You have a huge advantage when it comes to flirting. It’s not your long legs, luscious hair, or sultry voice (although those are definitely advantages).
It’s that men are simple. So the formula for getting our attention is simple too.
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways
- Flirting is best done playfully. Use banter, humor, and compliments to convey interest playfully.
- Avoid revealing too much about yourself. Instead, ask him about himself, listen attentively, and ask follow-up questions.
- When in doubt, use your body. Smiling, touching, and biting your lip are all examples of how you can use body language to your benefit.
1. Perfect your playful banter skills.
The secret to making yourself more attractive has nothing to do with your appearance. Mastering it will put you ahead of the competition.
I’m talking about playful banter. One of the more subtle ways to flirt with a guy is through lighthearted teasing. Banter creates a fun exchange that takes your dull and boring conversations and makes them engaging and playful.
To banter like a pro, playfully challenge his opinion. When done right, this can be really effective at supercharging the mutual attraction.
- “Do you honestly believe that? That’s so 2015!”
- “It seems like we need to work on your taste.”
- “You can have that opinion for now, but it’s on borrowed time.”
- “Don’t stress, I’m still going to like you . . . especially after I prove you wrong.”
However, there are a few caveats to proper banter. Forgetting to keep these things in mind can cause the conversation to go sideways.
- Smile. Ensure you have a smile on your face while spouting these smart-aleck remarks. Otherwise, you’ll come off as condescending.
- Don’t overdo it. This is no default mode. It should be used sparingly to avoid coming off as confrontational.
- Keep it casual. Avoid challenging his opinion on touchy subjects he may genuinely care about. For example, politics and religion are usually no-fly zones. Pineapple on pizza? Cleared for takeoff.
Self-deprecation: friend or foe? Employing self-deprecation in your banter is a good idea because it shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously — a major turn-on. Just be careful not to venture into pathetic waters. You might think it plays off as charmingly awkward, but a lack of self-esteem will only attract weirdos and toxics.
2. Create playful mystery.
Guys don’t need to know everything about you.
As we learned from those regrettable Facebook status updates from 2009, no one needs to know everything about you. In fact, the less he knows about you, the better — at least, initially.
A common flirting mistake many people make is verbal vomiting their whole life stories onto their target. Where they grew up, what their childhood was like, all their previous relationships, blah, blah, blah. None of that is even remotely important when it comes to flirting.
Here’s how to ooze mystery from every pore:
- Answer a question with a question. If he asks you where you grew up, say, “Why? Do you want to visit my childhood bedroom?”
- Get moving. If your interaction is growing too prolix, suggest dancing or perhaps a game instead. Can’t talk about yourself while you’re doing the Shuffle.
- Leave. Nothing spells mystery like an Irish exit. But make sure you finagle a way to see him again, like through a mutual friend or by writing your phone number on a napkin before you go. This will make him miss you like crazy.
Did you know? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” isn’t just a message on your gran’s pillow. Studies show that intimacy in long-distance relationships can be even higher than that of geographically close relationships. You can use this concept to your advantage in a game of flirtation.[1]
3. Laugh at his jokes.
Not every guy is going to be John Mulaney. But you may want to indulge his humor anyway. A bland face from his bathroom talk (while justifiable) will make him think you’re not into him or that you don’t have a good sense of humor. Either way, not a good look when shooting for a flirty conversation.
Instead, laugh at his jokes. Giggle at his wisecracks when he unveils his inner jester, and he’ll be all over you like white on rice.
To convey your excellent sense of humor, hit him with a few jokes of your own by reading these articles:
- 61 Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy to Make Him Laugh
- 156 Pickup Lines to Flirt (& Laugh) Your Way Into His Heart
Did you know? Men prefer women who share their sense of humor. Researchers Hone et al. explain the difference between men and women when it comes to a sense of humor, “Women tend to prefer men who make them laugh, and men tend to prefer women who laugh at their jokes.”[2]
4. Compliment him.
When you’re flirting and nothing is landing, there’s one trick that will work every time.
Men love to hear about themselves. I don’t mean in a self-centered way, just an it’s-nice-to-get-attention way. An honest and candid admission about how amazing you think he is affirms him, his style, and his confidence.
This tactic is simple to accomplish:
- Think he fills out that new shirt well? “The way that shirt fits you makes it look expensive.”
- Digging the way his haircut and beard complement one another? “I didn’t think I liked men with beards, but I’m starting to change my mind.”
- For more tips on what men like, read our article about how a woman should treat a man. (It’s not as “tradwife” as it sounds.)
Did you know? Research shows that a simple compliment can have the same effect in someone’s brain as receiving a monetary reward.[3] So, if you want to trigger his pleasure centers, give him an authentic, personalized compliment.
5. Ask personal questions.
There’s a simple tactic you can use to easily and quickly get him to reveal pretty much anything you want to know, which gives you fuel for the flirting fire.
All you have to do is ask. That’s right! Excited conversations quickly die out, sensual energy fizzles away, and flirty banter falls flat without great questions that connect conversation threads.
For clever and fun questions, check out these articles:
- 180 “Favorite Things” Questions to Really Get to Know Him
- 100 Fun Questions to Get to Know Him Better
- 61 Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy to Make Him Laugh
- 111 Never Have I Ever Questions: Spicy Edition
Pro tip: To avoid offending someone with your personal questions, ask their permission. Say, “Can I ask you a personal question?” Not only will this help prevent offense, it will get the message across that you find them interesting!
6. Be a good listener.
There’s one simple trick you can use not just to flirt, but to make yourself appealing to everyone — even if you’re not naturally funny, witty, or flirtatious.
If you can never think of the right things to say or the right flirty text to send, practice your active-listening skills instead. Being a good listener will do way more for you than trying to come up with sly comments or humorous jabs.
Here’s how to be a good listener:
- Ask follow-up questions.
- Make your questions open-ended instead of yes-or-no.
- Repeat details he’s mentioned to prove you’re listening.
Did you know? Humans have simultaneous desires to both maintain their privacy and be known to others. This concept of opening up, called self-disclosure, is actually crucial to intimacy. Asking him personal questions can give you material to flirt with and kickstart something even deeper.[4]
7. Use body language to your advantage.
Newsflash: The vast majority of what you communicate has nothing to do with the words you say.
In fact, if you’re missing this valuable piece of insight, you could be communicating the wrong things to the right people all the time.
A whopping 93% of your body language is nonverbal.[5] The right body language can convey a flirty message far more powerful than words. Your facial expressions, tone of voice, body movements, and hand gestures are all saying things on your behalf.
Here are a few ways you can flirt with body language:
- Bite your lip. Calling attention to your mouth is flirtation 101.
- Maintain eye contact. This sounds really simple and obvious, but it’s extremely effective.
- Mirror his body language. According to body language experts, mirroring signals attraction.[6] When he crosses his legs, you cross yours. When he smiles, you smile. When he touches his face, you touch yours. You get the picture.
Practice makes perfect: Using body language as your new flirting tool might feel weird and unnatural at first. But like anything else, you’ll get better at it the more you do it. Try practicing in the mirror at home. Only you and I will know you did it.
8. Brush against him casually.
There’s an easy way you can quickly grab his attention without risking anything.
Break the physical barrier. The vibe can easily go from electric and exciting to boring and bland if you don’t add some playful touching to the mix. Touching electrifies the interaction, and the best part is that it’s easy to do.
Here’s how you can make that first move:
- Bumps and nudges. Gently bump or nudge into him if you’re walking side by side or even just standing or sitting next to each other.
- Light taps. Lightly tap his arm or shoulder if you’re sitting next to him to emphasize a point you’re making.
- Footsies. Start a subtle game of footsie if you’re sitting across from him. Whoops! Have fun with it and see where it takes you.
These casual flirting indicators are a playful way to get close without being too overt. It also creates a fun back-and-forth that amplifies the suspense and tension. And there’s one thing you can add that’s a surefire way to reach him.
9. Use his name often.
You may not realize it, but you have a push-button solution to turning this guy into putty in your hands.
You’re having an electric conversation with this guy, but you’re worried about keeping his attention. After all, even the most engaging conversations can fizzle out faster than a New Year’s resolution. Luckily, you have a secret weapon in your dating arsenal: Use his name.
Everybody’s favorite word is their own name. It’s the name they hear the most, have the strongest connection to, and feel the most affinity toward. So, it makes sense that his name is probably one of the sweetest things he’ll hear from your lips. So, use it.
Dropping his name throughout the conversation in a natural way creates a sense of intimacy and signals that he has your attention.
- Throw it at the end of a question when you ask it.
- Place it at the beginning of a sentence before you say it.
- Use it in the middle of a story while you tell it.
Of course, like everything else on this list, use common sense when implementing this. Don’t parrot his name every second sentence. That’s just awkward. Awkward can be charming and appealing in some cases, but don’t overdo it. Use your own discretion and gauge his reaction to determine the appropriate use.
Did you know? Studies show that someone’s name is a great way to acknowledge them, grab their attention, and even show respect.[7] In fact, using their name may even make them trust you faster.[8]
Your Next Steps
Flirting with a guy is really a matter of being confident and bringing good vibes. When you have those boxes checked, everything else takes care of itself. So, get out there, have fun, and enjoy the process.
For more clever advice about dating, read our guides to getting into a relationship.
FAQs
How do you start a flirty conversation with a guy?
One of the best ways to start a flirty conversation with a guy is to smile and be friendly. When he feels that you’re open to him, that will give him confidence to take the conversation in unexpected directions. If you sense he’s a little reserved, don’t hesitate to take the conversation in that direction yourself.
How do you do a flirty touch?
You can do a flirty touch with simple hand grazes. Take your hand and gently and briefly graze his shoulder, arm, or even his thighs if you’re sitting next to each other. This creates sexual tension without you being overtly obvious about what you’re trying to do.
How do you tell if a guy likes you?
You can tell if a guy likes you based on how he responds to you and your flirting attempts. If he engages and flirts back, you’re in. If he is more reserved, he may either be uninterested or possibly a little shy and unsure of how he should proceed.
How do you flirt with a guy without catching feelings?
If you want to flirt with a guy without catching feelings, simply remind yourself that you’re just trying to have fun. Just because you’re flirting doesn’t mean you need to get attached. Sometimes, flirting is just about having a good time. Most guys understand that.
References
1. Crystal Jiang, L., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577.
https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029
2. Hone, L. S. E., Hurwitz, W., & Lieberman, D. (2015). Sex differences in preferences for humor: A replication, modification, and extension. Evolutionary Psychology, 13(1), 167-181. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491501300110
3. Such, J. M., Espinosa, A., García-Fornes, A., & Sierra, C. (2012). Self-disclosure decision making based on intimacy and privacy. Information Sciences, 211, 93–111.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ins.2012.05.003
4. Mehrabian, A., & Ferris, S. R. (1967). Inference of attitudes from nonverbal communication in two channels. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 31(3), 248–252.
https://doi.org/10.1037/h0024648
5. Izuma, K., Saito, D., Sadato, N. (2008). Processing of social and monetary rewards in the human striatum. Neuron. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2008.03.020
6. Chartrand, T.L., Bargh, J.A. (1999). The chameleon effect: the perception-behavior link and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 893–910.
https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.76.6.893
7. Schulz, J. (2017). Using a person’s name in conversation. Michigan State University.
https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/using_a_persons_name_in_conversation
8. Psychology of calling someone by their name. (n.d.) The Valens Clinic.
https://thevalensclinic.ae/update/psychology-of-calling-someone-by-their-name
