Being in a Relationship

9 Signs She’s Cheating & Why You Can’t Afford to Ignore Them

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

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Alex stared at a receipt that had slipped from Kat’s jacket. Three hundred dollars at a store across town — not her usual spot. The past few weeks replayed like a movie: hushed phone calls, sudden work emergencies, and the way Kat guarded her phone like it held state secrets.

Five years together, and Kat had never been the type to keep secrets. But lately, she felt like a stranger wearing a familiar face.

Table of Contents

In a few short weeks, everything would become crystal clear.


Behavioral and Attitudinal Changes

Some signs were so obvious they stung Alex’s eyes. Kat stood outside in the cold, talking on the phone without her jacket. She’d said she was just taking out the garbage. Since when did she take out the garbage anyway?

Indifference or Emotional Withdrawal

Their Sunday morning coffee ritual had been sacred. Now Kat’s mug sat cold and untouched while she “caught up on work.” When Alex suggested making their annual beach trip something special this year, mentioning how meaningful it could be for the upcoming milestone birthday, “Let’s talk about it later,” she’d said, as if five years of tradition — and turning 40 — meant nothing.

Indifference like this, when a partner starts withdrawing from shared activities or emotional moments, can signal deeper relationship issues. This emotional distance leaves questions lingering. Is it stress? A distraction? Or could it mean her attention lies elsewhere?

While emotional withdrawal can be interpreted in many ways, this relationship litmus test usually paints a clearer picture.

Disinterest in Physical Intimacy

The morning hugs disappeared first. Kat, who once begged for “five more minutes” of cuddles, now jumped out of bed as soon as her alarm rang. 

In the evening, she seemed to time her bedtime routine perfectly to avoid any chance of closeness, leaving their once-passionate relationship feeling distant. “Just tired from work,” she’d say, rolling away to her side of the bed, the same side that now held her constantly buzzing phone.

While a drop in physical intimacy could signal stress, health issues, or personal struggles, it might also stem from relationship trouble. But combined with other signs, it raises questions that can’t be ignored.

All of this, while suspicious, could be explained by her work — she was facing the end of the fiscal year, an undeniably busy time each year.

Did you know? How we communicate about sex can be an early warning sign of deeper issues. After factoring in how happy couples were overall, a study showed that women who ended up cheating felt less comfortable talking about sex beforehand — while men felt more comfortable.[1]

But what gnawed at Alex was how, despite her supposed exhaustion, Kat somehow found the time and energy for things she’d never paid much attention to before.

Sudden Focus on Appearance

Kat’s style had always been effortlessly casual — worn jeans, oversized sweaters, and long, natural hair often gathered in a messy bun. That’s why Alex froze the moment Kat walked in with a shoulder-length bob of blonde highlights. 

It wasn’t just the drastic change — it was the way Kat seemed to radiate confidence, paired with a sleek dress Alex had never seen before. Kat shrugged it off, saying she just “needed to redefine herself,” but Alex couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more. 

While a shift in appearance can signify personal growth or a desire for change, it can also hint at deeper motivations when paired with other signs. For Alex, it wasn’t just about the haircut — it was the question of who Kat was redefining herself for.

Maybe they could talk about it, if talking was still something they did.


Changes in Communication

“Truth Spills, Drama Chills,” they used to joke. But where was that fearless communication now? Sure, people change, but isn’t this one of the shared values that hold a couple together? The whole secrecy and distance were starting to get on Alex’s nerves.

Technology and Communication Habits

The deleted message changed everything. Late one night, a notification popped up from Kat, then vanished seconds later before Alex could read it. She’d never deleted messages before — always just laughed off misdirected texts with a simple “oops, not for you.”

That’s when Alex noticed other changes too. She disabled on-screen notifications and stepped away to take calls. Her screen would go dark the moment Alex entered the room. Most telling? The new password on her phone — after five years of knowing each other’s codes.

When confronted about these changes, Kat brushed them off as “privacy.” But sudden phone secrecy often signals deeper issues. While it could be innocent, research shows that dramatic shifts in digital privacy habits are one of the most common signs of infidelity.[2]

But it wasn’t just what Kat was hiding — it was how she acted when questioned about it.

Related read: 11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Do Not Want to Ignore

Decreased Openness or Engagement

“We need to talk about us.” Five words that used to lead to hours of honest conversation. 

Now they triggered an arsenal of evasion tactics from Kat: sudden headaches, urgent work emails, or conversations that somehow ended up being about Alex’s “trust issues.”

Each attempt at discussion followed the same script. Kat would fidget, check her phone, remember somewhere else she needed to be. When pressed, her excuses became more elaborate, less believable. A bad liar since day one, her attempts at deflection had once been endearing. Now they felt like warning bells.

But Kat’s strange behavior wasn’t limited to what she wouldn’t say — when Kat did talk, her stories didn’t quite add up.

Related read: How Commitment Issues Play Out: Can You Tackle Them?

Overcompensating in Conversations

“The department meeting ran late, so I grabbed coffee with Sarah from Accounting — you remember Sarah, right? The one with the golden retriever? Anyway, she was telling me about this new café on Oak Street, next to that boutique that closed last summer. Their lattes are amazing, they use this special Brazilian blend . . .”

Alex noticed the pattern. When Kat wasn’t deflecting, she was drowning simple questions in oceans of detail. Each story came with unnecessary specifics, as if building an airtight alibi. The old Kat would have just said “got coffee after work.”

These overly detailed explanations often mask an attempt to make lies more believable. But combined with the secrecy and withdrawal, they painted a picture Alex didn’t want to see.

Did you know? Overexplaining when lying often stems from the increased cognitive load required to fabricate and maintain a falsehood. Lying demands that individuals simultaneously manage the truth, construct the lie, and monitor the listener’s perception, leading to more detailed explanations as a means of covering all bases.[3]

Then came the inevitable consequence of lack of transparency.


Conflict and Dissatisfaction

This wasn’t how Alex had imagined stepping into the next decade of life. Instead of planning celebrations, Alex watched the relationship they’d built with Kat over the years crumble in glimpses of strange behavior and mounting tension.

Increased Avoidance

The questions became a dance of deflection. “Where were you?” would turn into “Why don’t you trust me?” Simple curiosities met with complex evasions.

When Alex pointed out how Kat missed their weekly movie night, she breezily responded “Speaking of movies, did you hear about that new Marvel thing?” The same Kat who once shared every detail of her day now redirected questions with the skill of Dom Toretto drifting through Tokyo streets. Even plans for the upcoming birthday were met with vague “we’ll see.”

While avoiding questions could mean someone needs space, persistent deflection often masks deeper issues. When combined with other signs, it usually means there’s something she doesn’t want you to discover.

The avoidance was bad enough, but the anger that followed was worse.

Related read: How to Stop Overthinking Everything: 7 Tips for Finding Peace in Your Relationship

Unexplained Anger or Irritability

“Why are you questioning me so much?” Kat snapped, her voice sharp with unexpected anger. “Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”

The pattern was always the same. Simple questions sparked defensive explosions. “You need to work on your trust issues,” she’d say, or “I can’t deal with your insecurities right now.” Each accusation turned Alex’s concerns back on them, making them question their own judgment.

While stress can cause irritability, this kind of defensive anger — especially when paired with blame-shifting — often masks guilt about something deeper.

But it was her sudden new “hobby” that tipped suspicion over the edge.

Time Spent Away and New Interests

Alex noticed the shift one evening when Kat grabbed her gym bag. Dance classes, she’d said.

She kept finding reasons to be away, each excuse draped in talk of self-discovery and personal growth. But this sudden need for a weekly dance session felt off, especially since Kat had always preferred quiet evenings at home.

While exploring new interests can be healthy, abrupt lifestyle changes like this often signal someone pulling away

As the milestone birthday approached, was Alex going to celebrate by packing bags and moving out?


Decoding the Signs

“Today is the day,” Alex thought. “Today, I tell her it’s over. I’m 40, and I can’t live like this anymore. This is not what I signed up for.”

With that resolve, Alex marched into the kitchen, ready to say the words that had been simmering for weeks. But the sight inside was . . . unexpected.

Kat stood at the stove, flipping pancakes, wearing a flowy summer floral dress — in the middle of February. On the kitchen table sat a bottle of champagne, and a glossy brochure for a luxury hotel in the Bahamas. Beside it lay two plane tickets.

“Happy 40th birthday!” Kat exclaimed, turning with a bright smile.

Before Alex could respond, Kat grabbed her phone and opened a FaceTime call. On the screen were their friends and family, waiting at the airport with luggage and party hats. “Happy birthday!” they screamed. “We’re waiting for you — hurry up!”

The late nights, the secrecy — it all clicked. Everything had been leading to this moment.

It’s easy to jump to conclusions when faced with mounting tension, and sudden changes in a partner’s behavior. But relationships are rarely black and white, and it’s important to remember that one or two signs don’t necessarily mean infidelity. People can act out of character for many reasons — stress, personal growth, or even planning a big surprise.

In the taxi, Kat squeezed Alex’s hand. “I’m sorry for being distant. I wanted the surprise to be perfect, but I hate lying — it was hard to keep this from you.” Alex nodded, laughing softly. “What about the hair? And the dance classes?” Kat grinned. “The hair? I needed a change. The dance classes? That’s a gift . . . but you’ll find out tonight.”

Did you know? When we feel like we’ve lost control, our brains go into overdrive trying to make sense of randomness. This can lead to spotting patterns that don’t actually exist — like seeing faces in clouds or connecting unrelated events to fuel suspicions of infidelity. It’s our brain’s way of regaining a sense of order, but it can sometimes cause us to jump to the wrong conclusions.[4]


Your Next Steps: What to Do When Your Girlfriend Is Cheating

As much as I want to believe in fairy tales, life is rarely so kind. Most stories like this don’t end with surprise trips or playful misunderstandings. Let’s rewind. 

This time, Alex confronted Kat, and the truth unraveled: late nights weren’t about work, secrets weren’t harmless, and five years of trust collapsed in a single conversation.

Alex couldn’t tell which would hurt more — staying or walking away. Both instincts felt overwhelming. But sometimes, a pause can be the best answer.

After some time in the countryside — away from the chaos — Alex began to map out the path forward. Here’s how to handle a similar situation:

When betrayal strikes, the instinct might be to scream or stay silent. But a productive conversation can provide clarity. Here’s how to initiate it:

Open Communication Strategies

  • Prepare emotionally. Take some time, as much as you need, to collect your thoughts before addressing the issue.
  • Set boundaries for the discussion. For example, agree to focus on understanding rather than assigning blame.
  • Ask the hard questions calmly: For example, “What led to this?” or “What’s missing in our relationship?”
  • Be clear about your needs: State whether you’re seeking closure, reconciliation, or honesty.

If you’re uncertain about how to approach this, resources like our article How to Fix a Relationship, Rebuild Trust, and Write a New Love Story offer helpful tools for these tough conversations.

See our guides to being in a relationship for additional resources.

Seeking Professional Help

  • Couples therapy. Useful for deciding whether to rebuild or part ways with dignity.
  • Individual therapy: Helps you process emotions and regain your sense of self-worth.
  • When to seek help. If communication is breaking down or emotions feel overwhelming, it’s time to involve a professional.

Check out How to Avoid Divorce and Save Your Marriage

Build Emotional Resilience

  • Stick to a routine. Prioritize healthy meals, physical activity, and enough rest.
  • Engage in grounding activities. Journaling, long walks, or creative outlets can help process emotions.
  • Lean on your support system: Talk to trusted friends or family members.
  • Limit contact with your partner (if needed): Time apart may give you clarity.

For more guidance on healing, consider How to Get Over Someone Cheating on You: A Step-by-Step Guide or Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On.

After two weeks of long walks and reflection, Alex found clarity: the path forward wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. 

Whether you choose to rebuild the relationship or move on, remember that healing takes time. Progress isn’t linear, but with each step, you’ll rediscover your strength.

Related reads for closure:

Our guides to ending a relationship, if that’s what’s next on your journey, can help you do so with dignity and grace.


FAQs

How does a man act if he has cheated?

A man who has cheated may act distant, defensive, or secretive. Signs of infidelity include avoiding questions, changing routines, or hiding his phone. While these behaviors may raise suspicion, they are not definitive proof and require open communication to address.

Do cheaters admit to cheating?

Cheaters rarely admit to cheating, especially if they exhibit narcissistic tendencies. They may deny it to avoid accountability or shift blame onto their partner. Confessions are often made only when faced with undeniable evidence.

What is the first stage of cheating?

The first stage of cheating often involves crossing emotional or physical boundaries, such as inappropriate flirting or secretive behavior. It starts with small actions that are rationalized as harmless but can escalate if not addressed early.


References

1. Scott, S. B., Parsons, A., Post, K. M., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Rhoades, G. K. (2017). Changes in the sexual relationship and relationship adjustment precede extradyadic sexual involvement. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 395–406.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0797-0

2. Jain, G., & Sen, S. (2018). Adultery in the age of technology: Complexities and methodological challenges in studying internet infidelity. In S. P. Sahni & G. Jain (Eds.), Internet infidelity: An interdisciplinary insight in a global context (pp. 31–43). Springer.
https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-10-5412-9_3

3. Gamer, M., & Suchotzki, K. (2018). Lying and psychology. In J. Meibauer (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of lying. Oxford University Press.
https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780198736578.013.34

4. Whitson, J. A., & Galinsky, A. D. (2008). Lacking control increases illusory pattern perception. Science, 322(5898), 115–117.
https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1159845


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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