Starting a Relationship

What Being in Love With a Married Man Reveals About You

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

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Sure, maybe he’s the best person you’ve ever met and you’re twin flames destined by the universe. But it could be something else entirely. What if this intense attraction isn’t about him at all, but instead reveals a pattern that’s been quietly shaping your love life for years? 


How Did I End Up Here?

It all started during one of my work trips to Spain. I’d just settled into a coworking space in a sleepy coastal town, ready to sip on overpriced café con leches while tackling my to-do list. That’s when I met Gianluca.

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He was charming, I’ll give him that. Italians tend to have that effect. But when he casually mentioned his wife, I mentally filed him under “off-limits.” 

For the first few days, we exchanged nothing more than polite nods and distant smiles. But then, things began to shift. Maybe it was the day we ended up sharing a desk because the place was packed, but little by little, I started to notice how thoughtful and quick-witted he was, and how he had this way of making me feel like I was the only person in the room.

Soon, I found myself looking forward to our chats in the break area and catching myself replaying our conversations in my mind at night. Stop, I’d think. He’s married. And yet, my heart wasn’t listening.

But this isn’t a heartbreak story — it’s one of healing.

Love vs. Infatuation

Could I really be in love after just a few weeks of stolen moments? Logic says no, but if you’re in this situation, you know it’s not that simple.

With Gianluca, everything felt amplified. It was like a magnet I couldn’t resist. Every interaction felt electric like we were the only people in the room. 

It felt like I’d known him forever, like it had to be love — but it wasn’t. How did I figure it out?

  • Pause & reflect. Write down the qualities you’re drawn to in him. Are they specific, or are they vague and unexplainable? Reflect on how he makes you feel instead of what you feel for him. If you’re a ball of anxiety because of him, this may be a sign of unhealthy attachment. 
  • Thrill vs. reality. Ask yourself, Would I feel the same if he were single and available? Sometimes, it’s the challenge and the unknown that draws us in, not the person. Read 7 Science-Based Reasons You Crush on People You Barely Know to explore this phenomenon.
  • See the future. Picture your life five years down the road — groceries, bills, kids’ improv classes. Which of his qualities will withstand the weight of everyday life?

Did you know? Studies show that love and infatuation speak two entirely different chemical languages. While that dizzy, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep rush of infatuation floods you with dopamine — the same high as hitting the jackpot — real love runs on oxytocin and vasopressin, the dynamic duo behind deep emotional security. Think fireworks versus a steady flame.[1][2]

Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s infatuation, but the real question is: Why didn’t my heart stop racing the moment he mentioned his wife? The answer lies in the relationship patterns I’ve been conditioned to repeat.

Related read: Being a Hopeless Romantic: Why It’s Both a Blessing & a Curse

Why do we chase what we can’t have?

The cruelest trick of evolution is that our brains are hardwired to crave the unavailable.

42% of people have found themselves emotionally invested in someone unavailable — a statistic both validating and unsettling.[3] But what drives us to pursue connections we know are destined for heartache?

With Gianluca, the less available he was, the more I idealized our connection. Each time I promised myself to stop thinking about him, the fantasy grew stronger. The allure wasn’t just in who he was — it was in the challenge, the what-ifs, and the story I was crafting in my mind. 

If this hits close to home, you might find comfort (or clarity) in these two pieces that dig into the psychology behind these patterns: How to Deal With Rejection and Why Do I Keep Thinking About Someone?

Expert insight: By pursuing someone we can’t have, we get to feel the rush of almost love while protecting ourselves from the real vulnerability of being chosen. It’s safer to want someone we can’t have until we realize we’re the ones keeping ourselves at a distance.[4]

With Gianluca, the thrill of the chase felt like a story worth living — until it didn’t. 

Related read: 7 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Man


Emotional Consequences

The guilt, the secrecy, the ache of wanting someone you can’t fully have — are these emotions helping or hurting you?

With Gianluca, every stolen glance and every too-long conversation felt intoxicating, but beneath that thrill was a simmering anxiety. Longing, pain, and sacrifice aren’t proof of deep love — they’re signals of insecure love. And if this state lingers, it doesn’t just steal your present joy; it starts writing the script for how you show up in every relationship that follows.

The slow loss of hope
Over time, the repeated rejection and unmet longing erode your ability to dream of something better. You start to believe breadcrumbs are all you deserve.

Erosion of self-worth
Constantly coming second — if that — silently destroys your confidence. You begin to believe you’re not enough, internalizing rejection until settling for less feels inevitable and self-doubt becomes your default state.

Addiction to the cycle
By choosing unavailable partners, I learned to believe chaos and intensity were normal, which left me unprepared for healthy relationships — ones without the same emotional highs. Even now, I struggle with feeling like my stable, safe relationship is wrong — but more on that later.

Personal guilt
If the line is crossed, the weight of guilt can become unbearable. You question your morals, your choices, and whether you’ve betrayed yourself in the process.

Emotional isolation
With Gianluca, I found myself avoiding friends who might call me out or ask hard questions. Over time, I withdrew more and more, creating a loneliness so deep it felt impossible to reach out, even when I needed support the most.

Unavailable for real connection
Longing for him, someone I knew could never fully be mine, left me completely stuck. I couldn’t bring myself to notice or appreciate anyone else who might have truly valued me because all my energy was tied up in the fantasy of what we could never have.

This isn’t about shaming yourself for how you feel — it’s about recognizing how these emotional dynamics might echo into the future. Because stories like this aren’t just moments; they’re wounds waiting to be healed. 

  • Write your love story. My therapist suggested writing down everything about Gianluca — every dream, every wish, every moment. At first, it felt romantic, but soon I ran out of material. I didn’t know him well enough, and the reality of his wife’s presence made it clear there was no story to build. More ideas in this article: Journaling for Healing.
  • Explore the roots of attraction. Therapy can help uncover why you might be drawn to unavailable partners. Is it linked to an absent parent or a caregiver whose love felt conditional? 
  • Go no contact. Unfollow, delete messages and avoid contact. It’s not about punishment — it’s about creating space to heal and make room for healthier connections.

Self-care corner: This pain is an invitation to understand yourself more deeply. Every unrequited love holds a mirror to our patterns, showing us where we need to heal. I’ve walked this path, too, and discovered that letting go creates space for something real and reciprocal. Your heart deserves nothing less.

Beyond the emotional toll, there’s the question of integrity — both yours and his — and how choices can ripple into the lives of everyone involved.


Ethical and Moral Considerations

In pursuing or encouraging a romantic connection with a married man, there’s the potential for something deeply damaging — not just to his partner, but to yourself. At the heart of this dilemma is trust. 

I was shocked, surprised, and deeply unsettled by how readily I was willing to risk my “integrity” for this connection. It felt like I couldn’t fully trust my own boundaries or decisions. 

And that got me asking the following questions:

  • How will I explain this to the people who matter to me?
    If someone I love — my family, my best friend, or even my grandma — asked me about this relationship, how would I justify it?
  • What would I say to his children?
    If his kids found out about this, what could I possibly say to explain my role in disrupting their family?
  • How would I feel if the roles were reversed?
    If I were in his partner’s position, how would I feel knowing someone was encouraging this connection?
  • Am I okay with being judged by others?
    Can I handle the possibility of friends, family, or colleagues finding out and forming opinions about my choices?
  • Am I respecting his partner’s humanity?
    How would I feel if my actions caused pain to someone who trusted him, even if I don’t know her personally?
  • Am I honoring my own values?
    Does this decision align with the principles I hold dear, or am I compromising what I stand for?
  • What am I teaching others through my actions?
    If someone were looking to me for guidance — whether it’s a sibling, a friend, or a younger family member — what example am I setting?
  • How would I feel if this became public?
    If this relationship were exposed, could I hold my head high knowing the impact it might have on everyone involved?
  • What is the ripple effect of this choice?
    Beyond him and me, who else might be affected by this decision — his partner, his family, or even my own loved ones?
  • Is this how I want to define myself?
    At the end of the day, am I okay with being part of a story built on secrecy, hurt, and dishonesty?

Answering these questions made one thing clear: This wasn’t just about the connection I shared with Gianluca — it was about me, my values, and the choices I was making. To move forward, I had to take a hard look at myself.


Your Next Steps

I shared a beautiful emotional connection with Gianluca, but nothing more happened. He cut ties as soon as he returned to Italy, and I respect that. Still, I couldn’t shake the thought of what might have happened if he had stayed longer.

These days, I look back on that experience with sentiment and gratitude. It was painful while it was happening, but it exposed the unconscious patterns that had been holding me back. That clarity pushed me to do the hard work of understanding myself and my choices, and because of it, I became a better woman — more ready to accept the healthy love I now know I deserve.

Emotional recovery and moving on

  • Journal daily about your emotions. Acknowledge the pain but also the lessons learned. Write out how he made you feel and how that might relate to past relationships.

Read: Journaling for Healing

  • Schedule a therapy session. If you’re finding it difficult to move on, a professional can help you understand why you’re drawn to unavailable partners and offer specific strategies for breaking this cycle.
  • Create an emotional detox. Unfollow him on social media and delete old messages. It’s not about punishing yourself; it’s about creating emotional space to move forward.

Read: Let It Go: How to Detach From Someone and Move On With Your Life

Building clarity and taking action

  • Learn your lessons. Spend time reflecting on why you might have been drawn to a married man. Is it the first time you’re pursuing an unavailable man? Make a list of qualities that attracted you to him and compare them with past relationships. Look for recurring themes — do you tend to get attached to people you know you have no future with?

Read: Do I Really Like Him? Decode Your Feelings and Find Clarity

  • Set up red flag filters. Make a list of what you’ll never tolerate again in a partner (e.g., emotional unavailability, dishonesty). Commit to only dating people who meet your emotional needs and respect your boundaries.

Read: 16 Qualities of a Good Man for a Lasting Relationship and 11 Serious Red Flags in a Relationship and How to Deal With Them

  • Create boundaries: Take specific actions to create emotional space. For example, if he reaches out, set a clear boundary: “I need space to heal and move forward. I can’t continue conversations with you.” 

Read: Boundaries in a Relationship: Learn What They Are and How to Set Them

Constructive decision-making

  • Check your values. Assess whether your past choices align with your core values. Create a list of values (e.g., trust, honesty, respect) and evaluate past relationships against them. Commit to only pursuing relationships that align with these values.

Read: Shared Values in a Relationship: Core Beliefs for Couples

  • Refuse to settle. If you’re tempted to settle for someone who doesn’t offer the commitment or respect you deserve, remind yourself of your worth. Start by creating a “deal-breaker” list. No one gets past these boundaries.
  • Embrace the ripple effect. Think of the impact your decisions will have not only on yourself but on your family, friends, and future partners. What kind of example do you want to set for those around you?

Considering getting involved with a married man, or any man, or any person? Our guides to starting a relationship can help you get off on the right foot.


FAQs

What attracts a married man to another woman?

What attracts a married man to another woman can stem from various factors, including emotional dissatisfaction, a desire for novelty, or unmet needs in his current relationship. 

Does silence make a man miss you?

Silence can sometimes make a man miss you, but more often, it leads to confusion rather than deepening emotional connection. Healthy communication, not silence, is essential for building understanding and emotional bonds in a relationship.

How do you drive him crazy for you?

Driving him crazy for you involves creating an emotional connection, maintaining a sense of mystery, and showing genuine interest. Attraction grows when emotional needs are met, boundaries are respected, and self-confidence is evident.


References

1. Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. NeuroReport, 11(17), 3829–3834. https://doi.org/10.1097/00001756-200011270-00046

2. Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004

3. Match.com. (2011). Singles in America: 2011 Survey Results. [Online survey].
https://www.singlesinamerica.com

4. Lerner, H. G. (1989). The dance of intimacy: A woman’s guide to courageous acts of change in key relationships. Harper & Row.


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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