Is It Love or Corporate Trauma Bonding? 7 Ways to Tell

There’s something about fluorescent lighting and shared work enemies that hits different. During my 7+ years as a certified office girlie, I developed more crushes than in all of high school (blame it on the Keurig machine tension).

After years of highly scientific research (read: overthinking every Slack reaction while pretending to update spreadsheets), I present to you: the definitive guide to decoding whether that workplace connection is actual attraction or just shared desperation to escape another awkward office pizza party.

Table of Contents

1. Workplace gravity: suddenly he’s everywhere

At first, I thought the poor guy was just directionally challenged, but then I started noticing a pattern.

Somehow, our dear Tom from IT was everywhere I was. Need something printed? Tom’s there. Kitchen run? Tom’s refilling his water bottle. Standing desk area? Oh look, Tom suddenly needs to stretch his legs. Come on, nobody needs this many printer runs, especially someone who fixes computers for a living.

But then my office bestie stepped in with a hot take — what if I’m the one orbiting him? Maybe I’m hyper-aware of his every move, clocking every printer trip, when in reality, he’s just a very hydrated guy with tight hamstrings.

Either way, if you find yourself overanalyzing every coincidental encounter, it might be time to ask: Is he orbiting you or are you the one caught in his gravitational pull?

Turns out Tom’s best IT diagnostics wasn’t turning laptops off and on again . . .

2. User data collection: he knows you

Tom was also a collector. Data collector.

The same guy who couldn’t remember which floor we were on somehow recalled my exact Thai order. Sir, your actual job is resetting passwords, but apparently, your true calling is being my personal biographer.

Was he just a shockingly perceptive man or had I become the unwitting subject of a one-man corporate surveillance initiative?

I was mid-investigation, piecing together the “evidence,” when my office bestie cut in: “Hey genius, you just spent 15 minutes analyzing Tom’s ‘suspicious behavior patterns . . .’” Which, if we’re keeping track, meant I was starting to sound a little too invested myself.

Either way, when a coworker starts compiling qualitative insights into your daily habits with more dedication than HR tracks PTO, it’s hard not to tell who’s doing the tracking — him or you?

Did you know? Romantic attraction triggers “attentional adhesion,” meaning you can’t stop zeroing in on every detail of someone you find appealing. This explains why your focus lingers on every small cue and gesture when you really like someone.^[1]

Speaking of tracking patterns, there was also the sudden emergence of Tom’s alternative persona . . .

3. Laughter optimization: he makes you laugh

He transformed into Jimmy Fallon every time I walked by.

Suddenly, every Slack notification became an attempt at witty banter, and every Zoom freeze turned into his personal comedy hour. At first, I thought he was just bored with IT life. But then I noticed the limited audience — Karen’s VPN issues got a dry “check your connection,” while my minor tech hiccups somehow warranted an array of debugging-themed memes.

My office bestie watched this unfold for weeks before dropping her analysis: “You do realize he keeps sending you these because you’re the only one who actually laughs at them, right?” I looked at his latest “404: Coffee Not Found” meme.

Oh.

Laughter is one of our most honest reactions. We instinctively laugh more around people we’re drawn to, and we try harder to be funny for people we like. It’s a subconscious feedback loop of attraction that’s almost impossible to fake.

Did you know? When a person cracks a not-so-amazing joke but you still double over laughing, you can blame the “halo effect.” Part of it is a genuine enjoyment of humor; part is that your brain is wired to see them in a positive light once attraction sets in.^[2]

Attraction doesn’t mean love, of course, but when he’s voluntarily taken on the additional role of your personal hype man? That’s . . . interesting.

4. Corporate wellness strategy: he’s your hype man

There’s office camaraderie and then there’s whatever this was.

Every minor accomplishment of mine — big presentation, meeting that didn’t spiral into chaos, remembering to unmute myself on Zoom — was met with enthusiastic praise, an ultimate green flag. I wasn’t just succeeding. I apparently “absolutely killed that client call,” had “elite spreadsheet skills,” and was “a productivity icon.”

Sir, this is a Tuesday.

At first I thought maybe he was just a naturally supportive coworker. But then I noticed that this wasn’t exactly a company-wide initiative. Karen successfully reversed an entire payroll error and all she got was a thumbs-up emoji. Meanwhile, I sent a well-formatted email and suddenly Tom was promoting me to a CEO. (Not really.)

“Okay, but you do realize you run to tell him about every tiny achievement, right?” my office bestie didn’t fail to notice. “No, I don’t!” I scoffed. Then I looked back at my Slack history — our Slack history.

When someone is voluntarily acting as your unpaid career coach, offering praise like it’s a retention strategy, you have to wonder: Is it genuine admiration . . . or just an elaborate employee retention plan (for one)?

But I wasn’t the only one who received an early performance review.

5. (Self-)Marketing rollout: he wants your appreciation

It seemed like Tom was practicing for his mid-year appraisal — and I was his training audience.

Every conversation somehow circled back to his new fitness goals, his unexpected culinary skills, or the hilariously crazy thing that happened to him while solo traveling. He had me so convinced of how fantastic he was, I was one step away from asking if his sweater was made from boyfriend material.

I was fully invested in the Tom Cinematic Universe when my office bestie, who had clearly been monitoring my audience engagement, finally cut in: “You do realize you hype him up like he’s delivering a TED Talk, right?”

I opened my mouth to protest — then froze. Because, sure, Tom was putting on a show . . . but I was handing him the microphone.

When someone’s in full self-marketing mode, their goal is simple: attention. But when you keep giving it to them, you have to wonder — are they trying to impress you specifically or are you buying what he’s selling?

Speaking of subtle sales tactics, there was one scenario where his confidence completely glitched.

6. Employee retention policy: he exhibits jealousy

It turns out, Tom’s confidence had its limits — and that limit was other male coworkers existing in my general vicinity.

One day, I had the audacity to message Stanley from IT instead of Tom to fix a very standard, absolutely non-flirty, completely work-related tech issue. And, oh, did that not go unnoticed. A few hours later, Tom swung by my desk, half-jokingly dropping, “Oh, I guess you’ve found a new IT guy.”

So there I was, explaining myself like I’d violated a non-compete clause. “I tried to contact you first, but you weren’t available!” My office bestie, who had been quietly monitoring the situation, arched an eyebrow. “Girl, you do not owe this man IT loyalty . . .”

Look, jealousy isn’t always the most flattering emotion — but in workplace crush economics, nothing says high-value interest like an unexpected spike in territorial behavior.

It wasn’t until one Wednesday afternoon that things finally became clear.

7. After-hours networking: he soft-launches asking you out

It started with a text message. Not on Slack, not on the company email — on my personal phone.

“Hey, are you going to the office pizza party on Thursday?” Not Hey, did you see that compliance email? or Hey, can you forward me the notes from today’s meeting? Nope. He was using off-the-clock communication for off-the-clock plans — and apparently, my attendance was now a matter of urgent personal interest.

I forwarded the message to my office bestie with a simple: “What do you say about that?” She replied almost immediately: “You were literally going to fake a dentist appointment to skip it, and now you’re considering going just because he is? Girl, open your eyes. You’re totally into him.“

I rolled my eyes and then, like a responsible, emotionally mature adult, I picked up my phone and texted back: “Okay, fine, maybe I do like him a little, but I swear if he doesn’t make a move at this stupid pizza party, I’m quitting corporate life and becoming a goat farmer.” Sent.

I exhaled. Then I froze. My soul left my body. My thumb slammed the screen, frantically trying to delete it, but before I could, three dots appeared.

That message did not go to my office bestie. It went. To. Tom.

What’s HR Got to Do With It?

“In that case, I should probably let you keep your corporate job,” came his reply. Well, that was one way to confirm this wasn’t just in my head. But before you start planning your own Jim-and-Pam story, here’s what to watch out for:

Company policy: Check if your workplace has a “thou shalt not date” clause. Some companies are stricter than others about office relationships.
Professional boundaries: Dating a coworker means seeing them everywhere — meetings, coffee runs, lunch breaks. Make sure you’re ready for that level of exposure.
Office gossip: Your romance might become the hottest topic since that mysterious disappearance of Karen’s lunch from the break room fridge.
Work-life balance: Try focusing on spreadsheets when your crush is giving an impressive presentation. It’s like trying to diet while working at a bakery.
Legal considerations. If there’s a power imbalance, tread carefully. One wrong move and you might need to speed-dial a lawyer.

Workplace crushes come with risks — but as I stood there, watching Tom casually hand me a slice of pizza, I had to admit . . . I wasn’t exactly thinking about HR policies.

Did you know? Some intriguing statistics about workplace romances that you might find useful:

Over a quarter (27%) of U.S. workers are currently in or have been involved in a workplace romance.^[3]
Approximately 18% of employees who’ve been in a workplace romance reported that it negatively impacted their career.^[3]

About 43% of workplace romances have led to marriage, indicating that such relationships can result in long-term commitments.^[4]

Your Next Steps

So, is it love or just a desperate attempt to romanticize corporate life? Before you start updating your relationship status to “LinkedIn Official,” here are a few tips:

Check his audience. Are you getting special treatment or is he friendly with everyone? Pay attention to how he interacts with others versus you.
Log your reality. Document his behavior objectively. Are those “chance” encounters actually random? Count frequency against normal office patterns.
Test your own interest. Would you still find him intriguing outside of the office bubble? Or is he just making your 9–5 less mundane?
Map consequences. Picture worst-case scenarios. Daily awkward encounters? Career impact? Team dynamics?
Set boundaries. Define your comfort zone before emotions cloud judgment. What workplace behavior crosses your line?

Remember: Good relationships are like successful mergers — they create value without compromising core operations.

Additional resources:

For more where that came from, check out all our guides to getting into a relationship.

FAQs

How can I maintain a professional environment if I have feelings for a coworker?

To maintain a professional environment despite having feelings for a coworker, set clear emotional and physical boundaries, focus on work-related tasks while at the office, and avoid overly personal interactions. Be mindful of workplace policies, respect HR guidelines, and ensure that your feelings don’t impact team dynamics or productivity.

Should I pursue a relationship with a coworker?

You should pursue a relationship with a coworker if you are genuinely interested in them, you are well aware of and willing to overcome the difficulties of navigating a workplace relationship, and it is not expressly prohibited by your employer.

How can you tell if a work crush is mutual?

To tell if a work crush is mutual, observe if the coworker reciprocates your actions, engages in meaningful conversations, and shows enthusiasm in your interactions. Pay attention to body language, eye contact, and whether he makes an effort to spend time with you outside of necessary work duties.

References

1. Maner, J. K., Gailliot, M. T., Rouby, D. A., & Miller, S. L. (2007). Can’t take my eyes off you: Attentional adhesion to mates and rivals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(3), 389–401.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.93.3.389

2. Nisbett, R. E., & Wilson, T. D. (1977). The halo effect: Evidence for unconscious alteration of judgments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(4), 250–256.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.35.4.250

3. Society for Human Resource Management. (2023, February 7). New SHRM survey: Workplace romance 2023. SHRM.
https://www.shrm.org/about/press-room/new-shrm-survey-workplace-romance-2023

4. Forbes Advisor. (2023). Workplace romance statistics: What employers should know in 2023. Forbes.
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/business/workplace-romance-statistics

Author

Milena J. Wisniewska

Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea.

She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

View all posts

Is It Love or Corporate Trauma Bonding? 7 Signs a Coworker Likes You