Playing a narcissist’s game means every quest is about them and you’re just an NPC.
However, by applying a few careful strategies, you can protect your own main-character energy.
Table of Contents
But first . . . what even is a narcissist?
Despite popular boomer opinion, not everyone who takes selfies is a narcissist. And narcissistic tendencies do not equate narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is a diagnosable mental health condition, while tendencies are just personality quirks that can range from annoying to mildly toxic.
Here’s a quick rundown of traits common to both:
constant need for attention and admiration
sense of entitlement
lack of empathy
difficulty handling criticism
inflated sense of self-importance
using others for personal gain
jealousy or suspicion of jealousy
exaggerating achievements or talents
obsession with status, power, or success
preoccupation with appearance or reputation
1. When they deflect the blame . . .
A narcissist is never wrong and never, ever makes mistakes.
Or so they like to think. Narcissists have a supernatural ability to dodge responsibility. They’ve perfected the art of blame-shifting, turning every conversation into a courtroom, where you’re suddenly on trial for something you didn’t even do.
You do not have to play along. When they start deflecting blame, recognize it for what it is — a tactic to avoid accountability. Instead of getting pulled into their drama, calmly bring the conversation back to the main issue. If you stay focused, you’ll keep control of the conversation.
Remember, blame isn’t really useful in a healthy relationship anyway. Approach your partner’s mistakes with as much grace as you would like for yours. If they aren’t meeting the expectations you have for the relationship, discuss that with them instead of pointing fingers.
Narcissist: “Well, you’ve done worse before.”
You: “Maybe, but right now we’re talking about this situation. Let’s stay on that.”
2. When they gaslight you . . .
The 2022 Word of the Year: gaslighting. Its bad rap may make you question its existence (ironic), but gaslighting is very real.
When someone makes you doubt what you know happened, like reality itself is up for debate, you’re being gaslighted. Narcissists are masters of this manipulative tactic. Suddenly, you’re second-guessing your own memory while they confidently rewrite the past.
With each calculated statement, they chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling uncertain and off-balance. But there is a way to handle it:
- Stay calm and trust your version of events. You don’t need to argue or prove your point; just affirm your experience and move on.
- Keep a record of what was said and done. Narcissists can have a habit of rewriting history to serve their own narrative, so jot down the dates of key points of important discussions. I recommend journaling.
- Pick your battles well. Some arguments are best left un-argued. If it’s not important, just let it go.
- Avoid triggers. If the narcissist in your life turns to gaslighting in specific situations, practice steering those situations away from disagreement.
Narcissist: “You’re just imagining things” or “I never said that.”
You: “That’s not how I remember it, but let’s move forward from here,” or “I remember it differently; let’s agree to disagree.”
3. When they guilt-trip you . . .
When you said you wanted to take a trip, you meant to Cabo.
Narcissists use guilt-tripping, a type of emotional manipulation, to make you feel responsible for their feelings or actions, often by bringing up old issues or obligations. But you are NOT responsible for their feelings. Your primary responsibility is to your own well-being and happiness.
It’s crucial that you set clear boundaries. This article can help you do that: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships: What They Are and How to Set Them.
Ask your partner to acknowledge that your relationship needs attention. Read How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story together for tips and strategies for improving things.
Recognize that the problem may be bigger than you can manage on your own. Read 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore to find out what you should do next.
Narcissist: “After everything I’ve done for you . . .”
You: “I appreciate what you’ve done, but I need to make this decision for myself,” or “I understand you’re upset, but I won’t let you make me feel guilty for your choices.”
4. When they verbally abuse you . . .
There’s one lie our parents told us that stands out above the rest of them — and there were a lot.
No, it’s not “turning on a light in the car at night is illegal.” It’s “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Words can cut deeper than knives, and narcissists are skilled verbal assassins who know exactly where to strike. They launch targeted attacks at your self-worth, firing off cruel comments and harsh criticisms designed to make you feel small while making themselves feel powerful.
What makes this especially painful is how they often disguise their verbal attacks as “helpful feedback” or “honest opinions.” But their end game is to make you feel powerless and small, a tactic used by controlling partners.
In the midst of a verbal attack, remember that walking away isn’t giving up — it’s standing up for yourself.
Stepping away can give you both a chance to think about what you’ll say next, and hopefully what they say next isn’t a sign your relationship has reached its last legs.
To reclaim your life, read How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Steps to Regain Your Freedom.
Narcissist: “I can’t believe you thought that was a good idea. No wonder you always mess things up” or “You should be grateful I’m even giving you my time. Most people wouldn’t bother with someone like you.”
You: “I’m not okay with being spoken to like that. Let’s keep this respectful,” or “Your opinion doesn’t define me.”
Expert insight: Neuroscientist Dr. Berit Brogaard points out in Psychology Today that calmly identifying and calling out verbal abuse is often the most effective first step in addressing this behavior.[1]
5. When they hog the spotlight . . .
Do you remember the background actors on popular shows? Not likely.
A narcissist makes everything about them, turning everyone else in the room into an extra in a series about their life.
Got a big promotion? They’ll top it with their work story. Mention your struggle? They’ve been through so much worse. This constant one-upping and spotlight-hogging can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and downright invisible.
Here are some quick tips for handling a spotlight-hogging narcissist:
- Redirect the focus tactfully: Acknowledge their input, then guide the conversation back to the group or another person.
- Assert yourself calmly: Politely remind them to let you finish speaking without escalating the situation.
- Use humor to disarm: A lighthearted comment like, “Let’s not turn this into The [Their Name] Show!” can sometimes help balance the dynamic.
Narcissist: “Oh, that reminds me of when I switched careers. It was such a huge deal for me. Everyone was so impressed with how I handled it.”
You: “That sounds interesting, but right now, I really need to focus on my situation. Can we come back to your experience later?”
6. When they give you the silent treatment . . .
Silent treatment isn’t the harmless joke people make it out to be in memes about angry wives.
This behavior can actually harm your mental and physical health.
You’ll constantly check your phone, obsessively wondering why they’re not responding. Your productivity at work suffers as you become distracted. Sleep becomes difficult as anxiety creeps in. You might experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomach tension, and increased cortisol levels from the constant stress.[2]
It’ll be hard, but don’t take the bait.
Instead of begging for their attention, distract yourself with things and people that make you feel good. And when they eventually start talking again, don’t rehash the silent treatment. Keep the conversation forward-focused and maintain your boundaries. Remember, this behavior is about control, not communication — don’t let it control you.
Narcissist: Gives you the silent treatment.
You: “I see you’re not talking — if there’s an issue, let’s discuss it when you’re ready,” or “I understand you might need some space, but prolonged silence isn’t healthy for our relationship. Let’s find a way to communicate better.”
7. When they love bomb you . . .
I bet you didn’t know the dating world had its own version of a free trial that comes with hidden strings attached.
Love bombing is all about overloading you with attention to get you hooked. They’ll call you their soulmate, shower you with gifts, make sweeping declarations about your future together, and act like you’re the answer to all their prayers — often within days of meeting. It feels amazing — until it doesn’t.
The flattery suddenly stops and toxicity starts, but you’re already hooked. Then, just when you’re about to throw up your hands and quit, boom. More love.
Here’s how you handle the toxic cycle of love bombing:
- Don’t get swept away. Remember that real love grows steadily, like a strong tree. Anyone who professes their undying love in week one is full of it.
- Set boundaries: Make it clear what you’re comfortable with and stick to your limits. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
- Trust your instincts: If something feels too good to be true, it probably is. Trust your gut feelings.
Narcissist: “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I think this is fate.”
Your response: “Thank you,” or “I appreciate your kind words, but I’m not ready for that yet.”
Textbook love bombing
8. When they play the victim . . .
Get out your smelling salts. Swooning like a shocked maiden isn’t just for the Victorians.
Narcissists can twist any situation into a tragic narrative in which they’re the helpless, wounded protagonist and everyone else is the villain. Their goal isn’t healing or understanding; it’s to generate maximum sympathy while dodging any real responsibility.
Simply acknowledge their feelings (because you’re a decent human), but don’t let their “woe is me” act derail the real issue. You’re not a therapist, and you’re definitely not responsible for fixing their feelings. That’s a fast track to codependency.
To avoid getting caught up in a narcissist’s endless drama, another strategy is to limit your emotional investment. Enter the “gray rock” technique — become as boring and uninteresting as a literal gray rock![3]
Gray rocking is all about not giving a narcissist the reaction they crave. When you stay calm, neutral, and uninterested, they lose the “fuel” that keeps them engaged.
If you feel like the relationship has become a burden to your emotional well-being, read this article for tips on how to deal with this situation: Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life
Narcissist: “I’m always the one who gets hurt. No one ever thinks about my feelings” or “It’s always my fault, isn’t it? No matter what I do, I’m the bad guy.”
You: “I understand you’re upset, but let’s talk about fixing this issue,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way [then redirect to the main topic].”
9. When they use triangulation . . .
Ever feel like you’ve been cast in a messy soap opera you didn’t audition for?
That’s triangulation — a narcissist’s favorite plot twist. It’s a manipulation tactic where they deliberately involve a third person to create more tension, confusion, or conflict and absolve themselves of all responsibility.
A classic example might be a narcissistic partner who tells their spouse something like, “Your best friend said you’re not trustworthy,” while simultaneously telling the friend a different version of events.
If this happens to you, avoid reacting emotionally or trying to defend yourself — it only feeds the drama. Just focus on facts and the issue at hand without engaging in their attempts to involve others. If they claim someone said something about you, go directly to the source instead of trusting their version.
You can also read 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore to know how to root out the toxic people in your life.
Narcissist: “Your mom agrees with me about this. Let’s call her and I’ll prove it.”
Your response: “I’m not comfortable with you involving others in our conversations,” or “I’d prefer to discuss this with just you and me.”
Your Next Steps
Now that you’ve got some idea of how narcissists operate and a few of your own tricks up your sleeve, where to now?
Educate yourself. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and the tactics narcissists and other toxic partners use. The more you understand their behavior, the better equipped you’ll be to handle it effectively.
Don’t enable. Narcissists are emotional vampires who feed on your reactions. If they initiate an argument, don’t give in to their demands or accept their manipulation. Stay calm and refuse to engage.
Revise your expectations. If the narcissist is a family member or someone you can’t easily cut out of your life, try to reframe the relationship. Focus on the positive aspects and set realistic expectations for their behavior.
Practice mindfulness through meditation. Meditation strengthens your ability to stay grounded and detached from emotional manipulation. It helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Journaling is equally as important. Keeping a record of interactions can help you identify patterns in the narcissist’s behavior.
Consider professional help. If the narcissist’s behavior is causing significant distress, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide you with strategies and support tailored to your situation.
Leave the relationship. If you’re stuck in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and it’s taking a toll on your mental or physical health, it’s time to consider an exit plan. Having a backup plan, like a place to stay or contacts who can help, can make a huge difference.
This article has a quiz to help you determine if you’re in a toxic relationship and provides advice on how to leave: How to Leave a Toxic Relationship: 6 No-Nonsense Steps (+ Quiz).
Go no contact. Narcissists will try to manipulate you long after you’ve left the relationship. To protect yourself, consider going full no contact after the breakup.
Remember, it’s okay to walk away from toxic relationships. Your well-being IS the priority. You ARE the main character in your story. Don’t let a narcissist drain your energy or dim your light.
For additional insights for safety and healing, see our guides to dealing with relationship abuse.
Here are some helpful resources for victims of abuse:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): www.rainn.org
- Love Is Respect (for young people in abusive relationships): www.loveisrespect.org
- Safe Horizon (for crime and abuse victims): www.safehorizon.org
FAQs
How can you disengage from a narcissist?
You can disengage from a narcissist by keeping interactions brief and avoiding emotional reactions. Set clear boundaries, stick to them, and limit contact when possible. If you’re able, go “low contact” or “no contact” to create space for yourself and protect your peace.
What’s the best way of dealing with a narcissist?
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to set strong boundaries, stay calm, and not take their behavior personally. Focus on protecting your well-being and avoid arguing or trying to change them, as they rarely see faults in their behavior.
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
When a narcissist can’t control you, they might get angry, give you the silent treatment, or try to manipulate you. Some may act out to regain control, but staying calm and consistent with your boundaries can help you stay in charge.
How do you argue with a narcissist?
Arguing with a narcissist is tricky, so try to avoid it when possible. If you must, stick to facts, stay calm, and don’t let emotions take over. They may twist your words, so be direct and brief to avoid getting drawn into a fight.
References
1. Broogard, B. (2016, December 6). The Most Effective Way to Stop Verbal Abuse. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-of-love/201612/the-most-effective-way-to-stop-verbal-abuse
2. Ising, M., & Holsboer, F. (2006). Genetics of stress response and stress-related disorders. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 433–444.
https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2006.8.4/mising
3. Gillis K. (2023, June 1). The Grey Rock Method: Techniques & How to Use It. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method/
