Finding out your spouse has been cheating feels like getting hit by an emotional freight train — and you’re left standing on the tracks, wondering what the hell just happened. You need answers — not just for closure, but to figure out what comes next.
My friend, let’s call her Erin, dealt with this when she learned of her husband’s affair. She wanted to scream and throw things at first, but instead she learned the 10 questions to ask an unfaithful spouse before acting.
Table of Contents
1. Why did you cheat?
The text message appeared on Erin’s screen at 2:17 a.m. on a Tuesday. Not from Jake — from a number she didn’t recognize.
I think you should know your husband’s been sleeping with me for the past four months.
Erin stared at her phone until dawn broke, the three-letter question pounding in her head: Why?
It seems like the most obvious question, but it’s also the most loaded. Why did they do it? Why weren’t you enough? Why risk everything? The answer won’t fix what’s broken, but it might help you understand the size of the crack.
When Erin finally confronted Jake, his first response was the classic “It just happened.” But infidelity doesn’t “just happen” like a sudden rain shower or a flat tire.
“I was lonely,” Jake eventually admitted. “You were so busy with work, and she made me feel important again.”
People cheat for various reasons: emotional or sexual dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, anger, or even simple opportunity combined with poor impulse control.
Understanding your spouse’s “why” won’t justify their actions, but it might reveal the underlying issues that need addressing — whether you stay together or not. But knowing why they strayed is just the beginning. The duration of the betrayal tells its own story about the depth of deception.
And that leads to an equally important question.
Did you know? According to Dr. Shirley Glass, “the godmother of infidelity research,” affairs typically develop through a series of small boundary crossings that lead to emotional and physical intimacy.[1]
2. How long has it been going on?
There’s a world of difference between “one drunken night” and “long-term affair.” Erin thought she was prepared for Jake’s answer.
She wasn’t.
“About four months,” he said, confirming what the text had claimed. But then he added, “Though we’ve been talking for longer. Maybe six months.”
Six months! While they were planning their five-year anniversary trip! While he was helping her mother move into a new apartment! While life seemed completely normal!
The length of an affair isn’t just about counting days on a calendar — it’s measuring the extent of the deception. A one-time slip might suggest a moment of weakness (still not okay, but different).
A prolonged affair indicates a sustained effort to hide, lie, and create a parallel life.
As Erin processed this information, she realized that for half a year, her reality had been carefully curated by Jake’s lies. That knowledge led her to an even more urgent question — one that would determine if there was anything left to salvage.
Did you know? Dr. Scott Haltzman, psychiatrist and relationship counselor, explains that longer affairs often involve deeper emotional connections that can be harder to break. They also indicate a more extensive pattern of lies and cover-ups, which further erodes trust.[2]
3. Are you going to stop?
It seems like a no-brainer. They got caught, game over, right? Not so fast. Erin watched Jake’s face as she asked this question, and what she saw terrified her.
Hesitation.
That split-second pause before he said “Yes, of course” told her everything she needed to know. He wasn’t sure.
This question cuts through the apologies and tears to the heart of what matters: actions. Words are cheap. “I’m sorry” costs nothing. “I’ll stop” is only valuable if it’s true.
Look for signs of genuine remorse rather than regret at being caught. Watch out for the following red flags:
- Conditional promises (“I’ll stop if you . . .”)
- Blaming you for driving them to cheat
- Minimizing the affair’s significance
- Being vague about cutting contact
When Erin pressed Jake about specific steps — deleting contacts, changing jobs (yes, it was a coworker), allowing access to his phone — his resistance spoke volumes. His attachment to the affair was stronger than his desire to heal their marriage.
But before Erin could decide what to do with this information, she needed to understand just how deep the betrayal went.
What did Jake’s affair partner know about her?
Did you know? True remorse involves taking full responsibility without blaming others, showing empathy for your pain, and making a sincere commitment to change.[3]
4. What did you tell this person about our relationship?
“She knew you existed, obviously,” Jake told Erin. “But I might have . . . downplayed things.”
“Downplayed how?” Erin asked.
“I told her we were basically roommates. That we hadn’t been intimate in over a year.”
Erin felt her face burn. Their sex life had slowed down recently, but they’d been intimate just last weekend. Jake had rewritten their history to justify his actions, turning their normal marriage into a sad, loveless arrangement to escape from.
This question reveals how your spouse framed your relationship to enable their affair. Did they present themselves as practically single? Did they share your private struggles? Did they bond with their affair partner over complaints about you?
For Erin, learning that Jake had shared intimate details about their sex life while painting himself as neglected was a violation beyond the physical affair. It was a betrayal of their privacy and a deliberate distortion of their shared reality.
But was this Jake’s first time rewriting history? Erin needed to know if this behavior was new or part of a pattern.
Did you know? People often create narratives that allow them to cheat while preserving their self-image as a good person. These stories can include exaggerating relationship problems or creating fictional issues that don’t exist.[4]
5. Is this the first time you’ve cheated?
The question hung in the air between them. Jake looked away, and Erin felt her stomach drop before he even spoke.
“On you? Yes.”
The implication was clear.
“But not on others?” she pressed.
Jake sighed. “My ex before you. But that was different. We were already having problems.”
Erin had never known about Jake’s infidelity in his previous relationship. He’d always claimed they broke up because “they wanted different things.” Now she understood that what Jake had wanted was someone else — while still in a committed relationship.
This pattern suggested that when relationships get difficult, Jake looks outside rather than working on problems from within. It wasn’t a momentary lapse but a coping mechanism — and one that might activate again in the future.
As devastating as this revelation was, Erin still needed to understand the nature of the connection.
Did you know? A history of infidelity is one of the strongest predictors of future cheating. Research by Knopp et al. published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior finds that people who had cheated in previous relationships were three times more likely to cheat in subsequent relationships.[5]
6. Was it purely physical or were you in love with them?
“Do you love her?” Erin asked, hating how vulnerable the question made her feel.
Jake paused. “I care about her. I don’t know if it’s love.”
That non-answer was an answer in itself.
Physical cheating is painful enough, but emotional infidelity — where your spouse develops deep feelings for someone else — can feel like an even greater betrayal. It suggests the affair wasn’t just about sex but about connection, intimacy, and attachment.
When your spouse falls in love with someone else, they’re not only sharing their body — they’re sharing their heart, dreams, vulnerabilities, and future plans.
Erin realized Jake’s feelings for this woman represented competition on a level she hadn’t anticipated. It was clear that his heart was divided.
And that division likely extended beyond emotions to more tangible areas of their life together.
In his book, The Dangerous Passion, evolutionary psychologist David Buss argues that emotional affairs can be more threatening to relationships than purely sexual ones because they involve diverting emotional resources away from the primary relationship.
He writes, “Most women find a singular lapse in fidelity without emotional involvement easier to forgive than the nightmare of another woman capturing her partner’s tenderness, time, and affection.”[6]
7. Did you spend money on this person?
“Define ‘spend money,'” Jake said, which told Erin everything she needed to know.
“Hotel rooms? Gifts? Dinners? Our money, Jake! How much of our money did you spend on her?”
The financial aspect of infidelity is often overlooked but can be substantial. Affairs cost money — sometimes a lot of it. Hotels, gifts, special dinners, trips, extra data plans for secret communications — it all adds up.
Financial infidelity often accompanies sexual infidelity. When that spending is on an affair partner, it’s a double betrayal — both emotional and financial.
Erin discovered that Jake had spent over $2,000 on his affair over four months. Money from their joint account. Money they were supposedly saving for a down payment on a house.
This revelation made Erin wonder if Jake had considered her at all during his affair. Had she become an afterthought in her own marriage?
Did you know? A study by CreditCards.com found that nearly 44% of U.S. adults (currently married, in a civil partnership, or living with their partner) admit to committing some form of financial infidelity against their current spouse/partner.[7]
8. Did you think about me at all?
“Did I ever cross your mind? While you were with her, did you think about what this would do to me if I found out?”
Jake looked genuinely confused by the question. “I tried not to think about you when I was with her. I kind of . . . separated the two parts of my life.”
Compartmentalization — the psychological process of separating conflicting aspects of one’s life — is common among cheaters. It allows them to be loving partners at home while pursuing affairs elsewhere, without the constant burden of guilt.
Some unfaithful partners become highly skilled at this mental division, effectively creating separate selves for separate relationships. This explains how someone can cheat and then come home and act completely normal — they’ve temporarily shut away their affair life in a mental box.
For Erin, Jake’s admission that he deliberately pushed thoughts of her away was perhaps more painful than if he’d said he never thought of her at all. It meant he knew what he was doing would hurt her but chose to ignore that knowledge.
But there was another, more practical concern that Erin couldn’t ignore — one that involved not just emotional health but physical health as well.
9. Did you use protection?
Erin held her breath waiting for the answer. This wasn’t just about betrayal anymore. This was about her health.
“Yes . . . mostly,” Jake said.
“Mostly?” Erin’s voice rose. “What does ‘mostly’ mean?!”
“Not every time.”
Infidelity doesn’t just threaten emotional well-being — it can put your physical health at risk. Unprotected sex with multiple partners increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections, some of which can have long-term health consequences.
This adds another layer of violation — your spouse’s choices have now potentially impacted your physical health without your knowledge or consent.
Erin scheduled an STI test the next day. The fact that she had to do this because of Jake’s choices filled her with a cold anger that clarified her thinking.
As she sat across from him that night, she asked the final, most important question.
Safety break: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, many STIs don’t show symptoms immediately, meaning an unfaithful partner could unknowingly transmit infections.[8]
10. Do you want to fix this or do you want to leave?
“I don’t know,” Jake said. At least he was finally being honest.
When Erin had imagined this conversation (in those wee hours of the night after receiving the text), she’d assumed the hard part would be deciding if she could forgive Jake. She never considered that he might not want forgiveness — that he might actually want out.
This final question is not about what they say — it’s about what they’re willing to do. Rebuilding after infidelity requires significant effort from both partners, particularly the one who cheated.
For Erin, Jake’s uncertainty was actually a gift — it helped her see that she deserved someone who would choose her without hesitation. Someone who wouldn’t need to think about whether she was worth fighting for.
Expert insight: Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman explains that relationships can recover from affairs, but only with transparency, atonement, and attunement — a genuine commitment to rebuilding trust through consistent actions over time.[9]
How to Talk About Your Partner’s Infidelity
Erin’s story could be your story, different in its details but similar in its pain. Knowing what questions to ask is only part of the equation — how you ask them matters too.
When confronting an unfaithful spouse, find a private place where you won’t be interrupted. Set ground rules for the conversation: no walking out, no shouting, no physical aggression. Consider having a friend or family member on standby for support afterward.
Stay as calm as possible — not for their benefit, but for yours. You’ll get more information if you can maintain some composure. Write down your questions beforehand if you think emotions might overwhelm you. And remember, you don’t need to get all the answers in one sitting. This process takes time.
Navigating the talk with your partner
- Choose the right time and place: private, without distractions, when you both have energy.
- Begin with “I know” statements rather than accusations: “I know about the affair” rather than “Are you cheating?”
- Focus on getting information, not venting anger (that can come later with friends or a therapist).
- Take breaks if emotions get too intense.
- Consider recording the conversation (if legal in your state) or taking notes right after — trauma can affect memory.
Dos and don’ts
Do:
- Listen fully before responding.
- Acknowledge your emotions but try not to let them control the conversation.
- Ask for specifics rather than generalizations.
- Set boundaries about what happens next.
Don’t:
- Make threats you don’t intend to follow through on.
- Try to win them back during this conversation.
- Make major decisions immediately.
- Blame yourself for their choices.
Your Next Steps: The Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
After Erin got her answers from Jake, she faced an even harder conversation — the one with herself. Here are the questions she had to answer, and the ones you’ll need to consider too:
- Can I move forward without letting this define me? Regardless of whether you stay or go, you are not defined by your partner’s infidelity.
- What would rebuilding trust actually look like? Get specific about what you would need to feel secure again.
- What were the vulnerabilities in our relationship? This doesn’t excuse cheating but helps identify issues that need addressing if you stay together.
- What do I truly want for my future? Sometimes infidelity clarifies what you really want from your life and relationships.
- What are my nonnegotiables going forward? Define your boundaries clearly, whether with this partner or future ones.
For Erin, the answers didn’t come immediately. She took time apart from Jake, staying with her sister while she processed her emotions. She worked with a therapist who specialized in betrayal trauma. And ultimately, she decided that Jake’s uncertainty about wanting to fix things was answer enough.
Six months later, divorce papers signed and a new apartment leased, Erin didn’t regret asking the hard questions. They hadn’t saved her marriage, but they had saved her from years of uncertainty and pain. They had given her the clarity to make the right choice for her future.
Whether your story ends like Erin’s or takes a different path toward reconciliation, these essential questions offer a starting point for the truth you deserve. Whatever you decide should be based on reality, not lies. On clarity, not confusion. On the truth — however painful it might be.
If you’re in a tough relationship spot and looking for information, our guides to being in a relationship can help.
Here are some other resources that might be useful right now:
- Mend The Marriage Review
- 18 Guaranteed Signs of Cheating: How to Confirm Your Suspicions
- How to Save Your Marriage: A Journey Back to Being in Love
- Think You’re Falling Out of Love? Learn to Recognize the Signs
- Heal Your Broken Heart With Science: A Guide for Women
- Taking a Break in a Relationship: When Love Needs a Time-Out
- The 7 Stages of a Breakup: Your Complete Recovery Roadmap
FAQs
What to do if your spouse cheats on you?
If your spouse cheats on you, take a step back and breathe. Decide if you want to work through it or walk away. Talk to them, set boundaries, and consider getting help from a couples therapist. Take it one day at a time.
What is micro cheating?
Micro cheating is small, sneaky behaviors that blur the line of loyalty. It can be flirty texts, secret DMs, or hiding a “friendship” from your partner. It might not be full-on cheating, but it’s shady and can damage trust.
How do you find evidence for cheating?
To find evidence for cheating, look for secretive behavior, sudden phone guarding, and weird schedule changes. Check bank statements, social media, or messages if needed, but most importantly, talk to your partner. Looking for proof can worsen your trust issues.
References
1. Glass, S. (2007). Not “just friends”: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. Simon and Schuster.
2. Haltzman, S. (2025). Secrets to surviving infidelity. JHU Press.
3. Fincham, F. D., Hall, J., & Beach, S. R. (2006). Forgiveness in marriage: Current status and future directions. Family Relations, 55(4), 415–427.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2005.callf.x-i1
4. Selterman, D., & Koleva, S. (2015). Moral judgment of close relationship behaviors. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(7), 922–945.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514554513
5. Knopp, K., Scott, S. B., Ritchie, L. L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2301–2311.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1
6. Buss, D. M. (2000). The dangerous passion: Why jealousy is as necessary as love and sex. Simon and Schuster.
7. Segal, B., Porche, B., McCarthy, C. (2022, January 24). 32% of coupled U.S. adults have cheated on their partners financially.
https://www.creditcards.com/statistics/financial-infidelity-cheating-poll/
8. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). Sexually transmitted infections prevalence, incidence, and cost estimates in the United States.
https://www.cdc.gov/sti/php/communication-resources/prevalence-incidence-and-cost-estimates.html
9. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
