When to Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage: Read This Before Making Any Decisions

Becky is 39. Becky is smart, funny, and the type of woman who remembers your birthday without Facebook reminders. Becky has been married for twelve years. Becky loves her husband. Becky hasn’t had an orgasm in five years.

Rethinking the “Sexless” Marriage

A marriage is typically considered “sexless” if sex occurs fewer than 10 times per year.^[1] 

Did you just start mentally tallying how many times you’ve had intercourse this year?

For at least two thousand years, the narrative of sex has been so androcentric that we’ve been trained to equate sex with penetration. But that’s not how intimacy works (at least not for half of the population).

Most studies define a sexless marriage as one lacking any kind of sexual activity that involves mutual sexual pleasure, not just penetrative sex.^[2] This means oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of sexual intimacy (as long as both of you view it as part of your sexual connection).

The key factor isn’t just what kind of sex, but rather whether physical intimacy exists in a way that feels fulfilling and present in the marriage.

And Becky? She wrote off intimacy as a thing of the past. That is, until her husband started talking divorce.

Why Marriages Become Sexless

Becky used to love the way her husband, Tom, touched her.

There was a time when his hands lingered at her waist, when she could feel his desire in the way he pulled her close, the way he gently kissed her neck, sending a shiver down her spine.

That was before life happened. Before the kids, the schedules, the exhaustion. Before she started seeing herself as a woman responsible for everything — except her own pleasure.

Women stop seeing themselves as sexual beings

Saying a drop in libido causes sexlessness is only part of the story.

Becky didn’t plan to stop wanting sex. After the honeymoon phase faded, she realized something terrifying: She had no idea how to ask for what she wanted. Hell, she wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Those first years of passion ran on instinct and newness. But now?

How do you tell your loving husband you want him to pull your hair? How do you admit you fantasize about reenacting some Fifty Shades of Grey themes when there’s a PTA meeting tonight? How does a respectable mother of two confess she wants to be devoured?

So, Becky stopped thinking about her own pleasure. There were always more important things to do anyway. But the more she ignored her own sexuality, the harder it became to access it.

But sexuality doesn’t come with an expiration date — no matter what society might have us believe. It’s always within reach, waiting for you to reconnect. Here are a few practices from my own playbook that help me tap into that sexy, sensual energy:

• Treat yourself as the Most Important Guest. Clean your space as if you were a VIP. Cook your favorite meal. Open the bottle of wine you’ve been saving for “special occasions.” Put on the dress you only wear to “go out.” Then, just enjoy your own company. Afterward, journal about how it all made you feel.
• Pleasure yourself (no, not in the way you think, though that can help too). Run a bath with rose petals, just like in the movies. Buy yourself a silk robe in an impractical color, just because it makes you feel divine. Stroke your own skin, run lotion over your arms and legs and savor the sensation. Touch yourself in a way you’d touch someone you love.
• Move your hips. Dance, sway, seductively roll your hips (doesn’t matter that you cannot do it like Tyla in “Water,” dance anyway). Your hips are the center of your creative and sensual power, move them. I love swaying to “Obsesion” by Aventura. 

Becky’s problem wasn’t that she didn’t want sex. It was that she didn’t know how to want it anymore. And Tom? He didn’t know how to help her find her way back.

Men think desire is a switch that flips

There’s a not-so-secretive secret to a woman’s desire that most men refuse to learn.

Becky knew Tom wanted her. That was never the problem. He reached for her, kissed her neck, slid his hand across her waist, but instead of feeling desired, she felt . . . nothing. Worse than nothing — pressure, guilt: “Why don’t I want him back?” “What’s wrong with me?”

There’s nothing wrong with Becky. It’s just that, especially later in life, many women need context for desire to spark. They don’t get excited, just like that. They need something to get excited by.

There are two main types of desire:

• Spontaneous desire: This is the kind of desire that pops up out of nowhere — an urge that hits without warning, like flipping on a switch. It’s the version of arousal we see in movies and TV, where passion strikes suddenly and effortlessly.
• Responsive desire: This kind of desire isn’t the lightning bolt, but more like the ember that needs a little tending to catch fire. It awakens after something stirs it to life — a lingering touch, a sexy text, or a conversation that makes you feel truly seen and understood.^[4]

That’s why books like Fifty Shades of Grey and A Court of Thorns and Roses captivate so many women — they offer anticipation, flirtation, and a space for attraction to slowly ignite.

Desire is also influenced by what turns you on and what shuts you down:

• Accelerators are the things that spark arousal: a playful text, deep conversation, or a man using power tools — whatever floats your boat. These moments create space for desire to grow naturally.
• Brakes, on the other hand, are the desire-killers. Stress, emotional disconnection, those saggy sweatpants he wears, or even the pressure of expected intimacy can slam the brakes hard. 

Attraction often isn’t something that just happens, but something we ignite. A truth buried under centuries of misguided rules.

Society conditions us to have a broken relationship with sex

Sex twice a week. Fifteen minutes per session. Two orgasms each. Is it just me, or does our approach to sex resemble a performance review?

Perhaps Becky and Tom could have spared themselves years of frustration had they realized their issue wasn’t truly about sex. It was about the misleading narratives they’d absorbed regarding what sex should be.

We all grew up with conflicting, unrealistic, and androcentric ideas about sexuality and desire:

• Sex is for men. Women’s pleasure is often treated as secondary or optional. Until recently, many definitions of orgasm even included ejaculation as a requirement. Interesting, isn’t it?
• Desire should be effortless. If you have to “work” at wanting sex, something must be wrong with you. Again, a fundamental misunderstanding of spontaneous vs. responsive desire.
• Good women don’t crave sex. Passion is framed as inappropriate for respectable women, especially mothers. Think that’s outdated? Watch The Idea of You and see how the main character is shamed for daring to want a sex life as a mother.
• Sex equals penetration. Intimacy is reduced to one act, ignoring the full spectrum of pleasure.

For women, the problem is twofold: We are told that desirability is our worth, but that wanting sex too much makes us “less respectable.”

So, women internalize the idea that sex is for men. They never learn about their own pleasure — and even if they wanted to, where? From whom? 

Eventually, they stop wanting it at all. 

As an exercise, write down your limiting beliefs about sex. What have you been taught about sexuality that’s holding you back? What fears or judgments are keeping you from embracing your full pleasure? Get them out of your head and onto paper.

And just like that, sex fades, Tom feels rejected, Becky feels broken, and neither of them understands the real issue. But they’re both paying the price.

How Does a Sexless Marriage Affect Spouses

The loss of intimacy was changing who they were — not just as a couple, but as people.

Becky stopped wearing the red lipstick she loved. Tom’s easy laugh became rare. They were becoming smaller versions of themselves. “I love you, Bex, but I don’t want to live a sexless life for the rest of my days.” Tom’s words hung in the air, heavy with love and frustration.

They were beginning to understand intimacy wasn’t a luxury, it was the foundation. And now, they were facing the painful cost of a marriage without it.

• Loneliness sets in. Without emotional connection, conversations shrink to surface-level updates — schedules, chores, plans. Partners talk, but they no longer connect.
• Confidence plummets. Disconnection from one’s own sexuality leads to self-doubt. Becky hates her body and stops wearing what makes her feel good. Tom withdraws and feels less sure of himself. They both feel invisible.
• Stress finds no release. Physical intimacy releases oxytocin and reduces cortisol, helping partners feel bonded and at ease. Without it, stress lingers, tensions rise, and emotional exhaustion sets in.
• Avoidance becomes normal. One partner hesitates to initiate, fearing another rejection. The other dreads intimacy, feeling pressured rather than desired. Both wonder if the problem is them, and the distance grows.
• Eyes and hearts can wander. It’s not just about physical needs — people seek validation, attention, and connection. When those things are missing at home, the temptation to find them elsewhere grows.

Becky and Tom were watching their marriage unravel in slow motion. But they still had one thing left: the choice to fight for what they once had.

The Way Out of a Sexless Marriage

Most couples trying to fix their sex life are solving the wrong problem.

The lingerie Tom got her lay unused at the bottom of the drawer. She felt stupid in it. Scheduled date nights turned into exercises in disappointment. Every “solution” they tried felt more awkward than arousing.

But Becky and Tom discovered that you can rebuild desire from the ground up. It starts with something far more vulnerable than silk and lace: honesty. You might find yourselves making some awkward confessions:

• I fake my orgasms because I don’t know how to tell you what actually feels good.
• I’m scared that if I tell you my fantasies, you’ll think I’m perverted.
• Sometimes I avoid your touch because I know I can’t give you what you want.
• I feel like a failure every time you turn away from me.

Both partners are carrying their own shame, their own fears, and their own unexpressed needs. So, how do you start talking when the words get stuck in your throat?

• Make it funny. Put on a dinosaur onesie and talk about sex. Seriously. It’s hard to feel awkward when you’re dressed as a T. rex. Or wear party hats, or those ridiculous glasses with the mustache. Sex isn’t supposed to be serious. It’s play, so be playful.
• Write it down. Sometimes the words flow better on paper. Write letters to each other about your desires and fantasies. Take your time. Be honest. You might find that writing it down is actually arousing.
• Talk it through. A sex therapist helps you understand your desires, work through shame, and undo cultural conditioning around sex. If talking about sex feels awkward, why not try it with someone whose job is to make it easier? 
• Guide his hands. Teach your husband how you want to be touched. Your pleasure shouldn’t be a guessing game. Don’t assume he just knows. He doesn’t. If something isn’t working for you, say it. If something feels amazing, let him know.
• Apply the 6-second rule. Kiss or hug for a minimum of six seconds. I know it sounds silly, but it isn’t. It is a very important part of rebuilding intimacy. Physical affection releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that deepens emotional connection.
• Redefine sex. Forget everything porn taught you about intimacy. Take a tantric workshop or a sensuality class. Learn about slow touch and sensual massage (YouTube is full of such videos). Discover what pleasure means beyond the rush to orgasm. 

For Becky and Tom, it wasn’t one solution but all of them. It took time. It wasn’t always easy. But they found their way back to each other. Which is not always the case.

Can Love Survive Without Sex?

You can have lots of sex and still feel emotionally disconnected. You can have deep emotional intimacy but rarely have sex. But when both are missing? That’s when alarms should ring.

Of course, dry spells happen. Sex isn’t always the top priority. 

What matters is emotional intimacy: the shared morning coffee, the way you still lean on each other when life gets hard. For some couples, this deep emotional connection is enough to sustain a fulfilling relationship without sex.

But both partners need to be truly okay with this arrangement. 

If one person feels constantly unfulfilled or resentful, that’s a deal-breaker. Some couples find peace in redefining their marriage without sex (at the end of the day, friendship is the real basis of any marriage). Others discover this gap reveals deeper incompatibility.

The only “right” way to be married is the way that works for both partners.

But what if it’s not working? What if the distance feels less like a temporary path and more like the final destination?

Stay or Leave?

Leaving might give you a fresh start, but it won’t solve deeper issues, especially if those issues are tied to your own relationship with sex, intimacy, and self-worth. If you’re struggling with feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or shame, a new partner won’t heal that wound.

Don’t underestimate the value of what you’ve already built. A long-term marriage isn’t disposable. It’s layered with shared history, mutual support, and deep connection — things that don’t magically appear in a new relationship and are easily taken for granted.

But if you’ve tried everything — talking, counseling, rediscovering each other’s bodies — and yet, the bedroom remains cold. Maybe you’ve passed the point of no return, or perhaps you need to give it more time. 

When is it time to walk away?

• The lack of sex is just the surface of something deeper. A sexless marriage can be the symptom of deeper marital issues, such as unresolved resentment, financial stress, or even emotional neglect. If intimacy is gone and the emotional foundation is crumbling too, the issue runs deeper than what happens (or doesn’t) in the bedroom.
• Your partner isn’t willing to meet you halfway. A marriage can survive a lot, but not a one-sided effort. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or work toward a solution, that unwillingness speaks louder than any words.
• Your mismatched desires are making you miserable. Sexual rejection seriously impacts self-worth. If every attempt at intimacy leaves you feeling rejected, inadequate, or unwanted it might be time to ask if this relationship is still meeting your most basic needs.
• There’s been infidelity, and the trust is gone. Cheating changes everything. If your partner’s affair has made rebuilding trust — and physical connection — feel impossible, it might be a sign that the damage runs too deep. Without mutual trust, true intimacy can’t grow back.
• Sex has become a tool for control. When either partner uses sex as leverage — to manipulate, punish, or maintain control — it’s emotional abuse. In a healthy relationship, sex is a source of joy, not a bargaining chip.
• You want intimacy — but not with your partner. Attraction can fade, but when the idea of being intimate with your spouse feels uncomfortable or even repellent, it’s more than just a rough patch.
• Even therapy couldn’t close the gap. You went to therapy. You had the hard conversations. You both tried — really tried. But despite your best efforts, nothing changed. 

For more guidance on walking away from a sexless marriage, see our anthology of advice on ending a relationship. 

Additional reads: 

• Journaling for Healing: Rediscovering and Empowering Your Inner Self
• How to Make Yourself More Attractive and Build Your Confidence
• Unsure If Your Husband Still Loves You? Here’s How to Know
• Feeling Alone in a Relationship? You’re Not Alone
• Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs
• How to Turn a Man On: The Ultimate Guide for the Blissfully Clueless
• 80+ of the Best Dirty Pick-up Lines to Spice Things Up (NSFW)

FAQs

References

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3. Uloko, M., Isabey, E. P., & Peters, B. R. (2023). How many nerve fibers innervate the human glans clitoris: A histomorphometric evaluation of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(3), 247–252. https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdac027

4. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster.

5. Thomashauer, R. (2016). Pussy: A reclamation. Hay House.

6. Bedbible Research Center. (2024, April 25). How many marriages are sexless [Statistics]. Bedbible. https://bedbible.com/sexless-marriage-statistics/

7. Bedbible Research Center. (2024, April 25). How many marriages are sexless [Statistics]. Bedbible. https://bedbible.com/sexless-marriage-statistics/

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https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa067423

9. Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national U.S. study. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186–201. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

10. Sutherland, S. E., Rehman, U. S., Fallis, E. E., & Goodnight, J. A. (2015). Understanding the phenomenon of sexual desire discrepancy in couples. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 24(2). https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.242.A3

11. Rosen R. C. (2000). Prevalence and risk factors of sexual dysfunction in men and women. Current Psychiatry Reports, 2(3), 189–195.
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