Before we go any further, I want to be clear: Your husband probably does not hate you.
Your marriage — or your husband — is going through a turbulent time. First, you need to understand why you think your husband hates you, then you can figure out if he even does.
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways:
- In marriages between busy people, things like unresolved issues and external influences can look like unmet expectations and growing apart.
- Priorities like emotional intimacy and love languages can get lost in the shuffle.
- It’s unlikely your husband hates you, but he and your relationship might need more attention.
Reevaluating your priorities and setting goals to improve your marriage can help you resolve the feeling that your husband hates you.
1. Feeling unappreciated makes you question everything.
Feeling appreciated by your partner might not be about your partner at all.
It certainly could be about that, but the reality is probably a mixture of your partner’s actions and your own perceptions of how or what your partner appreciates.[1]
A lady I know once planned a weekend getaway to reignite connection with her husband. She booked the hotel, arranged childcare, and even mapped out activities they’d enjoy. But when she told her husband, his response was a flat, “Do we really have to?” She was crushed.
A big mistake we make when trying to do nice things is that we do the wrong nice things.
It’s hard to appreciate something someone does for us when we didn’t want it in the first place, especially if we’re stressed out. It’s like we’ve got blinders on.
Instead of assuming what he needs, ask him instead. He’ll appreciate you asking and be more likely to notice when you deliver.
Explore his love languages. There are many different ways to say “I love you.” Learn to express your love in a way that matches his needs.
Expert insight: Results from Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn ‘s National Survey of Women show that a shocking 82% of married women admitted to questioning their husband’s affection.[2]
2. Unmet expectations are muddying the waters.
What we should expect from our marriages and what we actually expect don’t always align.
Whatever it is you’re expecting from him that you’re not receiving, whether it’s unwaning passion or choosing your side in every battle with your mother-in-law, sometimes our expectations are unrealistic and impossible to meet.
Then again, realistic expectations look like respect, admiration, affection — you know, the normal stuff — and sometimes those aren’t met either.
Learn more about relationship expectations and how to manage them. If your expectations are unrealistic or too high, adjust them. But don’t settle for less than you deserve.
Maintaining healthy expectations is all about communication and flexibility, but it’s important that you have a working knowledge of your and your partner’s relationship rights and responsibilities as well.
Expert insight: Research shows that not only do “unrealistic and idealistic expectations lower relationship satisfaction . . . the higher the expectations the steeper the declines in the relationship satisfaction over time.”[3]
3. Stress is getting in the way of love.
Stress is an insidious beast that can start in one place and take a path of destruction you never even imagined.
A friend’s husband came home, slammed his briefcase on the table, and snapped, “Do you ever clean this place?” She was heartbroken. What she didn’t know was that he had been reprimanded at work for something he didn’t do. His outburst wasn’t about her — it was misplaced frustration.
If this rings true for you, there are a few things you can try in this scenario:
- Let him know that you empathize with his stress and ask that he do the same for you.
- Learn how to balance relationship and work and share your strategy with him.
- If stress at home is contributing to conflict, suggest dividing up household duties according to which chores are the least annoying for both of you — this has worked wonders in my relationship.
- If getting your partner to open up is a challenge, our article about emotionally unavailability may help you pry those feelings out of him.
Expert insight: Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology explains that “spouses under stress may come to perceive their partner’s actions in an exceedingly negative light, which, in turn, leads to decreased confidence about the long-term stability of their union.”[4]
4. Emotional intimacy is hiding behind layers of tension.
Arguing sucks, but it’s the silence that will get you.
At times like this, you might feel like you’re all alone in the world. He used to kiss you goodbye every morning. Now, he walks out the door without a second glance. You used to talk late into the night; now, you’re lucky if he gives you more than a grunt when you ask how his day was. The silence is deafening.
A man once confided in me, “I don’t know how to give her what she needs. So I just don’t try anymore. It’s easier to stay quiet than to risk doing it wrong.”
It takes a lot longer to build emotional intimacy than it does to squander it. To rebuild it, start small:
- Show you appreciate him, even the little things he does, even if it feels awkward or forced.
- Be mindful of your interactions: Offer a compliment, linger in a touch, share a laugh.
- Instead of asking him outright about his day, practice active listening when he does speak with follow-up questions.
- When push comes to shove (metaphorically of course), remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Expert insight: Psychologist Dr. George Kriegman explains that emotional distance can create a vicious cycle of increasing detachment and emotional pain. He writes, “The greater the demands for love, the greater the detachment, and the greater the detachment, the more rejected the other person feels.”[5]
5. You’re both growing but away from each other.
The most dangerous assumption in any relationship? Believing distance means destruction.
Sometimes, personal growth happens at different speeds. Your 50-hour workweeks, his growing leadership responsibilities, and maintaining your separate hobbies and friendships have created parallel lives under the same roof.
What feels like rejection is actually relationship boredom resulting from two individuals navigating complex personal schedules.
- Spend six hours of quality time together each week. This expert-driven method is proven to help couples connect.[6]
- Schedule weekly 90-minute phone breaks during which neither of you can look at your phone.
- Ask each other questions that spark deep conversations.
Mental health check: Did you know that engaging in regular leisure activities results in better physical and psychological health? Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh report that metrics like blood pressure, depression, overall life satisfaction, sleep quality, and more all correlated with higher scores in the Pittsburgh Enjoyable Activities Test.[7]
6. Unresolved past issues have built a wall between you.
The problem isn’t the argument you just had — it’s the ones that never really ended.
What starts as a small disagreement over finances or chores quickly spirals into a rehash of past mistakes. Old hurts resurface, creating emotional distance and breeding resentment. These unaddressed wounds can poison even the happiest moments.
Do any of these issues ring true for you?
- Forgotten anniversaries
- Money conflicts
- Unequal chores
- Past betrayals
- Unspoken grudges
- Jealousy or insecurity
- Unprocessed grief
- Parenting mistakes
My advice? Face the ghosts. Break the cycle with honesty and forgiveness:
- Choose a calm moment to talk. Read our list of tough relationship questions for a clue on what to ask.
- Use “I feel” statements to express your hurt without assigning blame.
- Apologize for your mistakes and acknowledge the effect your behavior had.
- Ask him to do the same.
- Consider couples therapy. Start by trying some simple couples therapy exercises at home.
7. External influences play a bigger role than they should.
What if I told you your marriage was competing with . . . Instagram?
Your marriage might be competing with social media’s endless scroll of perfect lives as well as his friends who mock commitment and your in-laws, who constantly make you feel small with their subtle jabs. These relationship interlopers erect a wedge between you and your spouse.
Don’t let them:
- Set clear and healthy boundaries with friends and family.
- Focus on building a strong relationship invulnerable to these elements.
Did you know? A study in Computers in Human Behavior found that social media use is linked to lower marriage quality. It predicts that non-users are 11% happier in their marriages than regular users![8]
8. You’re speaking different love languages.
There’s no single, universal definition for love’s most perfect gesture.
Your husband fixes the leaky faucet and considers it a grand gesture of love. Meanwhile, you’re silently wishing he’d just give you a killer back rub or tell you that you look beautiful. It’s as if the two of you are speaking entirely different languages.
You are speaking different languages — love languages, that is.
Learning each other’s love languages can transform your relationship. Here’s a quick guide to the five most common love languages and how to speak them:
- Words of affirmation: If he lights up at compliments, this is his love language. Tell him, “I love how you always have my back,” or leave a sweet note in his bag.
- Acts of service: If he shows love through actions (like fixing that faucet), speak his language by doing something helpful, like running an errand or taking over a chore he dislikes.
- Receiving gifts: A thoughtful gift speaks volumes. Surprise him with something meaningful, like his favorite snack or a gadget he’s been eyeing.
- Quality time: If he wants your undivided attention, make time for just the two of you. Go for a walk or have a no-phone dinner to connect.
- Physical touch: If he feels most loved through touch, give him a hug, hold his hand, or snuggle up while watching TV.
Expert insight: According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, “People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”[9]
9. One or both of you is struggling with your mental health.
Think your husband’s mood swings are about you? Think again.
Your husband might seem irritable, distant, or even cold because he’s fighting internal battles he doesn’t know how to articulate.
A close relative of mine spent years thinking her husband was cold and detached until she walked in on him crying in their bathroom. He finally admitted he’d been struggling with depression for months, ashamed to talk about it.
You’ve got this. Women are actually better than men at supporting a partner who is struggling with mental health.[10] Here’s how they do it:
- Recognize the signs of mental health struggles. Mood swings, irritability, or emotional distance might not be about you.
- Be a safe space. For example, if your husband’s depression means he’s doing less housework, don’t criticize him. A messy house never killed anyone. And for the love of God, don’t tell him to “just choose happiness.”
- Encourage professional help. Gently suggest talking to a therapist or counselor. If he refuses, learn how to help at home.
Did you know? “Mental health among men often goes untreated because they are far less likely to seek mental health treatment than women.”[11]
Your Next Steps
You’re navigating complex emotions and challenges in your marriage, but it’s unlikely he hates you. Here’s a step-by-step approach to better understand what’s happening and take meaningful action:
- Figure him out. Read Why Do Men Pull Away? to understand the possible reasons behind his emotional or physical distance.
- Stop overthinking. Overthinking can magnify your concerns. Read How to Stop Overthinking Everything to help manage anxiety and gain clarity as you work through your challenges.
- Reconnect. Try couples therapy exercises to help you reconnect. These practical exercises are designed to help you open up, communicate better, and start rebuilding trust and emotional closeness.
- Take action. Discover tools to save your marriage.
- Know when to fold ‘em. If the relationship feels toxic or beyond repair, it may be time to explore your options. Staying in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is much worse than being on your own.
Your husband probably doesn’t hate you. While it may feel like love has been replaced by resentment, relationships are rarely defined by a single emotion.
If you need more help decoding your marriage, our guides to being in a relationship can help.
FAQs
How can you tell if your husband doesn’t like you?
If your husband doesn’t like you, you might notice a lack of communication. He may stop asking about your day or showing interest in your life. You might find he’s emotionally unavailable, avoiding conversations and not listening to you.
What is emotional abandonment in marriage?
Emotional abandonment in marriage occurs when one or both partners withdraw emotionally to avoid conflict or convey disapproval. This can make the other partner feel unsupported, lonely, and rejected. It is often difficult for a marriage to recover from emotional abandonment, so seeking the help of a couples therapist is in your best interest.
How do you deal with a spouse you hate?
You can deal with a spouse you hate by practicing empathy and trying to understand their perspective and feelings. Setting boundaries for yourself is crucial; you don’t want to risk mistakes you can’t undo. Seek the help of a therapist or couples counselor, either on your own or with your partner, if you wish to save the marriage.
How do you survive an unloving marriage?
You survive an unloving marriage by focusing on your well-being and finding ways to cope. Create a life for yourself by engaging in activities and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment. By focusing on your own growth and self-determination, you can emotionally detach from the relationship and move on with grace and dignity.
References
1. Gordon, A. M., & Diamond, E. (2023). Feeling understood and appreciated in relationships: Where do these perceptions come from and why do they matter? Current Opinion in Psychology, 101687. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101687
2. Huckabee, T. (2018, June 27). 6 surprising stats that show how differently men and women feel about relationships. Relevant.
https://relevantmagazine.com/life5/career-money/6-surprising-stats-that-show-how-differently-men-and-women-feel-about-relationships/
3. Render, D. (2017). The prince charming effect: An analysis of the effect unrealistic portrayals of men have on relationship satisfaction within romantic relationships. Mercer University Research, Scholarship, and Archives. https://ursa.mercer.edu/handle/10898/3710
4. Barton, A. W., Bryant, C. M. (2016). Financial strain, trajectories of marital processes, and African American newlyweds’ marital instability. Journal of Family Psychology. 30(6), 657–64. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000190
5. Kriegman, G. (1966). A systematic approach to the evaluation and treatment of marital problems. MCV/Q, Medical College of Virginia Quarterly, 1(4), 36–44.
https://scholarscompass.vcu.edu/mcvq/vol1/iss4/8/
6. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
Crown Publishers.
7. Pressman, S. D., Matthews, K. A., Cohen, S., Martire, L. M., Scheier, M., Baum, A., & Schulz, R. (2009). Association of enjoyable leisure activities with psychological and physical well-being. Psychosomatic Medicine, 71(7), 725–732.
https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181ad7978
8. Valenzuela, S., Halpern, D., and Katz, J. (2014). Social network sites, marriage well-being and divorce: Survey and state-level evidence from the United States. Computers in Human Behavior, 26, 94–101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.03.034
9. Chapman, G. (2024). The five love languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.
10. Love and mental illness. (n. d.). PsychGuides.com.
https://www.psychguides.com/interact/love-and-mental-illness/
11. Chatmon, B. N. (2020). Males and mental health stigma. American Journal of Men’s Health, 14(4). https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988320949322
