Being in a Relationship

Unsure If Your Husband Still Loves You? Here’s How to Know

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

Table of Contents

Chloe adjusts her glasses. On her screen, a romance manuscript waits for edits. The dashing duke confesses his love under a moonlit sky.

Moments earlier, Chloe zipped her daughter Ashley’s coat while Devon grabbed his thermos. “Your science project,” she said, handing over the paper-mâché Ash made with her dad. Devon kissed Chloe’s forehead. “Back Friday,” he called, heading to the car.

Table of Contents

Now, at her desk, Chloe reads about over-the-top gestures, great sacrifices, and promises of eternal love. She rolls her eyes. Bunch of baloney. Her fingers twist her wedding ring.


What Love Looks Like

Everything I unlearned about love, I owe to British philosopher Alain de Botton. Yes, un-learned. 

With his posh accent and compassionate wisdom, he gently removes our rose-tinted glasses. He explains that romantic love, as we know it, is a modern invention. Before the 18th century, love and marriage were practical partnerships, not fairy tales.

This isn’t a call to treat marriage like a business deal, but our obsession with romance has set us up for failure. We’ve created impossible expectations that no flesh-and-blood human can meet, leaving us questioning our relationships the moment they stop looking like a Nicholas Sparks movie. 

And that’s where we find Chloe.

1. Admiration and appreciation

Chloe beams as she reads an email from one of her authors, and she can’t wait to share it with Devon.

As they sit down to eat, she says, “I got the sweetest email today from one of my authors. She thanked me for my edits.” Devon looks up from his plate. “That’s great. Pass the salt?” She hands him the salt and quietly finishes her meal.

Later that night, she breaks the silence. “Devon, when I told you about that email earlier, it felt like you didn’t care. It was important to me, and I guess I hoped you’d be more excited for me.”

Devon stops folding. “I’m sorry, Chlo. I didn’t realize it meant so much to you. I just assumed you get those kinds of messages weekly. Honestly, you should. I admire you and I love you very much.”

Like many couples, Chloe and Devon were caught in the gap between feeling admiration and expressing it. Admiration and appreciation don’t have to be loud, but they do need to be communicated in the everyday rhythm of married life.

For Chloe, Devon’s immediate acknowledgment of her feelings was proof of his love for her — but it was just the beginning.

Did you know? “In three experiments, participants wrote compliments and then predicted how happy and awkward recipients would feel; they significantly underestimated how positive and overestimated how awkward recipients actually felt upon receiving their compliments.”[1]

2. Attention and care

The next morning, Chloe finds a sticky note on her laptop: “You’re amazing, and I’m so proud of you. Let’s celebrate tonight. Love, D.” When she gets home, Devon greets her at the door with roses. “Put on your special dress,” he says with a smile. “I’ve made reservations.”

At the restaurant, Devon begins, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. When you told me I didn’t care and that you’d started doubting my love, it hit me hard. Even though we’re both busy, I want to show you how much I care about you.”

Chloe’s face brightens. “I read that couples should spend six hours a week on quality time. And . . . give each other six-second goodbye kisses. It’s supposed to build connection.”

“Six seconds? I can handle that.” Devon grins. “Quality time, huh? Maybe we could play golf again, like we used to.”

Chloe smiles. For the first time in a long while, she feels heard.

Caught up in busy lives, Chloe and Devon had mistaken together time for quality time

While romantic stories might suggest that flowers and fancy dinners are the ultimate expression of love, real attention manifests in the willingness to show up for you daily, to listen actively, and to make space for connection.

Loving attention and care build a path to love more steadfastly than gestures, but even those alone aren’t enough to sustain a relationship.

3. Support

Many mistake attention for true support, but the two aren’t the same. Understanding the difference could change how you connect with your husband in ways you never expected.

Chloe often felt the weight of the household on her shoulders, a second job she never signed up for. With Devon away for long stretches, it wasn’t just the tasks piling up — it was the loneliness

She didn’t just need help sorting bills; she needed his emotional support. When work pushed her to the brink, she wanted his strength to steady her. When she experienced self-doubt, she needed him to be there for her to encourage her with a kiss and a “Honey, you’ve got this.” That’s what support meant to her. 

When she brought it up, his answer didn’t disappoint.

“If I’ve made you feel like I’ve taken you or everything you do for granted, I’m so sorry,” his tone full of regret. “You’re such an independent superstar that sometimes I forget — even superstars need someone to lean on. Tell me what you need from me right now. I want us to figure this out together.”

While splitting household chores or encouraging personal growth will never make for a great rom-com scene, they do make for a loving marriage. Your husband’s willingness to support you in the way you need is one of the clearest signs of love and respect.

An encouraging and nurturing husband doesn’t stop at emotional support, which brings us back to that quality time that’s so important. 

4. Eagerness for your company

As they finish their meal, Chloe leans back. “You know, I’ve missed this — just sitting together, talking. It feels like we’re always in a rush these days.” 

Devon nods. “I’ve missed it too. There are times when I’m at work, and I think about how we used to have lunch dates. I don’t say it enough, but I miss you as my friend.”

“Well, they invented instant messaging just for that,” she teases, winking. “But seriously, that means a lot, Devon. I miss you too. I think what I’ve been craving isn’t just time — it’s the connection.”

It’s the simple friendship between partners that matters most. Devon missing their lunch dates and everyday talks showed Chloe something genuine — she wasn’t just his wife, but a friend he truly looked forward to connecting with.

While passion may fade and life’s demands might pull you in different directions, missing your company — not out of need or habit, but because you’re his favorite person to share moments with — is one of love’s quietest but surest signs.

And if those moments extend beyond just the two of you, even better.

Related read: Long-Distance Relationships: How to Make Them Work

5. Integrated social lives

There’s something creepy about being squirreled away at home while your spouse carries on in the outside world without you. Chloe even felt like she’d become a secret Devon was keeping.

“Since we’re already spilling everything out,” Chloe begins, “lately, it feels like we’re living two separate lives. I hear about your colleagues, but I’ve never even met them. It feels . . . weird.”

Devon frowns. “Really? I just assumed you wouldn’t be interested in meeting them.”

She sighs. “It’s not about your colleagues. We used to spend time with each other’s friends, have game nights, be part of each other’s lives.”

Devon nods. “You’re right. I miss that too. I’ll set something up with Greg from work and his wife. I love showing you off.”

When someone loves you, they want to weave you into their whole life. Devon’s immediate shift from “I assumed you wouldn’t be interested” to “I’ll set something up” revealed a genuine eagerness to bring their lives back together. 

It’s these everyday choices to include each other that show real love — wanting your partner to be part of your whole world, not just the parts at home. Devon’s willingness to pivot is crucial to his partnership with Chloe.

6. Embracing change and making sacrifices

“Okay, I need to get this off my chest,” Chloe says. “Everything changed when you started taking those on-site projects. Now it’s been two years. Ashley misses you, and I do too, so I need to ask — do you really have to go away every week?”

Devon leans back, rubbing his temples. “I could talk to my boss about scaling back. It’s just . . . those projects pay double, and I wanted to give you and Ashley the best life.”

As you can see, sometimes love camouflages itself and you miss it. What might your husband be prioritizing in the name of love that looks to you like neglect?

Behind Devon’s long hours and travel was a husband doing his best to provide. The moment mattered, not because he had it all figured out, but because when Chloe told him she missed him, he listened — and was willing to rethink those double-pay projects.

While it might not be the stuff of great romance novels, your husband’s love is often hidden in his willingness to compromise and to show that your happiness matters as much as his own.

Don’t make assumptions. To truly understand your husband’s priorities and sacrifices, and for him to know how you’d like things to change, you need to talk to him.

Did you know? In a 2019 relationship survey conducted by eHarmony, 84% of 2,000 participants agreed that compromise was “important” or “very important” for a healthy relationship. This highlights how being flexible in your marriage can make a big difference.[2]

7. Communication 

Chloe and Devon’s problems didn’t start when Devon started working out of town. Something more fundamental than geography had broken down.

“You know, Devon, I think one of the biggest issues is that we’ve stopped really talking,” Chloe says. “All we ever talk about these days is logistics, but we don’t check in with each other about how we feel.”

Devon leans back. “Wow, yeah. When was the last time we actually sat down and talked about how we’re doing as a couple? That used to be our thing.”

“It’s been too long,” Chloe agrees. “I think we need to bring back weekly check-ins, even if it’s just over FaceTime when you’re away. A chance to really talk about how we are, and how we’re feeling about our marriage. It used to save us from unnecessary fights.”

Devon smiles. “Yes, it did. Let’s reinstate the State of the Union meeting.”

As they talked, she could feel her resentment start to fade.

You won’t find real love in dramatic fights, followed by passionate reunions where all the problems are swept under the rug. Love is built and sustained through regular, honest conversations — the kind that foster understanding and connection. 

By choosing to prioritize these moments,Devon showed his love in the most meaningful way: by being present, listening, and proving that their marriage was worth the work.

8. Apologies and forgiveness

These three simple words carry more healing power than a thousand excuses. 

“I am sorry, Chlo,” Devon says. “I know I haven’t been the partner you need, but I’ll do better.”

“I forgive you,” Chloe replies softly. “And I’m sorry too — for not being honest sooner. I let resentment build when I should’ve spoken up.”

“We’ll work on it together,” Devon promises, his hand tightening around hers.

The safety of a loving relationship allows you to say sorry without fear of being ridiculed or appearing weak, and it allows you to forgive without fear of being naive. That’s the power of true love — it’s bigger than pride and all the conditioning we’ve received.

When your husband knows how to say “I’m sorry” and truly mean it — and how to forgive and move forward — your relationship becomes stronger, not weaker, after conflicts.


Why You’re Questioning His Love

For Chloe, doubts about Devon’s love came from feeling unsupported and disconnected. But these feelings can stem from various reasons — loneliness, neglect, infidelity, or even abuse

If you’re experiencing similar doubts, it’s important to reflect on whether they come from temporary challenges or deeper issues. Recognizing the root cause is the first step toward deciding whether to rebuild the connection or prioritize your well-being.


Your Next Steps

As Alain de Botton reminds us, “Love is a skill to be learned, rather than just an emotion to be felt.”[3] Chloe and Devon’s struggles stemmed from emotional disconnect, not a lack of love — a common issue when life’s demands take over. 

If you’re questioning your husband’s love, try strengthening your marriage:

  • Keep learning. Read our guides to being in a relationship for a well-rounded overview.
  • Look for positive signs of love. A willingness to talk and work through issues is one of the clearest signs that love is still present.
  • Understand mature love. Recognize that as the stability of married life sets in, the intense passion of the honeymoon phase evolves into a deeper, more enduring connection.
Related read: 11 Signs You’re a Hopeless Romantic

  • Speak up openly. Share your feelings honestly before resentment builds up.
  • Hear each other out. Acknowledge and appreciate your partner’s struggles and efforts. When sharing your feelings, give space for each other even if you don’t agree. Validating means hearing, not agreeing.
  • Understand your partner’s pain. Realize that both of you may be experiencing lack of love and work together to resolve that.
  • Compromise and adapt. Be willing to adjust routines — like scaling back work hours or setting better boundaries at home — to prioritize your marriage.
  • Introduce weekly check-ins. Dedicate time to discuss your relationship, even through FaceTime when apart, to stay emotionally connected.
  • Spend 6 hours of quality time per week. Spend at least six hours weekly together, whether on date nights, shared hobbies, or simple morning coffee.
  • Giving each other six-second goodbye kisses. Small but intentional gestures can reignite intimacy and show care.

If his response is defensive or uncooperative, or if the above signs of love are absent in your relationship, this may indicate deeper problems. These articles may provide more guidance: 


FAQs

How do I know if a married man is in love with me?

If a married man is in love with you, he may prioritize your company, share personal details, and make future-oriented promises. However, it’s important to assess his intentions critically, as his marital status complicates emotional attachments.

Can your husband love you but not desire you?

Yes, a husband can love you but not desire you. Factors such as stress, health issues, or emotional distance can impact physical attraction. Open communication and professional counseling may help address underlying causes.

How can you tell if a married man is emotionally attached to you?

A married man may be emotionally attached if he confides in you, consistently seeks your advice, or prioritizes emotional intimacy. This can indicate a deep connection, but it’s essential to consider his motivations and your boundaries.

How do you know if there is no love in your marriage?

Signs of no love in a marriage include lack of communication, emotional disconnection, and absence of intimacy. Recognizing these issues early and seeking counseling can help determine if the relationship can be repaired.


References

1. Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2019). Why don’t people give enough compliments? Underestimating the positive impact of compliments. Academy of Management Proceedings, 2019(1), 19535. https://doi.org/10.5465/AMBPP.2019.19535abstract

2. eHarmony. (2019). 2019 Relationship Survey. eHarmony. https://www.eharmony.com/desirability-study/

3. de Botton, A. (2016). Relationships. The School of Life Press.


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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