“You should never get back with your ex” — yeah, right. Life has more nuance than oversimplified internet advice suggests.
After experiencing both sides — one successful reunion and one complete mess — I’ve learned what can make or break a second chance, and I’m ready to share the real talk.
1. Take time for emotional recovery.
Ever wonder why most people who get back together end up breaking up again? There’s a crucial step they’re missing.
Table of Contents
I couldn’t stop myself. Every night, I’d stare at his profile picture and craft the perfect message. “Hey, just saw this funny meme and thought of you.” Each message met with a shorter reply, until finally — nothing but blue ticks.
Guess which reunion this was? The failed one. Why? Because successful reconnections require a real breather first.
Here’s what I did differently the second time:
- Go “no contact.” I went completely no contact for an entire seven months. To make it easier, I blocked him everywhere (LinkedIn too!) and had an accountability partner to give my phone to during weak moments. I even created a list of distractions for when I felt like contacting him.
- Journal your heart out. I grabbed a cute journal (but you can grab an ugly one if that makes you feel better) and poured my thoughts on paper. I wrote down the real reasons our relationship ended. No filters. More tips here: Journaling for Healing
Did you know? Breakups flood your body with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, throwing your decision-making into chaos. This hormonal Molotov cocktail clouds your judgment and triggers that impulsive 3 a.m. “I miss you” text. Time out lets these hormones fade naturally, helping your brain reset and think clearly about what you truly want.[1]
2. Decide if it’s truly what you want.
Most people want to get back with their ex for all the wrong reasons. Here’s how to know if you’re different.
With my failed reunion, I was obsessed with getting him back. Every night, I’d re-read our chats and cling to any sign that maybe he missed me too. I was so laser-focused on winning him back that I forgot to ask myself why (do I even need to add that it ruined me emotionally and cost me years in therapy?).
So, don’t waste your emotional energy (or your therapist’s time). Do this instead:
- Figure out the “why.” I forced myself to stop and reflect. I asked myself these questions and waited until I had clear, solid reasons beyond just missing him.
- Why did we break up in the first place?
- Did he actually bring out the best in me or did my worst qualities come out?
- Why do I want this specific person back?
Missing someone is normal, but let’s not confuse comfort with compatibility.
Did you know? Studies of on-again, off-again relationships found that people often reconcile with ex-partners due to the ease and comfort of slipping back into familiar patterns, despite past issues remaining unresolved.[2]
3. Demonstrate real growth.
Words mean nothing. Here’s what actually convinces an ex you’ve changed.
“I’ve changed, I promise!” Yeah, I said that too. Sent those long emotional texts explaining how different I was, how much I’d “grown.” Even read self-help books. But talking about change isn’t changing.
Don’t be me; if you’re serious about getting your ex back, level up, for real.
- Actions > Words. Were you bad at communicating? Have you learned to speak up instead of sulking? Struggled with trust? Prove you’ve addressed that. Actions speak louder than words, so let him see the changes, not just hear about them.
4. Reconnect through shared memories.
The secret to instant reconnection isn’t in your future — it’s in your past.
Watching my friends try to reconnect with their exes is like watching a bad rom-com on repeat. They post thirst traps or try to make them jealous with staged photos. But that’s not how I got my ex back — I used our shared memories (the cringier the better).
Nostalgia makes people feel warm and fuzzy. It’s not about trapping him in the past but using those positive memories to create a safe and inviting vibe for conversation. Try this:
- Casual memory drop. Slip something casual into conversation like, “I walked by [that café where we had the worst service but the best laughs] and couldn’t stop smiling.” Keep it light and let the memory do the heavy lifting.
Did you know? Humor is a shortcut to emotional closeness. Studies show couples who share positive, inclusive laughter report deeper trust and intimacy in their relationships.[3]
5. Focus on friendship first.
Studies reveal the one label that predicts relationship success better than “twin flames.”
A whopping 44% of relationship satisfaction comes from being actual friends with your person.[4]
Looking back at my two attempts at rekindling love, the difference hits me like a brick. With the failed reunion, we had jumped straight from strangers to dating. We were never really friends. So, when things got rocky, there was no foundation to fall back on.
But with the successful reunion, we were friends before we first dated. Real friends. And that friendship survived our breakup. And when we eventually reconnected, it wasn’t about rekindling romance — it was about missing a friend. That made all the difference.
So, before you go full reunion mode, slow your roll, and invest in (re)building your friendship first. I wrote a whole article about this, so please read it if you’re serious about getting back together: 8 Tips for (Actually) Being Friends With Your Ex.
6. Plan a low-stakes meetup.
When meeting your ex, the last place you want to be is somewhere special. Why? Because it’s too much pressure, that’s why.
Which scenario makes you less nervous — sitting at a fancy restaurant where every clink of silverware feels deafening, or walking through a park with coffee in hand? The first one has “awkward silence” written all over it. The second? Room to breathe.
- Take things offline but keep it casual. Once the vibe between you feels easy and natural again, it’s time to plan a low-stakes meetup. Think coffee, a walk in the park, or something super chill. My ex used to join my dog walks — that’s how we naturally found our way back together.
Did you know? Studies confirm that casual interactions help reduce pressure and anxiety, leading to better rapport and positive impressions. When there’s less pressure to “make it work,” people naturally feel more comfortable being themselves.[5]
7. Establish boundaries early.
The invisible line between rekindling love and repeating history lies in one crucial conversation (and no, it’s not “what are we?”).
My bestie and her ex were like that couple in every rom-com who gets back together with a passionate kiss in the rain. Cute, right? Except nobody shows you the scene three months later when they’re fighting about the same stuff that broke them up the first time.
If things start looking promising, pump those brakes and set some boundaries, please.
- Be up front about what you need. Whether it’s better communication, respect for alone time, or clarity on how conflicts will be handled, ask for what you need to feel happy. Say, “I think it’s important we talk about how we’ll handle conflict this time. I expect you to speak up about your discomfort.” Clear expectations, no guessing games.
Self-care corner: Feeling anger and resentment? It’s often a sign of a lack of boundaries — and that’s not your fault. As women, we’ve been conditioned to suppress our anger in the name of being “nice.” But anger isn’t your enemy. It’s your inner compass, signaling when something is unfair or not right for you. Ignoring it means ignoring yourselfIf this resonates, I highly recommend The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner — it was life-changing for me.
8. Communicate your intentions.
Your masterful hint-dropping plan has one fatal flaw — and you know it.
There I was, posting strategic Instagram stories, leaving breadcrumb trails of interest worthy of Hansel and Gretel. “Having coffee at our spot” (wink, wink). “Listening to that song” (nudge, nudge). Then spending hours decoding his view timestamps Da Vinci Code style.
Meanwhile, what could’ve been solved with one honest sentence turned into a month-long saga of emotional charades. Lesson learned: transparency is king.
- Stop the hint dropping. Open, honest communication saves everyone time — clear words, no Easter egg hunts. Simply say, “I’ve been reflecting on us, and I think we could build something even stronger if we’re both willing to put in the effort. What do you think?” Then listen. Really listen.
Did you know? Studies found that we often underestimate how positively honesty is received. Many of us avoid being direct because we’re convinced it’ll lead to awkwardness or hurt feelings. But speaking up might actually strengthen your connections more than you think.[6]
9. Address unresolved issues together.
If you’re planning to sweep old problems under the rug, let me save you some time — it’s not going to work.
My ex and I had more unresolved issues than I care to admit — grudges, miscommunications, and unmet expectations that piled up like laundry we didn’t want to deal with. In the first season of our relationship, we danced around them, hoping they’d magically disappear. Guess what? They didn’t.
So, in the second one, I was committed (we both were) to doing things differently.
- Make a list. We stopped ignoring the hurt and addressed it head-on. We created a list of what needed to change and committed to fixing each issue one step at a time. It allowed us to rebuild a healthier and stronger relationship from the ground up. In that sense, sometimes a break(up) may be good for a relationship.
Approach these conversations with a mix of humility (own your part) and a collaborative mindset. If you want more ideas, read 19 Effective Couples Therapy Exercises to Strengthen Your Relationship.
Expert insight: Have you heard of conscious coupling? It’s the opposite of the “drift and hope” approach most couples take. Be mindful and intentional. The Gottman Institute suggests weekly check-ins, six hours of quality time, and approaching conflicts gently using “I” statements. Why not give it a try? I did, and it made all the difference.
Your Next Steps
- Take time to heal. Go no contact for a while. Block, mute, or hand your phone to a friend if you need to. Use the time to journal, reflect, and let those breakup hormones settle. Read these:
- Understand each other’s intentions and expectations. Before jumping back in, understand your motives and ask about his expectations. Talk openly and listen attentively. Read these:
- Work on your issues. Saying “I’ve changed” won’t cut it. Take real steps to fix past problems like trust or communication. Read these next:
- Start as friends. Start small. Be his friend again first — no pressure, just connection. A strong friendship lays the foundation for something stronger and healthier this time.
But also:
- Set a personal deadline. Avoid indefinite waiting — give yourself a realistic time frame to evaluate progress.
- Gauge his effort. Look for signs of mutual effort. A relationship takes two. If he’s unresponsive or dismissive, take it as a red flag.
- Listen to actions, not words. Look for consistency. Mixed signals often mean he’s unsure, which can leave you stuck.
- Prioritize your happiness. If waiting for him brings more stress than joy, it may be time to move on.
Conclusion
I truly wish you the best as you navigate this decision. Just make sure to pause and understand your “why.”
And remember, it takes two. Both of you need to put in the effort to make it work. More than anything, I wish for your happiness, so be sure that getting back together is something that will genuinely bring you joy. 💛
For more help with being in a relationship, follow the link.
FAQs
Can I fix my relationship with my ex?
Fixing a relationship with an ex is possible but requires mutual effort, open communication, and a willingness to address past issues. Rebuilding trust is essential, alongside setting healthy boundaries. Without addressing these aspects, reconciliation may lead to repeating the same patterns.
Is it ok to stay friends with an ex?
Staying friends with an ex depends on the emotional dynamics between both parties. If both of you have moved on and can maintain clear boundaries, it can be healthy. However, lingering feelings or unresolved conflicts may complicate the friendship.
How do you reconnect after a breakup?
To reconnect after a breakup, start by initiating open and honest communication. Acknowledge past mistakes and discuss whether both parties are ready to rebuild trust. Taking things slowly and setting boundaries can help avoid repeating old issues.
References
1. McEwen, B. S., & Gianaros, P. J. (2011). Stress- and allostasis-induced brain plasticity. Annual Review of Medicine, 62, 431–445.
https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-med-052209-100430
2. Dailey, R. M., McCracken, A. A., Jin, B., & Rossetto, K. R. (2013). Negotiating breakups and renewals: Types of on-again/off-again dating relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 77(4), 382–410.
https://doi.org/10.1080/10570314.2013.775325
3. Hall, J. A. (2017). Humor in romantic relationships: A meta‐analysis. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 306–322.
https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12183
4. Graham, J. M. (2011). Measuring love in romantic relationships: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28(6), 748–771.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510389126
5. McFarland, D. A., Jurafsky, D., & Rawlings, C. (2013). Making the connection: Social bonding in courtship situations. American Journal of Sociology, 118(6), 1596–1649.
https://doi.org/10.1086/670240
6. Levine, E. E., & Cohen, T. R. (2018). You can handle the truth: Mispredicting the consequences of honest communication. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(9), 1400–1429.
https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000488
