Ending a Relationship

How to Leave Your Narcissistic Partner: Step-by-Step Guide

Milena J. Wisniewska Avatar

Table of Contents

“Why don’t you leave him? Just pack your bags and go,” my friends would say with growing frustration. For them, it was that simple. But anyone who’s been trapped in a narcissistic relationship knows it’s anything but simple.

Today, from the safety of my healthy, loving relationship, I shiver thinking about how I let someone treat me, how I neglected myself for love that never was. 

Table of Contents

This is my story of the most emotionally and physically destructive relationship of my life — and more importantly, your guide to finding your way out.


Recognizing the Problem

You cannot solve a problem you don’t know you have. 

Subconsciously, I must have been aware of what was going on, but I was so afraid of judgment that the shame felt suffocating: “How could I, the person everyone came to for relationship advice, find myself here?” I would have sooner choked than admitted I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. 

That’s exactly why I stayed trapped in it for so long. I refused to see the world for what it was, and as a result, I couldn’t move toward the solution phase, instead running in circles, weaker and more alone with every lap.

You can be smart, strong, successful — and still fall prey to narcissistic abuse. 

Only when I mustered the courage to look the beast in the eye did I begin to understand the depth of the damage it had done.

Related read: 6 Signs of Manipulation in a Relationship (and 16 Manipulator Tactics)


Understanding the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse

It wasn’t just the constant anxiety and self-doubt. 

His endless criticisms about my body and comparisons to other women pushed me into an eating disorder. My skin turned gray, my hair lost its shine, and I became a shadow of myself — physically and emotionally. 

I was so isolated that the rare times I saw my friends, all they could say was, “You’ve changed.” My self-esteem was buried below sea level, and I found myself resenting every woman who had something I didn’t. I was miserable, drained, and lifeless.

  • Reconnect with your role model. For me, it’s Cher. I asked myself, “What would she do in my situation?” and let her strength and resilience inspire me. 
  • What would you tell your daughter? If your daughter were in your situation, would you tell her to endure, or would you urge her to choose herself, her health, and her happiness? Let that advice be the voice you listen to for yourself.

Did you know? Studies have shown that ongoing mistreatment can erode a person’s agency and self-worth, making it harder for them to recognize their ability to leave or seek help — even when opportunities for change exist. This phenomenon is known as learned helplessness.[1]

When everything feels dark, all it takes is one kind soul to show you there’s a way out.

Related read: Journaling for Healing: Rediscovering and Empowering Your Inner Self


Building a Real Support System

Sometimes survival comes down to one person who refuses to let you disappear. For me, that person was my friend Holly.

I emphasize the word real because having people around you doesn’t always mean you’re supported. You could be surrounded by a crowd of people, but if they’re urging you to stand up when you can barely stay on your feet, just because your pain makes them uncomfortable, they aren’t a support system — they’re an oppression system. 

Holly saw me lying on the floor, figuratively (and often literally), and instead of trying to drag me up, she got down beside me. She nurtured me with her compassionate presence until I could stand on my own again. That’s what real support looks like. 

  • Identify safe people. Look for those who listen without judgment, validate your feelings, and offer comfort instead of trying to fix you. A support system is built on understanding, not pressure.
  • Be open about your needs. Share with trusted individuals what kind of support you need — whether it’s someone to talk to, someone to sit in silence with, or just a hug. Real support starts with honest communication.
  • Find a community. Find an online community offering wise support, for example, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Center. While your situation is unique, you are not alone.

Once I began to feel steady on my own two feet, I started to think about what came next. I was still living in a foreign country, totally dependent on him, and I couldn’t just walk away. I needed a plan. 

Related read: Resources for Abuse


Planning a Safe Exit Strategy

Leaving felt impossible, but the question wasn’t if I could leave — it was how I would take that first step towards freedom.

I told him I planned to visit my parents. It felt easier to say I was feeling homesick than to say, “I’m leaving you.” What followed were two weeks of jealousy fits, silent treatments, accusations, and even sweet-talking — every form of emotional manipulation you can imagine. But I was set. I couldn’t think about the next step yet, but I knew one thing: I was getting on that plane.

  • Prioritize safety. A safety plan should include essentials like securing your important documents (passport, ID, bank cards), stashing emergency funds, and identifying a safe place to go. Make sure someone you trust knows your plan.
  • Focus on one step at a time. Focus on the very next thing you need to do, whether that’s booking a ticket, packing a bag, or making a call. Taking small steps helps you move forward without being paralyzed by the bigger picture. 

Did you know? Emotional strain in a narcissistic relationship can push your body into adrenal fatigue, where prolonged stress overwhelms your adrenal glands (the ones producing cortisol and adrenaline) leaving you feeling stuck, chronically tired, and emotionally drained. That’s why you feel like you can’t act — leaving takes energy you simply don’t have.[2]

When I finally sat in my seat, I realized I was free — and burst into tears. After arriving at the safety of my parents’ house, I slept for two weeks straight. You may wonder if he called me during that time. Oh yes, he did. 

Related read: How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: Steps to Regain Your Freedom


Cutting Off Contact

When I arrived home, welcomed by warm soup and my parents’ love, I was struck by how far I’d fallen from real love. It wasn’t the end of the story, but the physical separation gave me the leverage and safety to begin cutting the emotional ties. 

His texts and calls ranged wildly — from love bombing and promises to change, to insults and accusations that still bring tears to my eyes. Sometimes, all in the span of a few minutes.

Eventually, I had enough strength to realize I didn’t need to keep doing this. The possessions I’d left behind weren’t worth my peace of mind. Nothing was. So, I blocked him everywhere — except for email, because at the time, I didn’t know how to block that too. 

Self-care corner: This isn’t the time to prove your strength or take the moral high ground — it’s the time to practice radical self-compassion. If leaving without saying a word is what it takes to protect yourself, then do it. You owe no one an explanation.

The moment the storm had passed, I was left with the aftermath — everything felt broken, out of place, and impossible to sort through on my own.


Seeking Professional Help

I needed help. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I couldn’t eat, my body image — never great to begin with — was at an all-time low, and I was at the darkest point of my life in every possible way. Then, one of my friends did something I’ll never forget: He gave me his already scheduled therapy session.

That one session turned into a journey I’m still on today, and I’m not exaggerating when I say it saved my life. Please don’t wait until you’re at the rock bottom to start. Take care of your mental health asap. 

Why therapy matters

  • It provides a nonjudgmental space to express your feelings. 
  • It helps you process your pain without fear of being dismissed or misunderstood.
  • It helps you recognize and reshape unhealthy patterns, rebuild your confidence, and understand how past experiences shape your present.

I know therapy can be expensive, but there are other options — online therapy, support groups, or community-based services — and it doesn’t have to last indefinitely. There’s always a way. And truly, this is the best investment you can ever make in yourself. You’re worth it.

Therapy gave me the tools to rebuild myself, piece by piece, and I honestly don’t know where I’d be without it. But it also taught me one of the most important things in life.


Learn to Love Yourself

My journey with self-love began when I came to terms with a harsh reality: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I realized I had spent so long accepting scraps because I believed that’s all I was worth, and it still hurts to admit it. 

“Self-love” has been commoditized and turned into marketing strategies (buy our face mask, and you’ll love yourself!). But self-love isn’t just about pamper days — though those can have their place — it’s about something much deeper: treating yourself with the same kindness, compassion, and care that you’d show to someone you truly love.

  • Nurture yourself. If you’ve been too passive, practice being assertive and take small steps to advocate for yourself. If you’re stuck in constant “doing” mode, slow down and smell the flowers — find balance by nurturing the energy you’ve been neglecting.
  • Journal, forever journal. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and progress. Journaling helps you process emotions, track growth, and reconnect with yourself. It’s a gift to your future self.

Did you know? Poor sleep and sugary foods can cause blood sugar spikes and crashes, which can make your anxiety and depression worse. Getting good sleep and eating balanced meals are powerful tools to help you feel better mentally and emotionally.[3]

After enough time spent nurturing my body, mind, and soul, I came to understand one very important thing.


Moving Past “Narcissism”

“There’s one and only one criterion that determines whether we should be with someone: whether or not they are kind to us.”[4]

No matter where your partner places on the spectrum of narcissism, or if he even is really a narcissist and not just a massive manipulative, self-centered jerk, isn’t as important as we often think it is. Why? 

Because it was never about diagnosing him. It’s about you and what you allow in your life.

Over-focusing on your partner’s personality traits, such as narcissism, is a slippery slope. Sure, naming behaviors can be helpful in understanding patterns, but constantly analyzing whether your partner really fits the narcissist mold can keep you stuck. This is especially true in situations where no children or minimal assets are tying you together.

If you’ve already split from a narcissistic partner, or planning on splitting, stick to these three essential principles when interacting to protect your emotional well-being and avoid unnecessary conflict:

  • No emotions. Stay calm and neutral, no matter how provocative his behavior may be. 
  • Short responses. Keep communication brief and to the point. Avoid long explanations, justifications, or arguments — he’ll likely twist your words to shift blame.
  • Minimal interaction. Limit contact to what’s absolutely necessary, such as discussions about children or shared responsibilities. Use written communication like email or messaging apps to keep a record of interactions.

My relationship story ends here, but I know that many of you are married to narcissists, have houses and children with them, and leaving on a jet plane is not as straightforward as it was for me (even though it didn’t feel as straightforward back then as it sounds now). 

When the ties keeping you are more than just emotional, the strategy expands.

Expert insight: When divorcing a narcissist, it’s crucial to avoid over-focusing on them. If your spouse doesn’t become problematic from the onset, consider extending an olive branch to resolve issues amicably. Here are three tips:

  • Do not assume your spouse will be a nightmare. You simply don’t know for sure.
  • Do not assume you will fight with your hands. Don’t jump to conclusions.
  • Do not lead by bringing the fight to your spouse because of these assumptions. Being overaggressive may put you five moves behind.

Approach the situation strategically, like a game of chess, aiming to be five moves ahead of your opponent.[5]


Assets, accounts, legal rights, and even IKEA flowerpots become weapons when leaving a narcissist.

While he’s busy orchestrating a smear campaign against you, you should be quietly building your arsenal: records, receipts, and evidence.

  • Document everything. Save texts, emails, financial transactions, and any other records that can support your case. Read How to Document Abuse.
  • Consult a family law attorney. Choose someone experienced in handling narcissistic abuse who can focus on facts, not manipulation.
  • Get financial advice. If shared assets or children are involved, a financial expert can help you make informed decisions and protect your rights.
  • Stay organized. Keep all records and legal documents in a secure, easily accessible place.

You can’t control his games, but you can protect your future by staying grounded in preparation and facts. That only becomes more important if your children and pets are involved.


Protecting Children and Pets

You become a captain of a rescue mission when it’s more than just yourself involved. 

Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and they often use the most vulnerable members of your family — your kids and pets — as pawns to maintain control.

  • Assemble your team. Involve teachers, pediatricians, and trusted family members. Most importantly, secure professional help: a family lawyer for custody arrangements and a child therapist who can help your children process the changes. Read more about supporting your children. 
  • Become the legal owner of your pet. Take steps to prove ownership of your pet. Have them vaccinated and licensed in the place where you live, making sure the registrations are done in your name. Take steps to have them changed if necessary. Check out what you need to know about pet safety.

I sincerely hope that all these measures won’t be necessary and that you’ll be able to part ways in a relatively amicable manner. But as the saying goes, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” 

Once you’ve secured your own safety and that of your loved ones, the final step becomes a natural consequence of the groundwork you’ve laid.


Establishing and Enforcing Boundaries

If you cannot go “no contact,” what can you do?

Narcissists often push limits to maintain control, resorting to manipulative and underhanded tactics. If cutting him out of your life entirely isn’t an option, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Start by clearly defining what you will and won’t tolerate — and commit to enforcing those limits without wavering. This could mean restricting communication to only essential topics or even using a separate phone specifically for interactions with him (yes, that’s a real thing). 

Boundaries — or, if necessary, a restraining order — are your most powerful tools for protecting your peace of mind and reclaiming your autonomy. 

I wrote a whole article about boundaries here: 4 Types of Relationship Boundaries: Learn What They Are and How to Set Them

Related read: How to Talk to a Narcissist: 9 Strategies to Survive the Storm


Your Next Steps

Five years after I left, he emailed me. I’ll never forget the moment I saw his name in my inbox, my heart skipping a beat. His email wasn’t what I expected — it was an apology. 

He wrote about how he hoped I was happy, wished me the best, and admitted to his mistakes. By then, I was in a completely different place. His words no longer had the power to hurt or heal me, because I had already done the work to heal myself. And I wish you the same. 

Your journey starts here.

Our guides to ending a relationship can help you manage the nows and laters of this complicated time in your life.

Let these resources fortify you as you embark on it:


FAQs

How do you know it’s time to leave a narcissist?

It’s time to leave a narcissist when their behavior consistently undermines your mental, emotional, or physical health. Key signs include manipulative tactics like gaslighting, excessive control, and lack of empathy for your needs

What does a narcissist do when you leave them?

When you leave a narcissist, they may react with emotional extremes, such as guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, threats, or attempts to regain control through love-bombing or manipulation. This behavior stems from their need for power and validation.

How do you detach from a narcissist?

Detaching from a narcissist involves setting firm boundaries, minimizing contact, and prioritizing self-care. Recognize manipulative patterns and seek therapy or support groups to rebuild your sense of identity. Establishing emotional distance is critical to breaking the cycle of dependency and regaining control over your life.


References

1. Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness: On depression, development, and death. Freeman.

2. Wilson, J. L. (2001). Adrenal fatigue: The 21st century stress syndrome. Smart Publications.

3. Firth, J., Gangwisch, J. E., Borsini, A., Wootton, R. E., & Mayer, E. A. (2020). Food and mood: How do diet and nutrition affect mental wellbeing? BMJ, 369, m2382.
https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.m2382

4. The School of Life [@theschooloflifelondon]. (2025, January 19). The explanation for those of us who find ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of forgiving our partners. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/DFBDYIOBDNZ/?hl=en

5. Farzad Family Law. (n.d.). How to divorce a narcissist. Farzad Law Firm. Retrieved January 20, 2025, from https://farzadlaw.com/how-to-divorce-a-narcissist


Author

  • Milena might not be a relationship professor, but she's definitely been through it all, learned her lessons, and is here to spill the tea. She combines the wisdom of renowned relationship specialists with her own romantic adventures to offer relatable and practical advice.

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