8 Tips for (Actually) Being Friends With Your Ex

“Let’s stay friends” sounds noble . . . until you’re actually trying it.

But some exes do find the path to genuine friendship, while for others it’s a chapter best left closed. So, what makes some succeed at being friends with an ex where others fail?

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

There’s something comforting about staying friends with someone who already knows your weird uncle Todd and that you add ketchup to mac and cheese.

But can it really be done? Should it even be done? As usual, the answer is . . . it depends.

Psychologists have looked into this whole “friendship with the ex” thing and found that about 60% of people have at least attempted it. And yes, some actually make it work — under the right conditions.^[1]

The real key lies in why you want to stay friends in the first place.

In a study on motivations for staying friends with exes, researchers asked 288 adults, ages 18 to 62, to sort through 29 reasons for staying connected post-breakup, ranging from “being polite” to “not wanting to be alone.” 

Their responses boiled down to four top motivations:

• Security: Some keep an ex close for the comfort factor — the emotional support, shared memories, or just knowing there’s someone who gets you. They may not be “the one” anymore, but they’re still someone you can count on, even if the romance is long gone.
• Practical: Then there’s the group who stick around for logistical reasons. Maybe there’s shared financial support, a co-parenting setup, or just possessions too complicated to divvy up. And for some, it’s also about keeping up appearances — why lose the status that came with the relationship?
• Civility: Sometimes, staying friends is just about keeping things polite and drama-free. Maybe it’s to avoid hurting feelings, dodge awkward confrontations, or just to keep things civil out of respect (or guilt). 
• Unresolved romantic desire: And finally, we have the classic case of “unfinished business.” This is the one no one loves to admit — staying friends to keep the door open for a “maybe” in the future. Whether it’s lingering attraction, a fear of being alone, or low-key hoping for a second chance, this category has “to be continued” written all over it.^[2] 

If you’re clinging to unresolved romantic feelings, you’re more likely to end up heartbroken, anxious, or even jealous. Plus, it can hold you back from forming new friendships and relationships. Meanwhile, staying friends out of practicality or civility often leads to future fallout since those connections can feel, well, a bit forced.

But it’s not all doom and gloom: those who stay friends for emotional security tend to feel more positive and grounded.

Here’s my take: I’ve had three serious relationships — so, three real exes. 

One I didn’t stay friends with because, honestly, we were never really friends to begin with (trust me, it happens more than you’d think). Another was an emotionally abusive relationship I had to cut off entirely, blocked everywhere. 

But one relationship actually grew out of friendship, and when the romantic spark faded, it shifted back to a friendship. Although, even that story is not without its twists and turns.

How to Be Friends With an Ex (Without Losing Your Sanity)

1. Be friends to begin with

Surprising as it may be, many relationships don’t actually start with friendship as their foundation. In Western cultures especially, romantic love is often prioritized as the ultimate goal, treating friendship as somewhat of a by-product — even though research proves the exact opposite.

We’re constantly surrounded by media, societal expectations, and traditions (like Valentine’s Day) that glorify the grand gestures of a hopeless romantic over building a solid emotional connection. So, plenty of couples put their energy into keeping the romance alive, often without cultivating a genuine friendship.^[3]

If friendship wasn’t part of your relationship from the start, don’t expect it to magically appear now. 

2. Give yourself time

Friendship with an ex needs breathing room — time to grieve, accept, and reset. 

Remember in The Break-Up when Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn’s characters decide to live together post-breakup? Spoiler alert: It doesn’t go well.

While there’s no one-size-fits-all here, allowing yourself to take some distance (both physical and emotional) to truly mourn what’s over is essential. 

Don’t rush into “friend” mode just to feel close again. Respect that both of you may need time to process, even if your feelings faded first. This space, mixed with a few generous, heartfelt cries over what didn’t turn out as hoped, is a necessary step. 

Only after grieving what’s gone can you both open the door to something new, if that’s where it leads.

3. Feel your feelings

Emotions after a breakup are messy, and that’s totally normal. But if you skip over processing — whether that’s sadness, anger, relief, or some confusing mix of all three — those feelings will creep up when you least expect them, including in any “friendship” you’re trying to build.

That’s why it’s essential to prioritize finding closure first, giving yourself the space to process and heal truly.

Grief specialist David Kessler shares a great story about buffaloes: When a storm is coming, buffaloes don’t run away like most animals — they run straight into it. Why? Because facing it head-on is the quickest way to reach the other side. 

So, be the buffalo! Cry it out, call a friend, or even hit up a rage room if that’s your thing. Only by facing and feeling the fallout from your breakup can you find closure.

4. Decide what type of friendship you want

Not all friendships are created equal, especially with an ex. So before diving in, think about what kind of friendship feels right. Do you just want to keep things casual and avoid being total strangers or are you looking for something a little deeper? 

Here are a few ways it could go:

• The Casual Check-In: A text here and there, maybe a friendly “like” on their latest post. It’s light, no strings attached.
• The Group Hang Friend: You’re cool seeing each other in group settings, but no one-on-one catch-ups.
• The Close Friend: You’re genuinely there for each other — regular chats, honest support, the whole deal.

Choose what feels best for both of you. Sometimes a breakup can be good for a relationship. The clear step back can lay the foundation for a healthier, more balanced dynamic if you both decide to stay in each other’s lives.

5. Set and respect boundaries

As Nedra Tawwab writes: “Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”^[4] So, before you dive into your lovers-to-friends setup, take a moment to figure out what boundaries feel comfortable for both of you. 

How often do you want to talk? Are certain topics (like dating) off-limits? What type of contact are you most comfortable with? Maybe you’re both good with texting, but calls and in-person meetups feel too personal.

Take a page from Ross and Rachel’s on-again, off-again saga in Friends. Their inability to set clear boundaries led to a decade of confusion, “breaks,” and iconic moments we laughed at — but probably wouldn’t want to live through ourselves.

Laying out these ground rules in advance keeps things clear and avoids those awkward slip-ups that can derail your new friendship. 

6. Bring in the new

Post-breakup, nothing will ever be the same. While a few things will stay familiar, like his height or sense of humor, most of your dynamic will change, and TBH, needs to change.

So, instead of diving back into the same routines, try to avoid stuff that feels too . . . personal. You know, like the movie marathons you used to have every weekend. Maybe go out to the movies instead of chilling on the couch or pick something neutral that doesn’t bring back too many memories.

Of course, these are just suggestions! Do whatever feels right for both of you — just make sure it doesn’t pull you back into old patterns. Keeping things new and light helps make the friendship actually feel like a friendship, not a nostalgia trip.

Need a break from love altogether?

7. Continue to pursue other relationships

Friendship with an ex can work, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of making new connections. 

I’ve been there — my ex and I even supported each other through new relationships and breakups. But not everyone was thrilled about it. 

One of my ex’s exes (LOL), for example, refused to ever meet me (she ended up ghosting him a few months later, so maybe it was more about her than our friendship, but what do I know).

Still, people have their triggers, and trying to befriend your ex can certainly bring them up. Rather than going straight for “yes” or “no” when it comes to your ex, psychologists suggest asking your new partner what boundaries would help them feel secure.^[5]

Meanwhile, keep broadening your social circle — investing in friendships and family connections takes the pressure off the post-breakup friendship and keeps it genuinely healthy.

8. Maintain open communication

Any healthy relationship thrives on honest communication, and that’s especially true with an ex. 

Study after study confirms that open and honest communication is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and preventing misunderstandings — it’s such a big deal that it’s one of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by the one-and-only John Gottman (seriously, read this book!).

Check in with each other regularly — how’s the friendship feeling? Is it working, or are things getting murky? And if one of you starts dating someone new, talk about it openly to keep everything smooth and avoid awkwardness. Remember: if it’s not working for one of you, it’s not really working for either.

Is It Healthy to Be Friends With Your Ex?

Yes, and no, and it all depends. 

Many factors come into play, and knowing which ones make a post-breakup friendship not only feasible but healthy can help you figure out if it’s worth a shot. 

If the relationship was free of major betrayals and ended mutually — especially if it was due to differences like romantic or sexual incompatibilities or simply drifting apart — there’s a stronger chance that friendship could be a positive addition to both your lives.

Here are a few signs it is healthy to stay friends:

• You have both fully accepted it’s over.
• You’re genuinely over each other — no lingering romantic feelings, just respect.
• Spending time together doesn’t bring up pain or tension and feels totally platonic.
• You both agreed it wasn’t working romantically.
• There’s enough common ground — shared interests or values — to build a friendship on.
• Being friends adds value to both your lives instead of keeping you stuck.
• Both of you can accept and support each other dating new people without drama.
• The idea of friendship is mutual and feels natural rather than forced.

If these check out, friendship might actually work! But sometimes, a friendship isn’t the healthiest move and can end up complicating things. Here are some signs that maybe it’s time to let go:

• One of you secretly hopes to get back together.
• There’s still some emotional pain.
• The breakup involved betrayal or hurt (such as cases of cheating or major trust issues).
• The friendship is being used as a way to “soften the blow.” If it’s a crutch to avoid a clean break, that’s a sign.
• You feel obligated to stay friends, as if you “owe” it to each other.
• Seeing your ex with someone else causes strong feelings of jealousy or anger.
• There’s been trouble respecting boundaries.
• Only one of you actually wants the friendship.
• You’re unable to pursue other romantic connections without feeling torn or guilty.

In reality, you probably feel a mix of both healthy and not-so-healthy signs about being friends with your ex — and guess what? That’s totally healthy. 

There’s always going to be a bit of a sting here and there because, well, we’re human. Emotions are complex, and breakups rarely fit into neat categories.

But here’s the thing: If hanging out with your ex is making you genuinely miserable, that’s a sign it may not be the right choice. 

If, instead, you enjoy having him in your life and see those occasional stings as reminders of something within you still processing — more as signals for personal growth than triggers — that’s perfectly okay. It might be something to work through with your therapist or explore through journaling, meditation, or another kind of self-reflection.

Remember, we’re not striving for perfection, just the best possible outcome for where we are right now.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, being friends with an ex can be a beautiful thing — if both of you are truly ready, respectful, and on the same page. It may take some boundaries, some emotional work, and a bit of patience, but who knows? You might just find yourself looking back one day, laughing together, and saying, “Look at us. Who would’ve thought?” 

Looking for more info about navigating the end of a relationship? Check out the link!

FAQs

References

1. Griffith, R. L., Gillath, O., Zhao, X., & Martinez, R. (2017). Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes. Personal Relationships, 24(3), 451–467.
https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12197

2. Griffith, R. L., Gillath, O., Zhao, X., & Martinez, R. (2017). Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes. Personal Relationships, 24(3), 451–467.
https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12197

3. Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1997). Self-expansion motivation and including other in the self. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions (2nd ed., pp. 251–270). John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

4. Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

5. Franco, M. (2022). Platonic: How the science of attachment can help you make—and keep—friends. G.P. Putnam’s Sons.