Being in a Relationship

How to Tell If Your Husband Isn’t in Love With You Anymore

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

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As Laura looked across the room at Dan, glued to his phone, she couldn’t shake the heavy feeling that something was off. She recalled the early days with Dan — laughing until their sides hurt. Now, those moments felt like a lifetime ago. 

Life had become a routine of rushed mornings and lonely nights, leaving little room for connection. She reminded herself that all marriages go through seasons of distance. 

Table of Contents

But was this just a season?

Even the best relationships go through periods of disconnection — it’s a natural part of two complex individuals sharing a life. Between daily routines and personal growth, the people you are today may differ significantly from who you were when you first said, “I do.”

These moments of distance aren’t necessarily cause for alarm. In fact, the true measure of a relationship isn’t the absence of disconnection, but rather your ability to find your way back to each other.


Is He Falling Out of Love? Mapping the Signs

After observing a couple’s interaction for only 15 minutes, Dr. John Gottman could predict with remarkable accuracy whether they would divorce or stay together. 

This was the essence of the groundbreaking “Love Lab” of the 1970s. Over the years, Gottman and his team observed more than 3,000 couples, inviting them to spend hours — or even days — in a home-like environment designed to replicate real-life interactions. 

Researchers monitored everything from facial expressions and tone of voice to heart rates and conversations. The findings were nothing short of astounding.

If Gottman’s team had observed Laura and Dan’s interactions, they’d likely have a lot to say.

1. Low or no effort

At first glance, everything about their marriage seemed ordinary. But the cracks were there, quietly widening with each passing month. 

The first time Laura felt truly alarmed was on her birthday. She had dropped hints for weeks, hoping Dan would plan something special to mark the day. Instead, the morning came with nothing more than a quick “happy birthday” text.

She tried to bring it up one evening. “Dan, I feel like we don’t spend much time together anymore. Can we do something this weekend?” To which he responded, “I’m slammed with work, maybe next week.”

It wasn’t just the missed dates or forgotten gestures — it was the absence of effort, his quiet indifference that hung between them.

Laura wondered if it was her imagination. Maybe she was asking for too much. Maybe he really was overwhelmed. But the space between them kept growing. 

Did you know? Responding to a partner’s “bids for connection” can make or break a relationship. Dr. Gottman defines these bids as small, everyday gestures — like a comment, a question, or even a sigh — that signal a need for attention, affirmation, or affection. 

Couples who consistently acknowledge and engage with these bids build stronger emotional bonds. It’s a simple habit with a lasting impact.[1]

Related read: 11 Serious Red Flags in a Relationship and How to Deal With Them

2. Emotional distance and communication breakdown

Laura couldn’t shake the feeling that something invisible was pulling them further apart.

The silences that had once felt comfortable now weighed heavy in the air. Dinner conversations became a series of one-word answers. “How was your day?” she’d ask. “Fine,” he’d reply without looking up.

One night, Laura sat in bed scrolling through photos on her phone — snapshots of vacations, happy moments. She wanted to show Dan a picture of them laughing on the beach years ago, but he was already asleep, his back turned to her.

Emotional distance doesn’t arrive all at once. It seeps into the spaces left by unspoken words and unanswered bids for connection. 

Laura noticed that Dan had stopped responding to her bids, and worse, she’d stopped making them. Not wanting to face his rejection, she retreated into herself, the same way he had.

In her loneliness, Laura tried to bridge the gap once again. She asked Dan if they could set aside time to talk each night — advice she saw on Instagram — just 10 minutes before bed to share their thoughts on the day, as a way of rekindling connection. He sighed. “Do we really need to? You know how exhausted I am after working all day.”

Laura nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. She turned off the light and lay in the dark, wondering if this was a glimpse of what their future held — if Dan even saw a future for them.

Expert insight: “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.”[2]

Related read: How to Save Your Marriage: A Journey Back to Being in Love

3. Disinterest in the future

At first, she thought Dan’s lack of engagement was just a part of the daily grind — who had the energy to talk about vacations when there were bills to pay and deadlines to meet?

But as weeks turned into months, the absence of those shared dreams became glaring. She noticed that the future was no longer something they planned together. 

One evening, she brought it up. “I was thinking we could plan a weekend away. Maybe somewhere by the coast, like we used to.” Dan replied, “You know things are tight now with the mortgage on our heads. This isn’t a good time.” “When will it be ‘a good time’?” she snapped. There was no response.

But Laura was determined to reconnect with the man she considered the love of her life. The following week, she tried again. “What if we took a walk in the forest this Saturday? Just us and Nugget.” Dan hesitated. “Don’t you remember? There’s the squash tournament with the guys. Maybe Sunday.” 

“Maybe” had become his default — a placeholder for no real answer.

It wasn’t just the big things, like vacations or career goals, that felt stagnant. Even mundane decisions — like what to have for dinner — had turned into a solo effort for Laura. 

She would ask, he’d shrug, and before long, it wasn’t just their future plans he seemed to avoid.

Self-care corner: Sometimes, disinterest in the future isn’t about the marriage — it’s about your husband’s mental health. When someone is struggling with depression, their lack of interest in the future often reflects an inner battle rather than a loss of care for their partner. If you suspect depression might be affecting your partner, approach the situation with empathy, and encourage him to seek professional help.

Related read: I Think My Husband Hates Me: Let’s Get to the Bottom of This

4. Avoiding you

Laura couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment Dan started pulling away, but the pattern had become impossible to ignore.

One Saturday morning, as she set the table with the breakfast she’d prepared, Dan grabbed his gym bag instead. “I’m heading to the gym,” barely glancing her way. Laura blinked. “I thought the gym was something we did together?” she asked, struggling to keep her tone light.

Dan paused at the door, his hand on the strap of his bag. “Yeah, but you canceled a few times, so I figured you didn’t want to go anymore.” He shrugged. “Besides, I’m meeting Josh there anyway.”

As the door clicked shut behind him, Laura burst into tears, her appetite gone. What Dan said seemed reasonable — she had canceled a few times — but the way he so easily gave up on her presence, without even insisting, struck her.

Laura tried to justify it. Everyone needs space, right? But as the excuses kept piling up — too tired, too busy, other plans — it was becoming clear to her that Dan wasn’t just tired or preoccupied. He was avoiding her. 

In the evening, as she set the table for yet another dinner for one, it hit her: This month, she had eaten alone more often than she had with Dan. 

Not that eating together felt any different. It seemed like they had nothing to talk about anymore. She worried about what lurked in those silences.

Expert insight: According to Gottman Institute, scheduling weekly relationship check-ins — a “State of the Union Meeting” — can help couples stay aligned and connected. During these check-ins, focus on three key points:

  • Gratitude: Share something you appreciate about your spouse from the past week.
  • Team strengths: Acknowledge what you’re doing well together, e.g., household chores or emotional support.
  • Areas for improvement: Identify one or two specific challenges and collaborate on practical solutions.

Keeping these discussions short, positive, and solution-oriented ensures both partners feel heard and reinforces a sense of teamwork, ultimately helping you maintain a strong and loving marriage.[3]

Related read: 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore

5. Lies and secrecy

Dan’s avoidance would have been easier for Laura to excuse if it hadn’t started to look alarming.

On a Thursday evening, Dan came home late, muttering something about a business dinner. Laura didn’t press him; she knew better by then. The next day, while paying bills, she noticed a charge at an upscale restaurant on their banking app. 

“Did you enjoy the dinner?” she asked later, her voice casual, masking her unease. “It was fine. Just work stuff,” he said, brushing past her to change the subject.

That wasn’t the only moment that left her questioning. 

Sometimes, she would catch Dan scrolling through his phone, but as soon as she moved closer to sit beside him, he’d lock the screen immediately. 

“Dan, I’ve been feeling like we’re not as open with each other anymore,” she said one evening. “I notice things, like the dinner you didn’t mention, or the way you lock your phone now. Can we talk about it?”

Instead of offering reassurance, Dan gave her his signature sigh and crossed his arms. “You’re always looking for problems, Laura. Why can’t you just let things go?”

Laura wanted to let it go, to believe him. But were her feelings not valid? If he wasn’t hiding anything, why did he get so annoyed whenever she asked about it?

Trust was just slipping away, piece by piece, until she wasn’t sure there was anything left to lean on.

The lies, whether small or significant, created a fog in which Laura felt trapped. She began to question not only Dan’s actions but her own instincts. Was she imagining things? Was this her fault? It seemed Dan sure thought so . . . 

Related read: 31 Disturbing Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

6. Criticism and conflict

The erosion of trust bred resentment, turning their marriage into a battlefield, and before she knew it, criticism and conflict had begun their destructive reign.

Laura found herself snapping at Dan over things she would’ve overlooked in the past — the empty coffee cup left on the counter or his shoes discarded in the hallway. But the anger wasn’t really about those things.

Every small annoyance felt like evidence of something bigger, a reminder of how much had changed between them. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” she blurted out one evening after he forgot to pick up the groceries she’d asked for. The list of grievances seemed endless.

Dan’s response was sharp, his tone edged with contempt. “Maybe if you stopped nagging for five minutes, I’d actually want to help.”

Their arguments had become a cycle: She voiced her frustration, he snapped back defensively, and they both retreated into silence, nursing their resentment.

One night, after another argument that left Laura in tears, she tried to approach things differently. “Dan, I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I’m not upset about the groceries — I just feel like we’ve been so distant lately, and it’s been hard for me. Can we talk about it calmly?”

Dan stared at her, his expression unreadable. “It’s always about what you feel, isn’t it?” he said before walking out of the house.

Each unresolved fight added another layer to the distance between them, turning their marriage into a minefield of unresolved tension.

Laura started to set boundaries for herself, refusing to engage when the arguments became too heated. “I’ll talk about this when we’re both calm,” she said one night, retreating to the bedroom while Dan fumed in the kitchen. 

She wanted to fix things, to find a way back to the easy love they once had. But every attempt seemed to deepen the divide, as though the harder she tried, the worse the situation became. She felt utterly alone

What Laura didn’t know was that when criticism and conflict take hold, they rarely stay contained. They spread like cracks in glass, fracturing not just communication but intimacy as well.

Did you know? Gottman found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, rooted in core differences that can’t be resolved. Trying to “fix” them is a waste of energy. The key to a successful marriage isn’t avoiding fights — it’s fighting wisely. Couples who make it approach conflict with humor, acceptance, and teamwork, focusing on understanding each other instead of winning or losing.[4]

Related read: 11 Early Signs of a Controlling Man: Never Ignore These Red Flags

7. Lack of physical intimacy

As the arguments became more frequent and the silences stretched longer, Laura noticed something else — touching Dan felt like touching a stranger. 

It started gradually, like everything else. Dan stopped reaching for her hand during walks. The good-night kisses that had been a comforting ritual now felt perfunctory. 

One night, as they sat on opposite ends of the couch, she leaned toward him, resting her head on his shoulder. He shifted slightly, “It’s not comfortable,” before getting up to grab his phone.

Intimacy had always been more than physical for Laura. It was the way Dan would tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, or how he’d pull her close during a thunderstorm, even when she wasn’t scared. Now, those gestures had vanished. Had their love gone too?

When she tried to talk to him about it, 

Dan looked at her with tired eyes. “I’m just not in the mood lately,” he replied. “It’s not about you.”

But it felt like it was about her. Each rejection deepened her sense of being undesired, unloved, and invisible. 

Laura began to wonder if the distance between them was about more than stress or exhaustion. 

8. Infidelity: physical and emotional

Her fears took shape one morning when she noticed him smiling at his phone. “What’s funny?” she asked. “Just a meme from work,” he said, turning the screen away.

Her instinct was telling her that Dan was keeping something from her. One evening, she finally asked, “Dan, is there something I should know about?” He scoffed. “Like what?” She swallowed the lump in her throat, her voice barely above a whisper. “Are you cheating on me?”

Laura sat alone on the edge of their bed, the weight of everything pressing down on her. The words Dan threw at her — “You’re being paranoid” — replayed in her mind. She wanted to believe she was imagining things, but deep down, she knew better.


Your Next Steps

Laura had reached a crossroads. She could keep fighting for something that felt like it was slipping away, or she could take a step back and focus on what she truly needed — clarity, peace, and the chance to find happiness again, with or without Dan.

If you’ve found yourself in Laura’s shoes, questioning your partner’s love and wrestling with the uncertainty of your relationship, know that you’re not alone. Facing the reality of a marriage in trouble is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.

Take a moment to reflect on where you stand. Does your partner acknowledge the issues and express a willingness to work through them? Or has the emotional distance, secrecy, and conflict become a pattern they refuse to address?

  • Communicate openly. Share your concerns using “I feel” statements to avoid defensiveness. For example, “I feel disconnected and want us to work on rebuilding our closeness.”
  • Set boundaries and goals. Create clear expectations together, such as committing to weekly check-ins, date nights, or focusing on rebuilding physical intimacy.
  • Focus on trust and teamwork. Rebuild trust through small, consistent actions like transparency and mutual accountability.
  • Try couples therapy. Read 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship for ideas.
  • Protect your boundaries. Set limits on what you will tolerate. For example, “I need honesty and effort in this relationship to continue.”
  • Consider your future. Reflect on whether the relationship aligns with your values and happiness. Seek professional support to clarify your feelings and plan your next steps.
  • Rebuild your independence. Begin focusing on your emotional and financial security, and reconnect with hobbies, friends, and personal goals.

Related read: 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore

Laura’s instincts were right — Dan was cheating on her. When the truth came out, it devastated her. She felt betrayed, heartbroken, and angry, but in the aftermath, Laura found clarity.

She realized she had been living as though she were single for years, despite being in a relationship. Laura chose to leave Dan and start anew. Now, she’s focused on creating a life filled with peace and self-love.

Laura’s story may not be yours, but by learning the signs she experienced, you can evaluate your situation more clearly. Maybe Dan’s behavior has helped you see that your husband does love you and that there is hope for your marriage. Our guides to being in a relationship can help you move forward together. 

If, though, Laura’s journey looks a lot like yours, it might be time to explore the possibility that your marriage has reached its conclusion. To prepare for what’s ahead, head over to our resources for ending a relationship.

Either way, you have some work to do. Whatever you decide, remember that your next steps are about reclaiming your clarity, strength, and happiness. This is your journey — take it at your own pace.


FAQs

What is the walkaway wife syndrome?

The walkaway wife syndrome describes a situation where a wife, after feeling ignored or unfulfilled in her marriage for an extended period, decides to leave. Often, the husband only recognizes the severity of the issues when it’s too late. Communication breakdowns and unmet emotional needs are common contributing factors.

Is he pretending to love me?

If he is pretending to love you, signs may include a lack of genuine emotional connection, inconsistent actions, or avoiding meaningful discussions about the relationship. Observing his behavior over time and having open, honest conversations can help determine his true intentions. Consulting a relationship expert can provide additional insights.

Can your husband love you but not desire you?

Yes, your husband can love you but not desire you. Emotional love and physical desire are distinct. Factors like stress, health issues, or unresolved conflict can diminish desire even in a loving relationship. Open communication and, if needed, professional counseling can help address the disconnect between love and desire.


References

1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

4. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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