Starting a Relationship

Why Do I Have a Crush on Someone I Barely Know? The Answers According to Science

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

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We all have our secrets. After all, who didn’t have a crush on Titanic-era Leonardo DiCaprio as a teen? However, if, as a grown woman, you still find yourself asking, “Why do I have a crush on someone I barely know?” it might be time for some self-exploration. Here’s the science behind those feelings.

Key Takeaways

  • Crushes on someone you hardly know are common and rooted in psychological and biological factors.
  • Attraction can be influenced by subconscious desires, fantasies, and chemical reactions in the brain.
  • Recognizing the reasons behind romantic feelings for someone can help you manage your feelings effectively.
  • Science-backed strategies can assist in reducing feeling infatuated.
  • Building self-awareness is essential for emotional well-being.

Why Do I Have a Crush on Someone I Barely Know?

1. Projection of ideal qualities

When you have a crush on someone you barely know, you might be projecting your ideal partner’s qualities onto them. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals often fill in the gaps of unknown traits with their desired attributes.

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This happens because of what’s called “positive illusions,” where we subconsciously enhance someone’s qualities to align with our ideal partner, creating a more favorable (and often unrealistic) version of them in our minds.[1] 

For example, you meet someone briefly at a work event, and he casually mentions he loves reading. Suddenly, your mind is racing, you’re imagining late-night conversations about your favorite books, cozy weekends with novels, and him sharing your love of Little Women

Hold your horses. You barely know this person. 

All he said was he likes to read, but your brain is already filling in the gaps, making him out to be the perfect literary soulmate. What if he’s really into World War II battle books and you’re stuck pretending to care about tank formations on your next date? 

2. The allure of mystery

You know what they say, less is more. 

There’s something inherently attractive about the unknown. Sure, I don’t think you need a PhD to know that anything mysterious and enigmatic tends to be a lot more intriguing, but let me do my due diligence here. 

According to a study in the European Journal of Social Psychology, researchers found that uncertainty can actually make someone more attractive.

In the study, participants were shown Facebook profiles of people who had supposedly rated them. Some participants were told that the profiles belonged to people who liked them a lot, while others were told that these profiles belonged to people who felt neutral about them. 

But here’s the twist: the third group didn’t know how much the people liked them, and that’s where things got interesting. The people who were left in the dark about how much they were liked ended up being the most attracted to the profiles they saw. The uncertainty increased their curiosity and, in turn, their attraction.[2]

Not knowing much about someone leaves plenty of room for your imagination to go to town, which can supercharge your infatuation. Like Edward Cullen first walking into that cafeteria, it’s the suspense that hooks you, the possibility that there’s something deeper, something thrilling just beneath the surface.

3. Psychological need for escape

Crushing on someone you barely know can definitely be a form of escapism. It’s like your brain’s way of providing a mental detour from stress or dissatisfaction in other areas of your life. 

Maybe you’re not fully happy in your current relationship, or perhaps you’re drawn to someone successful and beautiful because they represent what you wish you were achieving in your own life — a projection of your own unmet desires.

Fantasizing about someone can give you a temporary emotional boost and help you momentarily forget your problems. But while it may feel like a comforting escape, it doesn’t fix the underlying issues.

This kind of emotional detachment is reminiscent of the movie Her, where the main character, Theodore, escapes from his loneliness by falling in love with an AI system, constructing an idealized relationship that temporarily soothes his pain. 

In the end, though, Theodore must confront the reality that this fantasy can’t truly fulfill him. Similarly, while daydreaming about a crush might feel like a break from reality, it’s not a long-term solution to the dissatisfaction you’re actually feeling.

4. Immediate physical attraction

We’ve all been there — you lock eyes with someone across the room, and bam, instant crush. That sudden jolt of attraction isn’t just coincidence; it’s biology doing its thing. 

According to a study published in the Psychological Bulletin, physical appearance plays a huge role in initial attraction, and it happens almost automatically. This immediate response is hardwired into us, thanks to evolutionary instincts that push us to seek out traits — like facial symmetry, body language, and even pheromones — we subconsciously associate with good genes and health.[3]

These cues trigger responses in your brain that suggest a possible connection, even if you’re not consciously aware of why you’re drawn to someone.

But why do we experience that instant spark when we find someone physically attractive? 

Helen Fisher, in her book Anatomy of Love, explains that physical attraction triggers the brain’s reward system, particularly releasing dopamine, a chemical associated with pleasure and motivation.[4] 

This rush of dopamine creates a pleasurable, almost addictive experience, making the person seem irresistible — even if you’ve only just met them. 

Think of it like your brain’s internal radar scanning for traits that might suggest a good match — it’s fast, it’s subconscious, and it’s a little bit primal.

5. Subconscious recognition of familiar traits

You might find yourself drawn to someone who, on a subconscious level, reminds you of a past partner — or even a parent. 

According to philosopher Alain de Botton, in his book The Course of Love, “We are not merely looking for someone to love, we are looking for the familiar.”[5] 

This idea suggests that we unconsciously seek out traits in others that mirror the emotional dynamics we experienced growing up, whether it’s the warmth we received or, more often, the love we felt we had to earn.

So when you find yourself crushing on someone, it might not just be their charm or looks. It could be that they unknowingly remind you of someone from your past, pulling you toward something familiar.

De Botton argues that this desire for the familiar can shape our romantic choices, for better or worse, as we gravitate toward what we subconsciously believe love should feel like.

6. Hormonal influences

When it comes to attraction, your hormones are working behind the scenes, and two key players, dopamine and oxytocin, are leading the charge. 

According to a study published in Nature Neuroscience, these chemicals have a significant influence on romantic feelings and attachment.

Dopamine, often referred to as the “feel-good” chemical, is released when you’re around someone you’re attracted to. It’s your brain’s way of rewarding you, creating excitement and pleasure. 

This is why someone you barely know can suddenly feel like the most captivating person in the room. Your brain, fueled by dopamine, is telling you that this person might be worth paying attention to.

Oxytocin, on the other hand, is the “bonding” hormone, often associated with closeness and attachment. It plays a role in deepening emotional connections and makes you feel more inclined to bond with the person you’re attracted to, even if you haven’t known them for long.[6]

Even if the attraction seems immediate, your body is responding to ancient survival instincts, pushing you toward forming bonds that might be beneficial in the long run.

7. Desire for validation

Sometimes, crushing on someone can stem from a desire for external validation. 

According to a study published in Personal Relationships, individuals with lower self-esteem are more likely to develop crushes as a way to enhance their self-worth.

This happens because when we feel uncertain about our own value, we seek external sources — like attention or affection from others — to affirm that we’re desirable or worthy.

The study explains that people with lower self-esteem may use the romantic interest of others as a form of emotional reassurance. Developing a crush allows them to imagine receiving validation, admiration, or approval, which temporarily lifts their self-esteem. It’s less about the person they’re crushing on and more about how the attention makes them feel. 

In essence, the crush becomes a tool to fill emotional gaps and provide a sense of worthiness. However, the study also points out that this type of validation is often fleeting, as it doesn’t address the underlying issues of self-esteem, leading to a cycle where more external validation is continually sought.[7]

What Does It Mean to Have a Crush on Someone?

If you find yourself daydreaming about someone so much that you start wondering if you secretly moonlight as a romantic novelist, the answer is simple: You have a heavy case of crushing on someone. Yeah, it’s a tough condition, but don’t worry — it’s curable.

At its core, a crush is that fluttery feeling of attraction and infatuation you get toward someone. Merriam-Webster defines it as “an intense and usually passing infatuation.”[8

Interestingly, crushes aren’t always about romance. Sure, most of us picture a crush as the gateway to a potential love story, but sometimes, a crush is simply about wanting a deeper connection. 

Maybe you admire a coworker’s work ethic and secretly wish you could team up on projects (think less Hallmark romance, more workplace buddy comedy). Or maybe you have a crush on a friend because their humor just clicks with yours.

According to a study by two relational psychology gurus, Arthur Aron and Helen Fisher, published in the Journal of Neurophysiology, crushes are part of our brain’s way of sparking interest and motivation in forming new relationships (sneaky brain!).

Their research highlights that the feelings associated with a crush are driven by the brain’s reward system, releasing chemicals like dopamine that make the experience exciting and motivating.

But that’s not everything that they’ve discovered. 

The study shows that crushes can boost your mood and even enhance your creativity. People experiencing romantic attraction showed increased creativity and problem-solving abilities.[9]

So, next time you’re scribbling down ideas at 2 a.m. because you can’t stop thinking about someone, thank your brain for the unexpected inspiration. There’s always a chance your crush reciprocates, so it’s good to be prepared.

Whether it’s a fleeting fancy or the start of something deeper, having a crush is a universal experience that highlights our innate need to connect, understand, and be appreciated by someone special.

How to Stop Having a Crush on Someone

Flirt it out (responsibly, of course)

Who says you have to stop crushing? There’s no harm in indulging a little. 

Flirt away and enjoy the harmless thrill — just detach from any serious outcome. You’re not angling for wedding bells here, you’re just raising your heart rate a little. Try a little joke or some cheesy pickup lines to get it out of your system. 

Consider it cardio for your emotions. But remember, like eating cake for breakfast, it’s all about moderation.

Acknowledge your feelings

It’s totally normal to crush on someone, especially if they’re easy on the eyes. The first step to getting over it is admitting it to yourself — no rom-com fantasies, just own it. 

Whatever you resist, persists. It applies here, too. Acknowledge that you’re crushing on this guy (whoever he is) and stop blocking the energy.

Next up: Write down your own little love story. Go ahead, grab that pen (or keyboard), and let your imagination run wild. Pour out every detail of how you wish this would go, even if it means drafting wedding vows in your daydream world. You might notice after one sitting that you’re already running out of ideas, or you may need to do it a few more times.

The feeling will eventually fade. Why? Because a crush, by nature, doesn’t give you much material. Writing it all out forces you to realize just how little you actually know about this person, and that can be a real game-changer. Plus, it’s an oddly satisfying way to drain all that pent-up emotion.

Limit exposure

Seeing him every day is only feeding the beast. Start scaling back contact, even if that means unfollowing his perfectly curated Instagram feed. Reducing social media exposure can really help with emotional well-being, so hit “mute” and reclaim your peace of mind — because no one needs that many gym selfies.

And hey, we’re not talking about ghosting here — just respecting your own emotional boundaries. If you have the kind of relationship where you can talk about it, feel free to tell him you need a little space to sort out your thoughts. Whatever works for you. It’s your emotional world, after all.

Engage in self-reflection

Why are you crushing on him? Is it his dazzling wit or is he just the human equivalent of a mystery novel you can’t put down? 

Self-reflection can be a game-changer here. Dig into whether you’re really attracted to him or to the idea of him. 

Write down what you know about him versus what you’re assuming. List facts on one side (like “He’s funny”) and fantasies on the other (“He’s probably really romantic”). This exercise will help you see if you’re crushing on who he actually is, or if you’ve filled in the gaps with your own imagination.

Refocus on personal goals

The quickest way to make your crush less interesting is by reminding yourself how fabulous you are. Turn your energy toward your goals — whether it’s learning French, starting that online business, or finally joining that salsa class.

When we have a crush, obsessive thoughts tend to narrow our thinking, making this person the center of our mental universe. 

By refocusing on your own goals, you remind yourself who you are and what really matters to you. This helps you regain perspective and restore some of the power you may have subconsciously given away by diving too deep into the crush.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness helps keep you present and out of your head. When your brain starts playing a montage of “what could be,” take a deep breath and ground yourself in reality. 

Mindfulness reduces emotional reactivity and rumination. Translation? You’ll stop imagining your crush as the star of your personal love story and detach emotionally.

And no, you don’t have to sit in a lotus pose for hours a day. You don’t even have to sit at all. As little as 8 minutes of simple box breathing can have a calming effect, and with time, you can scale it up to 20 minutes for even more benefits. 

Research shows that daily box breathing reduces stress, lowers cortisol levels, and improves overall mood and cognitive function.[10]

So, replace your 8-minute doom scrolling with 8 minutes of box breathing and start rewiring your brain!

Stop romanticizing him

In “The Tortured Poets Department” Taylor sings: “You’re not Dylan Thomas. I’m not Patti Smith. This ain’t the Chelsea Hotel. We’re modern idiots.” You get my point?

Stop romanticizing him — he’s not Prince Charming, and this isn’t some grand love story. It’s time to romanticize your life instead. 

Buy yourself flowers, dress up for no reason, take yourself on solo dates, and create moments of magic that are just for you

The best love story is the one you write with yourself. 

Stay busy with meaningful activities

An idle mind isn’t just the devil’s playground — your crush loves it too. 

Instead of binge-watching Bridgerton and curating even more unrealistic ideas about romance, do something that matters. Help someone, volunteer, or engage in activities that make you feel fulfilled. 

Meaningful tasks don’t just distract you; they pull you out of your head and into the real world. 

When you’re focused on your own purpose, there’s less time for that “omg, I wonder what he’s doing” nonsense. Plus, you’ll feel a whole lot more empowered when your life isn’t centered around someone else.

Seek support from your friends 

Sometimes you need a reality check from the people who really know you. 

Share your feelings with trusted friends — they’re usually much better at seeing things clearly than you are in your crush-induced haze. 

Also, talking things through can provide that much-needed emotional release. Friends: saving us from emotional dumpster fires since forever.

Consider professional help

I say this so often it’ll probably end up on my gravestone, but here we go again: Go to therapy.

If your crush is interfering with your daily life and feels out of control, it might be a bigger issue. Relying on friends is great, but sometimes, deeper emotional struggles need to be addressed with a professional. I’m a big fan of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), but there are plenty of other options like traditional psychotherapy or EMDR. Whatever floats your boat. 

Hopefully, in 2024, there’s no shame in seeking professional help and we all came to a common understanding that mental hygiene is just as important as physical hygiene. 

In short, why suffer in silence when you can work on healing and move forward with your life?

Conclusion

So, if you’re still wondering, “Why do I have a crush on someone I barely know?” — well, a crush is just that, a fleeting feeling. Enjoy the thrill if it’s lighthearted, but if it starts to feel overwhelming, you’ve got tips here to manage it. Remember, energy flows where attention goes.

For more info about getting into a relationship, check out the link!

FAQs

Why do I feel a deep connection with someone I barely know?

You might feel a deep connection with someone you barely know due to subconscious recognition of familiar traits or because you’re projecting your desires onto them. Psychological factors like shared values or unmet emotional needs can also play a role. 

How long does a crush last?

Crushes typically last a few weeks to several months. The duration varies based on personal factors and the level of interaction. Research shows that the intense feelings linked to a crush usually fade after several months, though in some cases, they can last up to two years as brain chemistry returns to normal.

What causes a crush to develop?

Crushes develop due to a combination of physical attraction, psychological needs, and emotional desires. Novelty, projection, and dopamine release in the brain contribute to these strong feelings.

Why do I feel extremely attracted to someone?

You may feel extremely attracted to someone as a result of chemical reactions in the brain, such as increased dopamine and oxytocin levels. Subconscious factors like unmet emotional needs or the allure of mystery also intensify the attraction. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that certain traits trigger innate responses related to mate selection.

References

1. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79–98.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.1.79

2. Whitchurch, E. R., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2011). “He loves me, he loves me not . . . “: Uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. Psychological Science, 22(2), 172–175.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610393745

3. Langlois, J. H., Kalakanis, L., Rubenstein, A. J., Larson, A., Hallam, M., & Smoot, M. (2000). Maxims or myths of beauty? A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 126(3), 390–423.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.126.3.390

4. Fisher, H. E. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray. W.W. Norton & Company.

5. de Botton, A. (2016). The course of love. Hamish Hamilton.

6. Young, L. J., & Wang, Z. (2004). The neurobiology of pair bonding. Nature Neuroscience, 7(10), 1048–1054.
https://doi.org/10.1038/nn1327

7. Marshall, T. C., Bejanyan, K., Di Castro, G., & Lee, R. A. (2013). Attachment styles as predictors of Facebook-related jealousy and surveillance in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 20(1), 1–22.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01393.x

8. Crush. (n.d.). Merriam-Webster.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crush

9. Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337.
https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004

10. Hopper, S. I., Murray, S. L., Ferrara, L. R., & Singleton, J. K. (2019). Effectiveness of diaphragmatic breathing for reducing physiological and psychological stress in adults: a quantitative systematic review. JBI Evidence Synthesis, 17(9), 1855–1876.
https://doi.org/10.11124/JBISRIR-2017-003848


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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