Breakups suck, but what comes after the breakup can be awkward, inconvenient, and even more painful than the breakup itself.
The solution? Go no contact.
Table of Contents
But first . . . what is the No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is the period of radio silence after the end of a relationship. You’re not contacting him; he’s not contacting you. It’s time for both of you to take a break and reevaluate things. This is the space in which you can learn to detach yourself from this person once and for all. Here’s what no contact looks like:
No texting
No talking in person or on the phone
No social media interaction at all
Unfollowing or muting social media
Avoiding presence at the same events
Simply put, it’s an opportunity to press the reset button, take a step back, gain both perspective and closure.
1. You can prioritize yourself again.
There’s a subtle (yet very recognizable) shift that takes place in most new relationships.
You stop doing the things, hanging out with the people, and living the life that made you you before he came into it. Going no contact gives you that life back! I remember when I was dating a girl some time ago. We dated for about a year before I started letting things in my life fall by the wayside.
Engaging in hobbies? Meh. Spending time with friends? Maybe next week. Working on a side hustle? No thanks. Aside from my job, I pretty much let everything go; my life revolved around this girl.
She eventually left without a trace, and I had to get my groove back. You can too. Here are a few practical steps to prioritize yourself after going no contact:
- Focus on your career. Get that money honey! Sometimes, going no contact is the perfect excuse to go double-down on your career.
- Practice real self care. Self-care is often touted as bubble baths and scented candles. Those things are nice, but real self-care is the practical stuff: exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep. Embracing your passions. Imbuing a journal with your deepest feelings.
- Set new goals. Nothing distracts like trying to achieve something. Actually achieving it is even nicer.
Expert insight: Darlene Lancer, author of Codependency for Dummies, writes, “We prioritize our relationships above our self, not occasionally, which would be normal, but repeatedly. In important relationships, we dread losing our connection with others or their approval. With our partner, we sacrifice ourselves over and over in small and big ways.”[1]
2. He’ll start to miss you.
One benefit to going no contact is great if you’re just a tad bitter.
Did you spend weeks or months of the relationship wishing he’d make you a priority? Did he twist every conflict to make you a villain? Did he betray you, cheat on you, or otherwise do you dirty?
No contact can make a guy who didn’t appreciate you when you were around miss you like crazy. All but disappearing into the ether is the saving grace that will have him eating his heart out and regretting ever mistreating you.
Keep in mind that holding on too tightly to bitterness and vengeance might derail your healing from the breakup. But if knowing he’s wallowing in regret makes you feel just a tad bit better about all the time you wasted on him, I’m not judging.
Did you know? Vengeance has three main motivations: “getting retribution to re-establish the moral order . . .; giving the perpetrator what [they deserve]; and keeping up appearances and regaining self-esteem.” Unsurprisingly, this kind of vindictiveness is more common in those “who are very sensitive to negative events.”[2]
3. He’ll finally respect you.
The downfall of any relationship always begins with one thing.
Disrespect. It started with him interrupting you mid-conversation with friends. Evolved into disrespecting your boundaries, time, opinions, and feelings. Maybe even spiraled into lying, cheating, or even gaslighting.
Being disrespected and mistreated over and over again makes it hard to sustain the feelings of love you once had for this person. But it’s also damaged your self-esteem, making it hard enough to break things off, let alone cutting contact entirely.
If you slip up and reach out or answer a text, that’s ok. You don’t have to abandon the whole plan just because you made contact. It’s not an all or nothing thing.
What’s important is that you value your space in a way that brooks no space for disrespect.
When you muster the strength to go no contact, you take disrespectful behavior and smash it, building boundaries up taller than the ice wall from Game of Thrones.
Expert insight: Frei and Shaver write in Personal Relationships that their “respect scale predicted relationship satisfaction better than scales measuring liking, loving, attachment-related anxiety and avoidance, and positive and negative partner qualities.”[3]
4. You’ll experience a confidence renaissance.
There’s one simple loophole that will help you move on quicker (and find someone better) once a relationship has ended.
You may feel like confidence is impossible in the aftermath of your breakup. You’re wondering where things went wrong, obsessing over every interaction, and questioning your self-worth. That’s why going no contact is the key to rebuilding your confidence.
The no contact rule isn’t just a strategy, it’s liberation from this emotional turmoil. By deliberately choosing to step back and focus on yourself, you’ll not only create the space needed for healing but also rediscover the fierce, high-value woman who exists beyond any relationship’s shadow.
Did you know: Relationship satisfaction and positive self-concept exist together in a kind of loop, in which one is constantly improving the other. The connection comes from the stability that a confident person brings to a relationship and the stability that a healthy relationship brings to a person.[4] You can’t be happy in a relationship with someone who makes you feel small.
5. You’ll conquer codependency.
Some toxic relationships are subtler than others. Some relationship dynamics look like healthy devotion but hide a damning secret beneath the surface.
Dysfunction, thy name is codependency. Codependency, a cycle of need and insecurity, can come in the form of people-pleasing, caretaking, or even trying to “fix him.”
Tell me if this sounds familiar: You like to be needed, so you reshaped your world around his needs and moods. If you’ve lost sight of your own dreams, identity, and personal power, the no contact rule can help you reclaim your independence.
Going no contact helps break the ties of codependent behavior by creating distance. This space allows you to reconnect with who you are and what you value without the toxic influence of a dude who’s monopolizing your energy.
Pro tip: If necessary, assign an intermediary to handle issues of mutual importance, such as bills or pet sharing.
If you’re struggling with a codependent or otherwise toxic relationship, here are some articles that might help you:
- How to Leave a Toxic Relationship: 6 No-Nonsense Steps (+ Quiz)
- 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags
- 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
- How to Break Up With Someone You Love (Hint: Not by Text Message)
Expert insight: Codependency expert Pia Mellody writes that “codependents have difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem; setting functional boundaries; owning and expressing their own reality; taking care of their adult needs and wants; and experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.” As you can see, going no contact is particularly suitable to escaping a codependent relationship.[5]
6. It speeds up emotional healing.
What if I told you that you could fast-track the emotional healing process?
In the middle of a breakup, your emotions are raw and all over the place. And the more you stay in contact, the harder it will be, and the longer it will take to heal. So, no barrage of post-breakup texts or passive-aggressive social media updates. You can’t heal from emotional frustration if you remain in the chaos that caused it in the first place.
Using the no contact rule can speed up the breakup healing process by taking you out of the emotional pressure cooker. This gives you time and space to healthily process your feelings and debrief the relationship itself.
Here’s a tip: Enlist a friend to be your accountability coach. When you feel the urge to check if he’s hurting after the breakup, reach out to your friend instead. They’ll be your much-needed reality check in those moments of weakness — so lean on them.
Expert insight: Your negative emotions following a breakup represent what psychologists call expressions of distress. These expressions of distress are unavoidable prerequisite steps to change, however. Healthy expressions of anger, self-compassion, and grief and hurt are crucial to unpacking and moving past these negative emotions.[6]
7. You have space to move on with clarity.
Do you really want to carry all this baggage into your next relationship? It’s time to wrap up this chapter of your life.
The end of a relationship often brings a lot of conflicting emotions and confusion. You second-guess yourself and everything else, replaying every painful moment like a bad movie reel. These mental gyrations cloud your judgment and prevent you from understanding what really went wrong.
The no contact rule is such a powerful solution because it lifts you from the emotional turbulence and creates a space for reflection. Without contact, you can step back, breathe, and gain the perspective that was impossible to see while you were caught up in the relationship drama.
Embrace complete disconnection. When you commit to going no contact, the mental static clears. You finally see the trees and not just the forest.
Here’s how you can create that kind of psychological breathing room:
- Spend time outdoors. Hang out by some water if you can. Water stills your thoughts and helps you to reflect.
- Allow yourself to grieve. The path to closure includes letting it all out. Take a day to sob and cry and mourn the end of your relationship. This is normal and healthy.
- Review the lessons you learned. Take time to examine the relationship and the lessons it has to offer, even considering the mistakes you made. This will prepare you for your next relationship.
If you still haven’t decided if breaking up is the right thing to do, this article might help: When Is It Time to Break Up With Your Partner? The Telltale Signs You Need to End the Relationship
Conclusion
The no contact rule is easy to understand but can be challenging to apply. For this reason, give yourself some grace here. One slip doesn’t mean you abandon the whole plan.
See our guides to ending a relationship for more help making sense of your breakup.
FAQs
Is no contact effective after a breakup?
Yes, no contact can be effective after a breakup, provided you actually follow it. Gaining closure from no contact means no check-in texts, emails, or social media DMs. No contact means no contact.
How long should no contact last in a breakup?
A breakup no contact should last as long as it takes for both parties to heal and gain closure. It usually depends on who broke up with who. The person who ended the relationship holds all the cards and it’s up to them to decide if they want to try being friends post-breakup, try getting back together, or never speak to each other again.
Is going silent after a breakup good?
Yes, going silent after a breakup is good. Regardless of how the relationship ended, both parties probably need some time apart to think and contemplate the relationship. A little time away from each other can give you some much-needed perspective so you can heal and move on.
Does no contact mean it’s over?
No contact does not necessarily mean it’s over. While that may be the case in some instances, it could also mean that your relationship needs a break. Instead of worrying whether you’ll get back together, take his time to refocus your priorities and reevaluate what went wrong that caused the break in the first place.
References
1. Lancer, D. (2020) How we lose ourselves in relationships. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202010/how-we-lose-ourselves-in-relationships
2. Ruggi, S., Gilli, G., Stuckless, N., & Oasi, O. (2012). Assessing vindictiveness: Psychological aspects by a reliability and validity study of the Vengeance Scale in the Italian context. Current Psychology, 31, 365–380.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-012-9153-2
3. Frei, J. R., & Shaver, P. R. (2002). Respect in close relationships: Prototype definition, self‐report assessment, and initial correlates. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 121–139.
https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00008
4. Lewandowski, G. W., Nardone, N., & Raines, A. J. (2009). The role of self-concept clarity in relationship quality. Self and Identity, 9(4), 416–433.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860903332191
5. Mellody, P. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Harper & Row.
6. Pascual-Leone, A. (2018). How clients “change emotion with emotion”: A programme of research on emotional processing. Psychotherapy Research, 28(2), 165–182. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2017.1349350
