings of loneliness and anxiety.[6]
This highlights the importance of setting boundaries with technology to prioritize real-life relationships. Our body chemistry thrives on physical presence, making in-person interactions crucial for genuine connections.
Over-reliance on technology and social media can create an emotional distance between people despite being constantly “in touch.”
10. Lack of Independence and Personal Growth
A lack of independence and personal growth can lead to feelings of stagnation and a sense of loneliness.
When you stop spending time with friends and quit your hobbies, you start relying on your partner for all your happiness. He may feel the pressure and miss his solo activities, too.
This inevitably leads you into a routine of work, dinner, TV, repeat. Soon, you feel stuck and unfulfilled, resenting your partner without knowing why.
By not nurturing your individual interests, you both lose your spark. Your relationship becomes monotonous, making you feel more alone than ever despite being constantly together.
11. Fear of Vulnerability and Emotional Risk-Taking
Fear of vulnerability and emotional risk-taking can block deep emotional intimacy.
When you’re scared to share your true feelings, you create barriers that keep your partner at a distance. This reluctance stops trust and understanding from growing, leaving the relationship feeling shallow and disconnected.
Dr. Brené Brown’s research shows that vulnerability is key to love and connection. In her book Daring Greatly, she poignantly states, “There is no intimacy without vulnerability.”[7]
If you’re afraid to open up about your fears and dreams, your partner might also hold back.
This mutual hesitation leads to a stagnant relationship, making both of you feel isolated and misunderstood.
12. Unaddressed Mental Health Concerns
Unaddressed mental health concerns, including depression or anxiety, can significantly contribute to feelings of loneliness within a relationship.
When either of you struggles with depression or anxiety, you may withdraw from social activities, avoiding friends and loved ones. Depression can diminish interest in activities you once enjoyed, while anxiety can make social situations feel overwhelming.
This withdrawal deepens the sense of isolation, making it difficult to connect with others, including the partner.
When a partner becomes so disconnected that they struggle to connect even with themselves, maintaining a close relationship becomes challenging, intensifying the sense of isolation for both partners.
It’s important to recognize that whether it’s your own mental health or your partner’s, these struggles can impact the relationship. While you can provide support, it’s crucial to remember that professional help from a clinical psychologist may be necessary to address these issues effectively.
13. External Stressors and Life Changes
External stressors, such as work pressure, financial worries, or big life changes can really strain a relationship.
Major life changes, like moving to a new city or having a baby, can disrupt routines and add new challenges, making it harder to stay connected.
For instance, if your partner gets a big promotion at work and is now filled with job stress, you may feel neglected.
Not surprisingly, according to the American Psychological Association’s “Stress in America” survey, stress is a significant factor in relationship dissatisfaction and can negatively impact emotional well-being and relationship quality.[8]
14. Toxic Behavior and Emotional Abuse
Toxic behaviors like manipulation or emotional abuse often make you feel lonely in a relationship despite being with your partner.
Subtle emotional manipulation just as much as overt physical or emotional abuse can isolate you from your partner, yourself, and your support system. If you recognize these signs, it could be a sign you’re with the wrong person.
In the classic film Gaslight, from which the term “gaslight” originated, Paula’s husband, Gregory, manipulates her by dimming the gaslights and insisting she’s imagining it. This manipulation leads to her profound loneliness and self-doubt, highlighting the insidious nature of emotional abuse.
Reassessing the situation and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can help you reclaim your happiness and seek healthier relationships.
Exploring Loneliness in a Relationship
Loneliness may be one of the worst feelings in the world, especially when you’re in a committed partnership. What was supposed to be fulfilling and bonding feels nothing like it.
A study in PLOS ONE highlights that in many cases loneliness stems from emotional disconnection rather than physical distance. Factors like a lack of communication, unmet emotional needs, or not spending enough time together can contribute to this disconnect.[9]
It’s not uncommon for people to find that they’re dissatisfied with their family lives, yearning for more connection.
The 2003 movie Lost in Translation poignantly explores themes of loneliness and emotional disconnect. Set in Tokyo, the film follows Bob Harris, an aging actor, and Charlotte, a neglected young woman, as they navigate their sense of isolation. Their shared feelings of loneliness amidst the bustling city underscore the emotional disconnect they experience in their respective relationships.
If you’re feeling this way in your new relationship, remember that you’re not alone.
How Do You Stop Feeling Alone in a Relationship?
Overcoming feelings of loneliness in a relationship is not impossible, but it involves effort, self-work, and intentionality about how you show up for you and your partner.
Communicate openly and honestly
Open and honest communication is the hallmark of a healthy relationship.
It’s crucial to talk openly about your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Practice active listening. Try to understand and listen to your partner’s point of view, too.
For instance, if you’re feeling a bit left out because your partner has been super busy with work, you could say, “I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately since we haven’t had much time together. I know you’re swamped, but can we set aside some time for just us this weekend?”
This way, you can share your feelings without pointing fingers, making it easier to have a productive conversation.
Prioritize quality time together
Spending quality time together can really strengthen your connection with your partner.
A study featured in the journal Personal Relationship found that engaging in shared activities sustains and enhances relationship quality by promoting closeness and satisfaction. Both routine and exciting activities are beneficial if they foster mutual engagement and intimacy.[10]
Sticking to regular date nights or doing fun and new activities together while setting aside distractions will bring you closer together.
Develop shared interests and hobbies
Developing shared interests and hobbies can alleviate the feelings of loneliness you’re experiencing.
An article published in the Harvard Gazette says that “couples should try to adopt ways to fortify their relationships for life’s long haul. For instance, couples benefit from shared goals and activities, which will help pull them along a shared life path.”[11]
In short, couples who try new and exciting things together feel more satisfied and connected.
So, find fun activities to enjoy together, just like Jim and Pam from The Office bonded over pulling pranks on Dwight (remember the jello stapler?). Those shared moments really bring you closer.
Nurture intimacy and physical connection
Nurture intimacy and physical connection to increase closeness with your partner.
In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading expert in emotional intimacy, explains that physical affection is crucial for communicating love and security in a relationship.
She says, “In loving connection, the cuddle hormone oxytocin floods lovers’ bodies, bringing a calm joy and the sense that everything is right with the world. Our bodies are set up for this kind of connection.”[12]
Little things like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or sending a flirty text can really amp up the love and keep loneliness out of your relationship.
Foster emotional intimacy and vulnerability
Cultivating emotional intimacy and vulnerability will help you combat the disconnect in your relationship.
A study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that couples who reported higher levels of emotional intimacy experienced greater relationship satisfaction and a stronger sense of overall well-being.[13]
Spend a quiet evening with your partner, maybe over a cozy dinner. Share a personal fear, like feeling inadequate at work, or a deeply affecting experience, like losing a childhood pet, to invite them to understand you better. Then, encourage him to open up about what he is thinking and feeling.
This kind of honest exchange can really deepen your connection and reduce loneliness.
Maintain a strong social support system
It’s crucial that you have a strong social support system apart from your partner.
In her brilliant TED Talk, Esther Perel, a couples therapist, explains that modern relationships often struggle because we expect our partners to fulfill multiple roles — best friend, lover, confidant — that used to be met by a wider community. These high expectations can lead to disappointment and stress.
Esther suggests managing expectations and building strong personal networks outside the relationship to ease this pressure.[14]
So, as counterintuitive as it may sound, spending less time with your partner and more with family and friends will improve the state of your relationship.
Practice self-care and personal growth
Nurturing yourself helps you feel fulfilled and less alone by enhancing your sense of self-worth and independence.
When you cultivate your own interests and maintain your identity, you bring a richer, more confident self to the partnership. This reduces dependency on your partner for happiness and validation, making the relationship more balanced and satisfying.
A report published in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that individuals who engage in self-care and personal growth report higher relationship satisfaction. Both partners contribute equally to the relationship’s emotional health, which reduces feelings of loneliness.[15]
Appreciate and celebrate your differences
Appreciate and celebrate your differences!
Embrace each other’s unique qualities and perspectives, just like Monica and Chandler from Friends. Monica’s OCD meets Chandler’s nerdy chill, and somehow, they make it work perfectly. They’re a prime example of how opposites attract.
According to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples who embrace their quirks and complement each other’s strengths enjoy stronger, more satisfying relationships.[16]
By celebrating what makes each of you unique, you’ll feel more connected and valued for who you truly are.
So, take a page from Monica and Chandler’s book: Love each other’s quirks, laugh at your differences, and enjoy a relationship that’s as unique and wonderful as you are.
Reframe your expectations and perspective
Reframe your expectations and perspective around your relationship.
Feeling lonely occasionally is normal, even in the best relationships. Instead of dwelling on the negatives, focus on the positives and appreciate the connection you share.
For instance, when he is working late and you feel lonely, instead of feeling neglected, think about how hard he works for his success. Understand that more of his attention needs to go to work during this season in your life as a couple. Try to see the situation objectively.
Of course, if this is a prolonged situation, you should never neglect your feelings, but if it’s just a temporary period, cherish what you have and nurture the connection.
Reminisce and reconnect with your past
According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, reminiscing about positive shared experiences can strengthen your emotional bond. The study found that couples who frequently reminisce about positive shared experiences report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy.[17]
Open your memory box and sift through old photos or cherished mementos. Talk to your partner about how you’ve grown together over time from silly emo haircuts to your first jobs, picnics by the lake, or Ed Sheeran concert tickets.
Engaging in these nostalgic activities can remind you of the beautiful journey you’ve taken together and reignite the love that brought you close.
Practice gratitude and appreciation
Let your partner know how much they mean to you, whether it’s through little surprises or just saying thanks. These small gestures can make a big difference in keeping your connection strong and making both of you feel appreciated, which helps with feeling less alone.
Remember when Drew Barrymore asked Hugh Grant if he keeps a gratitude journal and he laughed it off with, “Don’t be absurd”?
While his reaction was hilarious to watch, the idea of keeping a relationship gratitude journal is actually super useful for staying close and connected.
By regularly jotting down what you appreciate about your partner and your relationship, you keep the positives in mind. This can help reinforce your bond and create mutual appreciation.
Here’s the video so you can laugh, too:
Do you have a gratitude journal? #hughgrant #timotheechalamet #drewbarrymore #interview
Establish healthy boundaries and space
Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship is crucial for maintaining a balance between togetherness and individuality, which can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness.
For example, you might agree to dedicate certain evenings to your hobbies or friends without feeling guilty — like putting your relationship on airplane mode to give each other a breather.
By balancing shared activities with personal time, partners can strengthen their relationship without feeling isolated or overwhelmed.
In short, good boundaries let both partners feel connected while still having the freedom to pursue their own interests, boosting the quality of their relationship.
Leave the relationship
Sometimes, the bravest step to combat loneliness in a relationship is deciding to leave.
It sounds harsh, but staying in a relationship that consistently makes you feel alone can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being.
If you’ve tried communicating, spending quality time, and addressing underlying issues without success, it might be time to prioritize yourself.
Leaving an unfulfilling relationship can open doors to self-discovery, personal growth, and eventually finding a partner who meets your emotional needs.
Remember, being single and happy is better than being in a relationship and lonely.
Conclusion
If you’re experiencing feelings of loneliness in your relationship, take comfort in the fact that it’s more common than you think. Every couple faces challenges at some point, regardless of relationship status.
Try chatting openly with your partner, planning fun date nights, and don’t forget those little cuddles. Taking care of yourself is key, too, so keep up with your hobbies and lean on friends when needed. It’s a bit of a dance, but you can definitely find your groove again. Couples therapy can be helpful, and online therapy is also an option.
Hang in there!
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Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean when you feel alone in a relationship?
Feeling alone in a relationship often means that you’re not experiencing the emotional connection, support, or communication you need from your partner. This can lead to feelings of isolation, neglect, and dissatisfaction despite being physically together.
How do you deal with being alone in a relationship?
Dealing with being alone in a relationship involves open communication with your partner, understanding your own needs, seeking support from friends or a therapist, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care to maintain emotional well-being.
Why do I feel alone and empty in a relationship?
Feeling alone and empty in a relationship often results from a lack of emotional connection, communication barriers, differing expectations, or unmet needs for intimacy and support. Addressing these issues through open communication, mutual understanding, and possibly seeking guidance can help alleviate these feelings.
References
1. Gottman, J. (2013). What makes love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
2. Fudala, A. (2023, October 11). From loneliness to social connection: Lessons from research and a global pandemic. Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health. https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/health-happiness/2023/10/11/from-loneliness-to-social-connection-lessons-from-research-and-a-global-pandemic/
3. Chapman, G. (1992). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.
4. Cohen, S., Janicki-Deverts, D., Turner, R. B., & Doyle, W. J. (2015). Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness. Psychological Science, 26(2), 135–147. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614559284
5. Park, Y., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., Joel, S., & MacDonald, G. (2021). Lack of intimacy prospectively predicts breakup. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 12(4), 442–451. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550620929499
6. Hunt, M. G., Marx, R., Lipson, C., & Young, J. (2018). No more FOMO: Limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 37(10), 751–768. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751
7. Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
8. American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America 2023: A nation recovering from collective trauma. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023/collective-trauma-recovery
9. Ang, S., & Chan, A. (2016). Social isolation, loneliness and their relationships with depressive symptoms: A population-based study. PLOS ONE, 11(8), e0182145. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0182145
10. Girme, Y., Overall, N., & Faingataa, S. (2013). “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Personal Relationships, 21(1), 125–149. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12020
11. Powell, A. (2018, February 13). When love and science double date. The Harvard Gazette. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2018/02/scientists-find-a-few-surprises-in-their-study-of-love/
12. Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
13. Beaulieu, N., Bergeron, S., Brassard, A., Byers, E. S., & Péloquin, K. (2022). Toward an integrative model of intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction: A prospective study in long-term couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 60(8), 1100–1112. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2129557
14. Perel, E. (2013, February). The secret to desire in a long-term relationship [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
15. Anderson, B. K., Meyer, J. P., Vaters, C., & Espinoza, J. A. (2020). Measuring personal growth and development in context: Evidence of validity in educational and work settings. Journal of Happiness Studies 21, 2141–2167. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-019-00176-w
16. Gubbins, C. A., Perosa, L. M., & Bartle-Haring, S. (2010). Relationships between married couples’ self-differentiation/individuation and Gottman’s model of marital interactions. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32(4), 383–395. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-010-9132-4
17. Bryant, F. B., Smart, C. M., & King, S. P. (2005). Using the past to enhance the present: Boosting happiness through positive reminiscence. Journal of Happiness Studies, 6, 227–260. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-005-3889-4
